Old Age Day by Day May 28, 2012

Yesterday, a young woman offered me a seat on the train.  Oh, dear.  I am old!  And then, when there were huge boomings from fireworks last night, I couldn't make the effort to go outside and stand on the roof of the garage to see them.  Today, I'm disappointed in myself.  The pictures in the newspaper make me regret my lethargy.  On the good side, my daughter and I saw a great art exhibit, one I'd like to go back and see again.  It was exciting and inspiring, with many new artists.  So I ain't dead yet, I guess.

Today we have no plans, and it's overcast and dreary, but perhaps we will figure out something to do.  If we have enough energy.  This retirement thing can be dangerous, like a permanent rainy day where you don't go out.  It feels cosy, but then you get lazy, and just don't bother to interact out in the world.  Well, yesterday, I guess I did enough interacting, with meditation and dharma talk, lunch with a friend and her best friend, and the museum trip.  Perhaps I'm overreacting a bit.  Onward and upward1

Old Age Day by Day May 26, 2012

This day is a wedding anniversary for our older daughter, but they are divorcing, so I won't be sending flowers this year.  Things change.  But it does make me think back to that beautiful day, and all the family gathered and friends and flowers and great food and tears and all the turbulent components of such a celebration.  Our granddaughter came from that union, and she is such a blessing, that I will always have happy memories of the wedding.

Today it's overcast and we are going to see the film "Chimpanzee" in the afternoon, as I've been curious about it since I read the reviews.  My husband is still in his pajamas, working on his puzzle, and I am back from walking the dogs, and it's that kind of slow, cosy day.  We can even walk to the movie, so everything is easy-peasy. 

I'm reflecting on this change that occurs, and how it can be dramatic or slow, like my own aging, and yet, each moment is new and fresh and can be appreciated on its own, without fear or dread.  We're in the flow of the river, and each drop is connected to others and we're all moving slowly then swiftly towards the sea.  I'm attempting to relax in this river, and notice what is on the bank and up in the sky and under the surface.  To be here, not fighting the flow, but part of it.

Old Age Day by Day May 25, 2012

We were thinking of going to the cabin, but the weather is turning cooler and it is possible there will be rain, so we're sticking it out here.  That suits me fine.  I haven't been eager for any travel.  I've got my mysteries lined up like ducks, friends to see and an art exhibit I'd like to squeeze in.  Travel on this weekend means traffic, and some work is going on on the bridges and really, it's easier to stick close. 

I finished Toni Morrison's "Home", and it's a beautiful little book, like a prose poem, and redemptive in tone.  It reminds me of "The Bluest Eye".  There is a whole lot of hope in this book though, and I like that touch.  And the main male character is fully delineated, and beautiful, in an honest way.  I remember many years ago being thrilled by Morrison's visit to the university where I was a graduate student, and my being chosen to have dinner with her, as the representative of my creative writing department.  I was quiet, but managed to talk about a few non-literary topics.  She also did a workshop with a few of us, and then there was a gala speech in front of thousands.  She was comfortable to be around, and comforting, and she has a great sense of humor.  Soon after I met her, she won the Noble Prize for Literature.  I've never questioned that award.  She is a great writer, and each book has universal, timeless issues intertwined within.  She has us revisit our history as a nation, and she recalls it not to shame us but to reclaim the humanity of a time most would rather forget.  Like Ralph Ellison's "Invisible Man", she speaks beyond nationhood, and yet is quintessentially American.  Her rhythms, like his, are jazzy and pulses of the body.  She's a treasure.

Old Age Day by Day May 24, 2012

My foster granddaughter's mom is now a few days overdue for her baby.  I really sympathize.  My first baby was a month late, the second fourteen days and the third seventeen days.  The fourth was a week early.  Was I ever surprised!  I'm sure she is so ready to be over with it and see that little baby and hold it in her arms.  And it is probably confusing for her daughter.  There has been a lot of build up.  Sooner or later this baby is coming out, and at it's own pace.  And if he/she is a bit reluctant, who can blame him/her?  Going into this world of ours is not easy, even with adoring parents and sister waiting.  An onslaught of light and sound and discomfort awaits, as well as the joy of being alive in this world.  So I feel for the baby and the family.  A big event is coming, excitingly and relentlessly.  A change making event.

Old Age Day by day May 23, 2012

My husband and the dogs are returning today.  They've been gone almost a week, and it's been a good break, but it will be nice to have them back.  Next time, I guess I will go up, and see the spring wildflowers and watch the lake and the boats from the deck.  I must say I've done a pretty fine job of relaxing down here, and feel rested.  I still wake up early and get up at the same time, but it's quieter and I've managed to see people and entertain myself quite well.  I have always had the inner resources to do that, because I grew up mostly in rural places, where walking in the woods, or reading, or picking blackberries or biking to the river were the choices.  No movies, no structured social events, no shows or shopping.  I'm not lonely when I'm alone.

I wonder if my generation will be the last to be able to enjoy solitude and a vast amount of unstructured time?  It appears to be almost panic - these people on their Iphones texting desperately, keeping busy, "connecting".  Silence is just not bearable these days.  And there never is real silence, but you can't hear the sounds of nature if ear buds are blasting music, even great music, and there is a kind of insulation to the drone of television, Ipods, radios and the like.  Technology is separating us artificially from what sustains us.  What this means for the future I don't know and won't be around to witness.  But it makes no sense to give up resources and capacities that surround us and don't charge us for their use.  It's earth speaking.  We surely should listen.

Old Age Day by Day May 22, 2012

I went with a friend to see "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" and found it better than I expected.  There were really honest moments about aging, and the characters were more complex, probably because they were played by such able actors.  Yes, it was sentimental, but at the end of people's lives, sentiment plays a big part, it's natural.  I found myself feeling something for each of the characters. 

I just got off the phone with a dear friend who's been away and is now returned, and we had a heart felt conversation.  I really missed her and I'm happy to have her back.  We'll meet up Friday.  Today I'm glad to see the sunshine and looking forward to taking my foster granddaughter to the nearby rose gardens.  She's developed quite and interest in plants, and I want to encourage her. 

In the meantime, I'm reading Toni Morrison's "Home", which is beautiful and soulful so far.  She is a treasure, and I'm always delighted when in new book arrives.

Old Age Day by Day May 21, 2012

I've had a nice few days on my own, while my husband has been at our cabin.  These separations are good for me, because the routine is broken up a bit, and I can be more spontaneous, and I don't cook.  This morning I cleaned out the freezer, and discovered a lot of very old breads, waffles and the like, which somehow I always think we will eat and we never do.  Now that I'm watching my carbs, breads just sit in the refrigerator, until I fear for their freshness, then I freeze them, then they develop ice all over the ziplock bag, then I throw them out, despairing of figuring out how old they are.  This is not an efficient system. 

I recycled many old magazines as well, finally surrendering to the fact that I will never read certain articles, those kind where they would be educational, and I would be a more informed person, but I can't make myself sit down and plow through.  Today I'm okay with being uninformed.

Yesterday, my neighbor next door called and asked if I knew how to get her flashing hazard lights on her car to shut off.  I explained I am an idiot with that kind of thing and my husband was at the cabin, but came over anyhow.  And here's the thing:  I did find the button and shut them off as soon as I sat down in the driver's seat.  I was overwhelmed with my own expert technological capability.  I have new respect for myself.  And hopefully, my neighbor is now in total awe of me.

So, along with seeing a concert, a movie, having a Buddhist study group, seeing my teacher's dharma talk, having lunch and shopping with my daughter and dinner with my son, I have done these more important, life altering tasks.  Who knows what amazing thing I will do today!?  Certainly, not me.