Old Age Day by Day March 10, 2012

Our older son just won a prestigious award for grad students, and we're so happy for him.  It's money and encouragement and he thinks it will be a guarantee of a good job.  He's worked a lot of hard and lonely hours, so he deserves it.  Our kids have accomplished so much, and all the while remaining decent, kind people.  I feel lucky.  It feels like a lot of celebrating will be going on this spring and next.  Two masters degrees, a Phd, and probably a few surprises as well.  I love being a witness to the unfolding of my kids' lives.  Sometimes it's painful, but it is always interesting and surprising.  This part of parenthood is where you are powerless to protect them, don't know what path they should take, but are amazed and how well they do on their own. 

Old Age Day by Day March 9, 2012

I'm making an Indian feast for dinner as friends of my husband are coming over.  I love the food and a good excuse to indulge.  I need to stock up on spices and coconut and other delightful shopping, and it's a beautiful day for it.  And on Sunday our older son returns from London, and we have not seen him since November.  Plus, tomorrow a friend and I are going to gardens and exploring a landscape we have not seen before.  So, it's all good.  Gratitude arises.  No effort needed.

Old Age Day by Day March 8, 2012

I'm about to go off to my therapy appointment.  I look forward to it, because I value her advice and perspective.  I go once a month to "check in", and I have a couple of things I want to run by her this time.  A therapist, like a Buddhist teacher, is a witness to my intentions and my actions.  They often see a situation in a way I cannot yet grasp.  And they make suggestions, usually incredibly simple, which ease my life and relationships.  I need a lot of help fending off my rescuing tendencies, and also my desire to "talk things out".  Sometimes talking is not the best policy; sometimes I need to listen and observe, then mull what I think I've seen over later.

But I have great gratitude for these people who take an interest in how I'm wandering in the world.  They trust me to find my way, and I trust them for useful directions.

Old Age Day by Day March 7, 2012

Yesterday my foster granddaughter and I watched "Annie Get Your Gun".  First she asked me if there were any bad guys.  I thought and said, no.  What a novel idea!  I was surprised myself.  Disney movies ALWAYS have a bad guy, well, actually, it's usually a WOMAN.  But no, this musical has no bad guys and the problem in the movie is Annie Oakley and Frank Butler are hot headed.  It's their tempers and Frank's swelled head that keep them from their happy ending for a while.  She loved the costumes, the songs and especially "Anything you can do I can do better".  We sang it after with our own words until her dad picked her up.  And hey, I figure she learned there was a real wild west heroine who bested the guys all over the world, and looked mighty pretty doing it.  Betty Hutton was a great comedienne, and Howard Keel was his usual grinning, goodnatured songbird.  And my granddaughter learned about Sitting Bull, Buffalo Bill Cody and Shawnee Bill.  What's not to like?

The song "Got no Diamonds, Got No Pearls" is a great message, too:  "I got the sun in the morning and the moon in the evening and the stars at night".  Still I'm grateful for what I've got.  Hummmm.  What a radical concept.

Old Age Day by Day March 6, 2012

My husband and I had an interesting conversation over lunch yesterday.  I was explaining that I have never been attracted to "authorities".  (We had been talking about the Vatican and the contraception issue)  As a child I felt injustice in the arbitrary (sometimes) power of my parents, and I was trained by them to ask questions and think for myself.  My husband thought I meant I knew more than anybody else, but I clarified:  I know more about MYSELF than anyone else.  I ask for expertise, and love being a student, but about myself, I cede no power over to another.  Yes, people can hurt me, yes, people can help me, but I am the one choosing to let in their opinions.  I check everything I observe against my own feelings and experiences.  I definitely have always thought of myself as spiritual, but I do not bow to the authority of any religion.  My Buddhist path encourages me to look inside myself and trust me, which accords with my behavior all my life.  I let myself learn from my mistakes in judgment and feeling.  Life is a risk, and my life is unique.  There is no formula that suits me completely.  I have freely chosen to make my major intention to not harm myself or others.  Because my heart has always pulled that way, and I do not wish to cause suffering to others.  But I take all responsibility for this life and my actions, so I cannot rest in an authority or institution.  I'm necessarily adversarial to rules and regulations of the conduct of human beings.  I respect others choices, and wish for the same.

My husband and I have a long marriage, almost 38 years, but we are always finding new subjects to discuss and explaining each other differently.  We are changing, have changed many times, and so we meet in this moment, and it's new and fresh.  I love that secret about marriage.

Old Age Day by Day March 5, 2012

We were awakened at 5:30 am by an earthquake.  It must have been centered nearby, as it was quite a shake, though brief.  It startled the dogs, and they had to be let outside to bark at mother nature.  Amazingly, I went back to sleep.  With earthquakes, there isn't much to do.  They are usually over before you can get downstairs and out the door or under a table.  Just another reminder that I am not in control of anything, and my life can change in an instant.  I already knew that, but it never hurts to have a reality check.  I'm in the majority of of people here who know a big one is coming, but are not ready for preemptive measures.  We like where we live too much.  When I was in my early twenties, and living up north, there occurred three big earthquakes in the space of eight hours.  Some of our new friends, who had relocated from Rapid Falls, South Dakota, because their company and had moved, were deeply frightened by the quakes.  They had deposits on houses and had picked the colors of their appliances and were adjusting, but after the quakes, many of the couples moved back to South Dakota, sans jobs.  The next year a devastating flood hit Rapid City and pretty much wiped out the town.

So I'm not sure there is a guaranteed island of safety, where nature does not raise it's head and rattle a few inhabitants of it's domain.  That time I took the baby and stayed with my parents for a few days until the aftershocks calmed down.  I've never forgotten the feel of that night, rushing to the baby's crib and my husband pulling him out by his feet, huddling with many others in the apartment complex by the pool until a second quake sloshed the pool like a plastic tub, then, exhausted in early morning, venturing back inside to have a third quake hit and the tv, bookshelves and pictures fall over again.  Some buildings crumbled, some people died, and a lot of stuff broke.  And that is when you realize stuff is stuff, and if you're alive and unharmed, you're damned lucky.  Not smart, not well planned out, just lucky.

Old Age Day by Day March 4, 2012

I had a delightful time with my granddaughter and daughter, and feel like my heart connection has been reestablished.  We played store, dressup, restaurant, going on a trip, riding in a boat, and we read and danced and sang.  We had a long talk about death while she was in the bath one night, because her dad's father recently died.  She was clarifying for me that I wasn't as old as him, which is true, I'm about sixteen years younger, and I could see her fear and I hope I reassured her that even when I do die, my love will be all around her.  The main gift I give her, is I am willing to stay in the house all day and she doesn't have to get in the car seat and be dragged around to school, etc.  I am retired, so I can be still with her.  We have peaceful, quiet days, mostly.  And when we do go out, it is to the children's museum or strolling her dolly in her stroller and looking at crocuses and daffodils.

Now I'm making the transition back to an adult world.  Both have their merits, and I'm grateful I have access to the wonder of the child and the contemplation of the adult.