Old Age Day by Day July 31, 2013

I feel a bit better this morning.  I probably owe it to Whole Foods.  I went there yesterday and bought many bad things, like pinapplemint juice and cayennemintagave juice, plus a huge zuchini muffin.  I did, however, restrain myself from the bakery and the bite sized devil brownies and macaroons.  But then I hit the middle part of the store.  Even worse for the purse than the middle of Costco.  I found an infinity scarf I "needed" then looked at the huge shelf of cold remedies.  I'd never heard of any of them, but finally settled on drops that promised so much, like breathing through my nose, sleeping at night without coughing and other fairy tales.  I'd never heard of any of the ingredients, so that seemed like a good sign.  I can't take antihistamines because of my irregular heartbeat, but desperation does strange things.  Nothing on the box SAID antihistamines, and each word had at least 27 letters, which looked professional to me.  So I bought the toxic substance, and took that and my last two tylenol at bedtime.  I'd had a fever of 101 all day, so I was somewhat delirious, and a cough was starting up that was hurting pretty bad.  And I had a good sleep until three in the morning, when the dogs again decided the creature from the black lagoon was in our back yard.  But they quieted after a barking attack at their hallucinations, and I went back to sleep and slept until 7:30.  It was a MIRACLE!

So I took my drops this morning, and felt better on the dog walk.  My husband is coming home today so he can deal with the dogs tonight, and I can whine and complain first hand.  The last few days have been tough, because I could only complain on the phone, due to being in self imposed quarantine.  My poor husband, he should probably stay in hiding at the cabin.

Old Age Day by Day July 30, 2013

Oh, my god, I'm really sick with this cold.  I slept better the first part of last night, but then the dogs went crazy and kept barking on and off for two hours, and I got up three times to let them out, and chilled myself, and feel exhausted and sicker again now.  I've just returned from walking them, and I intend to rest the remainder of the day.  I'm achy and my nose is running like a faucet and I still need Tylenol to survive.  My daughter reminded me that maybe I got something at the baseball game on Saturday, as I came down Sunday morning with this thing, whatever it is.  I suppose my sacrifice for the game is nothing in comparison.  They won, and have been winning ever since. It's a pleasure to read the sports page every morning.  My brain is so groggy I keep skipping between reading three books, all of which are mysteries so not too taxing on the old intellect.  My big treat to myself today is to go get Indian takeout if I'm able at noon.  Let the spices burn through this virus.

Old Age Day by Day July 29, 2013

I had a nice day yesterday with my friend, discussing Buddhism and books we've read.  But by the end of a delicious lunch she had prepared for me, I realized I was sick.  My sore throat from the morning had not dissipated, and a runny nose and achyness had developed.  I had a miserable night, and and in full fledged cold mode, with a slight fever.  My husband went up to the cabin, so I had to walk the dogs today, and I got an ache in my right shoulder.  I'm a mess.

If I feel like it, I'm going to get a bunch of magazines and soup and baby myself.  I'm taking airbourne and drinking liquids, though I'm in the phase where I don't really want to eat or drink anything.  The weather is miserable, so that helps with the staying in.

Oh, well, this too shall pass.

Old Age Day by Day July 27, 2013

We're going to a baseball game today.  I'm looking forward to it.  They won last night and are doing great.  Baseball is summer to me.  Our younger daughter came up with the idea.  She's excellent at organizing us.  And she has recently been raising money for the animal shelter where she volunteers, so I'm proud of her.  Right now the weather is a bit dreary, but I'm sure the sun will shine soon. 

My friend's surgery got canceled, as she has to do more biopsies.  I feel so bad for her, and I know she's scared.  At least before the surgery would have been scheduled and done with by Monday.  Now there is uncertainty and the pain of the biopsies.  I feel helpless.  All I can do is listen.  On top of that a friend of theirs died last week and a cousin was diagnosed with leukemia.  She's going through a difficult time. 

My husband said this morning he was feeling sad as well.  He got a haircut yesterday so I teased him he was missing his hair.  My instant urge is to fix other people's feelings, hopeless task that it is.  My empathy is perhaps too strong for my own good.  But I will pray for those around me and send good thoughts their way.

Old Age Day by Day July 26, 2013

We got a lot of leaves cleaned up yesterday, but not all.  What a mess having all these trees is!  We have nothing but pine needles at the cabin, mountains of them to rake up, and here it's a wider variety of leaves, but still the same work.  It's an enviable problem, because trees are so beautiful and important to our environment, but gee!  Afterward, we had a nice lunch out and then I took my friend to see "The Heat" the female buddy cop movie with Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy.  They are very funny and raunchy, and my friend laughed a lot.  The movie reminds me of the Lethal Weapon movies with Mel Gibson and Danny Glover.  This is not great art, but entertaining, and my friend is having surgery Monday, so she wants to see something light. 

Today I'm going to the post office, then having lunch with the same friend.  I'm grateful she lets me do something for her.  I want to help, but there really is not much I can do. 

Old Age Day by Day July 25, 2013

I saw two lovely small art shows yesterday.  One was new works of Hung Liu, mostly video, and they were interesting.  The second was a surprise:  Annie Leibowitz photos that were meditations on famous Americans from the point of view of their places or items they had owned.  The photos were gorgeous, and powerful.  I usually don't like her much because she is a celebrity photographer, but this show is terrific.  She had items or rooms from people like Eleanor Roosevelt, Emily Dickenson, Louisa May Alcott, Abraham Lincoln, and others.  There was a view of a farm with washing on the line and an orange tree at the site of of the Civil War Gettysburg battle that was haunting.  I wanted to buy a book of the show, but there was none.  So my friend and I had a fun day, eating outside for lunch and just walking around.  It was good to take a baby trip.

Today my husband and I are testing out our new rakes, so hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go.

Old Age Day by Day July 24, 2013

I had a busy day yesterday, and things got accomplished.  It's most gratifying to have new glass on two of the rod iron shelves on the patio.  The plant stands must be 40 or 50 years old, and I love that my parents had them before me, and someone before them.  They still look great and work well, and repurposing is so much more satisfying that buying something new.  We did get new rakes, and are planning to garden tomorrow.  I saw my old gardener next door yesterday, and we said hello.  I'll never know why he was so flaky, it's a mystery, but I can't go backwards and trust him again. 

Today a friend and I are heading to a museum about an hour away, and I'm looking forward to the trip and the show.  But mostly, the time to talk at length with my friend of 25 years.  We especially love to talk books.  She loved "Swerve" as much as I did.  Later this afternoon I may go to a movie with another friend who is facing surgery next Monday.  She wants to see something silly and fun.  I want to be with her and support her.

The weather is glorious, and my spirits are high. 

Old Age Day by Day July 23, 2013

I liked World War Z, it was a fun summer movie with heart, wit, and a pretty plausible plot.  I like Brad Pitt more and more as he matures as an actor.  It kept twisting and turning and surprising.  And we ran into our niece and nephew by my first marriage, and had a great time talking to them afterward.  Then we had beer and salads and went home to feed the dogs.  It was a good escape from my sore jaw from the crown.  Today I'm taking my granddaughter to a movie late afternoon, and will do some yard work beforehand. 

I've begun a new book, a mystery, and can plunk away on that as well.  I need to do some research for it, but that won't happen until the fall at this rate.  But it gives me purpose, and a puzzle to work out.  I love the process of writing, but am hopeless at selling it.

Old Age Day by Day July 22, 2013

Back from the cabin, and I'm actually enjoying the cooler weather here, as it was quite hot up there.  Still, I'd rather be there.  I have my crown put in my mouth this morning, then hopefully, a movie this afternoon.  I feel a bit disoriented, as I always doing going back and forth in the summer.  We had two friends up this weekend, and we got along so well and easily.  They looked at a couple of cabins for sale, but neither was a good bargain or really exciting.  Both had the usual accumulation of junk so that you could barely walk through them.  I had the urge to hire a dump truck and start ripping.  When a piece of furniture or a book gets up to the cabin it gets buried there.  We've spent the last 26 years trying to get rid of the previous owner's junk.  The kind of stuff no one would buy, and no one even wants to be given to them.  Every time we've had work done, a new deck, etc, we've had the workers cart away stuff.  But there is still some junk under part of the cabin, and our bureaus in the bedrooms are the previous owners.  I could paint them or something, but I wouldn't bet on it. 

Off to the dentist, my home away from home.

Old Age Day by Day July 19, 2013

I've been back from the cabin for five days, but it has been a whirlwind since I returned, with taking my granddaughter to puppy training camp, doing errands, appointments, the power going out yesterday for three hours.  I couldn't get the car out of the garage, and took a taxi to an appointment and back.  Then, when the power came back on, the garage door still wouldn't work, I had to call my husband at the cabin and get instructions on how to re-hook up the door so it would open.  When I realized I could call a taxi, I looked in my wallet and had only a dollar, so I speed walked to the bank and back.  But I made the appointment.  Today, I'm getting ready to go to the cabin for the weekend,  as my friend is looking at a cabin to buy up there.  I'll ride up with her and her partner, then ride back Sunday night with my husband.  But even a brief stay requires shopping and gathering together a pair of pants for my husband, picking up his prescription and bringing it.  I've been organizing two households for 26 years.  I know how fortunate I am to have the cabin, but stocking and caring for two places takes a lot of work.  We clean both places, repair, buy what's needed, rake, etc.  But it has been worth it, as the whole family has experienced such joy and pleasure from being in the mountains.  It's one of the best decisions I've ever made to take my Dad's insurance money and buy the cabin.  He's given me a wonderful, spiritual, profound place to retreat to.  Thanks, Dad.

Old Age Day by Day July 7, 2013

My Buddhist teacher gave a dharma talk that was mostly him being silent and looking around at each of us again and again.  It's a delightful lesson in expectation and that the dharma cannot be taught through words but only felt with the heart in a place beyond words.  It's disorienting, even so, because, oh dear, the pressure is on us to do the work.  Our minds and focus are all ours to control, and we're basically not ready for that.  Point taken.

This weekend we spent a lot of time gardening, and then we dragged out two iron plant stands that were my parents', and somehow have survived 27 years, set them up on our patio, filled them with plants, and they look terrific and really cheer up the outside.  One is filled with geraniums, since we are basically the black thumbs of Kolcut, and the other has succulents and roses and geraniums.  The color of the geraniums really punches up the place.  It's mighty gratifying.

We hit Trader Joe's after lunch, because I'm going up to the cabin tomorrow for a week, for a little private retreat.  I haven't done it in years, and I'm really looking forward to being alone, writing, and just relaxing.  I also have mysteries I bought yesterday, just in case.  I even have a new bathing suit, bought Friday with my daughter.  I'm all set!

Old Age Day by Day July 6, 2013

When I was a kid, I found in the library Alexandre Dumas.  I adored "The Count of Monte Cristo" and "The Man in the Iron Mask" as well as "The Three Muskateers".  I loved the melodrama, the preoccupation with justice and moral integrity and the the romance.  But maybe the fact that these stories were set in France, at the time of "Tale of Two Cities" was a factor.  I went on to take Latin and French in high school.  Ultimately, I adored Victor Hugo, and "Les Miserables" and "The Hunchback of Notre Dame".  There were comic books of all these tales as well, and I read and reread them all.  I tried Tolstoy, but he was too adult for my proclivities at the time, so with his books I skipped the war parts and tried to winnow out the romances.  But it was also France.  Russia wasn't France, though the aristocrats tried to be in that era.  I liked the misfits, outsiders and rejects of Hugo and Dumas.  The fact that Dumas was biracial gave him a particular sensitivity to the unseen masses, and Hugo understood poverty like no one but Dickens. 

Last night we watched a film of "The Count of Monte Cristo", and I found it just about perfect for stirring the blood, and then cleansing it of revenge and bitterness and greed.  Dumas' characters are deeply human, and they are redeemed when they understand that the world of black and white is false, and are forced to live with the dark side of themselves instead of just condemning it in others.  Their compassion must be aroused by their own transgressions.  And, of course, a few villains have to be punished, as God intended, which is gratifying for the reader. 

I have, supposedly, grown up, but I continue to find these authors great.  Great because they take us through the adolescent passions and obsessions, and out the other side into adulthood.  And since we all have our regressions, it's good to be reminded of how peace in the mind is won, not by detachment, but by struggle and engagement.

Old Age Day by Day July 5m 2013

I'm beginning to feel like we live in the Bermuda Triangle, more or less.  Last night at 2:30 am, two huge fire trucks and about twenty police pulled up outside our house.  My husband went outside to see what was happening, us both thinking a firework had set fire to the garage, or yet another person had had a car wreck in our territory.  No, it turned out a person up the street had called in that his wife was missing, and the police were searching everywhere for her.  She was said to be very drunk.  They found her asleep on the dirt under our trees next to our garage.  She was taken away by ambulance, and after half an hour the majority of our city's task force departed.  I could not get back to sleep, and tears rolled down my face for the next four hours.  Maybe it was the image of her, the thought of the distress in the family, the contrast between celebrating the 4th and private sorrow.  I don't know.  I feel pretty wiped this morning and as if our house is a magnet for grief.  I think of my mother's drinking and the agony it caused all of us.  I think of her pain that caused the drinking, and wish she'd had a chance to get help. 

Old Age Day by Day July 1, 2013

Good lord, it's July.  Time is speeding right up.  We had a good time at the baseball game yesterday, and our team won, with lots of backwards and forwards and good catches and bad.  It was exciting every minute of the game.  Then we had a nice dinner on the patio with pizza and salads and key lime pie.  The weather had been hot at the game, so the cooler evening air felt terrific.

I'm up to the cabin for three days, and looking forward to it.  It's somehow so hard to get away, even though neither of us has a job or much responsibilities.  How is that?  I'm ready for the lake, the mosquitoes, the sunburn, the iced tea, the reading on the deck.