Old Age Day by Day June 20, 2013

Today is my granddaughter's birthday.  She's eight.  I hope to drive over and give her her presents.  We returned yesterday afternoon at four after ten days away.  Wow, it's been a hectic time.  First I had jury duty for a week, then my cousin and the older kids' half brother visited, then we were gone ten days, seeing our friend on the way up and back to our older daughter's wedding.  That went well.  It was a beautiful ceremony, their vows were touching and heartfelt, the weather was sunny, the family and friends joyous.  We had a good time with our granddaughter and kids and the older kids' stepmom and her son.  I felt we gave it our all, from helping out whenever possible, entertaining our granddaughter, making or d'oeuves, talking to people and getting to know new in-laws.  Our daughter and her husband are so in love, and it's wonderful to see that.

Yes, we sang at the rehearsal dinner.  We sang "Sandy Beach of Hawaii", just me, the stepmom, my daughter-in-law, our younger daughter and our granddaughter.  Actually, our daughter's boyfriend chimed in, too.  Then I sang "Book of Love" alone, as no one else would venture.

  I was so touched when my daughter asked me to read at the ceremony, a beautiful quote from Rudolf Steiner.  And I gave the blessing I had written for them after the ceremony.  I felt like I'd made right effort and put the best of me forward to honor them.

My husband and I were pleased with our behavior and contributions, and happy it had all gone so smoothly.  I hope the couple feels the same.

Old Age Day by Day June 8, 2013

We pick up our two older kids' brother at the airport this afternoon.  He is a delightful human being, and very smart and funny.  I'm really looking forward to the visit.  We're having dinner at home, but as it is so warm, we'll be able to eat outside, and I love that.  Tomorrow is open, so we'll come up with a plan together, and that night we go to relatives for dinner.  Then off to our daughter's wedding, so I won't be blogging for a couple of weeks.  Imagine me laughing, singing, dancing and playing with small toys and you will have the picture.  We'll also be seeing my best friend, and a close friend on the way up, so what's not to like? 

Old Age Day by Day June 7, 2013

My granddaughter and I had a relaxed time together.  First we ate at her favorite cafe, where she surprised me by ordering a cheeseburger instead of her usual grilled cheese, and she wanted a root beer instead of apple juice.  We then checked out the cats at the pet store, and browsed in the toy store.  At home we drew and looked at ideas for making a cloth dog.  Then it was time to go home, as she had softball practice.  She's growing up, there's no denying it, and we have talks.  She's fun to be with, and, as we are being more careful of Mom's rules, more accomodating.  She tests, but she respects the boundaries. 

Today I do some shopping, and maybe sweep up the steps.  It's endless, this gardener business, but I still feel it looks as good as it did when we had a real one.  I may change my mind later.

Old Age Day by Day June 6, 2013

We had a lovely time with my cousin, his wife and her brother and two sisters.  The weather was perfect, and they enjoyed seeing the gardens.  It was good to catch up, and be with people who come from where my family is from, and are so intelligent and nice.  I promised to come there soon, and I believe I mean it.  We bought two plants that we'd loved in the gardens, and are going to attempt to grow them in our yard here.  One is called Pocketbook, and is bright yellow gold clusters of flowers that look like purses for fairies.  The other is a Smoke Bush, which has deep, eggplant colored leaves and a misty spray of lighter pinkish flowers.  I hope we don't kill them.  My cousin and I compared plants we have killed, especially orchids, bonsais and steghorn ferns.  Evidently, a black thumb runs in the family.  Not exactly a point of pride, but misery loves company.

I got a call from my daughter, and it sounds like the wedding is shaping up and she seems calm and immensely happy.  It's sweet.  In four days we head up there for the festivities.

Old Age Day by Day June 4, 2013

I really loved the documentary we saw yesterday, "Stories We Tell", directed by Sarah Polley.  It's intelligent, multilayered and insightful.  There is much to muse upon after.  I saw it with a friend and her friend, and we were equally enthusiastic.  Polley was in "The Sweet Hereafter", and directed "Life After Her", a near perfect film.  But this film is haunting and complex, and reveals as much in the director's choices as it does in the narratives.  Ten thumbs up or whatever.

I had a good walk with my friend, and a good talk with my therapist. 

One of the things we discussed in therapy was a reoccurring dream I have.  In it my parents and I have been estranged (no kidding, they've been dead for 26 years) and I feel guilty.  They live in a house mostly gray, and unrecognizable from the real one.  My mother is either dead or not, depending on which version I dream that night, and my father is distant emotionally.  We have not gathered for holidays and I have not seen them in many months.  There is no sense of a "break", I have just chosen not to keep up with them, but I do feel bad.  I feel the distance between us acutely.

So much of my life has now gone on without them.  They've missed so many events and milestones, as has my first husband, the father of my older two kids.  He's been gone even longer, 29 years.  My therapist thinks the upcoming wedding is bringing this loss back to me.  It makes sense.  But there is also the gradual not thinking about them as much, and at the same time my kids not thinking about me as much (healthy as it is) and the everpresent mortality issue.  I think I'm just trying to get used to it:  this final dissolving of the self, and fading away into memory and eventually beyond remembrance.  I see it.  I am aware.

Old Age Day by Day May 3, 2013

I had a relaxing day yesterday, going to meditation, then having lunch with my husband before he left for the cabin, then shopping with our younger daughter.  We had fun, and I completed my list for gifts for the trip.  Then I watched a movie with the dogs, while I ate my salad.  Today is busy, with a dog walk with a friend, then therapy, then a movie with another friend.  I look forward to it all.  And tomorrow I will pack up my bags for the trip, so plans are coming along.  However, there are still too many shoes, so I've got to decide, or just take the whole closet full.

The weather is cheerful, and birds are singing all around.  The crows must have business elsewhere.  I hear one of my dogs rummaging through the brush for tiny green apples, which they eat and then get the runs.  Oh, joy. 

Old Age Day by Day June 1, 2013

Is it June?  Is it summer?  Feels like it.  I love this weather.  Last night I saw my granddaughter perform two pieces at her piano recital.  One she had composed herself.  She was great, and looked adorable in the dress we shopped for together.  Boy, did going to the recital bring back memories of my kids and all their performances.  Although this time there was no tension, because I am not the mother.  I don't feel responsible for any of it.  I gave her flowers, and she was obviously pleased with herself.  It's a blessing to be able to share this joy.  I wish I was closer to my granddaughter up north.  So many little things I miss, but hopefully some of them I'll be able to fly up to attend. 

I collected a lot of clothes for my trip last night, strewed them out all over the guest room bed, and am attempting to organize what I need to take.  I have other things to gather as well, like books and piano music for my granddaughter, and odds and ends.  I enjoy this organizing, and I also like the search through my closet.  Surprising items always turn up:  clothes I'd forgotten I owned, strange underwear that needs dumping, scarves that need wearing.  I spent a lot of time looking for my red belt, then found it where I'd already searched before.  I must winnow down my number of shoes.  Mighty willpower is required for that task.  But I'm up to it.