Old Age Day by Day July 8, 2012

I'm off to my meditation and dharma talk.   My sane moments in days that often go by too quickly with too little thought or reflection.  I get my head screwed on straight, for a little while, at least.  Although, since I'm about to go off on retreat, I hopefully will remain somewhat upright for the next couple of weeks.  If enough effort on my part is made.  I am wearing a new turquoise roses scarf and somehow I feel quite nurtured wearing it.  It has some kind of power that appeals - perhaps the crocheting or the triangle of the material or that turquoise blue.  Anam Thubten calls it the turquoise sky that Tibetans look for in the clouds, as a kind of heaven.  Native Americans love it as well, and see it as healing, even more so that Buddhists, who view lapis lazuli in that light.  So my neck is wrapped in healing, it's draped round my shoulders, and hanging down to my heart.  How can I go wrong?

Old Age Day by Day July 7, 2012

My friend and I went out to lunch in one of those cities that is suburbia plus greed personified.  We decided to see what the new Neiman Marcus looked like, and so we strolled through, me figuring security would kick us out any minute for not having fat enough bank accounts.  Many handbags and dresses were over $1,000.  Little children's dresses were $185.  But there was a kind of pleasure in seeing it all, firstly, because the displays were beautiful, with great lighting and ample space between items.  Secondly, the leather was beautiful, the fabrics were amazing, and the architecture of the whole store dazzling.  It was a bit like being in a museum of textiles and sculptures.  The leather was so soft you wanted to swaddle it in a baby blanket.  So, though we had a nice little hit of the other world, and I can see that if you had a ton of money and wanted the best, the best would definitely give you some pleasure, no envy came up for me.  It was like visiting Mars.  I wouldn't really want to live there.

Then we settled down and went to Chico's where I bought long shorts and my friend a blouse, both for under $50, and then we hunted through DVDs at Barnes and Noble and came up with some bargains.  We had a fun afternoon, and I now know more than ever that all this luxury items thing is too pricey and too fleeting a buzz to be enjoyed by me.  I'm old and immune.  Besides, seeing upscale young shoppers in six inch heels, short shorts, and flowy fabrics over two tees produced in me an urge to giggle and no admiration.  What if there was a fire and they had to run?  Me - I was in my trusty walking sandals, stretchy jeans and a cotton shirt - I could survive, thank you very much!

Old Age Day by Day July 6, 2012

I've gotten digital photos of some ancient photos of my childhood friend.  She sent me her album with the Brownie photos, and now I've had them copied and will send the album back to her.  I feel just looking at what she put in her album and left out is interesting, at least as far as her state of mind as a teenager.  I see a lonely girl, whom I thought was miss popularity, and also a girl who's best friend was forced to move.  Her next best friend was forced to marry and move soon after.  A lot of loss, and it shows up in her face.  I also see a very happy me, and I can see that I had some kind of resilience that kept me going, despite losing all my friends and boyfriend.  I was altered, but not crushed.  That is a matter of luck, and adaptability from having to move a few times before the big move across the country and into the urban world I'd never known.  So, now, I kind of see how staying behind was worse, with all the reminders and none of the distractions.  I have more compassion now, and as a teenager, I just saw my friend as lucky to get to stay. 

She, too, has become resilient, but learned it later in life, through becoming a widow, moving to the midwest and raising a family, having her husband leave her at 50.  She's come into her own, and has friends everywhere she goes.  She's proud to be alone, make her own choices, visit her kids and many grandkids, kick back with friends.  I'm proud of her.  And me.  We done good.

Old Age Day by Day July 5, 2012

We could hear thundering fireworks for an hour last night, but were too lazy to drive anyplace to see.  I was hoping I could see them from the top of garage, but no.  We saw our little neighborhood parade, filled with kids and dogs and bikes following a flatbed truck with an band.  It seems like not that long ago we were parading with our daughter, but now we hardly know any of these young families.  Our dogs followed my husband in the midst of the racket.  I stayed on the wooded side observing.  It was like watching my past.

Then we went to a sci fi movie, Prometheus, and ate a barrel of popcorn, and came home, read, then watched a double feature Hitchcock, Shadow of a Doubt and North by Northwest.  We love the former movie because it was filmed in the neighborhood where our older son and daughter-in-law live, and because it was Hitchcock's favorite.  It's pretty scary.  I always love watching Joseph Cotton, he has such a complex face, so maleable, and he is the spitting image of my first boyfriend.  It's fun that he's the bad guy in this film, as he usually got the white hat role.  I love him in The Third Man and Magnificent Ambersons as well.  He's got a sweet face, but not entirely trustworthy, as if he's been too indulged and his moral compass might be easily swayed.  I can't think of a modern actor who compares.

So today I have to take my car in to fix the side mirror, which I broke FOR THE SECOND TIME, by hitting the same garbage can on a nearby street that is so narrow, if the can is in the street, I hit it.  The mirror is made of plastic as thin as a fast food soda cup, and I am disgusted.  I will never get this make of car again.  Oh, well, I have to have something to waste my money on.

Old Age Day by Day July 4, 2012

We went to see "Nixon in China" last night, and it was fabulous.  The music, the singers, the ideas, the costumes and sets, and terrific ballet as well.  I will be thinking about it for a long, long time.  When we got out it was closing on midnight and there was a full moon, and it was a gorgeous night.  Today it's hot and sunny just as it is supposed to be on the fourth.  We probably won't do anything much, but will enjoy the laziness.  A slow stroll will do, and maybe a movie.  We're having turkey hot dogs for dinner, just as we ought.

A baseball game would be even better, but that's okay.  I can read my book about a Cuban baseball agent to the likes of Orlando Cepeda and Willie Mays.  That should do it!

Old Age Day by Day July 3, 2012

I finished a wonderful book last night, "Snowman" about this plow horse who became a champion jumper in the late 1950's.  The story is so inspiring, and I was crying at the end, though he had a long and happy life.  A Dutch immigrant, Harry de Leyer, saved him from the slaughterhouse, buying him for $80.  His wife and kids fell in love with the horse, and Harry and Snowman were sympatico.  Without money or connections, Harry managed to enter Snowy in jumper competitions, where he became the darling of the press and then ordinary people everywhere.  He was the classic underdog, as was Harry, and they both had so much heart they overcame all the obstacles.  It was a joy to read.

Now I'm a little lost, as I always am after a great read.  Maybe now is the time to get those vacuum bags, go to the post office, and grocery store.  Darn!

Old Age Day by Day July 2, 2012

Today is our younger son's birthday.   We already celebrated but might have lunch together today as well.  Yesterday we dropped our older son off at the airport for a conference.  Tomorrow I'm dropping off our younger daughter for her trip with her boyfriend.  And in the midst of all this hustle and bustle, we were four hours at a memorial service yesterday for a dear friend who died a month ago.  The mix of feelings is overwhelming.  Plus, another friend's husband died and another has a new grandchild.  So I was emailing condolences and congratulations one after the other.  It feels as if everything speeds up at this time of life, and ultimately converges.

The only thing is to enjoy each day, and act as if it were my last.  I want to give every day my best effort.  Before my life is going, going, gone.