Old Age Day by Day April 9, 2012

Last week was my brother's birthday.  I sent him a card, as usual.  He sends me birthday and Christmas cards and baked goods at Christmas and garden sculptures in the spring.  He does not answer phone calls or wish to be in contact in any other way.  I haven't seen him in over 11 years or spoken to him, by his wish.  I know nothing about his life, except he is still living in the same house, because the cards aren't returned by the post office.  Sometimes I forget I have a brother.  It's very strange.  He was an alcoholic from 16 to mid thirties, and after our parents died he broke contact for two years, then we resumed visiting each other until he wrote a long letter saying how much he loved me but didn't want to see any of the family again.  As they say, actions have consequences, so now I would view him as a stranger and really have no reason to see him.  He is not a person who is able to support another in any way.  I am a person who respects herself.  He has nothing to offer me now.  I wish him well.  I pray for his well being.  He's floating out there in the ocean of life, and our boats are unlikely to cross paths again.  I'm at peace with that. 

Old Age Day by Day April 7, 2012

My husband just left for our cabin, and I kind of wish I'd gone, too, but I want to see my new teacher live tomorrow, and my mental health is probably better served by hearing his dharma talk.  It's touch and go though, because the mountains and silence and birds do me a world of good as well.  If I have a sanctuary, it's up there.  The silence at this time of year, the "nothing to do" letting go, the lack of newspapers and mail or even neighbors, makes a kind of peace that has helped sustain me over the years.  I love the woods.  I love the wildflowers that must have begun to spring up, and the rising of the lake and the melting of the snow.  I like the roar of the river as it jolts into the far end of the lake.  Soon there will be boats on the lake and people at the beaches and the snack bar will be open and the store will be crowded with campers.  Right now is the calm before the storm.

I'll let my husband have that kind of calming down, and I'll sit tomorrow and take in the words of a young, wise teacher whose love is boundless.

Old Age Day by Day April 6, 2012

We just got back from walking around the reservoir with the dogs.  It is a glorious day and though many a younger person jogged by us, we felt fit and glad for the knees and hips cooperating.  Tonight we go out to dinner to celebrate our older son's birthday, so it's a pleasant day.  I went to the bakery this morning and picked out the cake our son wanted, plus a little surprise, and I even now feel pleasure just being in a bakery, though I can't eat the contents.  There is a sensual delight in looking at the cakes and cookies and admiring the frosting and decorations.  One wedding cake had a flowing white satin gown effect from the frosting.  Another bridal cake was four squares stacked and decorated with chocolate garnishes like hennaed hands.  There was an Easter cake in a pale mint green with frosting eggs and ribbons. 

And the surprise is two coconut cake eggs covered in dark chocolate, with pastel squiggles.  Coconut is much admired in our family.  I've never had any food that didn't improve with coconut.  My mother made the best three or four layer coconut cake for Easter, with a food color dyed green nest, jelly bean eggs and a couple of fluffy chicks on top.  I can taste it now.  And no calories for just dreaming!

Old Age Day by Day April 5, 2012

A couple of days ago a dear friend and I were on a walk together and her hip began hurting badly.  I walked home and got the car and picked her up.  Now she is at her daughter's, with pain meds and a walker and cane.  She's extremely good natured about it, but remarked that she is on a new adventure, and her days of blithely walking for miles might be over, at least for a while.  She's a few years older than me, and I got a partly selfish chill when she said that.  One day we are feeling fine, the next the joints or knees or fairly crucial equipment fail us and we must adjust.  Our freedom is circumscribed by this new state of being.  One has to be strong and valiant to grow old.  You can see it as a series of disappointments or opportunities.  My friend has her practice, and she will do well with these new challenges.  But how would I do, how will I do?  I feel bad for my friend too because her brother is dying, and she was set to go out when he called.  Will she be able to?  Is the body's collapse related to letting go of her only sibling?  How are these things connected?

It's all mysterious.  Today I insisted on walking the dogs.  I appreciated being able to.  I vowed to take better care of myself.  But what is coming?  Am I prepared?  I don't know.

Old Age Day by Day April 4, 2012

I believe this will be a movie matinee day for me.  There is a movie out with Rachel Weitz, and I love her acting.  I may also shop for an electric toothbrush - oh, joy.  I just finished an amazing thriller last night - "When I go to Sleep" by Watson, which was riveting, about a woman with amnesia.  It was a real roller coaster ride, and at the same time made me think about identity and some complicated issues.  It was fun, and as they say, I hated to see it end.
Yesterday, I managed to wait at the wrong place for my friend for tea, and when my other friend and I went out for lunch, her leg sort of gave out, and I had to walk back home, get the car, and pick her up.  So things were just a bit off and unsettling.  The stars are slightly misaligned or something.  My friend says it's the Water Dragon year - lots of planets shifting in weird ways and powerful forces at work.  I'm inclined to believe something is afoot, and there have been a series of disturbing news on the the homefront and beyond.  Time to remember to be kind and gentle in all things, and careful with oneself.

Old Age Day by Day April 3, 2012

Today is a girlfriend day, as I'm having tea with one and lunch with the other.  My friends anchor me, and I treasure my time with them.  The small moments are my best.  The laughter, sharing, and sadness are my most valued times.  It's nice to take a trip or see something new, but nicer still to witness each other's journey through life's ups and downs and middles.  The middles are fine.  I'm all for middles.  As I get older I don't seek the highs and lows - the thrills and chills.  I feel most alive, most fully present, in the steady drum of life.  The sounds of frog songs in the night. 

Old Age Day by Day April 2, 2012

We had a nice three days away, with a lot of driving, but on roads where we had not ventured before, and we saw things not seen before, such as two lighthouses, a guest house museum, a botanical gardens that exceeded all expectations, beaches, tiny towns, windy roads through foothills.  We stayed in a town with one hotel (6 rooms) with a pub and a small grocery store next door.  But crossing the road, we could take wooden stairs down to a black sand beach.  The coast was stormy with huge waves and many rocks.  The little towns were fun to see, and imagine how it would be to live in one.  We saw a pgmy forest of pines and cypress.  The signs said some trees had eighty life rings but stood only 2 feet high.  I have 66 life rings and stand five feet high, so I identified mightily with this forest.  I guess it's the acid in the soil that inhibits growth.  Strange.

We saw monuments to the destruction of the redwoods through the decimating forestry, and tried to imagine what the coast looked like before the lumbermen.  For 11,000 years the Pomo lived up and down the coast, without altering the look, but in less than 100 years, the lumberman transformed the land, muddied up the rivers, blocked streams and built their ugly wooden structures.  The resulting towns have nothing to recommend them but the ocean and beaches, which they could not alter, much as they probably would have liked to.  We were fascinated by the two lighthouses we saw, one a tall, classic pillar of white and the other small, like a church with a lens instead of a steeple.  They still need these lighthouses, with such dangerous rocks and coastline, and imagining the lives of the lighthouse keepers, seeing their photos and family pictures, was deeply interesting.  The lens are like huge jewels, multifaceted.  One lighthouse had taken the lens down and we could see it up close.  The other was still functional and we could see the light searching and beaconing.  I saw a book about women lighthouse keepers and regret not buying it. 

So our three day weekend was a great getaway.  We even stopped by to see my Buddhist teacher and her husband, and stroll through their gardens and watch the birds, especially yellow finches, red winged blackbirds and banded pigeons.