Old Age Day by Day April 8, 2013

Our younger daughter had her new IPhone stolen Saturday night.  They were slick about it.  They took it out of her purse which she was wearing.  She was upset naturally.  It feels like a violation.  I wasn't much help, as I was weeping when I came back from meditation.  I couldn't stop crying.  The same thing happened on Friday.  Either I have some hormonal shift or I'm going through some emotional changes.  I know I feel like I want to DO SOMETHING.  I just don't yet know what.  I am going to volunteer at the Buddhist temple.  I maybe need to go up to the cabin.  Get away.  I'm working through something.  It could be old sadness just resurfacing.  I'll know in time.  But it was a strange sensation not to be able to control the weeping.  I could have filled a lake with my tears.

One of the things that is happening with me is I'm feeling the feelings instead of trying to control them.  I'm hanging in with the storm.  After all, sadness doesn't wash me away, it just shakes me up a bit and then passes.  Everything changes.  I've always found that Buddhist principle comforting instead of terrifying.  Fear passes, sadness passes, directionlessness passes.  As do joy, laughter and contentment.  We're moving, alive, throbbing, full of light and energy, until we don't.  It's a blessing.

I called my best friend yesterday afternoon, and she had me laughing.  She KNOWS what I'm talking about and struggling with, and she helps ground me.  She is a blessing.

Old Age Day by Day April 7, 2013

April is a month of birthdays for our family.  My brother's birthday is the same day as my husband's mother's birthday.  His sister and my mother also have/had birthdays this month, and now our granddaughter does as well.  On Earth Day, a nice touch.  April seems like the essence of renewal to me.  And our weather is alternating between warm sunshine and spring rain, allowing the plants to perk up and blossom and deepen their shades of green.  The birds sound happy as well, and hearing them is a blessing.  We do no bird feeders, out of habit, maybe, because we had two cats for so many years, but we also had a birdfeeder with seed that got bad, and we worry about poisoning the birds.  The feeders would just encourage the squirrels, which are already abundant and totally at home in our yard.  And our birdhouses seem to have never been used.  We have no idea what plants attract birds, yet something, perhaps our many trees, keep them happy.  We have two bird baths in front, but they don't seem to be used either.  So grooming takes place elsewhere as well. 

I'm about to go to meditation, but I'll keep the bird songs in my ears. 

Old Age Day by Day April 6, 2013

It was 100% humidity all day yesterday.  We don't get that here.  It felt like rain, but it never did.  At least we did get a bit of rain this week, and supposedly will get some today or tomorrow.  The garden looks so much better right now.  It inspires me to work on it.  Or at least think about working on it.

I had lunch with a friend, at an Indian cafe, and indulged in chicken vindaloo with naan, my favorite.  Then we went to two shops on the other side of town, and looked at scarves and jewelry.  The one store had a 20% sale, which we lucked into, and we came home with colorful, cheerful scarves.  I love to happen upon things.  When I deliberately go to a sale, I have no luck.  And actually, I had to be flexible this time.  I wanted to see the one shop because my friend had found a wonderful stitched scarf from India there.  Those were of course all gone when I came, but I found some different scarves that I could see myself wearing.  I am five feet tall, so most scarves look like bed sheets on me, and I have no neck, so draping something around is tricky.  If I'm not careful, I find myself eating the scarf.  It's challenging for me to think scarf.  But yesterday I found one to go with my outfit for the wedding.  Scarves are a level of dressing that I don't get to normally.  I'm done after picking out earrings.  Never get to necklaces, bracelets or scarves.  It becomes too much effort, too much thinking.  But occasionally I try.  If there is something where I want to look extra nice, I figure it out the night before.  That helps.  And when I travel, I put things together a few days before I leave, add scarves and jewelry, and then am more likely to put it all on when I'm on the trip.  But basically, I'm your ten minute gal.  That includes brushing teeth, taking medicine, sunscreen, lip gloss, dress and plunk on the watch.  Elegance is not achieved by such means.

Old Age Day by Day April 5, 2013

Today is my brother's birthday.  He is 65.  I haven't spoken with him for thirteen years.  His choice.  I sent a birthday card, as always.  I know he is okay, because a couple of times a year he sends me a card, and when I send one to him it doesn't get returned.  He's had a hard life.  He was an alcoholic at sixteen and a non-function drunk until his mid thirties.  He was married once for less than a year, but as far as I know has not lived with a woman or married or had kids.  He's sober, as far as I know.  I understand that every day when he gets up he has to decide not to drink all over again.  I hope he has friends and fun times and a meaningful life.  He lives a long way away, and wants it that way.  I respect his choice to be unavailable, partially because he was always unavailable, secretive and unknowable.  I'm transparent, he's opaque.  When I think of him now I wish him well but feel nothing.  To me that is tragic.  I have no other siblings. 

He's taught me that thinking you can know another completely is a delusion.  I make great efforts to know myself, and am mostly unsuccessful.  He's taught me that life is complex, and different people need different lives to survive.  I don't judge him.  He's taught me that love must be worked at or it dissolves.  Relationship takes great effort.  He's taught me that I am my own protector.  And what protection means is individual.  He's taught me that knowing the one you love is safe in the world is enough.  You really can't ask for more.

Old Age Day by Day April 4, 2013

It's raining today, but we need it so badly that I'm cheerful enough.  We took one of our cars in this morning for service and the other goes in tomorrow.  There is satisfaction in doing these maintenance jobs and checking them off.  I talked to my granddaughter briefly last night, as she was stuffing a chocolate bunny into her mouth.  Her raptures over chocolate caused her to lose her focus, but she seems happy.  For her, house with two stepbrothers and a stepdad is a nice full family again.  When her daddy left there was diminishment, now life is busy and interesting.  She has her Dad and her Mom and a whole bunch of interesting new interactions.  And she is the complete social being, so it's got to feel good.  Plans are apace over the wedding in June.  We have our place with our younger two kids, we know the dates.  We are stopping at Costco for beverages for the reception/dinner.   Other plans are afoot, and our daughter is searching for her dress as we speak.  I'm relieved I already bought a simple tank dress and sweater shrug.  I'm set.  I can wear whatever shoes, scarf and jewelry when I know the colors.  I am not going to obsess about my outfit.  Or hair.  Or weight. 

I'm reading a book by Po Bronson about interviews with people seeking out what meaningful work to do in their lives.  You'd think I'd be too old to be interested, but I'm not, and it has caused me to reflect on my own choices and also meditate on what I might do next.  Not a job, but volunteering in one of the areas I'm passionate about.  And the people are interesting.  Their lives are complex and messy and yet they are all wanting work that is valuable and safe and makes sense for their circumstances.  Some switch careers many times, some not at all, others go back and pursue a dream from youth.  Some even begin their careers at retirement age.  It reminds me we are all different, and there are no formulas to a happy life.  It's trial and error and unique for each individual.

Old Age Day by Day April 3, 2013

I finished watching "Kind Hearted Woman" last night, staying up until midnight to do so.  My husband watched with me.  It's a touching look at one woman's struggles to reclaim her life and get past her childhood.  Her courage and determination is amazing to see.  It's hard to know what "honesty" is in a documentary like this, but a lot of it feels pretty transparent, and their willingness to be exposed both hindered and helped her build her life, I'm sure.  It's inspiring.

Otherwise I didn't do much yesterday, other than get groceries then realize I forgot salad stuff, so I had to ask my husband to walk down to our nearby grocery for those things.  We had lentil soup, and it was tasty.  I haven't made it in a while.  Adding tomato paste really singed it up.

My modem is still acting up, but I'm waiting to see if I need to buy a new one or something else is going on.  Patience.  The roofing foreman came by yesterday and moved our TV antenna a bit, then noticed some stuff not finished up on the roof, so we're not ready for inspection.  Patience.  Things will get done when they get done, or look like they are.  With the house, it's just a process.  The paint is always chipping, the cracks spreading, the floors getting scratched, the windows need cleaning.  Nothing is ever DONE.  I get that.

Old Age Day by Day April 2 2013

Well, my modem is acting up, but I'm going to try this anyway, since I've been gone for a few days for our 39th wedding anniversary, and I need to get back in my routine.  We had a great time.  We were staying just four hours away, but it felt farther, and our weather was good.  We had some nice meals and a terrific room, and saw some sights and did some walking.  The second day we walked around a small lake at this park nearby where we were staying, and watched many people casting on the grass.  There were fly fishing instructors, and there were hoops and targets for the students.  It was mighty strange, to see the lines waving and dipping in the air, and not a drop of water around.

Another strange thing was a group of people yelling late at night, pounding on the door next to ours, screaming at someone inside.  We could hear every word, and finally my husband called the front desk and they sent some guy to talk these people down.  We'd seen them having drinks at the pool a few hours earlier, so I believe they were smashed and their language was even worse than at the pool.  The hotel guy asked for their IDs and finally got them to shut up.  We were staying at a very upscale place, but might as well have been at a dive somewhere.  But by midnight we'd gotten to sleep, so it was no biggie.

So I've done my laundry, gone to the grocery store, read old newspapers, picked up the dogs and am back to my ordinary life.  For which I am very, very grateful.