Old Age Day by Day January 30, 2013

Well, today my daughter, her fiance and our granddaughter come for a visit.  It's a whirlwind for our daughter, and we won't see much of her, but basically our granddaughter will be around for a week.  Then I'm flying her back and going on to visit a friend.  Speaking of friends, I had a great long phone conversation with my childhood friend yesterday.  She's on the east coast and has had health problems recently.  We laughed and caught up and discussed her plans in regards to her 96 year old mother.  I felt like I'd had a good "visit" after. 

Last night my husband and I watched "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" again.  It's a wonderful movie, and the best argument against testing on animals that could possibly be presented.  Powerful to the point that it makes you treasure all beings, and understand their suffering.  It's metaphorical possibilities are endless.  I dreamed a bit about it last night.  Our humanity rests in our compassion for other beings.  This movie expresses that so well.

Old Age Day by Day January 29, 2013

My goodness, the month is about up!  Time just whizzes along at my age.  I had a great time at the museum yesterday.  I was especially taken by Jay de Feo's show.  I loved her photographs, and the graphite drawings and the collages.  And that girl knew how to slap on the paint.  I've got a soft spot for globs of paint.  I adore Anselm Kiefer and others who build monuments on canvases.  It was inspiring, her show, and eye opening.  I don't think she got enough credit for her art.  The Jasper Johns show was more limited and did contain pieces I love, but I'm not really wild about him.  I see his place in the  pantheon, but he doesn't move me.  Anyway, we had fun, and took a long time in each show.  They had given us free audio, and it was very helpful, except one of the three narrators about the Johns show was pretentious and had to use abstract language instead of showing us detail or history or some insight.  The flowery language made me feel Johns' art was pretentious, which is a bad sign.  But I reminded myself that this was just a curator who was full of himself and thought we couldn't make connections or see the larger issues on our own. 

Last night I finished Junot Diaz's "This is how you lose her", which is so funny, brilliant, sad and full of life that you feel shot through with adrenalin.  Now I'm going to find his earlier books and savor his writing more.  Wow!  What a talent!

Old Age Day by Day January 28, 2013

I'm off to see two art shows with a friend this morning.  We'll get some walking in as well.  It's cold and sunny, so it is a good day for the trek.  I haven't seen any art in quite a while.  But now there are several shows in the city and here I am determined to see.  Hung Liu, Dutch paintings, Jay de Feo, Jasper Johns, many riches are all around me. 

I'm getting all excited to see my daughter, her fiance and my granddaughter.  Two more days!  I keep thinking of groceries and treats and what we might do.  But really, just being in the same room is enough for me.

Old Age Day by Day January 26m 2013

I finished an interesting book last night about the pursuit of happiness and positive thinking, and how the results of affirmations and these motivational seminars are counter-productive.  It's called "The Antidote" and the author of it finds that avoiding the negative does not make a person happier, paradoxically, facing the negative actually eases anxiety.  He describes various philosophers and research looking into this area, and the results are surprising.  One chapter is on Buddhism, and the practice of facing that life is change and death awaits all of us.  I really enjoyed learning about the Stoics, in Greek times, and what they were actually saying.  And he has a chapter on Mexico and Dias de las Muertos.  It turns out that avoidance of the inevitable is more punishing than seeing what is so for us as humans.  I also learned a bit about Eckhart Tolle.  It's a small book, by a British journalist who often writes for The Guardian.  Well worth reading.

Today the sun seems to be out, and walking the dogs seems a good idea.  Beyond that, I know not.

Old Age Day by Day January 25, 2013

Here comes the sun!  I sang while walking the dogs, and am looking forward to lunch with a friend and then a phone interview with my Buddhist teacher.  I still have this elation on Fridays, even though it's been a few years since I worked, and the weekend is not the oasis it once seemed.  I also have the Sunday night dread, as if I was still in school or going to work.  Old patterns die hard.  These rhythms get in the body.

I read how our Governor gave a State of the State address that was received enthusiastically by both parties, and it was optimistic and positive.  I grew up with this man.  He was the son of the Governor, then the Governor and then Mayor of Oakland and now Governor again.  I have never had any doubt he loves this state and thinks of the people's welfare first.  He's of the Jesuit mind for service and contribution to his community.  Although I don't agree with everything he does, I think history will make this man into a legend.  I guess that his faith and his intellect and even his privilege have forged his strength.  He actually makes decisions in a rational, considered deliberation.  He's a grown up.  Not many of those kind of politicians around.  He's in his seventies now, and has battled prostate cancer, so I think we should treasure him while he's alive. 

Old Age Day by Day January 24m 2013

We watched Hitchcock's 'The Lady Vanishes" last night.  As I get older myself, I love seeing the heroine being a lady in her sixties or seventies.  Dame May Whitty is delightful, intrepid, and brilliant.  And every time I see Michael Redgrave, I see Vanessa Redgrave in his face.  He's splendid, and despite the model trains and painted backdrops, the film's tension is wonderful.  Made during World War II, it has the passion and patriotism that created some wonderful films.  And the movie is an object lesson of the danger in assuming that a little old lady is what she seems, and only that.  This little old lady is a super spy, and able to outrun the Nazis.

I don't believe in war or combat, but if we have soldiers, I think they should be men or women.  Women want to do this, for a reason I can't fathom, but I cannot see why they are not able to be as combative as men.  So I'm fine with them being included in an activity I pray feverently to cease.
I know their are men, who, like me, would be terrified and unable to serve in combat, and there clearly are women who are passionate to serve.  I don't think it's about gender.

But let's realize war perpetuates itself, and we must turn to solutions that don't involve drones or combat.  The more diplomatic tools in our arsenal, the better to keep the peace.  Not soldiers, ideas.

Old Age Day by Day January 23, 2013

The gloomy weather has descended again.  However, we probably need the rain, if it comes.  I'm not seeing my granddaughter today as she has the flu.  I'm going to visit her tomorrow if she's better.  So this is an inside day, and perhaps a day to write poems and read.  A reflective day, I hope.  This is a great time of life because I have so much space for being quiet, letting my thoughts wander and go, and seeing what comes up in my body and mind.  It's a luxury.  I'm grateful.

Old Age Day by Day January 22, 2013

I actually won a raffle prize, two tickets to a local play.  I seldom win anything, so I was pleased, and this will get us out to a cultural event, which has not been happening much of late.  My husband is so cosy at home that I can seldom stir him from his nest. 

We looked at houses with our son yesterday.  Of course all are grossly overpriced and the details confusing.  One worries about foundations - hidden and mysterious - and cannot tell about the neighborhood and real conditions.  Each had it's attractions and demerits.  I'd like him to live next to a police station, but so far no abode has surfaced with that sterling quality.  I can see he's really set on finding something this time, and I respect that.  I believe he will make and offer on one of them, and then it's the tension of acceptance or refusal, then the house inspection.  In other words, a lot of nail biting. 

My husband and I lucked out with our first house.  We had no idea what we were doing, but we bought low and sold high in only four years, without having effected any improvements.  The next house we were not so lucky.  The only fortunate thing was selling it eventually, when many in our area couldn't sell.  The market had bottomed out.  It took us six months to sell it after we moved, as our original buyers had FHA refuse to close, so we were stuck moving to another state with an empty house to sell left behind.  The last house we sold did fine, but didn't make us any money.  It is not a pleasant process, even if everything does go right.  And there is always something wrong that surprises you down the line:  a fireplace that doesn't work, difficult neighbors, speeding traffic on what looks like a bucolic road, a drainage system that is failing. 

And yet most of us do it if we can.  Proof of faith over fact, as they say.

Old Age Day by Day January 21, 2013

We got up at 7:30 to watch the Inaugural.  I cried, and we felt proud of everyone, and our country.  It was a good day to be an American.  I'm turning into a complete sentimental sop in my old age.  And I don't even care.  We've come a long way, baby.  It was great to see Hilary Clinton, and Jimmy Carter and be inspired by music and flags and good intentions.  The people who come from long distances and stand in the cold inspire me the most.  They believe in historical moments.  They believe in supporting their President.  They want to be joyous, and share the connections forged by politics.  Yes, politics can tear us apart, but it can do the opposite as well.  I thought Obama's speech was a grand attempt to knit us together with common purpose, history and goals.  He did indeed appeal to our better angels.

Old Age Day by Day January 20, 2013

It's warming right up, and people seem cheerful.  Of course, so far today, I've only been to the Buddhist Temple, where people generally quite cheerful, if not actually radiant, and Whole Foods, where I only spoke to the cashier, but she asserted she feels happier every degree it warms.  Later I am going to a fund raiser/party, which will severely test this theory.  I know the dogs are upbeat, because instead of huddling in the kitchen they followed me out back and just now opened the door to my studio, deciding, without my input, that I needed fresh air.  They are very big on fresh air.

Part of my euphoria is that my kitchen is back together, and yesterday I bought two small cutting boards to celebrate and today I plunked daffodils in a vase on the table.  I was able to read both newspapers without a worker interrupting.  I lingered over tea.  It was positively liberating.  I'm already dying to have people over for dinner, and my interest in cooking has returned. 

My husband, however, is gloomy over a certain football game, though it's only half-time.  I don't think he's noticed the weather yet.

Old Age Day by Day January 19, 2013

 The weather is warming up, and there might even be rain next week.  Perhaps our normal pattern is kicking in.  I can't quite decide what I want to do today.  I'm sure something will unfold.  Last night we watched "Call Me Madam", with Ethel Merman, and it has a couple of great songs and well, Ethel Merman.  She's terrific, and has some nice dance moves as well.  She's from before the age of tiny microphones, when belting a song was essential.  People don't sing like that any more, not even opera singers.  She was super attractive, with great legs, and had great comedic timing and a sass about her that was endearing.  You don't feel sorry for her like you do for Judy Garland or Kathryn Grayson.  Though she had tough breaks and often made a musical on Broadway a success and then was not cast in the film.  Unfair and common at the time.  The worst blow was taking away "Gypsy" from her and giving it to Rosalind Russell.  Totally wrong.  Through it all she prevailed and lived a long life.  Quite a gal, as they said in my parents' era. 

Old Age Day by Day January 18, 2013

I had a nice long dogwalk with a friend this morning and ran into another friend strolling her granddaughter.  The air is warming up, and I'm grateful.  My kitchen is fully functional, and I feel organized.  Ah.  How the simple things give pleasure. 

I have been writing some poetry, and that activity feels mighty good.  I aspire to begin a prose piece as well, when it occurs to me what the topic might possibly be.  Spring must be the writing state of mind.  When I finished, several months ago, Alice Munro's "Dear Life", I felt like writing short stories, because in her hands the form seemed perfection itself.  Yesterday I was reading the New York Times Book Review, and seeing an excellent review of the book, reminded me of how dazzled I was by her writing from the beginning and how much this current book exceeded my expectations.  Her compassion for her flawed characters (so very recognizable to me) and ability to show the surprises and twists and turns in every ordinary life honor this enterprise called living.  I ended up feeling what an overall treasure my life is, and this without her saying any such thing or being preachy or directive in any way.  That is a great gift, and my copies of her short story books are beside my side of the bed, should I need comfort and pleasure.  The stories are not happy, it is the comfort of truth that endears them to me.

Old Age Day by Day January 17, 2013

I've spent the last hour talking with a childhood friend who now lives in New York.  She had a medical emergency over the holidays, and I wanted to check in with her.  It sounds like everything is okay now.  It's always fun to talk to her, and the conversation usually involves a lot of laughter.  She has many grandchildren and also a 96 year old mother, so she travels a lot to visit her three adult children and their families and is sharing responsibility for her mother with her older brother.  She has a complex life, and an enriched and rewarding one, and I'm fortunate to have her share it with me.

Yesterday the refrigerator got installed, and even though it didn't fit right, we're done.  No one but us will ever notice the slight gap on either side with the walls, and once an adjacent wall is painted and the floor scratch oiled lightly, we'll be ready to put down the rug, put the leaves back in the table, bring the chairs in and resume being able to sit in the kitchen to eat.  Ah, the little luxories of life! 

I have my granddaughter this afternoon, and in between plan on going to a bookstore for some magazines.  I'm ready for some major trivia.

Old Age Day by Day January 16, 2013

I ate a big breakfast with a friend this morning.  It was delicious and hearty, and warmed me up.  I feel fortified.

Friendship is the great fortifier for me.  The more I connect with my friends, the better I feel.  I had a long phone talk with my best friend yesterday, and a shorter one with another.  I don't think texting is ever going to do it for me.  My generation consists of talkers.  We don't want short hand, we want long hand.  Laughter translates better for us with voices.  We are fine with meandering and getting off topic and having no reason for calling.  We're spontaneous.

I rarely hear the voices of my adult children, or my granddaughters.  They live in that new technological world.  I'm respectful, but for me this constitutes a loss.  Multitasking means if I hear their voice on the phone they are doing dishes or talking to other people in the room where they are or on the computer or checking texts.  The quality of the conversation suffers, because they are focused everywhere.  Such is the way of the world.

So I need my geezer friends to gab, and laugh, and cry with.  To talk about the weather where they are and forget the name of the book they're reading and amble verbally through this thing called life.

Old Age Day by Day January 15, 2013

Not only did my mind become completely transformed at the retreat, but I cracked my head on my car, so my frontal lobe has been rearranged as well.  However, returning home to a kitchen looking like a bomb hit it was a slight setback in my consciousness, but today I feel happy again.  I have let go of all hope that we will ever have a refrigerator in an appropriate place, or a table and chairs in the center of the room, as we had in the good old days before the deluge.  As Jim Carrey says in "When Nature Calls, Ace Ventura Pet Detective", I'm in my essential creaminess. 

The retreat was a spiritual treasure, but going with my dear friend was an especial pleasure as well.  We haven't seen a lot of each other recently, and it was good to talk and eat and share our responses to the dharma talks. 

Now I'm going to look forward to some time with friends here, then a visit of our daughter, her fiance, and our granddaughter.  It will be our son's birthday.  And then a visit up north with my best friend.  I have such a good life.

Old Age Day by Day January 11, 2013

Well, I'm off to my retreat this morning, and not a moment too soon.  There is very little equanimity left in me, and today the refrigerator is supposed to be installed.  My poor husband is left to handle whatever comes on his own.  I feel guilty.  But I look forward to being away, reflecting, and hearing dharma that is so helpful to be in my attempt to be kind and compassionate.  It helps me get back to basics:  my careful relations with others, my kindness to myself, my hope to observe the precepts and treasure this life I have been given. 

It's a long drive and my next order of business is to get some snacks for the road.  I have AkMok crackers and water, so a few juicy apples, some nuts and other energy boosters will be a good idea.  I thought of this in the middle of the night last night, when I do my best/worst thinking. 

Old Age Day by Day January 9, 2013

My husband and I watched a Jane Austen film, "Mansfield Park" last night and then sat talking about all her novels and the film versions for about an hour.  It was interesting, especially because the better the novel, the better it's been filmed.  I think her best work is Persuasion, and that is the film most perfect and perfectly cast.  "Pride and Prejudice" has several lovely versions on film, and "Sense and Sensibility" and "Emma" have one version each that works well.  "Northanger Abbey" is hard to film, but has been done adequately once, and "Mansfield Park" is the most problematic, as the novel itself suffers from priggish main characters, too much black and white quality, and a less effervescent text.  I believe Austen was testing what was good and what was evil, and she got a bit preachy. 

The version we saw last night has an overlay of feminism, because the writer and director tried to conflate Jane Austen and Fanny Price.  It distorts the book and makes Jane Austen more simplified and modern than she can have been.  I also don't like the movies about Jane Austen much.  But probably because I can't see the point in making her into a character.  I've lived with Austen's works all my life and for my first decades reread them all several times a year.  I often say some of my morality I stole from those books, and it's true, in that she had the complexity I was seeking, and conflicted main characters who struggled with what they wanted and what they wanted to be.  So seeing the films is like looking through an album of photos of old friends.

Old Age Day by Day January 8, 2013

A beautiful day again.  I'm going to walk the dogs shortly.  They are having a terrible time not sleeping in their usual kitchen spots, and thus we are sleeping poorly as well.  Our nerves are shredded.  The new refrigerator maybe won't fit in the space.  My husband worries it will break the brick steps, as it weighs 1200 pounds.  They have to redo wiring and the water access, so he visualizes another flood and another floor, on and on, endlessly.  We keep getting stuck in the process.  When we can get away, it's better, but of course so much time is spent waiting for a call or a repair person.  This is when you realize things are way too important in this culture, and you cannot step outside the box unless you wander aimlessly with no possessions.  Kind of like a Buddhist monk, which has always sounded attractive, and now seems the definition of freedom.

In the meantime, like Jean Valjean, I will pull the chains that bind me.  But right now, the house seems like an albatross.  I want to take care of it and treat it kindly, but I find no way to do so.  This is the dark side of home ownership.  An RV is looking good at this point.

Old Age Day by Day January 7, 2013

I've already walked the dogs.  Why not?  They got us up a bunch of times last night.  They are totally disoriented from not being in their normal places in the kitchen, and last night we tried them in their crates in the living room, then up in the TV room.  They hear sounds and bark, they can't tell what time it is and bark, they are scared and bark.  Consequently, we are pretty exhausted.  Distruption has been the order of every day for over two months.  It's hard to imagine the kitchen being back to rights. 

All this highlights how lucky we are, how calm are lives are, and how little this all matters, if we take care of our mental states.  I have a bunch of tricks up my sleeves to handle stress, including talking to friends, meditation, talking to Buddhist teachers, talking to my therapist, reading, getting out of the house, walking, seeing a movie.  I plan to do the latter today.  Either "Promised Land" or "The Impossible".  And I've been working my way through Alafair Burke's mysteries, having fun with the fact that she gets better each book.  I have two more, then I'm going to read Jared Diamond's new book.  Then Junot Diaz's book, then "The Marriage Plot".  I can outlast the kitchen mess, just see if I don't!

Old Age Day by Day January 6, 2013

Another dreary day, but listening to a dharma talk and meditating helped.  Then my husband and I had lunch and I bought new pajamas.  Now I'm going to hibernate the rest of the day.  It's cold, and I have a good mystery, so why not.  I received and email from an old friend in Australia, and from my best bud up north, so that is uplifting.  I'm also getting excited about the retreat.  I'm ready to get away for a couple of days.  I'm trying to do what my teacher says and dance between my thoughts and feelings.  The dance metaphor is a good one for me, as I adore dancing, though in my Indian, foot stomping exuberant way.  Letting the body take over and move without directing it, that is freedom.

Old Age Day by Day January 5, 2013

We had a nice dinner with our younger son last night at his place.  We watched some football, talked and played with his dog.  He has one of those lofty places, and it's warm and cosy.  I ate too much and had two glasses of wine, so that, and worrying about the kitchen, made for a restless night's sleep.  The repairs in the kitchen look pretty bleak and endless at this point.  I'm going to try to persuade my husband to go to a movie this afternoon.  Tonight we are meeting our younger daughter's boyfriend's parents for dinner.  Tomorrow I have meditation, so I hopefully will work on some equanimity.  It's hard to have the house invaded again and again with two big dogs to move around like musical chairs.  I believe I have now officially lost my sense of humor about it.

It doesn't help that the weather is gray and overcast, and tomorrow it may rain.  At least I made the most of yesterday's sunny weather, walking with my friend and her granddaughter in the morning, then going out to lunch and then walking around with another friend in the afternoon.  And next weekend I'll be on retreat, so my frame of mind should improve.  But right now I'm in a slough, just beaten down a bit by thing after thing going wrong with the repairs.

Old Age Day by Day January 4m 2013

My friend and I went to see the film "A Late Quartet" yesterday.  It was an interesting look inside the  world of musicians, and the insular, hothouse life they lead.  Unfortunately, it does not seem attractive or worth the effort.  Not enough of the joy of performing or being highly skilled is shown.  So one is left with a view of an unraveling that is painful and sad.  The acting is superb, with Christoper Walken, Catherine Keener and Philip Seymour Hoffman.  It's a showcase for acting, but a bit melodramatic.  But it was refreshing to be thinking about such talented individuals, and what hard work it is, and how much is sacrificed to have fame and fortune. 

It reminded me of the chapter in Andrew Solomon's "Far From the Tree" on Proteges.  It is perhaps as much a curse as a blessing to be so gifted so early, and have the expectations and demands that accompany that gift.  In so many ways, an ordinary life is richer and fuller.

Old Age Day by Day January 3, 2013

Well, yesterday we kind of lost our minds.  We looked at two places for refrigerators, and the ones with better consumer reports were ten thousand dollars.  We could buy a good car for that.  We got home and sunk into despair.  We got on our pajamas and went to bed and talked in the dark, and when I asked my husband what time it was it was 7:15 pm.  We started laughing, got up, I made spagetti and meatballs which we ate in our pjs, and then he worked on his puzzle and I read.  We are trapped in either getting a crappy new refrigerator or a better one with a life span of ten years.  The warranties are for one year.  Evidently, if you need a refrig that is inset, you must pay as if it is made out of gold.  And they all look exactly alike and cause no thrills.  I was hoping refusing to buy another SubZero would lessen the cost, but no, not really.  These refrigerators are built to self destruct almost immediately, and there is not a darned thing you can do about it.  Welcome to the disposable culture.

I was threatening to put a cooler in the recess all yesterday, and trying to figure out in my mind if I could live without a refrigerator.  I was willing to try.  But today we will probably order one of these ripoffs, and that will be that.  It gets the blood boiling, for sure.

Old Age Day by Day January 2m 2013

We got the whole Christmas enchilada packed away in the basement.  It was hard work, but satisfying.  Today the refrigerator shopping commences.  Big whoop.  It is still crisp and clear and cold.  Our houses and wardrobes are not prepared for this weather, but we manage.  We're all wimps here. 

The local movie critic had an article in the paper this morning about gun violence and his part in not speaking up when he reviews films.  He regrets that he didn't say more specifically something about the violence in "Dark Knight Rises" and "Jack Reacher".  It was good to see him in print admit that his own taste for violent fare colors his reviews, and to see the connection between what kids see and play and what actions they contemplate.  I admire him for admitting we've crossed a line.  He loved "Django Unchained", but he says that could be NC17, because it's for an adult audience.  I'd already decided it was too violent for me to see, as is "Zero Dark Thirty".  I won't see something that glorifies hunting down and killing a man by our government.  Hunt him down and put him on trial.  That's what I used to believe was the American way.

What changed for me was seeing "Silence of the Lambs" way back when.  My husband and friends convinced me the acting was so great, yada yada, and then I had to pay a therapist after to talk about it.  There is no justification for anyone under 21 seeing it, and I felt corrupted and dirtied by paying for a ticket to see it.  I began seeing buying a ticket as a political act.  And when you do see violent films, the audience reaction is sometimes sickening and scary.  When I saw "Monster", to catch Charlise Theron's Oscar nominated performance, a very sick individual was overly excited about the subject matter.  It was disturbing on so many levels. 

So if not censorship, because that never works, at least using the rating system to keep this ugly trash out of the heads of children whose brains haven't even developed fully.  And maybe just maybe, monitor your kids about their games, computer time and activities.  I thought that is what we were supposed to do as parents.  Not buy them whatever gets them out of our hair.  Because they are getting into our hair in whole new, horrific ways.

Old Age Day by Day January 1, 2013

We watched the Rose Bowl parade for two hours this morning, then had breakfast and tackled the dismantling of the decorations.  We're near completion now, and pretty weary.  I took the dogs for a walk after the parade, and it's very cold here for us and super windy, so I'm still a little chilled.  We didn't stay up until midnight last night, but woke up with the noise and my husband turned on the TV for a minute.  Then the dogs woke us up at 4:30 am and we got up at eight am.  Not the most restful night, but my mood was calm and happy all evening and today when I awoke.  The days are getting longer now, the day is dry, and I'm looking forward to visits, travel and other events this new year.  Maybe our kitchen will even be fixed eventually.  Tomorrow we will shop for a new refrigerator, the very last thing I wanted.  But today, it's good to be in a home I like, with all of my loved ones well and happy.