Old Age Day by Day September 30, 2013

It's our dogs' birthdays today.  They are nine.  Labs don't have long lives, so we're having birthday biscuits and bought them new toys.  Every moment they are with us is precious.  My husband gave them the biggest treat:  a trip to the cabin.  They love it up there, and get to be off leash more. 

It rained last night for a short time, and is overcast, humid and damp today.  We don't get enough rain to complain.  With us, it's a blessing.  But I think of my friends in Colorado.  They had a tough time.

Everything is relative.  Nine doesn't sound old.  Rain sounds benign.  Each and every event has a multitude of reactions and effects.  My point of view is just that.  I speak for no one else, and my listening skills are of paramount importance.

I'm making lasagne tonight.  Just thinking about it makes me happy.  I made pumpkin bread for the study group and that turned out great.  I seem to be getting back into the domestic thing.  Maybe it's Fall, the chill in the air, the sense of holidays around the corner.  I already have Halloween earrings from my friend.  It's time to put out some decorations, perhaps.

Old Age Day by Day September 29, 2013

I had a long phone conversation with my best friend last night.  It felt great, and I went to bed tired and happy, but woke up early morning with my right side hurting.  I finally got up and took tylenol, and went back to sleep for a little while.  But I'm torn right now about going to meditation or staying home.  I haven't seen my teacher there in a while, and it would probably be a good idea to drag myself there and rest later. 

I saw "Museum Hours" by myself yesterday.  It was recommended by a friend.  I loved the idea of it, the conceptual part, and also seeing the art, but it was slow and draggy as well.  It was a different use of film, and I respect that.  I'll have to mull over this little movie and see how much resounance there is. 

I'm supposed to go to a movie this afternoon, but I'll have to see how I feel.  I'll see how the day unfolds.

Old Age Day by Day September 28, 2013

I've just finished saying goodbye to people in my study group.  As usual, it was supportive and helpful.  We've been practicing together for twenty years or more, so we trust each other and have shared all our fears and hopes.  We know each other's history.  We've made a safe place for ourselves.  Our teacher is struggling with age related issues, and now we support her in the way she used to support us.  As she says, sometimes she is the teacher, sometimes we are the teacher.

My husband went up to the cabin this morning, so I have the weekend to myself.  I have some shopping to do and a movie I want to see, and I'll talk to some friends on the phone.  It's beautiful weather.  I hope he has good weather at the cabin.  We need some time apart, as we are both retired, and the cabin makes it easy for us to get some space.  We're lucky.

Old Age Day by Day September 27, 2013

I'm making pumpkin bread for my study group tomorrow.  I haven't baked in so long.  I hope it turns out good.  I haven't seen my group all summer, and I've missed them.  We are a small band of Buddhists, and it's been a struggle to stay connected, as our teacher lives 3 hours away, and we all have busy lives and complicated schedules.  I appreciate the dedication and effort everyone makes.

I began reading a biography of Edward Curtis, the photographer.  It's fascinating already.  I hadn't realized he'd begun his work in Seattle.  I think my friend in Tacoma would like to read this book.  Today I'm going out to dinner and a movie with a friend, and I'm ready for an outing.  I was bored and restless yesterday afternoon.  And grumpy all day.  My poor husband took the brunt of my irritation.  The fact that the dogs have awakened us at least twice every night this week didn't help any.  Last night they were silent.  I think they figured out we were at the end of our tether.  It was liking having a nursing baby again.  I'm too old!

Old Age Day by Day September 26, 2013

Last night we watched John Ford's "The Searchers".  It's a strange, not totally successful movie, based on a real incident in Texas, where a child was abducted by Commanches, and later recovered.  It has John Wayne as the uncle searching for his niece, and he's racist and bitter.  There is not a lot of background and historically it is inaccurate, but it does bring up important points:  is girl, now "sullied" only fit to be killed as her uncle thinks, or should be be saved and valued?  Is a child responsible for her own abduction and rape?  We are still grappling with this issue.  Do we blame and devalue the victim, for surviving? 

I prefer "Stalking of the Moon" and "Unforgiven", the former with Gregory Peck and Eva Marie Saint, and the later with Burt Lancaster and Audrey Hepburn, but there is something in Ford's movie that is even stickier than in those two.  John Wayne relents in the end, but what will happen to the girl is unknown.  In "Unforgiven" we know they will have to leave and seek out a new place, hiding from the fact of the girl being Indian.  Only in "Stalking" can they live out their lives, partially because they are so isolated, and also because they have killed everyone who knows or cares.  These scenarios were real, and with all kinds of outcomes.  Some captives wanted to stay with their Indian families, some were treated like whores if they tried to live in the white world again, and an Indian girl living with a white man was in danger.  Yet there were thousands of mixed bloods from these willing or unwilling unions.  I recommend all three of these movies.

Old Age Day by Day September 25, 2013

This date is the anniversary of the day my father died.  It was almost thirty years ago, but I miss him still.  A few years later my husband's mother died on this date.  But what a difference.  My dad was involved passionately with us right up until the end.  My husband's mother, under the cloud of depression, had withdrawn and been uncommunicative for many years.  My father died at home, as he wished, with his two children around, and his beloved grandchildren seeing him right before.  I was not with him when he last breathed, but was beside him soon after and held his hand for hours before he was taken away and cremated.  I had said everything that needed to be said, as had he.  I knew the memorial service was as he wished, because he planned it himself, and asked his friend to speak at the service.  I knew what he wanted done with his ashes.  The will was crystal clear.  He had organized his papers, and thrown out what he didn't want saved or read.  He tried to make as little trouble for us as possible.  That still touches me.  I hope he knows he put his four grandchildren through college, and helps with their lives to this day.  He's given me a chance to travel, and be generous with family and friends, and feel secure, and live in a nice neighborhood in a great house.  He was a patriarch, which has it's bad and good sides.  He thought he knew what was best for everyone, and had vocal opinions.  I learned to decide for myself what was good for me and to never assume I knew what was best for my kids.  He could change, and late in life wanted to know what had hurt me.  I adore him for that bravery.  I never doubted for a minute that he loved me and wished me happiness.  He gave me security and joy.  He's in my heart forever.

Old Age Day by Day September 24, 2013

So, the tooth found in my pizza is not mine, and when I took it to the pizza place, they never called back.  I will not be ordering any more of their pizza.  I'm not sure I could have anyway, as twice my veneer on a front tooth came off while eating their product.  There is a sort of "cursed" aura to the place in my mind, and I will not be risking it.  But how weird is truth?  That I could lose the veneer twice, then about six months later FIND a tooth, not mine, in the pizza?!  I can hardly believe it myself.

The good news is I am done with the dentist until my next cleaning.  All up to date, gums planed, teeth filled, and I have a new mouth guard.  No more grinding my teeth at night.  This old age thing tends to make one very selfconscious about the mouth.  I never thought about my teeth one way or the other, but now, it's a daily enterprise that involves sonicare, waterpik, tooth picks for my gums, a mouth guard.  Why, I could spend all day focusing on my teeth.  Is it any wonder we get boring as we get older?

Today is another lovely fall day.  I did get a walk in yesterday, and bought myself a red sun hat and three pair of socks.  Today I'm going to wander somewhere else.  And probably I'll be walking the dogs, as my husband got up with them twice last night.  Our male dog is eating something that disagrees with his stomach:  acorns, mushrooms, who knows?  So they bark and bark until we get up and let them outside.  There is nothing that dog won't try to eat. 

Old Age Day by Day September 23, 2013

Today I go to the dentist.  I'm hoping this is the last time for a while, but not optimistic.  I'm expecting pain.  I hope the rest of my day is better, and not too much soreness this afternoon.  I am prepared to suffer, and I have some experience with it. 

It's beautiful out, and it makes perfect sense to be in a dentist's office.  One cannot plan these things well, it's true, but it seems particularly dumb to be inside all morning.  Oh, well.  I've got to concentrate on this afternoon, and take a walk and maybe browse in a bookstore, one of my favorite occupations.  I like the surprise of finding a book I didn't know existed, about a subject I hadn't realized I'd really like to know more.

I'm also going to write to friends in Colorado, to make sure their houses are all okay, and they are not too affected by the floods.  We only write at the holidays, so I don't even know their email addresses.

Old Age Day by Day September 22, 2013

Today the A's cinched the Division title for the West.  It's very gratifying.  And it's our older son's wedding anniversary, and he and his wife are huge A's fans.  It's also beautiful, sunny and the perfect start of the Fall season.  We took the dogs to a fundraiser for the humane society, as our daughter volunteers there.  We bought doggie bandanas, raffle tickets, ice cream and tee shirts.  We saw every kind of dog imaginable.  Our dogs were great, and had a lot of attention as well as one man taking multiple photos of them.  Of course, the urge is to adopt every single dog there, but we resisted.  I hope they made a lot of money, as they need to build a new shelter. 

I went to meditation this morning and saw my friend there.  I'm afraid I gave her the flu I had, but at the time I had no idea I was sick.  She had it for 3 1/2 weeks, so I feel guilty.  I don't usually get sick, but given the stress I was under, it's not too surprising.  I'm trying to take better care of myself now. 

Old Age Day by Day September 21, 2013

As I began writing, a downpour came down from the sky.  It's a nice, heavy rain, which we really needed to clean up the leaves and plants and give our earth a thirsty drink.  It feels great.  However, it might mean the A's game is delayed, and we're all hoping they clinch the division at home.  And our dogs, who were headed out for a long walk at the reservoir, may have to wait for their exercise.  But, all in all, it's a happy occasion when rain begins, after many months of dryness and fires and increasing struggles of our plants.

So this is Fall to us.  Rain again.  And lo and behold, we have new gutters, and a new roof, and feel pretty snug and secure.  Now, the question is, what to do?  There are not really any movies out yet that I want to see.  But I am reading a book my younger son recommended, "Carter Beats the Devil", which is gripping and delightful in a Chabon, Doctorow kind of way.  And it's set right here, though back in the twenties.  I might attempt to call my grandchildren, as they are supposed to be around this weekend.  Cleaning the house is always needed, but who wants to do that?  All will reveal itself in time.

Old Age Day by Day September 20, 2013

I just came back from a nice walk with a friend.  We talked art for the first part of the time, and as she is the one who raved about "The Impressionists on the Water", I happily shared my enthusiasm.  We usually talk art, politics and catch up about our families and friends.  I'm so grateful for such friends.

I'm getting my hair cut today.  I'm back and forth, and will be until the last minute, about whether to cut it a little or a lot.  I like being able to pull it back and up, but it looks horrible down.  I may have to shorten it, as I'm reminding myself of witches and Halloween every time I look in the mirror.  I wish I was better about getting my hair tame, but it's hopeless.  I'll let my haircutter decide, no doubt.  She's been with me through long and short.

I finished a fascinating book about Alex Dumas, the real Count of Monte Cristo.  Alexandre Dumas, his son, based a lot of his tales on experiences of his father, a black general who was a count because of his father, who lived with his mother, a slave, in what is now the Dominican Republic.  In France, his father was a legend militarily, and rose to command armies and campaigns, but was on the wrong side of Napoleon, and ended up losing his health at a young age, being held captive in what is now Italy.  The parallels between his father and the suffering of the Count of Monte Cristo are close, and maybe partially explain the passion with which the writer told his tales.  As a kid I adored "The Count of Monte Cristo", "The Man in the Iron Mask" and "The Three Muskateers".  I was a romantic, and the French were my cup of tea.  I only loved Victor Hugo's novels better.  I should reread them, but so far I've only reread "Les Miserables".  It has absolute greatness.  But "The Count" is a very guilty pleasure, and I'm sure I'd enjoy it again.  It was interesting to discover that right before the French Revolution, France was the least racist place on the planet, and people of color, as they were called, had many rights and rose to distinguished heights.  Napoleon killed all that, but for a brief time people like the Dumas family were free to be full citizens.  Yet, as the book says, there is still no statue of Dumas the father, though every other general in French history has one somewhere in Paris.

Old Age Day by Day September 19, 2013

Today and tomorrow I have lunches out for my birthday, so this celebrating thing is stretching out nicely.  The weather is great and I'm cheerful enough about getting older.  Evidently the Google founders are becoming nervous about their own aging, as they've formed a group to do research and perhaps save them from the horrors the rest of us mortals face.  Perhaps I'm being too cynical, but it must be a shock to have all the money in the world and still not be in control.  Steve Jobs being a case in point.  They're like Siddhartha, insulated for a time through wealth and privaledge, then realizing that life is not static, and and what is created is also destroyed, or transformed at least.

I had a nice long talk with my best friend last night, catching up on recent events, sharing feelings and just generally having fun.  She had been on a trip, and I had right before, so we had some describing to do.  It always feels better to me after I've "checked in" with her.  So good to have a swim buddy in this sea of life.

Old Age Day by Day September 18, 2013

I've just finished filling out a form online for a colonoscopy appointment.  I've spent at least twenty minutes a day for five days, but finally I somehow got the passwords and codes right.  What a headache!  I know it saves them typing stuff in, but good grief!  I actually think I need to take an aspirin.  The joys of being computer illiterate and aged, so I need all these tests. 

I had a nice walk with the dogs as I ran into my friend and her granddaughter.  They were off to dance class.

Yesterday's museum visit was great.  The paintings were sublime, especially one of Monet's of a houseboat, and one of Vuillard's of a boatman.  But there was a Manet, lots of Monet, a Bonnard, Signacs, Seurats, Renoirs and other delicious paintings.  There were three huge Caillebottes, and they were gorgeous.  My friend and I had a delightful time, and I came home with two puzzles for my husband, a book on late Bonnard, and lovely notecards.  What a pleasant outing!  My husband was so impressed he' off by himself in the city to the the show, as it ends next week.  I feel he will happy he made the effort to see the show.

Old Age Day by Day September 17, 2013

Today I'm taking a friend to see an art show in the city.  I've been meaning to get to the show before, and it's nearing the end at this point.  To do this I must face traffic and probably commute clog returning, so it becomes an all day outing.  I haven't seen this friend in quite a while, so the trip will be good from that point of view. 

I printed out a bunch of new photos of our granddaughter yesterday.  I miss her so much, and she's growing so fast.  It was adorable to see how her face expresses her feelings so well.  It was kindergarten week, and there was trepidation, joy, worry, pride, the whole gamut.  She had on carefully picked out necklaces and bracelets, in her snowy white socks and little dresses.  How brave we have to be as we grow up.  Her little life is as complex and demanding as any adults', and yet people talk up kindergarten as if it's all sunshine and flowers.  It's more, much more, and for a while we are overwhelmed, then we carve our way into that new life, and make our place in it.  But it isn't easy, it's never easy.

Old Age Day by Day September 16, 2013

I watched the DVD of Terence Malick's "To the Wonder" last night.  Yes, it is silly and ridiculous, and Ben Affleck has no acting to do, but it is riveting, in a Malick way.  I flipped back and forth, thinking I knew what he was saying and feeling I had no idea.  Nothing is helped by Kureschenko being fairylike and twirling around like a four year old.  I believe the narration guides the viewer to believe this is a simulation of the turbulence and transitory nature of love.  But there are threads of story, never developed, never dropped, that play with us, and I don't mean in a good way.  It will be interesting to see what Malick come up with next:  probably a soundtrack without film to be played before a film without sound.

Anyway, he's always pretty fascinating, stretching the limits of what a film can do, and failing and succeeding in about equal parts.  His world view, however, is insistently compelling.

Today I'm off to get vacuum cleaner bags, and to the post office.  Will there be bigger thrills in store?  I doubt it.

Old Age Day by Day September 15, 2013

I had a quiet day yesterday.  I'm feeling better each day from my cold/sinus/allergy thing.  I watched Gone With the Wind last night, and despite the racism, bias and skewered romanticism, the acting still shines.  Vivian Leigh, Hattie MacDaniel and Olivia de Haviland are powerful and brilliant.  They are the whole show.  If Scarlett had been able to have any kind of power in that culture, she wouldn't have become the self deceiving person she is.  She represents women forced to compete between themselves and accommodating men at every turn.  I'm not so sure how far we've come, when in today's paper is an article on a tech convention where the few women present have to turn the other way when presentations are blatantly sexist. 

Scarlet is one of three sisters, each desperate to marry and believing that marriage will solve their problems.  Scarlet becomes the only fully alive and interesting sister because she does a man's work and lives a man's life.  Now, Melanie is the "good" woman, but not because she sells herself, she doesn't have to as she marries the man she loves and they share values, but because she is a rebel herself, breaking the bonds of Southern society to value the truly good people, rather than the people with the right blood petigree.  She sees Scarlet for who she is, and gets to live a little more through vicariously experiencing Scarlett's fierceness and fearlessness.

I always remember Scarlett at the end, is probably still in her twenties, and her life is hardly over.  Rhett, in the end, is a man who takes what he wants, by force at times, and I think she will be able to find a man less timid than Ashley, but more liberated than Rhett.  If not, she now knows she does not need a man at all.

Old Age Day by Day September 14, 2013

I was so sick last night I agreed to watch the last film of Lord of the Rings, though with a caveat that we fast forward the parts where Frodo and Sam are slogging up the mountain.  And we fast forwarded through some of the 7 endings.  Good lord, I'm exhausted when we get to the end.  I like Legolas and the the beasties and the music.  It's an amazing film, but interminable.  All the battling is so manly, I'm just not made of the right material for Lord of the Rings.

This morning I picked up our two bags of mail from the week we were away, since they neglected to restart the mail delivery yesterday.  The bags weighed about 20 pounds and it was mostly junk.  But I was happy to receive birthday cards and a few catalogs I like to peruse.  What a waste of trees!

My husband is going up to the cabin to check on things.  I'm holding down the fort and the dogs.  I think my cold is a bit better today.  Resting is the ticket, I guess.

I'm going to call a few friends and organize a bit at home. 

Old Age Day by Day September 13, 2013

We're back.  It took us longer to get home from the airport than it did to fly from Canada here.  I came back with a cold that had me sneezing and blowing my nose constantly the last 3 days.  I hope it's more allergy and will calm down soon.  It was great to be away and it's even greater to be home.  And while we were away so much happened:  our granddaughter began kindergarten, yesterday our daughter had her first chemo, and a friend was in town. 

We'll get the dogs this morning, and all will be back to normal. 

I'm so grateful for the opportunity to see a new place and get a sense of a different culture.  The Canadians are super friendly and helpful and kind.  I was so impressed.  The First Nations art was fabulous.  The woods and scenery lovely.  The contrast with the natural landscape and the skyscrapers was disconcerting, but we liked it a little more each day, and the food was amazing.  It was a terrific destination, and our hotel room was great, so we could rest up in the afternoons or swim if we wanted. 

And our birthdays are over, so getting elderlyer was painless!

Old Age Day by Day September 4, 2013

I believe my husband had a nice birthday day.  We had lunch out and saw "The Butler", and he enjoyed that.  I made a nice dinner, and friends had given us a bottle of champagne so we had some of that.  His sister called, and our oldest son.  One out of four ain't bad.  I served him breakfast in bed, so he started off the day right.  We're both excited about our trip, and that makes the birthdays this year extra special.

Today I see my foster granddaughter and will get a glimpse of her puppy, currently called Lucy.  Her mother said my granddaughter's younger sister learned the words "dog" and "no" over the weekend.  So I think they're all having fun.

The fog has lifted and I'll soon be walking the dogs, and figuring out last minute details before we leave.  I'm grateful for this trip and my life and my kids and friends.  I'm a lucky gal.

Oh, and the fire is 75% contained.  That's really good news.

Old Age Day by Day September 3, 2013

Today is my husband's birthday.  I managed to make him breakfast in bed, but forgot a card from the dogs, as is our tradition.  We'd agreed to get something on our trip rather than now, but I'm so distracted these days, that I'm not tying up loose ends.  I actually agreed to have lunch with my friend today, forgetting what day it was, so I'll have to cancel.  I'm going to take my husband to see "The Butler" as he wants to see that film.  A million things are going through my head as we get ready for our trip.  And I'm worried about my daughter and my friend, as well as the fire.  I'm not at my sharpest.

Today is beautiful, and the perfect temperature.  I'll probably walk the dogs then figure out a new place to take my husband for lunch.  I feel like I've been with this man my whole life, and it has been 42 years.  A huge complicated history together.  Four children we raised, and saw graduate and some get married and one have a child.  And his birthday has always been on the same date as my parents' wedding anniversary.  They were married over forty years, and have been gone for almost 30 years.  A lot of connections on this day.

Old Age Day by Day September 2, 2013

We had a terrific time at the baseball game yesterday.  Our team won, and the Breast Cancer Awareness Day events were touching.  There were over 400 breast cancer survivors there, making a giant pink ribbon on the field before the game.  I was teary.

Today I looked at my email and a dear friend has bought a house here and is moving back, and I am so excited.  It will be wonderful to have her close again.  And her house closes on the 10th, so pretty soon.  I'm proud we've kept up our relationship long distance, and through the death of her husband, our dear friend as well, and she is, as she says, coming home.

We watched an interesting movie last night, "What Maisie Knew".  I thought it was beautiful and thought-provoking, as was the Henry James book it was based on.  But this film updated to reflect narcissistic parents of a child at risk of neglect, and the people who come to love her.  The child in it is amazing.

Old Age Day by Day September 1, 2013

Here it is - September.  We're going to a baseball game today.  It's Breast Cancer Awareness Day.  Our thoughts are going to be with our older daughter.  It's a perfect, sunny day, and I'm making sandwiches to take for everyone. 

We could hear the football game last night and were encouraged by the cannons (when there is a touchdown) but they lost in the end, but put up a good fight until the 4th quarter.  Ever heard of following a football game by booms?  That's what I do.

I finished the Louise Penny book last night, and it was terrific.  A real page turner; I couldn't put it down.  She's a beautiful, mature writer with a lot of wisdom and complexity.  Now I'm reading a best seller - "The English Girl" by Daniel Silva.  It seems very readable. 

I hope September brings the beginning of complete recovery for our daughter, a containment of the fire and saving of our cabin and a good birthday week for my husband and I away.  We're all packed and getting ready to go.