Old Age Day by Day April 20, 2011

Our younger son stopped by last night after work and stayed for leftovers. His dog is really becoming a part of the family, and our dogs recognize the connection, but our female dog is a bit jealous of our son's attention to him. Anyway, it's nice, a passel of dogs, all with new collars from Hawaii that I brought back with me, looking spiffy. I am fond of our older son and daughter's cats, and our younger daughter's boyfriend has two cats. For a few years, I said I had two grandhorses and 20 grandponies, when my daughter-in-law owned a pony school. She's now sold it, but recently her childhood horse died and soon after one of the ponies, both from old age, and I felt very sad. Our pets are so good to us, so loyal and loving, and it's like an angel leaving our side.

I'm one of those people who loves horses and read every horse book cover to cover as a kid, but I never wanted to ride them, just loved being around them. We leased a pony when the kids were small and later had a horse for 7 years. I never rode, but I talked to her and missed her when we moved. Our older kids both rode for many years, but our son really just loved horses as pets, whereas our daughter liked the riding. The younger two never got the riding bug, but both love animals. Learning to respect and love animals is integral to a good character. I take my foster granddaughter to see the ponies at the old stables, and my granddaughter as well. When she was here recently we spent a lot of time feeding carrots to the ponies, and they were like old friends to me. Our granddaughter was fascinated and nervous, almost letting one feed from her hand at the end, but not quite. Our foster granddaughter overcame her fear at about four, and now can put her little hand out. It's an achievement, slowly won. Trusting a huge animal like that is creating a bond. It fosters empathy. And it says that though they are little, they are big and important in the world, noticed by a large creature with big eyes and teeth. These horses teach difference is not as important as the likeness you can discover.

Old Age Day by Day April 19, 2011

Yesterday I got about seven suspicious skin thingies burned off. This morning the technician took extra pictures of my right breast. There is no end to my paranoia. Even while I know I am not in control of this body. I can be kind to it, but random stuff happens, and the aging in and of itself brings dangers. It's out of my hands, but somehow I don't really believe that all the way. At least I don't kill a chicken or have my neck laden with good luck charms. Every checkup now feels like I'm squeezing past a disaster by a hair's breath. So many of my friends have fallen or had surgeries or live with fear of the word reoccurence. Good people, people who live generous, loving lives.

Yesterday I was reading O magazine, and in it was a big article on superfoods. These evidently require trekking to South America or some such thing, and in it I see our culture's desperation. We're all Ponce de Leon's, looking for the fountain of youth. Probably it would be enough to cut out the sugar and fries, but somehow that's not exotic enough. My doctor gave me this little paperback called "Sugarbusters" and it is easy to follow and sensible. I don't eat sugar and haven't in years. So to me fruit is super sweet, dark chocolate exotic, and bread and potatoes a big treat. Yeah, I still miss eclairs and once in a while I have a fantasy involving donuts, but mostly I still love food and can have a cappuchino for desert and feel treated royally.

I'm trying to make my peace with my age and the inevitable result, but like everyone else, I fight to live this life I love. It's a balancing act, and I haven't quite got it down yet.

Old Age Day by Day April 18, 2011

I'm behind. My processing is all out of whack. I didn't get to sit with my experience with my granddaughter after her visit, because we rushed off to Hawaii, and when I returned, sleep deprived from the flight, I had a family errand to do, and all sorts of grocery shopping etc. The weekend gave me no time to settle down, and this week I have three doctor's appointments which cause anxiety: dermatologist, mammogram and eye doctor. I'm attempting to see friends in between, and keep getting the dates and times mixed up. I need a slow down strike. How did I end up with all these appointments the same week? Two are six month call backs and the third an annual, but I never have my filofax with me when I make them, and I have no genius phone, so it happens. This week I will take the filofax, to avoid this kind of thing again in six months.

I often underestimate how tense an appointment makes me. I want to be calmer and more mature and reasonable. But I am not. I'm human. I'm going to try not to forget that fact next time.

Old Age Day by Day April 17, 2011

I had a delightful visit with my daughter-in-law Friday to Saturday. I was there to help - their furnace was on the fritz, but it got repaired early in the day, and we were able to go out to lunch and chat. Then she taught in the afternoon and I had a two hour nap on her sofa, and then read. We went out for Puerto Rican food for dinner (plantains, beans, salsa, Pacifico!) and then a movie she picked, which was amazing to watch, but so violent we did a lot of hiding behind our hands. It was "Hanna", and pretty much non-stop tension, killing and heart pounding suspense. Luckily, we both slept well despite being shell shocked when we got out of the theater. We'll laugh about it later, I'm sure. Then she made me a big breakfast the next morning and she was off to grad school and I drove home. One of the delights of grown children is how your family expands. I not only adore my daughter-in-law, but am fond of her mother, sisters and other relatives. It feels great. The same thing goes for my son-in-law. My kids married into really nice families.

Old Age Day by Day April 16, 2011

Today would be my mother's birthday. She's been dead for 25 years. She died younger than I am now, at 61. She's missed so much that I had hoped she'd see: weddings, graduations, her grown up grandchildren. I feel there are many conversations I did not have with her, because I wasn't mature enough. And I wish I had more history of her. Yes, she lives on in my heart, but it's not the same. I have an irrational envy of friends whose mothers are still alive, even though they are dealing with debility and illness and seeing their parents grow old and dependent. My two older kids' stepmother has two healthy, sharp and delightful parents. Maybe it only looks good from the outside, but being an orphan, even at my advanced age, is difficult at times.

I appreciate every day I have now, and am grateful to have survived to the blessed state of grandparenthood. I probably won't live to see all my grandchildren, but I've written a grandparents' book, and intend to leave letters to them. At least my parents lived to see all four of their grandchildren, and delight in them. The youngest doesn't remember them at all, but I see facets of them in her, and she has my mother's legs, which is a great gift, let me tell you. So I take this moment to remember and wish I'd had reason to buy a card and gift, and surprise her with a cake. Happy birthday, Mom.

Old Age Day by Day April 14, 2011

Last night the jet lag and temperature change and ordinary life got to me. I couldn't sleep and ached in many different locations. This morning I am bundled up in jeans, long sleeved shirt, sweater and vest. It's a sad state of affairs, but there it is. It is cold here. As I was walking the dogs, I was thinking of my little granddaaughter's visit, and the day we went to my neighbor's so she could play with my friend's granddaughter who is five. My granddaughter wanted to dress up and picked her own outfit, with tights and a "skirt", which was actually a tee shirt she put on upside down and inside out. Somehow she had decided a skirt was more sophisticated. I let her go that way, and my friend and her granddaughter were tactful. She was so proud of herself for playing with a big girl, and undoubtedly thought she looked like a princess. It tugs my heart to remember.

So clothes maybe do not make the man, but they make the woman. Evidently, you are never too young to consider your ensemble, and develop your own style. Or in my case, have an ongoing struggle to find a style. Mine is cowgirl cum hippie cum ethnic something. A lot of fabric from India and Not Your Daughter's Jeans mixed with organic cotton and REI. It's comfortable, but there are reasons I prefer not to be photographed that have nothing to do with my age. I respect my delusions, and so does my granddaughter.

Old Age Day by Day April 13, 2011

Well, I'd say it's great to be back, but with a thirty degree drop in temperature, and rain this morning, I'm not so sure. I miss the 80 degree weather, ocean breezes, and swimming. What a cold year it's been here. I feel we really relaxed and rested in Hawaii, and kept our activities slow and easy. I enjoyed watching the birds, especially a Black Crowned Night Heron and the Black Necked Stilts, and a little bird called Japanese White Eye. I bought a bird book, and searched for the birds I saw. You have to be slow and quiet to see birds, so that gives you an idea of the level of activity most of our time. I adored swimming in unheated water and lying out afterward without needing any coverup - it was so warm you could walk around day or night without a sweater. We saw a seal bathing himself on the reef every morning at low tide, and a pod of whales breaching right out from our balcony. We ate so much fish I've grown fins. We listened to ukeleles and smelled plumeria and watched sunsets from the shore.

But, I'm glad to be back with friends and dogs and a routine. We were so lazy there we practically slept 12 hours every night, and dozed on chaise lounges on the lawn in front of the beach. My muscles were beginning to atrophy. Now I'm back dog walking and grocery hauling and video exercising. It's for the best. I think.