Old Age Day by Day November 22, 2010

This is the last day before our week long trip, and I have all those details stirring around in my head like the sugarplums the night before Christmas. It's going to be really cold, so I've been hunting up clothing, and searching for batteries for flashlights, and we spent yesterday at lunch wondering whether we should buy chains for the car. So, of course, last night I woke up in the wee hours and could not get back to sleep. When I finally did I had a nightmare. Why does it seem there are so many things to do to get away? Because there are.

My guilt about leaving the dogs is warring with my excitement at seeing our granddaughter and being with the whole family. I bounce from wondering if I should bring another book for her, to wanting to be sure the dogs have walks at the kennel. I'm a yoyo with the string wound too tight or all tangled up.

When we get on the road, I'll settle down, because I'll have done all I can, and what has been forgotten was not really important, and most things can be fixed by a stop at Walgreens. And I'll be sleepy on the ride, and curious about the landscape and grateful for the goodness of my kids and their generosity.

But for now, I'm a wind up toy bumping into walls.

Old Age Day by Day November 21, 2010

Early evening yesterday a stupendous thunderstorm hit our area with much lightening, thunder, buckets of rain, and generally all the drama of grand opera. I was in a small cottage with other chorus members trying to rehearse when it hit. I felt frightened and vulnerable, and trapped. There were windows all around and the floor was vibrating. I used to live in Colorado, but it's been a long time, and my nerves were not prepared. Then I drove a chorus member home, and accidentally ended up on the freeway, whereupon I promptly hit a wall of water in my lane. Thankfully, the car plowed through, but I knew I had no control. Powerless. Another little reminder.

Then it cleared up, we went to a nearby cafe for dinner, and I calmed down. Okay, I had one glass of prosecco, which helped. It was cosy and warm in the restaurant, I was surrounded by other people, and life went on. Except that shakiness has lingered a bit. My body is on a a high alert. I can feel it.

We're about to take a trip to our daughter's house for Thanksgiving, and there may be rain and snow, and though I don't have to be body searched, it is a lot of driving and unknowns. Somehow last night made the risk palpable, and I am reminded to be careful and aware on our trip. I can see why ancient peoples saw such storms as signs from the gods. Without strong shelter, electricity and news, the whole experience would have symbolized something vast. Maybe it still does. I know the earth is suffering from our abuse of the planet, and such fierce weather is likely to become more the norm. It's almost as if Mother Nature is very, very angry.

And when she is, we are still often helpless. We can turn on the weather, but we can't shut it off.

Old Age Day by Day November 19, 2010

I stayed after rehearsal last night with some others to practice more, as our director was unhappy with our progress on the songs. I worked hard, and my back is bothering me today, and in a way, if I leave my ego out of it, I don't really care about our performance at all. I just love learning songs that I can sing to myself or my granddaughter. I like the process, not the product. I also am too old to worry about what the director thinks of me. By my own standards, I've learned a lot, sound good most of the time, and am off book for all but one Spanish song. I love practicing with the recording on my computer, and I adore the people in the chorus. That's it for me.

The director has to worry about how she looks as director of us. She feels she will be mortified. Then she should cancel the concert and wait until June, when we will have mastered the songs. We are grown ups, we can take it. But I think she is afraid of losing some chorus members or us not getting "our money's worth". She's torn, and disappointed and maybe even angry. These are her problems, not mine.

My job is right effort towards the concert, and yet, for me, the middle way in all things. I am not clinging to the concert, with nebulous expectations. I am in the present, grateful for learning these songs, the camraderie of the chorus members, the passion of the director, the daily pleasure of practicing and singing. In our culture, that is a bad attitude, but in my life, it leads to equanimity.

Old Age Day by Day November 18, 2010

My daughter informed me of a wonderful, delightful thing yesterday - one of our oldies but goodies radio stations has begun with the Christmas music. Let the season begin! I may have trouble with the decorations before Halloween, and the forty seven catalogues in my mailbox each day, but I can never get enough of Christmas carols. I drive my husband insane, and thus, often, the wise thing to do is listen in the car when I'm by myself. This prevents my husband from committing an act it might regret or be severely punished for.

Now, when I go out into the world seeking groceries or stamps or dog food, I can cheer myself up and belt out songs to my heart's content. And no CD's necessary (I am of the generation where putting in a CD while driving is a terrorizing act to the roadways). Yes, I could plug in an IPod, but only if I possessed one.

So Joy to the World, and you better not pout or Santa's going to find out who's naughty or nice.

Old Age Day by Day November 17, 2010

Well, another huge distraction from the economy and the war in Afganistan - Prince William is getting married! Now, for the rest of my life, there will be news flashes at the checkout counters, covers of Kate for eternity, an industry arising to analyze her every move and look. It wasn't just Princess Diana who was hounded, so were we all. And it's a teensy tiny bit difficult to be happy for her. Him, maybe, he's got an ally and a female presence he has been missing. But her? What a deadly life! It's like life in prison without parole.

Oh, well, there are benefits, if one likes attention and expensive babbles. I don't, so I can't see the sunny side.

And she will never be able to do what Greta Garbo did, just leave it all. They would hunt her down. It's a different era now, with no pretense at respecting privacy. We're all over exposed, and have no secrets. Not protecting each other leads to an inability to protect ourselves. We are in a culture that does not teach us we have a right to say no. Invasion of the body snatchers has already happened, but just as in the movies, nobody has noticed, and nobody can fight it.

Old Age Day by Day November 16, 2010

One of our dogs is in an inner tube. She looks like a dog about to go for a swim, but with a disgusted expression on her face. We now think she got sap on her butt, which caused chewing, which caused bleeding, which caused scabs, and, since she was about to bury herself in the back yard, I raced out and found this tube thing at a pet store, and she's been in it 24/7 for over two weeks. Who knew it took so long for a butt to heal?

The cone was a disaster, because she couldn't get in or out of the car, or up the brick steps in back to our yard, or drink water out of her dish or eat. She looked like Little Bo Peep turning into a werewolf.

I wouldn't call the tube sophisticated, but at least it looks kind of like she's a lifeguard at the beach, except for the lack of sand and water.

Would she restrain herself from chewing if the tube was off? Can a zebra will itself to be a solid color?

So, every time I look at her I feel guilty, she has those eyes, and I also have the urge to laugh. She is not amused.

Old Age Day by Day November 15, 2010

I've been reading a book about Cahokia, the great ancient Native American city around St. Louis, Missouri. It makes me want to visit, and see the ruins and what has been excavated, even though most of the huge mounds have eroded or been removed. It was a site like Teothihuacan outside Mexico City, but during the Eisenhower years freeways and subdivisions were built over a lot of it. Americans think they have to get on a plane to see ancient ruins, but Mesa Verde, Chaco Canyon, Canyon de Chelly, and many other sites are still preserved in the Southwest, due to dryness and lack of aggressive development, as is the case in Egypt I feel there has been subconscious vested interest in not seeing Native peoples here as having anything cultural to offer, because they the guilt of their decimation is lessened.

But we have these treasures in our own backyard, and we often don't respect our own history. History here didn't begin in the 1700's, it began over 10,000 years ago.