Old Age Day by Day April 30, 2011

The tornadoes in the Midwest and South are disturbing, and they cut a swath through places I have lived. Most of my relatives are in Missouri, and I lived as a child in Alabama and Virginia. My friend's daughter lives in Atlanta. Like an earthquake, there is not enough time to go anywhere else. You can only hunker down. In a moment, everything you own is wiped away. The pictures are eerily like the ones in Japan. As the character Jeff Goldblum plays in Jurassic Park II says, "Mommy's very angry". Mother Nature has her tough side, and she rules.

It seems like we have a basic need to pretend we're in control of our lives, even though logically we know differently. These events shake our foundations, and remind us that life is fragile and ephemeral. Even the Royal Wedding yesterday reminded us of beauty and romance being taken suddenly and without rectification. There was no happily ever after for Princess Diana, and her legendary beauty was snuffed out at it's height, in an instant, in an underground tunnel at night. There are no promises made to us. And none we can keep if fate denies us. So I try to treasure each day, appreciate being alive, and enjoy my blessings. Yes, this means my grumpiness is over for now.

Old Age Day by Day April 29, 2011

I was really grumpy yesterday. Nothing exactly went WRONG, but I was irritated and had a bright pink face. Then at bedtime, I realized that my neighbor had died Tuesday, and I'd learned that my dear friend's brother was dying, and yet I'd been busy and not really allowed myself to focus on those sad events. I wrote a letter to my friend's brother, and who knows what to say and how to say it. I'm trying to absorb the news, but it seems to mainly be manifesting in paranoia about the skin cancer I had on my arm, and a feeling that I am prey and something is about to jump out at me from behind a bush. If death is the predator, then I am far from alone, but I feel this heightened flight response from deep in my body. It's plain old scary.

I will attempt to have a quiet weekend, and see if my feelings can settle down in my body. I will let myself feel sad. I will remember I don't know what the future holds for myself or anyone else. So all I can do is keep my connections current and healthy, and my mind kind to myself and my fears. I am not alone.

Old Age Day by Day April 28, 2011

Yesterday I worked on a baby quilt at a friend's house. It has nests, birds and eggs in the various fabrics. It's fun to work with and couldn't be more springlike. Sewing with friends feeds the hunger for continuity we all possess. At the same time we were sewing, we were sharing our feelings about our neighbor who had died the day before of melanoma. I said it seemed strange to think of him dying in the spring, but my friend thought it must have been comforting to him. Seasons and change. We resist or long for both. It is our struggle on the planet.

The door to the studio is open, and I can hear birds. The dogs are sunning themselves on the dirt outside. It's day to treasure.

Old Age Day by Day April 27, 2011

I watched the old movie "Lost Horizon" last night. I'd vaguely remembered it from television when I was a kid. I used to love Ronald Coleman's voice. I was especially adoring of "Tale of Two Cities" and "Prisoner of Zenda", which conformed to my Victor Hugo/Alexandre Dumas romance/adventure and FRENCH teenage sensibilities. I realized the irony when I began the movie: I've always had a love of Eastern spirituality, but I'd forgotten this film is set in Tibet. There is a "High Lama" and Coleman's character becomes enchanted with the philosophy and way of life in this isolated culture. Not unlike myself. The sad thing is parts of the film have disintegrated over time, and in certain scenes you get the soundtrack but only still pictures on the screen. It points out the importance of preservation of film. Certainly, this film was a part of my childhood and many other people, and its points are as wise today as way back then. Coleman is a British diplomat who is tired of the world of war and aggression. He is looking for something to believe in.

I highly recommend this film. It is so representative of the ennui between the two World Wars, and the search for some other way to get along on the planet.

Old Age Day by Day April 26, 2011

I saw a wonderful film Sunday with a friend - "Certified Copy". My favorite actress alive is Juliette Binoche, and she was amazing in this film, directed by an Iranian and filmed in Tuscany. It's a European film, spoken in three languages:English, Italian and French. So lots of subtitles. It's slow and meandering, and seductive for that reason. When the plot begins to surprise us, we are jolted alert, and after that, attend to every word uttered by the actors. And the film, seemingly about a day in the countryside of two strangers, becomes enlarged and enlarged until it seems a complete allegory. It's about marriage, the differences between men and women and how they see their world, and about time and change. Along the way are discussions about art and originals and copies, and other intellectual ideas that become grounded by human feelings and subjectivity.

I adored it. I can't wait to see it again, and I've thought about marriage, and how it changes, and how we seek ourselves as we were at the beginning, but nothing stays the same. I've learned from this film, something that informs my own personal life, but also something that connects me to the wishes and dreams of all humans everywhere.

Old Age Day by Day April 25, 2011

Someone tried to steal the catalytic converter on our car. They tried to saw it off, but couldn't get it entirely disconnected. A few weeks ago, someone tired to break into our garage. So the car in in the shop and we have a new lock on the garage door. It's disconcerting. There is enough noise on our street that it's hard to pick out what is going on and whether to go down and check on sounds. But the big problem is that for five years, the people on that side next door have lived elsewhere, and we have no live human neighbors. And I lot of people seem to have figured that out. I wish they'd sell the house or rent it, but no. They leave it empty. It's frustrating.

The car is in our driveway, off the street, but we can't put it in our garage, which is filled with other vehicles and junk. My neighbors get cars stolen, and there is a high level of that kind of crime. I'd have to move out of my urban setting to feel somewhat safe, but where? My friends and community is here, and I'm too old to start over. We just have to be careful. But it puts a damper on a day that is drizzly and dreary, where we're contemplating whether to walk the dogs now or hope for a dryer spell later in the day. No biggie, but, as I said, disconcerting.

Old Age Day by Day April 24, 2011

I can hear children yelling and searching for eggs in neighboring yards, but here we are quiet. My husband suggested we hide eggs from the dogs, but I decided it was unwise. I love the spring parts of Easter - the flowers, baskets, bunnies, chicks, but those are for small ones. We will eat lunch with our grown daughter and then go to a movie. It is a holiday celebrating a miracle, and the mystery of it is deeply appealing to me. I used to love sunrise service, and the coconut cake my mother made with a dyed green coconut nest, jelly bean eggs and a couple of fuzzy yellow chicks in the icing. Coconut cake is still my absolute favorite. I also admit to an addiction to Cadbury eggs at one time. I loved the cream center looking like an egg yolk, and one of those suckers would sit in my belly for a gratifyingly long time. Now I don't have sugar, so what's the fun? Although I have seen marshmellow peeps that are sugar free. And marshmellow is another food group I miss.

So today will be about imagining my granddaughters with their baskets hunting in their back yards, and being grateful for them and my family and the sounds of joy from the neighborhood. It's great to be alive and hearing the new with these old ears.