Old Age Day by Day September 28, 2012

My younger daughter snuck into the house early this morning before work to borrow some pjs.  It's pajama day at her school, and I assume she figured her mom would have the most ridiculous pajamas.  What does this say about my style and taste?!  I dare not think.  She took the green apple pjs, but I have not idea how she's going to keep the pants up, as I am the apple shape not she.  Anyway, she figures the kids will be so wired with the costuming that no work will get done anyway, so if the pants fall down it will be in keeping with the circus atmosphere.

It's pretty deary here and foggy, and I've already conned my husband into seeing a matinee film later, as I'm going stir crazy with lack of plans this week.  I like to get out every day, and he's content walking the dogs and being done with the world.  Yes, we are an extrovert and an introvert.  It's a classic battle.  Luckily, almost all my friends are extroverts as well as the kids, so I have people to do things with.  And he is willing to hold the fort down at home.  Too willing, in my book.

Old Age Day by Day September 27m 2012

Well, I did not do my driving test, because they wanted the form from my eye doctor which was the sole reason I came in 21 days ago when I presented it to them.  They neglected to tell me I needed to bring it in yet again, when I did the test.  They made me reschedule Oct. 18, and I have to bring in the form that I already brought in last time.  I will be grinding my teeth a great deal today, I can just feel it.  So I still have the temporary license, but all that anxiety from last night and this morning wasted!  Only to be whipped up again in two weeks.  Ye gods!

I was going to celebrate if I passed the test.  I think I'll just celebrate not losing my mind completely.  I was very mature with the DMV guy, very gracious.  No yelling, just jokey and friendly.  But inside, a tyrannasaurus rex was raging.  "This is idiotic," I wanted to say.  "I could be back with the form in 15 minutes, can't you squeeze me in?"  But maybe by then my frame of mind would have made me run over a pedestrian or worse.  This is how they rid the state of licensed drivers.  Getting the numbers down of legit drivers, so the manics without licenses, who have been driven crazy by the rules, just take us out like bowling pins. 

Oh, well, I still stick by the truth that the DMV employees are really, really nice and friendly.  But I really, really don't want to see any of them ever again.

Old Age Day by Day September25, 2012

Tomorrow I have my DMV driving test, because of my eyes.  I'm nervous and though I know I drive fine, it's like when you see a police car and feel like you're about to get arrested, though you aren't actually guilty of anything.  I imagine a car around me doing something sudden and crazy and me doing the wrong thing, or not looking long and carefully enough, or not being able to merge into the lane on the freeway.  There are so many ways it could go wrong.  I need a tranquillizer!  On the other hand, they absolutely should test me, and I am not the best judge of my driving.  Oh, heck, I'm just going to have to make the through the test and survive either way!  I have to remember not to hit another car or pedestrian or bicyclist - and where I live that's a daily challenge.

My friend called last night and said her son and his wife are expecting their second child.  That was really great news, and I'm so happy for her and them.  They are fabulous parents and it will be adorable to be a witness again to their wise and gentle treatment of their children.  And it is so fun to be a kind of distant Auntie to the kids.  Happy news being shared is one of the great perks of friendships.

Old Age Day by Day September 25m 2012

My husband returned from the cabin with quite a cold and cough.  He had to miss his chorus rehearsal and be satisfied with watching Antique Road Show.  He is a paradox in that way.  He loves the show, but won't actually ever stop at a garage sale or look at antiques or consignment shops.  He did go to two shops when we were searching for a sofa, but I could see the cost.  He is not a shopper, and his anxiety kicks in big time.  He hovers over my shoulder like a vulture.  The fear that I will buy something is palpable.  This, as you can imagine, is not relaxing for me, and I prefer to shop with friends or even enemies, rather than my spouse.  But it means a double hurdle if I see something that enchants me:  it has to pass my test of price etc then what would my husband think?  I try to consider him, but mostly I cross the first hurdle to the finish line and take home the prize.  Luckily, he likes what I buy, and even luckier, I am frugal, but the other day I came home with a small oil painting, very cheap, a still life in a dusty old golden frame, and it now is hung above the little coal fireplace in our bedroom.  It was $100, and a bargain, and looks charming.  But we could have had some fun picking it out together, but that would be in an alternate universe, I guess.  So he calls me in to see treasures on the Road Show, but I am the one to have the actual joy in finding something in real life.  Strange!

OLd Age Day by Day September 24, 2012

I arose early this morning, and somehow went out to check email before eight am, unlike what I usually do, and there found the email from my friend that her brother had died, died while listening to her voice on the phone.  He's been a long time passing, and he was ready to go, and he had the sweetest support from family and friends for over three years.  My friend and I had listened to an especially beautiful dharma talk by our teacher yesterday morning, and wept a bit, and felt so soothed, quieted in spirit and comforted by the truth of life.  It was a perfect day for her to let go of her brother.  It was also my root teacher's birthday, and I also had a lovely afternoon with my younger daughter, and then watched the perfect film for such a day:  "The Burmese Harp" by Kon Ichikawa.  It is about a Japanese solder in Burma who, overcome with the suffering of the war, leaves his group and impersonates a Buddhist monk, until, ultimately, he IS a monk, and finds his true path.  Then as I was taking out that DVD, I saw that the Ken Burns documentary about the Civil War dead was on, and I had heard the Pres of Harvard interviewed on radio about her book on the subject, so I watched the whole thing until eleven pm. 

It was a day for sitting with death, and appreciating this life we're given.  The synchronicity was amazing.  I'm sad for my friend and her brother, but also glad.  Because they faced his death with gentleness and compassion.

Old Age Day by Day September 23, 2012

I was literally out all day yesterday, first at Buddhist study group then at lunch and a movie with our younger son.  We saw Paul Thomas Anderson's "The Master", and we both thought it was terrific.  The idea was ambitious and the acting phenomenal.  It explores what makes a cult and who is attracted to it and why, and some of the techniques used.  There is such contempt, underneath, from the manipulator, and such hunger in the person willing to give up his will to be humiliated and controlled.  It gave us a lot to think about.

I then went home and talked to a few friends on the phone - old fashioned, I grant you, but I am no texter.  Finally, I watched a favorite film of mine:  "The Mission".  So I had another double feature yesterday.  I think I need different activities today.  I am going to meditation and dharma talk, and afterwards a walk is in order.  It's another crisp fall day, and no dogs to yank me around, so I could walk in an orderly manner, without sudden stops for "pee mail" and finding disgusting food possibilities on the ground.  Might as well go for it, before my husband and the dogs return tomorrow.

Old Age Day by Day September 21, 2012

It's official, it's Fall.  The nip is in the air, and socks and sweaters seem like a good idea in the mornings and evenings.  My husband is up at the cabin for the last hurrah of sitting on the deck in the sun.  Next time he or I go up it will be too cool.  The chairs will have to be brought inside and shutters closed and mousetraps set.  I used to like the cabin more in winter, but now I like to think of it in summer, and the fireside thing is not so attractive to me.  I'm a wimp.

While he is communing with nature, I'm talking to friends and going to groups.  Last night I was on the phone with my best friend when the doorbell rang.  It was after dark, and I was leery, and she said to stay on the phone while I went down and checked.  I can look through the glass at the door, and I saw no one, though our front porch is pretty dark despite two lights.  The steps walklights were not on, and I wondered who would come up in the dark.  I decided not to open the door, since the dogs were with my husband far away.  This morning I went out, and no UPS package or note or evidence that it was anyone I knew.  I did a smart thing, being cautious, and probably because I'd just read in the paper about a woman nearby attacked in the daytime, brutally.  Whoever it was, I'm glad they went away, and that I didn't impulsively open the door to check.  What a world, huh?  Can't even open my front door without being spooked.  I'm normally just fine when my husband is gone, but the doorbell got me.  I was reading a mystery, and managed to continue it after I hung up with my friend, and I slept fine.  But today, a little bit of pre-Halloween creepiness is set in my mind.

Old Age Day by Day September 20, 2012

I had such a lovely afternoon with my granddaughter.  We colored, we played a game, we sewed kitten hats for her friend's two cats (I'd like to be there when she tries to get them to wear them!)  We watched part of one film, she got bored with it and we switched to an old standby of hers:  Shek III, with the baby Shek triplets.  She likes the scenes of the babies projectile vomiting even more now that she has her own little Shek at home.  She's part Shek, finding the idea of babies annoying, and part Fiona, loving the little critters.  The psychology she brings to her choice of movies is impeccable.  In a couple of weeks we are going on our first trip together on a plane.  It should be fun.  We'll visit my granddaughter and daughter, and the two girls will have a lot of fun, I'm sure.  They always do.

In the meantime, I chuckle every time I think of the kitty hats.  I'm one baaaad grandma!

Old Age Day by Day September 19, 2012

I'm doing this slow weeding out of my books.  I realize I don't want to make any more room in my crowded house, which means making a little room on shelves I already have.  This process is interesting.  I pick up a book, try to decide:  if I have already read it, if I have will I reread it, or am I no longer interested in this subject or author.  I've found and read some books this way that I didn't no I possessed and looked completely unfamiliar to me.  I read two such this week, and happily, am saving them for my daughter-in-law, who I know will enjoy them as well.  A lot of the "weeds" go to a charity for dogs and cats.  Some have notes in them from my brother, who used to send me books.  I'm reading the notes, but not necessarily keeping the books, as I haven't seen him in twelve years and he really has no idea what I enjoy reading. 

For now, I know I want to keep collections:  Feminist lit, African American authors, Hispanic authors, Asian authors, Reading theory, Buddhist texts, Native American books.  I also have collections of Virginia Woolf, Gertrude Stein, Willa Cather, Edith Wharton, Margaret Drabble, AS Byatt and others.  I keep Joyce Carol Oates, Laurie Colwin, Fay Weldon, Margaret Atwood and others who were so influential to me at one time.  But my biggest collection is art books, and those are expanding a bit.  I know my husband loves looking at them, and all four of my kids have a strong interest in these books. 

But gradually, it may be that I give up other books that have meant a lot to me, and my favorite mysteries, and some self help books and health books.  I only need the aging books now.  And parenting books are ready to be passed on.  This whole process involves a letting go of dreams and other stages of life, and sharing what I treasure.  One day at a time, I am saying goodbye to my former selves and embracing what is so right now.

Old Age Day by Day September 18, 2012

My husband and I went to an art museum this morning to see a private collection on display that was really knockout!  Our favorite painting was the same:  a little oil painting of Manet's of two roses on a table.  Just exquisite.  But the man had some taste.  There were beautiful Vuillards and Derains, exceptional Picassos and Cezannes, and all manner of delights.  Imagine living with such beauty!  I didn't buy the catalogue, but found a book on Izit ceramics from Turkey that I had to purchase.  The rest of my day consists of grocery shopping and laundry, but the images will stay with me and give me much pleasure.

We wandered around the museum after lunch looking for a textile show, but none was up, so we meandered through the landscape section and admired George Inness, Martin Johnson Heade, and Church.  I love the luminists, and also the Hudson River school.  We are lucky such beautiful works of art live nearby us year round, and we can always get in the car and visit them for a hit of beauty.

Old Age Day by Day September 17, 2012

My husband washed my car this morning.  Now that is a pleasant surprise!  I like Monday mornings when we are full of resolve and checking tasks off our list.  Yes, they may be held over from last week, but Monday is a fresh, new week infused with optimism and promise.  I could:  pull out the ivy from the lilies of the Nile bushes, go to a store and buy fruit, pick up the new book written by my neighbor, call and get information for a friend about her grandson.  The opportunities are endless.  I have already wrestled with the airline websites to find a flight for October.  Sure, I needed to call my daughter once to get advice, but I ultimately didn't scream, but remained quite calm and ended up plunging into the abyss and getting the tickets.  Who knows what further strengths I may observe in myself throughout the day?!

Old Age Day By Day September 16, 2012

I had a good meditation this morning, and after seeing the video of a dharma talk, my friend and I went out to lunch and had a good, long chat and caught up.  We recommended books and movies to each other, and talked of a couple of films we hoped to see this fall.  Thomas Paul Anderson's "The Master" and the Lincoln one with Daniel Day Lewis.  Her brother is dying, and it's been a long, hard journey for him and for her.  She is taking extra good care of herself, and paring down how much she does as she goes through her grieving process.  I have missed her, so seeing her again was so nice.

There is a chill in the air these last few days that signals fall, and I'm trying to adjust, other than hunting for Fall tablecloths, and it's hard letting go of summer.  I've got to persuade myself to wear sweaters and jackets and socks.  I was cold this morning in the temple, and even at the cafe.  Here in California the humans have to adjust to the climate changes, because most places are not air conditioned, adequately heated, or insulated.  That's why we all layer our clothes all the time and have scarves and sweatshirts tied around our necks.  Remaining comfortable is our job, not the establishment's task. 

So maybe it is time to switch shoes and forget about khakis.  Back to jeans, I guess.

Old Age Day by Day September 15, 2012

Last night our younger daughter and her boyfriend took us to a baseball game for our birthdays, and, amazingly, they won!  Every other time this year they've lost when we've been at the ballpark.  There were fireworks afterwards, and it was Star Wars Night, so there were storm troopers, Yodas, Sand People, Darth Vader, Princess Leias, and Luke Skywalkers everywhere.  There was a tiny Princess Amabedia very near to us.  So cute.  We finally got to see the best slugger on the team and he hit a two run home run, and our team won 3-2, so we went home mighty satisfied.

There was a moment of silence for the dead in Lybia, before the game began, and again, that strange feeling of sadness and disjunction.  We were at a game, and in the world other people were not playing, on any level.  The ambassador came from our town and his parents live in the next town, and somewhere down south evil people instigated this terrible rage.  What are we, as a people, and what constitutes Free Speech?  I think of this issue almost every day, and deplore a kind of freedom that allows pornography, hate videos and more "rights" that hurt children, women and all people, really.  Google should not be the arbiter of what is censored, it's hypocritical.  But who should?  It's a really sticky question.  Every year I get more disturbed by what is available on the internet.  You could call me an old foggie, but this is a new situation we're in, and I hope somebody figures out if and when these sites bear responsibility, because their major concern is not content or freedom of speech, but profit.  Are we going to leave profiteers in charge?

Old Age Day by Day September 14, 2012

Every day this week and last weekend I spent an hour or two looking for a tablecloth that has fall leaves on it.  I knew where it used to be but not where I'd transferred it.  I took every item out of the upstairs hall closet and reorganized it three times.  I searched in pots, in with linens, and in kitchen drawers, which caused me to reorganize them.  My husband looked, though he can't find his shirt when it's on his body.  I did find twelve napkins that matched the now missing tablecloth.  Had I accidentally thrown it away?  I searched every nook and crevice.  Yesterday I had a brainstorm.  Could it be in the plastic bin in the basement marked "Thanksgiving"?  This morning I went down, carefully slid the bin out and down.  Even though the bins are see through plastic, I'd not seen a tablecloth.  But this time I opened the lid and there it was, along with another tablecloth, under a wreath that effectively hid it from sight.  Shostokovich began ringing in my ears.  I had FOUND this stupid tablecloth, after spending an absurd number of hours searching for it.  The triviality of the whole effort was not lost on me, but my, my, the satisfaction when I spread it out on the dining room table.  I was not losing my mind.  Or rather, I had, but the world was still orderly enough that NOTHING COULD VANISH INTO THIN AIR. 

Who knows how I will next waste my time, which clearly is not valuable.  At least, for the moment, I think how wise I was to buy the bins, lug them home and up the stairs, sort, throw away, save and label them so that I could one day remember that lost things were to be found in the basement, labeled Christmas, party stuff, Halloween, family papers, so and so's books, toys and papers.  I'm a genius, when I'm not an idiot!

Old Age Day by Day September 13, 2012

I hear my husband sneezing upstairs even though I am out in the studio.  There is a lot of stuff in the air, and we have two dogs as well, which makes allergies a given.  I have a perpetual runny nose, and hardly bother attempting to figure out what is blooming or floating in the air.  We have no rain here to damp down the dust.  By the time the first rain comes, we will be dry as bones and eating dust.  There is a fine layer of pollen and whatever else, including spider webs, on every leaf and bush and tree.  Everything needs dusting.  Yesterday the gardener came and the carpet of fallen leaves is gone for the moment, but huge trees overhang our house on every side.  It will be raining leaves again soon, and the slightest wind blankets everywhere we step.

Yesterday my granddaughter practiced some of her piano at my house, which was a huge dose of deja vu.  I could see my own four children at the piano, the tunes passed down from child to child.  You never regret your kids having piano.  It opens up a whole world of music to them.

I held the baby while the mother and I watched, and got her to laugh and laugh.  Three months old and with the laugh that tells you how delighted she is in the world, interaction with others, and what a great kid she is going to be.  That little hit of baby had me smiling the rest of the evening.

Old Age Day by Day September 12, 2012

Today I'm taking my granddaughter to a cat and dog shelter where my friend volunteers.  She will be so happy.  She's been wanting to go for a long time.  She wants to be a cat and dog trainer when she grows up.  She's also begun piano lessons, so she will have flexibility.  My problem with going to the shelter is wanting to take home most of the animals.  However, this place is so well maintained and the animals so well taken care of that not too much guilt arises.  Most animals get homes pretty quickly, according to my friend.  And there is a no kill policy, so they have a home at the shelter at least for the rest of their lives.  My granddaughter has made a blanket and pillow for the animals.  It's pretty sweet.

The film "Samsara" last night was gorgeous to watch, and disturbing too.  Not just beautiful images, but death, poverty, bad treatment of animals - the entire gamut of life on earth.  And yes, I was left with the sense of the ocean of suffering that this life can be.  When there are people, they often stare at the photographer, so the viewer is always aware that this is one moment, an invasion of privacy, and these people have given permission to be seen, really seen.  They look directly at us.  They become us, because even if they are naked and covered in mud and paint and feathers, the eyes, the eyes.  They insist on our common humanity.  I will not forget some of the images, so powerful, so profound.

Old Age Day by Day September 11, 2012

Terrible date.  It brings up so much grief for so many people.  We had two kids living in New York and my husband's sister.  That fear before you find out if they're safe.  The fear after about how our country would change, whether there would be war, other attacks.  It was probably the first time since Bay of Pigs I had felt something of what my parents did during World War II.  So many lives changed.  The axis shifted.

Today I am going with the neighbor to a macular degeneration support group.  I hope I feel comfortable and the talk is not too depressing and scary.  My friend is so good natured and upbeat and I'm hoping these other people will be too.  It's a hard disease to live with, but not so hard you feel sorry for yourself much.  But info and support would be nice.

Another friend and I are going to see the film "Samsara" tonight.  No words, no plot, just images.  It didn't get great reviews, but I like the idea.  She suggested it a week ago.  It's not going to be here long, so we'd best see it while we can.  No action, no stars, no hobby horse.  But probably not no message.  The title says it all:  the wheel of life we find ourselves participating in here on earth.

Old Age Day by Day September 10, 2012

I went to an interesting meeting yesterday about a group that helps each other stay in their homes as they age.  It's a great concept, and is on the line of "it takes a village".  I felt positive about it afterward and am going to talk to my husband today about it.  For those of us without much family to help, it makes sense to figure out how to help each other. 

In the morning I went to meditation, and heard a dharma talk from our teacher.  I felt a bit jangly through it, and not settled down, as I usually do.  I'm worried about my friend whose brother is dying, and a family member, and other situations.  Even the election is unnerving me a bit, already.  All feels unsettled.

Today is open, and I have no idea what I will make of it, but it should be possible to steady myself and organize the house a bit.  Modest goals are always best.

Old Age Day by Day September 9, 2012

We got rid of our old sofa yesterday, with the help of our younger son.  He found two young women who were happy to have it and also owned a pickup truck.  The other stuff I put out on the curb was snatched up within a couple of hours, so a lot of people are happy.  Now I can walk in my front hall instead of maneuvering myself around a large green object.  Everything seems so spacious!

Today I have meditation then a neighborhood meeting in the afternoon.  I'm reading the new Louise Penny mystery, so I'm a happy camper.  The weather is still beautiful, but with the fall tinge and cooler morning and evening.  I'm going to hang on to the idea of September as long as I can.  I won't call the season fall until October.

Old Age Day by Day September 8, 2012

Last night I sat down and watched Michelle Obama's DNC speech on YouTube.  It was heartfelt and near to exactly how I feel about my working class upbringing, yet, afterward, I was depressed.  Because she told the truth about how hard life often is, and I don't think any voters are going to want to hear it.  Then I watched Gabby Giffords lead the pledge of allegiance, and that deeply depressed me.  That a kid could destroy such a wonderful, intelligent, vibrant woman is horrible, horrible. 

So then my husband and I played Scrabble, and I won, but it didn't help, and the jobs report is not so good, and blah! 

Old Age Day by Day September 7, 2012

My morning began with a friend and her husband singing happy birthday over the phone at eight am.  They made me laugh, my favorite thing to do.  I'm having lunch with a couple of friends, and then my husband and I are going to take a walk and just go with the flow.  I've had my party, so I'm content with appreciating the beautiful fall day.  I just finished walking the dogs, and my step was springy, despite my advanced years.  It's amazing to be alive, and don't think I don't appreciate it!

My husband and I, sentimentalists that we are, watched Biden and Obama's speeches last night, and felt proud and hopeful.  I loved Obama's mention of citizenship, which is something I like to talk about in regards to teaching.  I often say my responsibility as a teacher is to help develop good citizenship:  critical thinking, knowledge of history, communications skills and compassion and interconnectivity.  I'm not teaching to create jobs.  I'm teaching to nurture good human beings.  I feel a theme of this convention is taken from Hillary Clinton:  It takes a village. 

It's about time someone emphasized interdependence, not the myth of the lone cowpoke beholden to no one.  Because our relationships run our lives and hearts and minds.  We are social animals.  It's good to hear people speak proudly of it.

Old Age Day by Day September 6, 2012

I got my eye doctor's form into the DMV this morning.  So now all I have to do is take the driving test later in the month and I'm fine.  I can drive until then.  Big relief.  I actually like the staff at the DMV.  I know, that makes me suspect for for dementia, but really, despite waiting many hours, or maybe because of it, I appreciate how good natured, professional, and organized they are.  There are just large, and I mean large, numbers of people they have to deal with.  So, though I've spent a total of five hours there already, I can't complain.  The office seems to be well run. 

I watched the speeches at the Democratic Convention last night on TV.  I said I wouldn't but succumbed.  Elizabeth Warren had me at corporations are not people.  Clinton, the ole snake charmer himself, was brilliant, and made some issues crystal clear for me.  I actually felt I understood better after listening to him.  So it was a positive experience for me.  Surprise, surprise. 

Now I'm off to fritter away the rest of my day eating lunch with a friend and doing my once-a-month therapy.  Me time.  I actually, embarassingly enough, get tons of me time.  I'm a lucky person.

Old Age Day by Day September 5, 2012

We went out to dinner last night with our younger daughter, her boyfriend, and his parents, here from the East Coast.  At this point in time, we're getting more comfortable with each other, and it was good to see them again.  On the other hand, there is something to this East Coast/West Coast thing that makes us not quite understand each other.  I went to a writer's conference in New York years ago, and that was when I first got it - that there is some kind of nebulous, generic thing about each coast that the other believes.  And there are differences.  The idea of what diversity means is different.  The sense of property and what that means seems contrary.  The contempt of easterners for western history is at odds. 

I was recently speaking to someone who lives on the west coast but grew up on the east coast, and he bemoaned the lack of history in America, and the richness of European history.  A lot of us westerners see our history in terms of Native peoples, and our architectural sites as Mesa Verde, Canyon de Chelle, the Cakokia mounds in Missouri, the sacred mountains and lakes.  So there is plenty here to tourist around and see, but it isn't European, or imitation European, like Washington DC and New York.  There's a sense of classlessness, too in the west, whereas people in the east want to "place" you, and are frustrated.  Westerners tend to be nomadic, at their base, and Easterners more rooted.  They take pride in their cities, we in our natural wonders:  Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Crater Lake, the Painted Desert.

Well, that's enough generalizing for one day, my apologies.

Old Age Day by Day September 4m 2012

My husband survived his birthday just fine.  We went out to lunch, and he bought two puzzles, and we went home and watched "The Hunger Games" which we had just bought.  My husband has read the book and seen the movie, I hadn't.  The movie is gripping enough, but the thought of this spectacle of children fighting repelled me, yet afterward, I saw the power of the metaphor.  Western sports is like the sacrifice of children for money and food.  They are damaged young, some die, others are psychically maimed by the sport they play.  So it has value, but the teens who watch this movie are not going to get any of that at all, is my guess.  They are going to see the glamor of the violence.  Anyway, it was a lot to think about.

Then my husband went to his first chorus rehearsal and I talked to two friends on the phone and then read my book "Half Blood Blues", a terrific read about jazz musicians in Europe right before World War II.  It's got a jazzy, flowy narrative and indeliable characters.  Fun.

Now, off to the dentist for a filling.  Oh, joy.

Old Age Day by Day September 3, 2012

I'm in a great mood:  it's my husband's birthday today, my kids had a terrific surprise birthday party with many of my friends last night, and we put our daughter and granddaughter safely on the plane to go home after a lovely week's visit.  I was feeling a bit sorry for myself before, and worried about a bunch of stuff I have no control over, and knew I was spinning my wheels for no reason, yet couldn't quite take my foot off the pedal.  Now I have survived the last swim for the season at the cabin, which always makes me sad, and accepted that I'm older than I ever dreamed possible, and just tackling the issue of whether I can get my eye doctor's okay for my driver's license renewal.  Every time I think of not driving I feel fearful of the big changes it will cause in my life.  But I'll walk and bus everywhere if I have to, and what is more important is that I can see well enough out of my good eye to read, write and do all the normal things, and yes, I drive fine, too.  We'll see if the DMV agrees.

So this is my husband's and my birthday week, and we're in good health, have healthy family, many friends and a comfortable lifestyle.  Change is hard, but it does bring rewards, and gratitude is something I find in abundance these days.  At least mostly I do.  And in this moment I am so touched by my blessings.