Old Age Day by Day May 18, 2012

This is the day our daughter-in-law receives her teaching credential.  I know she will be happy and relieved.  We sure are a teaching family!  It's a beautiful day, like summer again, and I'm thinking mightily of Memorial Day Weekend, especially as my husband is up at our cabin basking in the sun on the deck.  I had a few commitments down here, so didn't go.  Also, I like the guy, but I like a break, too.  I am not of the "We two are one" persuasion about marriage.  To me, that's claustrophobic.  I like to think of marriage as a partnership which brings much new and interesting to lives.  I don't like to think of us as a couple, or yoked together.  We support each other in doing our own thing, and share some of that, but not all of it.  Marriage is complicated.

We just received an invitation from friends for their 50th wedding anniversary.  It's a joyful occasion, and their respect and love for each other is abundantly clear.  They are both strong, independent people who have forged a family and a life that is ever changing and challenging and fun.  My husband and I are in our 38th year of marriage.  We've barely begun!

Old Age Day by Day May 17, 2012

The film "Gerhardt Richter Painting"  is a gem.  You get to see him in the process of painting, and subsequently get a brief glimpse of all the versions of a painting before he's "done".  Sometimes I would want to yell stop and get him to stick with a version, but it was swiftly covered over, never to be seen again.  Moment to moment the art changed, and that awareness was a lesson in itself.  He didn't say much, as he thinks words are another form of language from art, so you cannot superimpose words on paintings.  I agree with that idea.  Yet words are our basic medium, so we struggle and incline ourselves that way.  The film is quiet and introspective, the way the artist is known to be, and therefore I felt i understood him better by the end.  He looks sixty, but must have been in his eighties when the film was made.  It reminds you how physical painting is, and how good a shape it's kept him in. 

The other day someone was saying in another life they'd like to be an athlete.  I said I'd have liked to have been a painter.  Art has been a major passion for me all my life.  Art expresses for me what I cannot express verbally. 

Old Age Day by Day May 16, 2012

My foster granddaughter and I sewed pillows yesterday.  She brought them home with her, pleased as punch (what does that expression mean, anyhow?)  Her mom's baby is due this coming Saturday.  It's exciting, and these last days always stretch out interminably.  Waiting is hard.  Her mother is so cheerful, and glows, but still.  She's feeling done.  On to the next phase.

I had my first three kids late, so I know all about waiting.  When the fourth was a week early, I was unprepared.  Whatever scenarios I thought up ahead of time, I was always surprised.  And each kid has turned out to be so different from the others, that it makes sense they began life differently. 

My mother thought I was a difficult birth (I was her first) and my brother an easy baby.  Her attitude and relationship to me was difficult, and she simply adored my brother.  Though perhaps not fair, it's natural.  The circumstances surrounding birth color the whole experience.  Lucky for me, I had easy births each time, and this perhaps overly encouraged me to have another.  I liked pregnancy and birth.  It was my own personal magic act.

So it's fun to be let in on a brand new magic act, coming right up, any day now.

Old Age Day by Day May 15, 2012

Our daughter's graduation was lovely and the whole weekend so happy.  The party was fun and friendly, and though our team lost on Mother's Day, they played well and we were pleased.  My friend left yesterday, and now it's back to the old routine, but that has its merits as well.  Now, on to sewing projects, writing jobs, and seeing the dermatologist.  I'm a happy camper.  Today I see my foster granddaughter and before that my husband, son and I are doing a bit of shopping and having lunch out.  Simple pleasures, but all the more pleasant because they are simple.

Our governor is still attempting to explain why we need to raise taxes to pay for the services that we scream about if they are touched.  Good luck with that.  I think we should have economics in first grade, and little cash registers at each desk.  Instead, we think of finances as magic, and want the hits to be on the other guy, not us.  This a amazingly irrational, which is a perfect mirror (storm) of Washington, D.C.  The newspaper gives me a big fat headache.  I like our Governor, because I have every reason to believe that he is sane.  Our state is lucky that way.  But he clearly won't be appreciated until he is gone.  If then.  Welcome to my world.  Actually, it's yours, too.

Old Age Day by Day May 11, 2012

We went, with our younger daughter and her boyfriend, to see the movie "The Avengers" last night.  Lots of structures exploding, buildings collapsing, strange alien monitor lizard type things, and Samuel L. Jackson, whom I happen to be quite fond of even in his more ridiculous roles.  There were several heroes, one for every taste and Scarlett Johansen for the men in the audience.  My daughter and I have a particular interest in the guy who plays Thor, what a cutie, and the bad guy, Loki, is fun as played by Tim Huddleston, who I just saw in "Deep Blue Sea".  Mindless fun, and too long at that, but it's summery weather and we're all in the mood.

It should be gorgeous for our daughter's graduation tomorrow.  Luckily, it's in the morning, before it gets too hot.  Sunscreen and a hat ought to do it.  I'm excited about seeing our other daughter and my best friend.  They arrive today.  Oh, boy.

Old Age Day by Day May 10, 2012

I'm going to my monthly therapy appointment today, and I still find it helpful to check in with her.  She has my complicated history and is a witness for me in my life.  Sometimes I go in thinking I have nothing to say, sometimes too much, but the experience is always useful.  Lately, I've been having more trouble sleeping, so something is brewing.  I'm sure she will help me get to the bottom of it.  One of the beauties for me of good therapy is that she is not judging me.  I judge myself pretty severely, so I need that model.  She's an antidote self criticism and doubt.  I feel better about myself when I examine an event or action through her eyes.  I may not agreed entirely, but I relax a bit.  This coming weekend is full of big events, including a graduation and Mother's Day.  The latter is ripe for self criticism and angst about how I might have done things differently, or behaviors I'm still not happy about around my kids.  I'm self examining, I guess you might say, and despite my intentions, some habits are still haunting me.  Love is easy, it's what does or doesn't come out of my mouth that I worry about.  The Buddhist goal of Right Speech is foremost in my mind a lot of the time.  It used to be that I was too impulsive, but now sometimes I feel I don't speak up when it would be beneficial.  Each act must be examined carefully for it's possibility to harm unintentionally.  Tricky business.

Old Age Day byy Day May 9, 2012

I saw the movie "Pirates" with my foster granddaughter, and we both enjoyed it.  It was suitably silly.  It was a hot day, so the theater felt nice and cool, and we browsed a bookstore beforehand.  When I took her to her house, she was excited to show me some strawberries she was growing, but when she looked in her pot, the squirrels had eaten them all.  I have the same problem.  My backyard is a fruit factory for the critters, including my dogs, who eat the droppings from the squirrels.  I get about one persimmon and three apples each year.

Oh, well.  Today I'm taking a friend to a birthday lunch, and I feel pleased with the present I found for her.  I do love giving gifts.  So did my Mom.  My Dad usually acted like gift giving was under duress, but my Mom was pleased when she found something she felt was perfect for the other person, and her enthusiasm was communicated to both my brother and I.  And like my mother, I love it best when I make something myself for the other person, and love receiving those kind of presents best as well. 

What a day!