Old Age Day by Day July 10, 2011

Reading the Sunday paper, I like to save the best for last, and think about whether I'm going to ultimately read certain articles. This is because newspapers are vying with other media to scare us, startle us in such a way that we bother to read the whole story. Today the most fearful stories seemed to be about financial fears. A fair regulator unlistened to by government and now resigning, Bernake failing to tell the truth, jobs lost. Something about the U.S. bonds struck me with terror, as I have money in bonds. We're all jumpy, but some of us also know that what we can read about or see on TV is not a complete story. If they are trying to make us scream, they're doing a good job of it, but it is also turning some of us away from seeking information, and taking action. We feel like butterfies pinned to a wall.

I know how to avoid the murder trials and pop star scandals, but should I be reading about the economy? Everyone has their position, but is anyone speaking the truth, or do they even know it? I have common sense, and I know if there are hard times there are hard reasons for it, and that change takes time. There are no easy fixes. It seems to me, deregulation has allowed financial institutions to run amok, and that the practical solution is to rein them in by force. You don't let a runaway horse stampede and hurt people out of terror. You don't let your kid in a candy store with no supervision to eat whatever he likes. Banks are terrified because they have TOO MUCH discretion, and their instincts are paranoid and self-serving. Let's face it, these are people who went into their profession to make money not to help people. Otherwise they'd be social workers or something else.

I try not to participate in this fear foaming zeitgeist we've been experiencing. But I don't want to get robbed of my retirement by sheer stupidity of the people elected to represent us. I know enough to know I can't trust in them. It feels like there is no safe place for my retirement money, and no information about how to protect myself. If the government would try living within its means, then perhaps we could end these wars we can't afford, and address fully what's wrong at home. But I guess that is too sensible. No wonder ordinary citizens can't spend only what they earn. They have been encouraged to live in a fantasy of buy now and pay later, or never.

Old Age Day by Day July 9, 2011

I watched the old Ken Russell movie "Women in Love" by myself last night. It looks pretty silly and the dialogue is way too literary, but some of the class ideas hold up well. When I first read the book, in my twenties, I identified with the women, but of course the book is entirely about men and their preconceptions about women. I find now when Birkin wants a wife and a best friend, and Ursula can't understand why she isn't enough, I am with Birkin 100%. No spouse is "enough" and I want close intimate friends as much or more than a life partner. But D.H. Lawrence thought he was radical, and the homoeroticism inherent in the book and movie show what he was really struggling with. The movie seems to me now to be a funny take on the strum and drang of the emotional roller coaster of a person in their twenties. All melodrama and absolutes.

I did work on the pictures and am so organized. In the process I found my tap shoes, ballet shoes, baby pink wool booties, my dad's hospital bracelet, his navy wings, a baby ring and an engagement ring, and various other ancient artifacts. They are now wrapped and better stored, and I gave away a few things to our older son and younger daughter last night when they were here for dinner. The power of objects for me has always been great. I read whole novels into them, and analyze my past. As they say, the past is never past.

I'm going to balance a little shopping with errands and generally floating around. I've had a leisurely morning so far and plan to stick to it!

Old Age Day by Day July 8, 2011

I just got off the phone with my granddaughter, and she is a talker. We discussed wildflowers, summer trips, camping, dressing up, whether she is coming to the cabin and how we are going to get together. Afterward, my daughter asked what on earth we were talking about. I said about forty topics! I hope to see her in August. I sure miss her.

I am looking forward to a quiet weekend, working on family pictures, and organizing a hall closet and seeing our older son tonight for dinner. My husband is going to the cabin, to enjoy the perfect summer up there.

The gardener is here, and I smell the green of plants and the simple pleasures are truly the best. Family, friends, and daily tasks and connections.

Old Age Day by Day July 7, 2011

The cabin was heavenly. I hated to come back down. And then I discovered that the meeting had been canceled that brought me down! But since I'm here, I'm making the best of it. I'm seeing my foster granddaughter today and a friend tomorrow, and I'll hear about our younger daughter's trip for a wedding, and enjoy the sunshine here. I'm flexible.

My husband, our younger son and I went for a walk with the dogs at the cabin yesterday, and took a wildflower identification book. We were pretty certain about some, and had fun glorying in the diversity and beauty of the flowers. The lupine was abundant, and penstamen and yellow iris and many more. I showed our son the osprey nest that you can see from the window in the cabin, and we could hear their cries off and on. Everyone but me saw a mountain bluebird, and we spotted junkos and tanagers and creepers and other woodpeckers. I especially like the Pleated Woodpecker, which is big and had a slash of orangy red.

The three dogs spent a long time looking through the rails of the deck at a gray squirrel, and imagining they could climb trees. We sat and read, played Yatzee and Bananas, and fed our faces. Peaceful, yes, and so relaxed the body kind of melts into the chair. Now if I can just keep that feeling down here!

Old Age Day by Day July 3, 2011

Yesterday I worked some more on organizing old photos. The big achievement is they are all in one place, and protected in plastic boxes or containers. It's as if the house multiplies its objects every 30 days! I feel good that if one of the kids wants to see old photos, it's doeable now. We could look through, and I'd identify people, and maybe we could even organize by family (Mom's or Dad's) or era. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My husband is going crazy about his study, because in the last few months he's just stuffed things in there rather than do the sorting to put stuff away. There comes a time when you have to get rid of something to put something away. We are there. I've taken to giving away books if I have more to put away. I've given up on saving magazines. I never seem to pull them out to read them anyway. I do not save every book that is a good book. I think mainly of books I might reread. I am a rereader. I probably don't need all my teaching papers, or my early drafts of books I've written. Nobody is going to be writing a biography of me, because nothing much has been published, and to no acclaim. Ah, well, I'm in good company.

So organizing is partly an acceptance of dreams given up, or deferred at best, and self-importance easing away. Room must be made for the real, the now, the possibilities in the future.

Old Age Day by Day July 2, 2011

Yesterday I went by myself to see the new documentary, "Buck", about the guy on whom the movie "The Horse Whisperer" was based. His is an extraordinary story, and I feel like there is no human being on earth who would not benefit from seeing this film. I laughed, I cried, I entirely engaged with this man and his life. It was an honor to get to "know" him. Go see it. It is amazing.

Coincidentally, I was reading a mystery about horses, and though I never ride, from earliest childhood my favorite books were about horses. I read the Black Stallion books again and again, Black Beauty, and any and every other book that came my way. I love horses. But not to ride. I love their natures. We had a pony for our kids, and then a horse for seven years. I wanted my kids to have horses in their lives, and I bought them every horse book that came out. The bond between horses and humans has been as strong as between humans and dogs, and yet horses have not been rewarded for their empathy and cooperation often enough. And now, except for a few pockets in the world, they can never run free or be free. Humans have overrun the earth.

I love Deborah Butterfield's sculptures of horses because she often expresses the betrayal of horses by humans, their sadness and longing, and their fierce need to run, and be animals. Dogs are domesticated, but still have some freedom and run in packs, but it's like humans have rounded up all the horses of the world, dominated them, and have no respect for their nature and needs. We let cattle run and have space more than we ever do for horses. And a horse's heart is the most wonderous gift given to us.

Old Age Day by Day July 11, 2011

When my friend was visiting we sat down with my parents' box of photos and searched and separated them out. I threw away photos of people and places I couldn't identify, and had stacks for people who were friends of my parents still alive who would appreciate them. We enjoyed sorting through and I had support while I did this small task that is so painful to accomplish. I won't be around much longer, and a lot of these photos are meaningless to my kids, and some are meaningless to me. I tossed all their travel photos that did not have them in it. Since so much of my family is dead, there is no one to help identify people. I kept all photos of relatives, and any that had some historical purpose. But this is the time, and I wanted to do this for my kids, and not leave a loose box of photos like these. My own photos are all in albums. It would be better if they had explanations beside them, but at least they are most chronological and protected. This is a job of work I was happy to do, and of course, now, everything new is on my computer. If they do want to delete after we're gone, it's pretty easy.

So this little task was made easier and comforting by my friend whom I've known since I was nine. These are the wonderful, invisible loving acts that friends provide. For those couple of hours alone, I am so grateful she came here, after 45 years, to help me make this long journey of goodbyes.