Old Age Day by Day November 28, 2011

A dear friend is coming today for a few days visit, and we are celebrating her birthday by having a little overnight trip away.  I'm excited and pleased with myself for organizing things.  It's also delightful to have the break between Thanksgiving and the holiday rush.  We've been close through a lot of years and events.  Around forty years of heartaches and joys, misunderstandings and loving support.  She feels like family to me.

So I'll roll out the prosecco, cook up a storm, we'll see some art, do some wine tasting and have mud baths!  We're only going about an hour and a half away, but it will be an adventure, and I expect to be laughing quite a lot in the coming days.

Old Age Day by Day November 27, 2011

I finished "1Q84".  Now if only my wrists recover from holding up the book.  It is an extraordinary book, and I'm just going allow the images and ideas to simmer before I guess what the meaning is of much of the book.  But if I had to hazard a guess right now, it is about the acting of reading and engaging in a work of literature.  If so, it's the best description of the effect of literature I've ever seen.  But I'll be glad to be reading small, light less strenous books for my next several.  I feel like a marathon runner who has just crossed the line (and, of course, Murakami is a marathon runner).

Today is another crisp autumn day with trees in glorious color.  We have a maple in front that has turned fiery red, and a big beech that is golden yellow.  Up and down the street and in the neighborhood are gorgeous trees.  Nature's show - always the best. 

My friend and I saw "The Descendants" yesterday afternoon, and despite all the hype, it really is a terrific film, and well worth going to see.  The acting is excellent and the story and characters true to life and touching.  It's also funny.  And it does not flinch from the painful aspects of the story, or simplify things too much.  I didn't like Sideways much, but this is a much more mature work from director Payne.  It's a movie with a lot of resonance.

Old Age Day by Day November 26, 2011

Half our pansy plants are missing.  The dogs evidently either find them tasty or don't like the landscaping design.  They have flattened most of the back yard to the consistency of concrete, and now they have decided they don't care for the color green or leafiness.  If they could  gnaw down the trees they'd do it I'm sure.  They'd do well in Palm Desert or Death Valley.  I have pretty much conceded the back to them.  Next the house will resemble a kennel, and then the front yard will go.  It's like having my own private bulldozers.

I made a list yesterday.  It wasn't much, but it's a beginning to preparing for the holidays.  It can be checked off, and consulted and worried over.  I'm waiting for my cards from UNICEF, then I will address them, buy stamps and slowly write in them.  My daughter helped me with Snapfish, so I have pictures of the dogs looking ridiculous coming soon.  I'm thinking of garlands and narcissus bulbs, which can be bought ahead.  My mind is getting in the old groove, and slowly but surely, I'll be prepared.  It's reassuring.  Even though, so far, I only have a list.

Old Age Day by Day November 25, 2011

We had a mellow Thanksgiving, and the weather cooperated as well.  I ate bits and pieces of all my forbidden foods, and enjoyed every bite.  It's fun to have various people bring dishes and not be eating all my own concoctions all the time.  But I'm tired, because the holiday itself has such huge import that I feel like a hurdle has been jumped.  It's the downhill skiing from Thanksgiving to New Year's that is brisk, scary and joyful at the end, when all are gathered and the work is done.  A lot of generosity and good will is generated on the way, and I like to focus on that aspect.

Today I have set myself only one task, getting to the store to buy a few things, and I leave the frenzy of black Friday to other hardier souls than me.  I don't even have a shopping list yet, so it would be pointless.  There are holiday traditions I refuse to participate in, and the shopping mania is one.  But I respect those who must do it when they are off work, or so scrunched for time that strategic battle plans must be orchestrated.  I wish them well, those Pattons and Eisenhowers of the front line of "Merry Christmas, ho, ho, ho".

Old Age Day by Day November 23, 2011

Today is prep day for tomorrow.  I'm making everything I'm bringing today, so I do not disrupt my daughter-in-law's kitchen during turkey chaos.  It's so lovely to be going somewhere else where we will be guests.  I've cooked a lot of Thanksgivings in my day, but I'm happy to concede to the newer generation.  All my kids are better cooks than I am, and not having the leftovers is good for my diet.  I'd hate to have to look at a pumpkin pie in the refrigerator and stare it down.  Actually, the thing I love most is turkey sandwiches and cranberry sauce.  Sigh.

And as you know, it was the Wampanoags who brought the meat to the Pilgrims, who were incompetent and starving, so I do have a long tradition.  Maybe the Pilgrims were giving thanks, but that didn't stop them from waging war and wiping out the people who helped them years before.  It is awfully hard to owe somebody something.  Easier to eliminate them rather than continue the gratitude route.

Well, I'm grateful for larger issues:  health, the health of my family, the fortune of birth and abundance in this country, even the contrariness of the American people, which mirrors the conflicts of the Native peoples before.  We're feisty, determined to our interests but with a streak a mile wide that relishes our differences, diversities, and the mirroring vast diversity of our land.  I celebrate not the several hundred year recent history, but the history of the Americas, rich and crazy and full of dance and music and singing and celebrating anything and everything.  And our ability, when it seems all hope is lost, to come together and appreciate each other in peaceful rituals that remind us we are bound together by land and cultures and common interests.

Old Age Day by Day November 22, 2011

This is the anniversary of JFK's assassination.  I had just turned eighteen, and was in my freshman college dorm when I heard a radio in the bathroom, and walked in to hear Cronkite.  I walked down a few blocks until I found a church and sat down in a pew.  It was unbelievable news, and though I was not crazy about JFK after the Bay of Pigs a few months before, when we high schoolers were drilled in huddling under our desks in case of nuclear attack, I knew it was a horrible event, and I thought of his children and young wife.  My then boyfriend was not upset.  He didn't like Kennedy.  So I stayed away from him.  I had no religion anymore, but being in a church was comforting, as I'd spent so much time inside one until I was a senior in high school, when one day it just all peeled off me like an old skin.  I searched every church and religion, and found that Buddhism appealed to me the most, but it would be many decades before I turned towards that practice and made a commitment. 

It was many years before I saw video of the event, or knew specific details.  I think my first viewing was in Oliver Stone's JFK.  So I did not have graphic images.  My images were of Jackie with the blood on her pink suit, JFK Jr saluting, the horse drawn carriage carrying the body.  I felt a great deal more when RFK died, and I was in Fiji, where my Marist Brothers fellow teachers were satirical about the ultra violent U.S.  And MLK died while I was half way around the world as well.  I was removed from images and detail until years later. 

But such events are indelible to those who live through them, and the anniversaries occasions for the sadness of all loss, especially the loss of idealism.

Old Age Day by Day November 21, 2011

I'm getting caught up in errands and holiday planning.  I also watched a few movies during the rainy bits of the weekend.  It's sunny now, and I'm getting excited just thinking about Christmas.  The radio station is playing Christmas songs 24/7 and I'm a happy camper.  I have so many sewing projects half done, but I'm very positive about accomplishing them, even though a few are left over from last Christmas.  I tried not to go crazy at the fabric store yesterday, but I'm not sure I succeeded. 

I still think it's a miracle when pieces of material get attached and become a tablecloth or runner or curtains.  I love making quilts.  I have fun picking fabrics that look good together, and adjusting what I have to make something that works.  Of course, this process includes the times I feel like taking a hammer to the sewing machine, and how frustrating it is when I've missed a seam or have to add thread to the bobbin when I'm on a roll.  Perhaps the recipients don't appreciate the results, but I'm proud as a peacock.

So let's see if I can make these darn placemats and napkins I've cut out, and devise a tablecloth quilt.  I'm ready to take it on!

Old Age Day by Day November 19, 2011

I watched two Robert Mitchum films last night, a sort of double feature.  The first was "Night of the Hunter", the only film directed by Charles Laughton.  It was a great film, with gorgeous images and a dreamlike feeling.  It was like being on the inside of a fairy tale.  The second was "Cape Fear", with Gregory Peck.  In both he is terrifying, but in completely different ways.  He had distinctive looks and delivery, and I can see why he was busy in Hollywood.  The first film is magic realism and the second is gritty realism. 

I'm trying to make this a weekend when I figure out my to-do list for the holidays.  Daunting but necessary.  My younger son and I are also going to come up with a date for the holiday supper I have each year.  Challenging tasks. 

But not as challenging and my new washing machine this morning, which seemed to balk and give up on our bedspread.  Dear reader, I admit I cried.  I also dragged the soggy spread out and it is draped over the tarped picnic table.  At times like this I wish I had a clothesline.  The machine worked fine the next two loads, so I guess something was on the wrong setting, and perhaps I need a low spin, but I lost my mind for a short while.  Now I'm calm again.  Maybe.

Old Age Day by Day November 18, 2011

Today the rain came and after I returned from walking the dogs, they rushed upstairs, wet fur, leaves and all, to lie on our bed.  Maybe I'll test out my new washer on the bedspread.  Maybe I'll try putting the dogs in the washer.  If I could lift them, that is.

I felt great last night singing.  I've nailed most of the music, and just need to learn a few lyrics by heart.  There are two new people who sing my part and I really, really like both of them.  One is young, the other my age, and they are funny and super friendly.  I am liking the songs more as well, though nothing quite grabs me as ones in the past.  I feel a part of the chorus now.  Not extra, not new, but belonging. 

My husband is going to the cabin this weekend, so I'm on my own, and I'm not sure what I'll do, or eat, or whom I'll see, but I usually enjoy the breaks from each other.  I'm not much of couple person, maybe because I've been part of one my whole adult life.  I like to try on singleness occasionally.

Old Age Day by Day November 17, 2011

Yesterday I saw the dermatologist and she examined the topography of my aging body.  Not a pretty sight, but it could be worse.  I grow things on my skin so well I could be a landscape designer, but unfortunately it does not transfer to actually gardening in soil.  I have blue things and cherry red things and hillocks and flatlands.  If I didn't have a sense of humor I'd be sunk.  I like to remember the alternative to aging and then immediately gratitude arises.

Today I see my once a month therapist, and she has come to seem like an old friend and reliable witness.  Running feelings and events by her has really helped anchor me.  She's respectful of my practice and my vows, and has good intuition.  But she's not a friend, and doesn't try, ironically, to fix things for me.  My friends tend to give advice, when all I want mostly is an ear, and the therapist is a very good ear.  She pipes up, but she knows fixing is contrary to my practice.  I feel her respect for who I am particularly at every turn.  So it's a good day, even if a friend canceled our outing and I need badly to practice my music before tonight's rehearsal.

Old Age Day by Day November 16, 2011

After my friend called to tell me about it, I listened to Joan Didion interviewed on the radio yesterday morning.  I had just finished her new book, Blue Nights, a week ago.  Just Didion's voice alone is so powerfully evocative.  And the subject is everyone's nightmare - the death of a child - in this case her grown daughter and only child.  As with her writing, the discussion was intricately complex.  There was medical confusion, insufficient information, the echoes of abandonment feelings because her daughter was adopted, the issue of mental illness, Didion's husband's sudden death during the process and much more.  Didion honors the complexity, and also her feelings of being inadequate, of not recognizing signs sooner, of not understanding children of adoption.

You don't necessarily entirely like Didion in this account, but in the same way you don't like yourself when you look back.  There is generosity, there are selfish interests, there is love, there is embarrassment.  We get to see Didion whole, and in that process, accept perhaps a little more of ourselves.  Everybody's guilty, everybody's innocent.  And grief has no closure.

Old Age Day by Day November 15, 2011

We went to a foundation event last night and saw some friends we hadn't seen in years.  I love when that happens.  We caught up and discovered some synchronicity in our lives.  She's seeing a biofeedback therapist I used to go to, and we discussed meditation and our kids being all grown up and movies and books.  And my husband had a nice talk with the man.  The food and everything else didn't matter, what was delightful to me was the contact with people I enjoy.  I feel I hop stone to stone from one encounter with a friend to another, and the space between is just water.  The stones are solid ground, and keep me upright.

Old Age Day by Day November 14, 2011

I had a busy weekend, with a study group, lunch with one son one day and the other the next, a concert, and a drive to the airport to drop off the son who will be in London for 3 months.  Lots of transitions and last week was the anniversary of my mother's death and funeral service.  I will catch up emotionally probably on Thursday, when I see my therapist for the monthly tuneup.

I've had a lot of conversations about the Occupy movement and the economic crises and what could be fixed and not fixed.  We clearly need to install regulations that Clinton rolled back, and my son was talking about the Tobin tax, which would tax transactions when brokers buy and sell, so that so many rapid fire transactions would be dis-incentivized.  Sounds good, but who is the person to stand up and be counted?  What the market is now able to do is gamble with the money of investors who have not signed up for risk.  The money is in the same pile, and it's a slight of hand game.  If the Feds would separate those two actions, then the addicts could gamble all they wanted, just not with our money.  They would fail, have logical consequences, like us ordinary folk, and hopeful get discouraged and get help for their addiction.  It's like we're all yoked to druggies.

Let's hope someone stands up for what is ethical and morally right.  I believe that is what a portion of the Occupy movement people are saying.  Let's have some common sense, and be protected by our government from sharks.  It's done on the beaches.  Let's do it on land.

Old Age Day by Day November 11, 2011

The rain is here.  We are postponing the dog walking, but I do have reasons I will go out this morning, and maybe it's a good thing.  But I cannot  foresee singing in the rain.  It's a little too cold and gloomy for that.  The going out has to do with picking up prescriptions, a doctor's appointment and lunch with a dear friend.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Well, not really.  It's not a Clint Eastwood life I lead.  I don't even think Clint Eastwood leads a Clint Eastwood life.  By the way, the reviews here for his new movie are pretty bad.  My friend and I had planned to see it, but now I wonder.  If I see it, it will be because I like thinking about his 0uevre. 

I certainly prefer thinking of films over the dramady of the news.  Awful, awful, awful.  I end up with terrible images stuck in my brain and anger that has no place to go.  Sexism, sexual abuse, violence, despair, poverty.  The only good news yesterday was a piece on the Wampanoeg tribe recovering and teaching it's language, not spoken for150 years.  It began with a group of Indians sitting around brainstorming, and then a woman emerging who decided to attend MIT Linguistics school for an MA, and returning to teach her tribe.  She won a MacArthur Fellowship last year.  They were able to reconstruct the language by written documents from long ago.  She seemed like such an amazing ordinary hero, and the pride the tribe is taking in tackling this monumental task is lovely to behold. 

I'm going to hold that image in my mind today.

Old Age Day by Day November 10, 2011

I just got off the phone with a young woman I've known since she was a kid.  She's running a charity auction and writing up the auction items, and I went over the wording and tweaked a few sentences.  It was fun, and served to remind me I have these skills that are mostly retired, but can be called up when necessary.  It reminds me of my former life, and strengths I had, and still have, but don't use often.  Since for me words have ever been magic, I love paying attention to them with another person.  One of my dear friends is fascinated by words as well, and we had a phone conversation the other night which was full of word play and fun.

No wonder Murakami is so delightful to read!  His love of language is so transparent and joyous.  Of course, at the rate I'm reading 1Q84, it will be the next century before I finish, but that means I have a good read every night for eternity.

Old Age Day by Day November 9, 2011

I am exchanging writing with a friend via email.  It's very different for me, but also quite interesting.  She sent hers in the form of a recording of her reading it, and the reading was so delightful that it was hard to tell how it would look on the page, but I suspect it would be charming as well.  I don't know if I could figure out how to do such a thing myself, but I may ask her how she did it.  Then I could read some silly poems to my granddaughter, and that sort of thing.  It's a great bit of technology, that's for sure.

This afternoon I have my foster granddaughter, and we will be working on a couple of craft projects.  Probably there will be drawing as well, as she is very keen these days on creating pictures.  I like to play it by ear and let her lead about our activities.  It's still pretty cold out and she gets so much exercise at school that we tend to do the inside cosy things.  I may actually get to read to her, if I play my cards right.  And yes, Old Maid and Hearts are games we've been tackling recently.  In the spring, we'll start making some baby things, as her mom is expecting in May.  At six, my granddaughter can really work on a quilt and contribute.  Something to look forward to.  I'm lucky.

Old Age Day by Day November 8, 2011

We bought a new washing machine, and it's more of a thrill that I would have imagined.  This tells you exactly how tame my life is.  Tomorrow it is delivered, and I announced to my husband that I'm washing everything in the house - slipcovers, curtains, dog beds, bedspreads, you name it.  There are many buttons on this new machine, and I plan to use them all.

I also made plans for when a friend comes to visit after Thanksgiving, which I'm excited about.  I love when she visits.  And I'm thinking of Thanksgiving, because I put the tablecloths on the tables and am thinking of various cranberry relishes.  These holidays are so loaded, and yet, and yet, they have their charm as well.  It helps to like turkey, pumpkins, and canberries.  Is there anything better than a turkey sandwich the next day?  I doubt it seriously.

I'm only responsible for the cranberry and jello salad at this point, but I plan to seek out a few other delicacies to bring to my daughter-in-law's.  And before I know it, it will be that week and that day. 

Old Age Day by Day November 7, 2011

It's brilliant, beautiful fall weather, and I've only been out in it so far to get a blood test and go to Trader Joe's, but when I sit at my desk I see the upper back yard and trees.  I'm a bit frazzled, because I'm trying to get a retreat venue date settled for my teacher, and the email thing is actually slowing things down.  Or there is more than one person taking reservations.  Hopefully, it will get sorted out today.  Whatever will be will be as the old song goes.

I'm tackling Murakami's opus now.  I feel strong enough.  I have the will to succeed.  And yesterday I read a review that it is best read in as close to one sitting as possible.  Since it's over 900 pages, that seems absurd, but I will at least attempt not to pick up any other books while I'm reading 1Q84.  It might also involve giving up all the other little projects I work on daily, like Spanish, music and the perpetual organizing.  Today I took all the dogs' toys downstairs.  That won't last long. 

I'm looking forward to seeing a friend today who lives north but is down here for several days.  We're having tea here and I'm going to make scones.  I even have Devonshire cream, as my local market carries luxuries like that.  It will be delightful, I'm sure.

Old Age Day by Day November 6, 2011

I have emerged unscathed from a relative's abundant feast.  I had only one helping, and ignored the bread (my favorite part), and refused cake.  And it felt fine.  The conversation and warmth far outweighed (get it?) the temptation to overeat.  It was raining and cold, and it felt great to be inside a warm room laughing and catching up.  Now I can go back to my salad grazing and continue my discovery of a lesser me.

Less is more, and all that.  Less talking means more listening, less thinking means more intuition, less judgment means more generosity of spirit, less expectation means more awareness of the here and now.

Old Age Day by Day November 5, 2011

It's very cold today.  A perfect day for going to my relatives for lobster curry.  Which we are doing.  A perfect day to read a good mystery, which I have in hand.  A perfect day to STAY INSIDE.  I guess I'll have to do my exercise video if I want to move at all.  Or bundle up and hit the streets.  First I have to find my gloves and hat and scarf and look into the dark end of the closet and see what winter coats are hidden there.  I tried just wearing my fleece jacket over a tee shirt and sweater yesterday, but that was clearly not enough protection from the elements.  Serious adjustments are in order.  I am going into ALERT WINTER MODE.

Now I know to most of the country this is laughable.  I'm sorry, but this extreme weather change.  So even if the temperature is what you in your part of the country consider mild spring or fall, it is dramatic to us.  We need our drama.  So I'm going to bundle up like a package of blankets being mailed to Alaska.  And then waddle my away out in the tundra.

Old Age Day by Day November 4, 2011

I'm plunking along with my Spanish lessons via Rosetta Stone.  At some point I'm going to have to attempt speaking to a live person in Spanish, and that still seems scary, but I am picking up a lot of vocabulary.  I am far enough that the program is teaching me all the little accent marks, which I usually forget to type in.  And some words seem all wrong, like cinturon for belt.  And marron for brown.  I always think maroon.  And the possessive pronouns with gender attached.  Me or my!  But the sense of being outside of myself and my normal world is delightful, and I find it hilarious to pronounce Japon or Russia.  And Americans seem to be represented mainly by cowboys and cowgirls.  Oh, and baseball players.  At least they are benign stereotypes.  What other countries think of us really would often be unfit to print. 

I live where there is a constant immersion in Spanish, at least the Mexican version.  And so many of my fellow Californians speak Spanish.  And our history involves Spain as well.  There is a familiarity with every word I learn.  Like coming home.  This may also be because I was born on the border between Texas and Mexico.  And that border is mostly artificial.  We are all Norte Americanos.  I find that fact pleasing.

Old Age Day by Day November 3, 2011

We saw Lang Lang with several friends last night, and he was pretty amazing.  He played Bach, Schubert and Chopin, and I found myself most drawn to the Schubert.  He's almost like a dancer, and his whole body is engaged.  It's similar to what our chorus director instructs us to do when we sing.  It's a dance with the words and music.  Leaving out the body puts distance between us and the music, but swaying and moving pulls us into the world of that piece.

It has taken me a long time to acknowledge my own body, give it due respect, and include it in my life.  Zen has given me that awareness, and I do believe I am so much happier for it.  Instead of warring with my body, I am now listening to it, treating it more kindly, and respecting it's gentle and sometimes not so gentle aging.  My body is my trusty friend.  It holds me in it's embrace and if it should let go, and it will sometime, I am no more.  So in the meantime, kindness in all things, and a new understanding of what the body can teach me.

Old Age Day by Day November 2, 2011

We're in the midst of a wind storm.  It brought down a huge tree two houses up, but luckily, not on the houses.  We woke up to sawing and machines.  There are huge trees on our property and on both sides, so the wind is nervous-making.  But it's better than the horrendous snowstorm on the East Coast.

Tonight we go to see Lang Lang in concert.  It should be delightful.  We are still basking in the glow of Handel's Xerxes opera on Sunday.  It was sublime.  The voices, the acting, Susan Graham, the contratenor, the sets, the costumes.  I had my voice lesson yesterday and felt improved just from a little musicality rubbing off from opera.  Unfortunately, it may not last.  But for now, I'm singing part of The Magic Flute as I walk the dogs.  We all have our fantasies.

So, on to laundry and cleaning up debris in the yard - but I can whistle while I work!

Old Age Day by Day November 1, 2011

We had exactly two children trick or treat at our door last night.  Oh, well.  We watched War of the Worlds, and then Antique Road Show.  I don't know which was scarier.  Some very valuable items are in amazingly hideous taste.  Like the cabbage teapot with the snake.  Or the cans of food from the 1800's.  On the basis of last night's show, I should search through my most hideous pieces and put them on display.  I don't think so.

I have a voice lesson today, and then my granddaughter, whom I'd like to take to Puss N' Boots, if the showtime is right.  She's a Shrek fan.  She may be too exhausted from candy and sanctioned begging at doors.  We'll see.

It figures that the scariest thing about the remake of War of the Worlds is Tim Robbins, not the hammerhead aliens.  We like to focus on the other, but it's our own species is what does us in.  And Tom Cruise is frightening as a Dad in charge of his own kids with Mommy away.  Yet he comes through, though terrified, and I think it's what we hope we'd do as well.  We have no confidence, but we hope we won't give up, no matter what, not when our kids are involved.  I like the message that heroes are not people who aren't scared, they are people who act while they're scared out of their wits.  All through the movie I was thinking of earthquakes (with the ground heaving up it was impossible not to, at least to a West Coast person) and what I would be capable of doing.  Could I stay calm?  Probably not, but I might be able to do a good imitation.  I hope I never have to be put to the test.