Old Age Day by Day June 30, 2013

Today we're going out into the hot, hot day and watching baseball.  My younger daughter and I are waiting in line for sandwiches from our favorite deli to take to the game.  Sunscreen and hats are de rigeur.  I hope we don't feel like fried eggs.  After the game we are going to a restaurant and celebrating our younger son's birthday.  I picked out a key lime pie for dessert, and this one looks like a winner, with little mound of meringue and fresh lime on top.  Summer is definitely here.

I heard from my two dearest friends in emails, and feel like a lucky person with such supports.  That they are very funny is a absolute must, and the big hearts as well.  But they are smart and give me much needed perspective.  They are my anchors.

Well, off to the game, just call me a sizzling slice of bacon!

Old Age Day by Day June 29, 2013

We went to bed with the fan full blast, and were snoring away when a huge crash woke us up at 2 am.  For an instant I thought it was THE earthquake, then we both thought a tree had crashed into our garage or house.  I went outside and my neighbor was there and we saw a car across the parkway.  He's a doctor so he asked several times if she needed help, as we could hear it was a woman.  She was talking on her cell, and seemed drunk, and finally I yelled up to my husband to call 911.  A bunch of police cars came and then an ambulance, which took her away, though she was still able to talk and hopefully was unharmed.  Then we could hear the police trying to figure out what had happened.  A bumper was in the middle of the road by our house, and two cars hit it before it got dragged out of the way.  This morning there are blue flags everywhere and a caution tape surrounding the area.  She must have been coming down our street, hit a tree, then crashed through the parkway and ended up facing the wrong way on the street below.  After we finally got back to sleep at 3 am a huge something took the car away and made a racket, so we both feel gnarly this morning.  We'll never know what happened, exactly, but we just hope there is not an injured tree just waiting to come down on one of our houses later.

I plan to spend the rest of the day recouperating.  I couldn't help, lying awake after the accident, thinking if it had been one of my kids.  I was spooked.  There but for the grace of god...........

Old Age Day by Day June 28, 2013

We had a relaxing dinner out with our younger daughter last night.  She's easy to be with.  I was virtuous:  salmon with vegetables and a green salad.  Well, a glass of sparkling wine as well.  So maybe good, not virtuous.  The book "The Swerve" is amazingly fascinating.  I can see why it won the Pulitzer Prize.  When you get to the part that describes what Lucretius proposed, it is dazzling.  I won't spoil it for you, but it is indeed modern thinking. 

Today I have a walk with one good friend then lunch with another, so I'm set.  It's a good day to chatter and giggle and talk about the heat, which is excessive.  I love it. 

Old Age Day by Day June 27, 2013

I'm reading "The Swerve", by Goldblatt, and it's fascinating so far.  It's about a book discovered in the Middle Ages by the Roman poet Lucretius, "On the Nature of Things".  It was deeply influential in the time it was written, then lost for centuries until found in a monastery.  I've already learned a great deal about parchments and papers used, what vellum means, and other details of books.  I seem to remember doing a report in World History in high school on Lucretius.  We'll see if this is the same person.  The book is pretty fascinating, and very palatable history.

Today is warm, summery and a good day for using our new leaf blower.  Yes, we are going to sweep up our front walk, and all the leaves which have rained down upon it.  My husband is really getting into gardening, and I myself love weeding these days.  I think the gardener's defection is going to prove healthful and rewarding for us.  I also want to get up to the cabin though.  I'm torn.  The best month of the cabin - July - is around the corner.  I hope we go next week.

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to seeing friends, a baseball game and celebrating our younger son's birthday.

Old Age Day by Day June 26m 2013

The crown work in my mouth really has caused soreness.  I always forget how uncomfortable I am for a while after.  I took tylenol all yesterday and may have to today.  I'm taking my granddaughter out to a movie and lunch, and I don't want to be distracted.  I am grateful I'm with a dentist now who knows her stuff and is clearly professional, competent and compassionate.  But still...I hate doing this in the summertime,when I want to be up at the cabin.  It's beautiful today after the rain and warm.  It's a good day to be out and about. 

I look forward to the rest of the week, and a baseball game on Sunday.  My team is doing great, and won 7-3 last night.  Mighty gratifying.

Old Age Day by Day June 25, 2013

We watched a Steven Seagal film last night that I'd gotten for $5.  I have a weakness for the guy, though he can't act and his films are violent and unredeeming.  He always plays someone, in this case a Navy Seal, who kills all the bad guys, pretty much by himself.  He doesn't mess around with romance, though there is always a pretty girl to look at, and he doesn't try to avoid wounding or killing, in fact, he dispatches with no pause whatsoever.  His martial arts skills are amazing, and his hands are super fast.  I think I like the films because they don't pretend to be anything more than they are:  fantasies about a world of good guys and bad guys with no gray area, where the enemies are so bad, their plots so heinous, that it's just logical to get rid of them.  Nothing in real life is like this, therefore it's an escape.  Real life is so complex and blurry that it's hard to know what action to take and how and when.  Seeing his movies give you a break from thinking.  And it doesn't harm your body like alcohol or drugs. 

I had a great phone conversation yesterday with a friend.  And it was complex and interesting, about challenging human relationships.  I guess I was done for the day after that, hence the Seagal movie.  My brain can only take so much these days.

Old Age Day by Day June 24m 2013

I had a nice interaction with the technician who was doing my mammogram.  We discussed cell phones and liking to speak to a person, not text.  We are of the same generation.  She's a virgo, I'm a virgo.  I love serendipity, and these chance encounters, where you connect for a brief time, but you somehow KNOW each other in those few moments. 

I'm reading a terrific book, The Examined Life, by Dr. Grosz.  He's a psychaitrist, and it's a small book with vinettes about patients he's had over the years.  Very wise, gentle, and profound.  I know, I'm finding everything profound these days.  What can I say?  I'm in profound mode.

This so-called rain is fizzling out.  More like a very light drizzle.  My yard needs real rain.  We'll see if something more profound develops this afternoon.

Old Age Day by Day June 23, 2013

The dharma talk today resonated with me profoundly.  Anam Thubten said the dharma was the journey of living this life on earth.  Not transcending our human existence, but living it as beings of 10,000 joys and 10,000 sorrows.  Transcendence is not escape our fate as humans, but embracing it, by transcending our egos and seeing that there is no there there.  We are divided by our egos, united by our common essence.  Ordinary life, with it's ups and downs is the blessing, the path.  I love that message, and believe it as the core truth for me. 

I then had lunch with my friend, and we enjoyed catching up and witnessing each other's intentions and challenges.  We were both in a mood to be proud of our behavior.  I felt good about my trip and she felt the same about hers. 

It's a drizzly day, with real rain predicted for tomorrow.  I hope so, as we could use it.  For tonight, I'll be happy reading or watching a movie.  Tomorrow morning I have a mammogram and Tuesday 2 1/2 hours in the dentist office for a crown.  Ugh!

Old Age Day by Day June 22, 2013

Two days ago both newspapers had an article on the fact that world wide one in three women will be physically or sexually abused or both.  I can't get it out of my head.  I am going to do something about this, again.  I'm going to write letters to the editors, and think of other actions to take.  All the years I worked in safehouses, I thought the situation was getting better, but it really hasn't.  Yes, police are more informed and proactive, as well as DA offices, and more people are prosecuted, but not enough to be any kind of deterrent.  Girls live in fear.  Women live in fear.  It's the elephant in the room, and no one speaks of it.  Our granddaughters are growing up with the same implicit threat that we faced.  It's not acceptable.  Women's rights ought to be the top priority in all the world.  They are the mothers of us all, and their behavior is modified and altered by fear.  I was a victim, and despite all my efforts in therapy and elsewhere, I cannot honestly say I have overcome the fear.  Because it's so much bigger than the person who abused me.  I don't take risks.  I don't walk out alone at night, ever.  And this country is one of the most liberal, but it is one of the most violent, and often the guns and knives and physical power of men are weapons against us.  It has to stop.  What could we be if we were truly free of this threat hanging over our heads?  We would speak up more, we would teach our children to speak up.  What if we felt safe?  How would that world look?  I'd like to know.

Old Age Day by Day June 21m 2013

I'm feeling less tired and more organized today.  I spoke to my granddaughter on the phone and am dropping by her gifts after my haircut.  She's one booked up little girl, but then, they all are.  I hope to take her to a movie next week.  I'd like to see a movie today, and that may happen.  It's funny, it feels like I need a transition period.  I had a busy, busy life for three weeks.  Now it is slow paced and to do things with other people I have to organize something.  I'm a bit discombobulated. 

My younger son called last night and asked if I'd listened to the CD that was the wedding favor.  He said "Book of Love" was one of the songs my daughter and her now husband sing on it.  I sang it to them at the rehearsal dinner, not knowing they'd already recorded it.  Synchronicity!  There are ways we are in tune with each other that are mysterious.

I'm reading the new Craig Johnson book, and it is funny and delightful.  It's like slipping on a favorite pair of shoes at this point.  My husband is reading older books.  He's hooked as well.  And we just finished seeing the first season of "Longmire".  It hasn't the humor of the books, but is still good about the mysteries.  I will be sorry when this book ends.  I like my time in Wyoming, via a book.  Armchair travel, as they say.

Old Age Day by Day June 20, 2013

Today is my granddaughter's birthday.  She's eight.  I hope to drive over and give her her presents.  We returned yesterday afternoon at four after ten days away.  Wow, it's been a hectic time.  First I had jury duty for a week, then my cousin and the older kids' half brother visited, then we were gone ten days, seeing our friend on the way up and back to our older daughter's wedding.  That went well.  It was a beautiful ceremony, their vows were touching and heartfelt, the weather was sunny, the family and friends joyous.  We had a good time with our granddaughter and kids and the older kids' stepmom and her son.  I felt we gave it our all, from helping out whenever possible, entertaining our granddaughter, making or d'oeuves, talking to people and getting to know new in-laws.  Our daughter and her husband are so in love, and it's wonderful to see that.

Yes, we sang at the rehearsal dinner.  We sang "Sandy Beach of Hawaii", just me, the stepmom, my daughter-in-law, our younger daughter and our granddaughter.  Actually, our daughter's boyfriend chimed in, too.  Then I sang "Book of Love" alone, as no one else would venture.

  I was so touched when my daughter asked me to read at the ceremony, a beautiful quote from Rudolf Steiner.  And I gave the blessing I had written for them after the ceremony.  I felt like I'd made right effort and put the best of me forward to honor them.

My husband and I were pleased with our behavior and contributions, and happy it had all gone so smoothly.  I hope the couple feels the same.

Old Age Day by Day June 8, 2013

We pick up our two older kids' brother at the airport this afternoon.  He is a delightful human being, and very smart and funny.  I'm really looking forward to the visit.  We're having dinner at home, but as it is so warm, we'll be able to eat outside, and I love that.  Tomorrow is open, so we'll come up with a plan together, and that night we go to relatives for dinner.  Then off to our daughter's wedding, so I won't be blogging for a couple of weeks.  Imagine me laughing, singing, dancing and playing with small toys and you will have the picture.  We'll also be seeing my best friend, and a close friend on the way up, so what's not to like? 

Old Age Day by Day June 7, 2013

My granddaughter and I had a relaxed time together.  First we ate at her favorite cafe, where she surprised me by ordering a cheeseburger instead of her usual grilled cheese, and she wanted a root beer instead of apple juice.  We then checked out the cats at the pet store, and browsed in the toy store.  At home we drew and looked at ideas for making a cloth dog.  Then it was time to go home, as she had softball practice.  She's growing up, there's no denying it, and we have talks.  She's fun to be with, and, as we are being more careful of Mom's rules, more accomodating.  She tests, but she respects the boundaries. 

Today I do some shopping, and maybe sweep up the steps.  It's endless, this gardener business, but I still feel it looks as good as it did when we had a real one.  I may change my mind later.

Old Age Day by Day June 6, 2013

We had a lovely time with my cousin, his wife and her brother and two sisters.  The weather was perfect, and they enjoyed seeing the gardens.  It was good to catch up, and be with people who come from where my family is from, and are so intelligent and nice.  I promised to come there soon, and I believe I mean it.  We bought two plants that we'd loved in the gardens, and are going to attempt to grow them in our yard here.  One is called Pocketbook, and is bright yellow gold clusters of flowers that look like purses for fairies.  The other is a Smoke Bush, which has deep, eggplant colored leaves and a misty spray of lighter pinkish flowers.  I hope we don't kill them.  My cousin and I compared plants we have killed, especially orchids, bonsais and steghorn ferns.  Evidently, a black thumb runs in the family.  Not exactly a point of pride, but misery loves company.

I got a call from my daughter, and it sounds like the wedding is shaping up and she seems calm and immensely happy.  It's sweet.  In four days we head up there for the festivities.

Old Age Day by Day June 4, 2013

I really loved the documentary we saw yesterday, "Stories We Tell", directed by Sarah Polley.  It's intelligent, multilayered and insightful.  There is much to muse upon after.  I saw it with a friend and her friend, and we were equally enthusiastic.  Polley was in "The Sweet Hereafter", and directed "Life After Her", a near perfect film.  But this film is haunting and complex, and reveals as much in the director's choices as it does in the narratives.  Ten thumbs up or whatever.

I had a good walk with my friend, and a good talk with my therapist. 

One of the things we discussed in therapy was a reoccurring dream I have.  In it my parents and I have been estranged (no kidding, they've been dead for 26 years) and I feel guilty.  They live in a house mostly gray, and unrecognizable from the real one.  My mother is either dead or not, depending on which version I dream that night, and my father is distant emotionally.  We have not gathered for holidays and I have not seen them in many months.  There is no sense of a "break", I have just chosen not to keep up with them, but I do feel bad.  I feel the distance between us acutely.

So much of my life has now gone on without them.  They've missed so many events and milestones, as has my first husband, the father of my older two kids.  He's been gone even longer, 29 years.  My therapist thinks the upcoming wedding is bringing this loss back to me.  It makes sense.  But there is also the gradual not thinking about them as much, and at the same time my kids not thinking about me as much (healthy as it is) and the everpresent mortality issue.  I think I'm just trying to get used to it:  this final dissolving of the self, and fading away into memory and eventually beyond remembrance.  I see it.  I am aware.

Old Age Day by Day May 3, 2013

I had a relaxing day yesterday, going to meditation, then having lunch with my husband before he left for the cabin, then shopping with our younger daughter.  We had fun, and I completed my list for gifts for the trip.  Then I watched a movie with the dogs, while I ate my salad.  Today is busy, with a dog walk with a friend, then therapy, then a movie with another friend.  I look forward to it all.  And tomorrow I will pack up my bags for the trip, so plans are coming along.  However, there are still too many shoes, so I've got to decide, or just take the whole closet full.

The weather is cheerful, and birds are singing all around.  The crows must have business elsewhere.  I hear one of my dogs rummaging through the brush for tiny green apples, which they eat and then get the runs.  Oh, joy. 

Old Age Day by Day June 1, 2013

Is it June?  Is it summer?  Feels like it.  I love this weather.  Last night I saw my granddaughter perform two pieces at her piano recital.  One she had composed herself.  She was great, and looked adorable in the dress we shopped for together.  Boy, did going to the recital bring back memories of my kids and all their performances.  Although this time there was no tension, because I am not the mother.  I don't feel responsible for any of it.  I gave her flowers, and she was obviously pleased with herself.  It's a blessing to be able to share this joy.  I wish I was closer to my granddaughter up north.  So many little things I miss, but hopefully some of them I'll be able to fly up to attend. 

I collected a lot of clothes for my trip last night, strewed them out all over the guest room bed, and am attempting to organize what I need to take.  I have other things to gather as well, like books and piano music for my granddaughter, and odds and ends.  I enjoy this organizing, and I also like the search through my closet.  Surprising items always turn up:  clothes I'd forgotten I owned, strange underwear that needs dumping, scarves that need wearing.  I spent a lot of time looking for my red belt, then found it where I'd already searched before.  I must winnow down my number of shoes.  Mighty willpower is required for that task.  But I'm up to it.