I haven't walked the dogs - it's raining - and it's so gloomy in my study that I turned on all the lights and put on a Magnetic Fields CD. They always cheer me up, but I don't know about the dogs; they seem unresponsive. After a long history of playing classical music when I leave them, they do not seem to have developed any musical discrimination whatsoever. Mozart or Joni Mitchell, it's all the same to them. I have a busy day, and it's interesting to notice how I get irritated when I can't do my schedule exactly as planned. I can't walk the dogs at 8:30 am today, so it will have to be much later, as I am sewing with a friend at her house at 9:30. Changes. Even the little ones disturb, and yet, my life is made up of changes, mostly small adjustments unnoticable to others, book marked by huge shifts that get all the attention.
I'd like to say I've evolved to the point where gratitude comes up instantly as a counter to irritation, but it doesn't. I notice how petty my pathetic concerns are, and sometimes can laugh at myself, but a sudden nobility of nature has not overtaken my boring, basic patterns as of yet.
Patience. Gratitude, when it comes is welcome. Humor saves the day. And then the rain and the change of schedule - piece of cake! I'm reminded of the signs seen frequently in India - DEVIATION AHEAD. I'm on that road, but I can still enjoy the view, and my common humanity with others on a path, but with hairline detours that the mind makes, before she continues on down the road.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Old Age Day by Day December 7, 2010
I had breakfast out with a friend, and it felt luxurious and festive. She bought a lipstick, I bought some moisterizer, we oohed and aahed over things in Anthropologie, and now, in a few minutes I have to go have a temporary crown put it my mouth. The good, the bad and the ugly. Oh, well. Tonight I am making meatballs and spaghetti, and I do love the meal, ever since Lady and the Tramp. I'm not much for pasta, but spaghetti is an exception. Watching my granddaughter eat it with both hands has reminded me of the deleriously delightful worminess of spaghetti, and the spongy springiness of meatballs. Add salad and garlic bread - I rest my case.
But if I lose this temporary crown in this busy month of December, I am going to be very, very angry. The dental technician talked me into this, it is not really necessary this moment - but yes, the old crown is a mess, and she forced me to be reasonable. I hate that. I don't want to get my blood test for my thyroid either, because I just want to not think about my health for a while. A little break. Pick up the threads in January. But I'll probably break down and get the test, too, because it's reasonable as well. I just hate being reasonable.
But if I lose this temporary crown in this busy month of December, I am going to be very, very angry. The dental technician talked me into this, it is not really necessary this moment - but yes, the old crown is a mess, and she forced me to be reasonable. I hate that. I don't want to get my blood test for my thyroid either, because I just want to not think about my health for a while. A little break. Pick up the threads in January. But I'll probably break down and get the test, too, because it's reasonable as well. I just hate being reasonable.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Old Age Day by Day December 6, 2010
I saw the movie Fair Game on Saturday, by myself, and was disappointed. I was clearer afterward about Valerie Plame and what the events were that caused her outing by Karl Rove and others, but there was something about the whole movie that left a bad taste in my mouth. The fact that she offered herself up to the CIA out of college and wasn't even recruited, the knowledge she had young children and they seemed shuffled around without being anyone's first priority, the righteousness of her husband, her fear of retaliation, all seemed disturbing and slightly inauthentic. Her fear for informants and people in the field was the most moving part of the movie. I don't know if I'd recommend this movie. It seems like reading an extensive book about it would be more informative and maybe even more illuminating. The movie tries too hard to be All The President's Men, and somehow it isn't as persuasive.
But perhaps I am callous about all the breaches of ethics in the Bush administration at this time. There were so many, and they all add up to lying to the American people and the world in order to carry out actions for reasons other than those stated. So this movie, a kind of defense of the CIA, rings hollow, at least to me. I don't think anyone was on the people's side, and especially not the CIA.
And - news flash - many of us knew at the time that none of the stated reasons for going into Iraq were persuasive. We knew there was not enough evidence from enough sources to take such an action. We marched. We wrote letters to our congresspeople. So this is not a shocker to a lot of people who will go to this movie; the skeptical kind of viewer who already knows that happened, at least the big picture. The people who might benefit from seeing it will not go. And maybe that is for the best, as I can't imagine this movie changing anybody's mind about anything. But Naomi Watts sure is cute.
But perhaps I am callous about all the breaches of ethics in the Bush administration at this time. There were so many, and they all add up to lying to the American people and the world in order to carry out actions for reasons other than those stated. So this movie, a kind of defense of the CIA, rings hollow, at least to me. I don't think anyone was on the people's side, and especially not the CIA.
And - news flash - many of us knew at the time that none of the stated reasons for going into Iraq were persuasive. We knew there was not enough evidence from enough sources to take such an action. We marched. We wrote letters to our congresspeople. So this is not a shocker to a lot of people who will go to this movie; the skeptical kind of viewer who already knows that happened, at least the big picture. The people who might benefit from seeing it will not go. And maybe that is for the best, as I can't imagine this movie changing anybody's mind about anything. But Naomi Watts sure is cute.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Old Age Day by Day December 5, 2010
Well, our holiday party invites are out and the online shopping done. It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. Especially since the weather is about as Christmasy as it gets. It's only fit to go out for movies. I've got to find one I want to see today. And they didn't have the sweater in my size I wanted online, so my husband and I will have to look in an actual store. Luckily, it's a little store and nearby, so if I find something, he's taken care of me for Christmas.
What I love to do is make gifts, so I have a picture of a bird mobile I'm going to attempt to replicate, and need to go to a fabric store tomorrow. And if I finish the quilt tablecloths I began last summer, that will be some homemade stuff. I also have been knitting in a frenzy whenever I watch a DVD, and it's adding up. Nobody needs these things I make, but it feels like one of the truer parts of the holiday for me.
But my party is the heart of the matter, because I get to feed my friends and see them and wish them well. I like the connections that occur over the season.
What I love to do is make gifts, so I have a picture of a bird mobile I'm going to attempt to replicate, and need to go to a fabric store tomorrow. And if I finish the quilt tablecloths I began last summer, that will be some homemade stuff. I also have been knitting in a frenzy whenever I watch a DVD, and it's adding up. Nobody needs these things I make, but it feels like one of the truer parts of the holiday for me.
But my party is the heart of the matter, because I get to feed my friends and see them and wish them well. I like the connections that occur over the season.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Old Age Day by Day December 4, 2010
Yesterday I tried to make a quiet day - no driving. Luckily, my daughter drove us for a bit of shopping, and that was fun. New lipstick is an amazing morale booster. It ought to be part of everyone's health regimen. I order some things online, tried to find Christmas stamps at yet another post office, and laid my Christmas cards out on the dining room table - symbol that I am getting cracking at this holiday thing big time. And - tah dah - I picked the date for my holiday party. Now if I can just get the actual invitations out!
I am a firm believer in several tasks a day until Christmas Eve is here. Bite the bullet, then go do something else. The biggest tasks are getting and decorating the tree, and getting ready for the party and cooking. Those require the whole day, and advance forays into the insane world of holiday shoppers. The driving at this time of year is scary, really, really scary. People do very strange maneuvers, and a parking space becomes a recipe for terror. People who are nice the rest of the year turn naughty, very naughty, and I hope Santa sees them.
This is the season of rage, and you get to witness it in yourself and others. It is not a pretty picture. I do a lot of long breath breathing and try to notice the anger as it arises and falls away. The rest of the year I like to pretend I'm calm, but this season all the volcanic underbelly bubbles up and I see my darker self, suppressed, perhaps, but not vanquished. But constantly doing the gratitude practice aids me in behaving better than I might otherwise. I have a mantra when shopping - I have all the time in the world, let others push in front, who cares? Remember there is instant cocoa at home and my new gadget that steams milk, so I can have a frothy, calming hot drink when I get back.
Equanimity, here I come!
I am a firm believer in several tasks a day until Christmas Eve is here. Bite the bullet, then go do something else. The biggest tasks are getting and decorating the tree, and getting ready for the party and cooking. Those require the whole day, and advance forays into the insane world of holiday shoppers. The driving at this time of year is scary, really, really scary. People do very strange maneuvers, and a parking space becomes a recipe for terror. People who are nice the rest of the year turn naughty, very naughty, and I hope Santa sees them.
This is the season of rage, and you get to witness it in yourself and others. It is not a pretty picture. I do a lot of long breath breathing and try to notice the anger as it arises and falls away. The rest of the year I like to pretend I'm calm, but this season all the volcanic underbelly bubbles up and I see my darker self, suppressed, perhaps, but not vanquished. But constantly doing the gratitude practice aids me in behaving better than I might otherwise. I have a mantra when shopping - I have all the time in the world, let others push in front, who cares? Remember there is instant cocoa at home and my new gadget that steams milk, so I can have a frothy, calming hot drink when I get back.
Equanimity, here I come!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Old Age Day by Day December 3, 2010
Yesterday was not my best day. I witnessed an accident in the morning, and if I'd not been reticent moving into the intersection after the light turned green, I would have been hit by the speeding huge white van instead of the poor guy to my right who turned left and got smashed. It threw me into a surreal state, which made my voice lesson difficult, and had me worrying the rest of the day. I wondered if I should have stopped, despite the police car being right there, and if the people in the cars had been hurt. You never know.
Then, getting in the car to go to chorus last night, I backed up into my own garage door. I'd neglected to open it. I was ready to quit at that point, but knew it was the last rehearsal before dress rehearsal, and I should be there, so I drove over, and took great care choosing a parking place where I thought I wouldn't be hit by another car backing out. I was jumpy, very jumpy.
I guess I was destined yesterday to have a car mishap, and luckily, I had the lesser one. Life can be just too weird some days.
Then, getting in the car to go to chorus last night, I backed up into my own garage door. I'd neglected to open it. I was ready to quit at that point, but knew it was the last rehearsal before dress rehearsal, and I should be there, so I drove over, and took great care choosing a parking place where I thought I wouldn't be hit by another car backing out. I was jumpy, very jumpy.
I guess I was destined yesterday to have a car mishap, and luckily, I had the lesser one. Life can be just too weird some days.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Old Age Day by Day December 1, 2010
I still feel like I'm in motion, after a two day drive back from visiting our daughter and her family for Thanksgiving. It's good to get away - it's good to get back. I don't have the dogs picked up from the kennel yet, so I went out early this morning to get groceries, and discovered I was too early for either store! It was weird. I took a little walk, sat on a bench in the sun, and finally was able to buy what I needed. Today, being the beginning of December, means the roller coaster ride to Christmas has begun. Before that event are two birthdays in our family and my holiday party, and somewhere in there sending Holiday cards. Okay, I can do this. I've done it quite a few times. I even like doing it. That's how crazy I am.
Our Thanksgiving was delightful, with a two year old setting the standard for joy, all four of our kids together and both spouses, as well as my best friend and her sister. Every bit of food was yummy, all three kinds of pie. We had leftovers two days later and that was a scrumptious dinner as well. We went with our granddaughter and daughter and son-in-law to see the lights at the zoo at night, which was magical. I feel so blessed with my family, and the sense of loss I used to feel with everyone dead in the generation above me has dissipated in the growth of our kids' signifigant others and our grandchild. The family feels full again. I truly enjoy being with them all and I really have fun.
Our Thanksgiving was delightful, with a two year old setting the standard for joy, all four of our kids together and both spouses, as well as my best friend and her sister. Every bit of food was yummy, all three kinds of pie. We had leftovers two days later and that was a scrumptious dinner as well. We went with our granddaughter and daughter and son-in-law to see the lights at the zoo at night, which was magical. I feel so blessed with my family, and the sense of loss I used to feel with everyone dead in the generation above me has dissipated in the growth of our kids' signifigant others and our grandchild. The family feels full again. I truly enjoy being with them all and I really have fun.
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