Old Age Day by Day October 16, 2013

There was a beautiful moon lighting up the night sky last evening.  Somehow it did not translate into calm and peacefulness, because when I went to bed a wave of fear washed over me:  the debt crisis, the 5 earthquakes two miles away from the night before (were they building up to anything and why hadn't I bought lots of gallons of water?), the pain from the flu and shingles shot, the pains in my side and chest, would the visit with my daughter go okay or would I drive her nuts as usual.  I managed to get to sleep despite my very overactive mind, and this morning I feel better.  Nothing has changed about the worries, but it's sunny out and I washed my hair and I feel better.  All this mind stuff is a wave that washes over me, and the transcience of it is beginning to dawn on me.  I have a visualization I do that really helps:  I'm in a plane above the clouds and I can see the earth below the moving and changing clouds.  My thoughts are those clouds, and below is the astoundingly beautiful earth and I stretch one arm down to touch the earth and one arm up beyond the plane to the universe, and the clouds don't matter.  This image comforts me.

Okay, now you think I've really lost it!

Old Age Day by Day October 15, 2013

Yesterday I received an email saying our older two children's stepmom's father had died.  He was such a dear, dear man.  He was 93.  He was funny, brilliant, charming and such a gentleman.  He got to die at home, and with his beloved wife by his side.  It was a lovely way to go, and hospice made it smooth and gentle.  Hospice is such an amazing aid to people.  Their compassion, skills and professionalism are awe inspiring.  This was in Ireland, and yet they are being buddhas everywhere. 

I know I was so grateful my Dad could die at home.  He loved his house, his garden, and he was able to wake up in the morning, and lie on the sofa looking out on the garden he'd designed as he died.  He was eased into that transition in familiar and loved surroundings.  I'm glad this father and grandfather could do so as well.

I've sent flowers and cards.  We won't be flying over, as we are going to see our daughter in two days.  But my heart is there with them.  What a gift it has been to grow to love my first husband's widow and all her delightful family.  I adore her parents and her brother, his wife and kids.  They've widened our circle of love and connection and made my life better and happier.  I'm lucky.

Old Age Day by Day October 14, 2013

I'm up early and it's nippy out, but I actually had a really good sleep, and feel more human today.  I had a bath last night, snuggled in bed, and read a mystery.  Today is brilliant sun, coupled with the crisp air and fall leaves.  I can hear the crows fussing, and it's good to know someone is leading a gay social life.  I'm fascinated by crows:  their intelligence, their social constructs, even their size and glossy black beauty.  I think it's the Indian in me.

My older two children's stepmom's father died yesterday.  I was sad to hear it.  He was an absolutely delightful, witty man, and so gracious.  His three children take after him.  He left behind his wife of his whole life, and it must be so difficult for her.  His sense of adventurousness was wonderful, and he and his wife traveled far and wide, into their nineties.  He was a dear man, and the world is a poorer place without him.

Old Age Day by Day October 13, 2013

I hardly slept last night.  We watched the movie "Amadeus" and perhaps Mozart's music or the story or something disturbed me.  I was amazed I stayed awake at meditation this morning.  Then I shopped for while, all the time running on fumes.  I hope I sleep well tonight.  For the first time (we own the movie, so we've seen it a few times) I got why F. Murray Abraham won the Oscar instead of Tom Hulce.  I could see that it was Abraham's show, really, and he made it work.  Hearing snippets of Don Giovanni, The Marriage of Figaro and The Magic Flute was sublime.  What a complete entertainment1

My husband took the dogs to the cabin for a day or two.  He was back and forth so many times about going that he nearly drove me crazy.  Since we are leaving Thursday to see our daughter, I couldn't imagine why he'd go, when he needed to get a haircut, pack and figure out a few things.  But his mind is a deeply mysterious thing, and living with him for four decades has not illuminated it much.  He had some kind of call to nature, I guess.

Tomorrow I'm getting my flu and shingles shot.  It's time.  I don't want to be caught unprepared.  At least, this way I'll be caught unprepared about something else.

Old Age Day by Day October 12, 2013

My foster granddaughter and I had a lot of fun looking at Halloween decorations and picking out pumpkins.  We each got a sort of bluish pumpkin/gourd and bright white perfect little pumpkins, and I got an orange one with a crazy stem and a squash that looked like a giant acorn.  She got one with green stripes, a couple of tiny orange ones and one more traditional pumpkin.  There were two baby pigs, two baby goats and six ducks as well.  We then went to our favorite ice cream parlour and she had the grilled cheese and onion rings and I the turkey blt.  The highlight there was her scoop of swiss milk chocolate ice cream.

Then in the afternoon we went with our younger daughter to see "Gravity", which was amazingly good, and a beautiful metaphor of life as well.  Sandra Bullock was wonderful.  We then went to a pizza place and discussed the movie and the late lamented A's season. 

In between all this I was reading "Joseph Anton", which is so gripping and well written.  Salman Rushdie exposes himself warts and all, and his courage with this book mirrors his determination not to pretend something to get out of the fatwa.  What an astounding story!

Old Age Day by Day October 11, 2013

Well, our team lost.  No more playoffs, no World Series.  We watched the game at our daughter's house, and it was a glum experience.  As Yogi Berra would say, "Deja vu all over again".  Sigh.  Tonight the three of us are seeing "Gravity".  Something to distract us.  Now comes the movie season where there are grown up films vying for the Oscars, and so lots to see.  I've already liked "Rush", "Museum Hours" and "Enough Said", so I'm off to a good start.  I also want to see "Captain Phillips". 

I'm off this morning to take my foster granddaughter to a pumpkin patch and then lunch.  She has the day off school for some unknown reason.  We will choose pumpkins and also a couple of Halloween decorations, as is our custom.  They also have live animals like chickens, goats and pigs, so we have fun.  Halloween is great holiday, in my book.  Costumes are always a good idea, and pumpkins are amazing.  The goblins, witches and other folk are fascinating to kids, as a representation of the fears we all have and struggle with.  And for one night, we can be the thing we fear.  Very sound psychologically.

Old Age Day by Day October 10, 2013

Another crisp fall day.  How great it is to eat again!  However, I must watch my calories from now on.  The minute I don't the weight creeps up.  I don't have sugar or breads, but for me at my age it takes a lot more abstinence that that.  I virtuously had a yogurt shake this morning, and am having salad for lunch, but gee, can't a girl have any fun? 

My car is getting fixed, so I have to use my husband's car, which makes me nervous and him even more nervous.  Cars are getting a lot of emotional mileage these days, what with road rage rampant and expensive parking tickets and people running people off the road and bicyclists giving the finger and pedestrians glaring and honking the new pastime.  Who knew a metal object could be so stressful?

Of course, today I'm mostly stressed by my team's baseball game, which will determine if they go on in the playoffs.  It's in the back of my mind all the time.  I know it doesn't matter in the important scheme of things, but still.  A girl can't help hoping for a World Series, can she?