Old Age Day by Day August 12, 2010

So. I have a sore mouth, sore cheekbone, sore spot on the other cheek, sore left shoulder and sore left leg. Maybe it wasn't the most brilliant idea to do all these biopsies and tests so close together. Of course, I didn't factor in falling while hiking, which was the coup de grace. A little unexpectedness should always be expected. Thank goodness for Tylenol and Odwalla shakes and the modern comforts. I can only have soft cold foods, and it's dreary out and all I can think of is hot tea and soup. The mind doesn't like to be deprived of its obsessions.

Today a friend is picking me up to go to a museum, and it's a good day to be indoors, looking at beautiful art. Then another friend is bringing her grandson to see the dogs, and all in all, I am surrounded by dear friends who make it impossible to be glum. Yesterday I had lunch with one friend and another took me for the oral surgery and wisked me through the grocery store afterwards for liquid meals. I have an abundance of support, and try to give back support for all of them. It's the fruit of long relationships. We know each other well, have had our disagreements and moods and are comfortable enough with all the little foibles and quirks to delight in them. Old age means long histories and proven devotion, and I wouldn't trade it for all the youth in China.

Old Age Day by Day August 11, 2010

I'm reading a book about Quanah Parker, the Commanche chief who was half white and became a legend. The Commanches are a very unusual tribe, and were the premier warriors on horseback. The account reminds me of the culture clash that occurred between a people believing in property and home, and a people on the move their whole lives, who reveled in combat. They were not unlike the guy in the movie Hurt Locker, who cannot settle and adjust to civilian life. He wants the rush of the dangerous and unexpected. I had not realized, until I read this book, how many Cherokees were in Texas, and especially in the Hill Country. They were pretty assimilated, so the Commanches and Cherokees had nothing much in common, yet when the Texas Rangers killed Indians, they killed indescriminately. Peaceful Indians were slaughtered for raids the Commanches had instigated.

When people are labeled, these tragedies occur. This misunderstanding is occurring right now about the Mosque near Ground Zero in New York. It takes effort and time to see individuals and groups with particular characteristics, instead of wanting to get rid of "Indians" or "Muslims" or some other nebulous group undefined. The Commanches were dangerous and fought to the death for their territory, but a lot of innocent Indians got in the way of blind vengance, and there was no moral right that the Texas Rangers held. They fought as dirty as the Commanches, and killed anyone they could label Indian, including women and children.

Our country has this bloody past and this present danger: simplify the problem and wipe out everyone you label other. If we move in this direction again, we will lose our moral high ground, and be just savages among savages.

Old Age Day by Day August 10, 2010

Yesterday I fell while hiking with my family. Just on soft dirt, after five miles of boulders and gravel and more dangerous terrain. I hit my left cheekbone and my left leg to the side of the knee. I was dizzy and nauseated, and just sat there for a minute. A nice lady who was an EMT came over from her dock and brought me water and a wet paper towel. The water helped, the dizziness and nausea abated, and I was able to walk the rest of the way back okay, where I lay out on the deck in the chaise lounge and iced the cheek and leg. The surprise of it was, as always, such a lesson. Things change. When I'm tired I don't pay enough attention. Nothing is really predicable, including the next moment.

I was so lucky. I didn't break a kneecap, or knock my teeth out. I felt calm, and patiently waited to see if I would feel better, could walk, was going to need medical help. Time slows down, but also, the body is protected by the shock of it all. My body said, whoa, you're dizzy, nauseated, you must stop and pay attention to this. No soldiering on singing manly songs. My body told me when I could get up, and that I could walk. It said it hurt, but it forgave me.

So I'm sore today, but was able to walk the dogs. Maybe no exercise video today. And I think of all the people who've had a similar distracted moment and fallen and it required the emergency room or surgery. Luck. I'm of an age for careful stepping. And I mean that literally and figuratively.

Old Age Day by Day August 6, 2010

Well, well, well. Three women on the Supreme Court. Will wonders never cease. There was a time when I expected more. Now I'm happy with gestures. Maybe I will not live to see a woman President or even Vice President, but I saw a Speaker of the House with lipstick, and that ain't hay.

I come from a line of matriarchal women on my mother's side. The U.S. Government refused to negotiate treaties with tribes led by women, and changed the cultural nature of Indians for a while, until people like Wilma Mankiller. The U.S. Government is mighty resistent to anything but men, more so than many other Western countries. Our country is terrified of the power of women, maybe partially because in the not so distant past they saw other cultures functioning with women as shamans and chiefs. They refused to speak with those women. They refused to listen. In their own homes I assume the pattern was the same.

But this is a short history of this country as the United States of America. For 10,000 years before that, various tribes heard women's voices and honored them. I hope the preponderance of history wills out. I'm proud of what came before. Came before 1776.

Old Age Day by Day August 5, 2010

Today is the anniversary of the death of my best friend in our twenties. She was 29 when she killed herself. I was thirty. So thirty five years ago. What a loss for me, her two kids, her family. Soon after her death her mother died, then her father had a heart attack and died. Only her older brother is alive, if he still is. And those kids, now around forty. I used to talk to her in the car after she died. I was very angry. I blamed myself for not doing more. I blamed her husband. I blamed her family. I wrote a novel about it. I had therapy. I tried to keep up with her kids until they moved back to the northeast and disappeared.

A friend at the time told me, "What makes you think you have the power to save someone else?" It was a good question. I now realize I'd been made to believe I had that power from my family, for whom I was the caretaker. At the time, I felt survivor's guilt, and like I'd been thrown into an alternate universe. A very strange one, where my dear friend had somehow been lost and I was alone.

I've lived every day since with a kind of gratitude that I was stronger or luckier or better supported, and I survived. As Buddhism reminds us, I AM MY OWN PROTECTOR. I've treasured my own life, and sometimes shared it with my friend, in the car, when I'm alone. Long gone, but not forgotten.

Old Age Day by Day August 4, 2010

I went with my Buddhist "swim buddy" to a talk by Juseph Goldstein last night. It was well worth the effort, as he speaks so clearly and lucidly, and has such a gentle aura about him. I saw a lot of friends as well. A dharma talk is grounding. It reminds me of my path, which is comforting. He used an example of looking at the night sky, and identifying the Big Dipper, then looking and attempting to see the stars without that mental construct placed upon the sky. We "see" what we expect to see, but seeing things just as they are requires laying aside appearances and opening our eyes as if for the first time. I find the image lovely, simple and understandable. Without the press of everything we've been conditioned to expect, a whole new world is visible. We get little glimpses of this daily, but we often ignore that "suchness" and build a story around our experiences that actually works against us, prohibiting us from seeing what is so.

I know when I can drop my expectations, immediately I feel freed from my own limitations, and able to see the interconnectedness of all of us. This is why I practice meditation, and the benefit for me. But a little reminder of why I do what I do never hurts, and last night placed me in the center of my own intention. Oh, right, this stuff really works.

Old Age Day by Day August 3, 2010

We had a relaxing time at the cabin, and on the way back bought two beds to be delivered next Saturday, which forces us to return next weekend (awww, isn't that tough?). The dogs love swimming in the lake after tennis balls, and their retrieving is improving. Of course, I am the backup retriever for the retrievers, and my husband is the pitcher. For me, it's a good excuse to wade into the lake, and a peaceful ritual we did every morning. It's perfect summer up there, and I don't know what to call the weather here - perfect global warming?

I've talked to my granddaughter this morning and also to blue baby and white baby. My daughter says pink baby has a name - Fabian. This granddaughter is in a class by herself. We discussed boats and swimming and their upcoming trip here in September. I missed a chance to go up their next week and help out. I already have oral surgery and on the weekend am caring for my foster granddaughter while her mom goes overnight to a wedding.

My life is filled with little tasks and comforting rituals punctuated with visits and small trips to the cabin. I'm glad there is little drama going on. I feel I had enough of that growing up and in my twenties to last a lifetime. The calm times are what gives me strength for upheavals, and keep me grounded about what moments are made up of and how to treasure them.