I'm more rested today and ready to face my therapist, and my husband's last day of work. Our two sons and I are taking him out to dinner. All the other kids are away. I think he's so exhausted he will need the rest of the summer just to orient himself. It will be interesting to see how he structures his time and what he chooses to do. I didn't really retire, as my daughter became and ill, and after she was better, which took several years, I just never went back to teaching. I have not missed it, I must say. I think I was a good teacher, but I felt the time had come to be a student again, and I've loved the shift. I grew up in rural areas, where we had to entertain ourselves. I was often by myself, walking in the woods, biking to the river, reading. I still love to read, listen to music, write, see art, knit, sew, do collages, visit friends, take myself to lunch and a movie. The time flies, and it feels wonderful to have more control over my days. I also love to travel, but haven't done as much of that in recent years. Perhaps now that my husband is retired, we will take trips, and I will feel freer to travel on my own.
My friend's visit has made me realize I have people to see and places I could be, and it would be fun. But, home or away, retirement agrees with me.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Old Age Day by Day June 29, 2011
My childhood friend leaves today after a week's visit. We have been talking up a storm. The reconnection was instant and deep. I'm so happy it has gone so well, and we are caught up and ready to meet again. It had been 45 years since she was out here. How time flies!
We had torrents of rain yesterday, and today is gloomy and wet looking, though no rain yet. All we're going to do is have brunch and then drive to the airport. Tomorrow is my husband's last day at work. Then Saturday is our younger son's birthday. So the last few days have been eventful and the next few as well. Big doings!
We had torrents of rain yesterday, and today is gloomy and wet looking, though no rain yet. All we're going to do is have brunch and then drive to the airport. Tomorrow is my husband's last day at work. Then Saturday is our younger son's birthday. So the last few days have been eventful and the next few as well. Big doings!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Old Age Day by Day June 22, 2011
The story about old age by Elizabeth Berg is called "Over the Hill and Into the Woods". It is complex, beautiful, sad and hopeful. It has that ring of truth, hard truth, that is rarely found. I'm reading the Billy Collins book, and the poems are honest and true as well. But I also was outside a lot yesterday, on a perfect day. My younger daughter, foster granddaughter and I ate outside at a nice restaurant in a beautiful hotel, and we had a view of the bay and bridges. Then we walked around a small lake and fed the ducks. We took the new six year old home, and went shoe shopping. My daughter bought these terrific blue sandals, and I was proud of myself for deciding I had enough shoes, in the end, after being tempted by two pairs of black sandals. My restraint these days is Herculean.
Today I hope to see one friend and talk to another on the phone, before picking up my childhood friend at the airport. But first, grocery shopping.
Today I hope to see one friend and talk to another on the phone, before picking up my childhood friend at the airport. But first, grocery shopping.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Old Age Day by Day June 21, 2011
I'm already sweating! It's great! Summer, and on the solstice! I'm wearing a sleeveless dress and sandals. Today my daughter and I are taking my foster granddaughter out to lunch for her birthday at a big hotel. I think she will enjoy it. Then, after she's dropped off, we're shopping for shoes. A totally girlie day, eh, what?
I'm reading a terrific book of short stories by Elizabeth Berg - "The Day I Ate Whatever I Wanted". There is a story in there that epitomizes the conflict of feelings about growing old. It knocked the socks off me. I also bought the new Billy Collins poetry book, and a book of essays by Paula Fox, one of my favorite contemporary writers. So I have a feast of literature.
Tomorrow my friend arrives. I have to vacuum and grocery shop, but I'm feeling ready for whatever comes. It will be interesting. She's more or less a stranger at this point, but we have ancient history together. I feel like that was another life and I was another person. But I guess this will give me the ability to see who that child was. Not that I will take what my friend says at face value, but it may cause me to have a window into that life. I feel I've been multiple people and there have been endless transformations. But what is steady? That is the hard question to answer. For me, as a Buddhist, the answer is nothing, except my connection to all life, and my part in that huge cycle. I'm grounded from my interconnectedness, not from some definition of myself. I'm a part of something, and as Buddhists says, I'm in the river, a part of it, flowing to the sea, but there is no way to tell which drop is me.
I'm reading a terrific book of short stories by Elizabeth Berg - "The Day I Ate Whatever I Wanted". There is a story in there that epitomizes the conflict of feelings about growing old. It knocked the socks off me. I also bought the new Billy Collins poetry book, and a book of essays by Paula Fox, one of my favorite contemporary writers. So I have a feast of literature.
Tomorrow my friend arrives. I have to vacuum and grocery shop, but I'm feeling ready for whatever comes. It will be interesting. She's more or less a stranger at this point, but we have ancient history together. I feel like that was another life and I was another person. But I guess this will give me the ability to see who that child was. Not that I will take what my friend says at face value, but it may cause me to have a window into that life. I feel I've been multiple people and there have been endless transformations. But what is steady? That is the hard question to answer. For me, as a Buddhist, the answer is nothing, except my connection to all life, and my part in that huge cycle. I'm grounded from my interconnectedness, not from some definition of myself. I'm a part of something, and as Buddhists says, I'm in the river, a part of it, flowing to the sea, but there is no way to tell which drop is me.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Old Age Day by Day June 20, 2011
I've been out buying a birthday present for my foster granddaughter. Today she is six. I ended up with Playmobil and a magic trick set. I was going to get her soccer goals, but she, so far, seems totally uninterested. I don't want to push it, because that won't help her mom convince her to join a team. Only having girl friends who are joining will work. I have no power over that.
Well, be careful what you wish for! It's downright hot today, and looks to be all week. So all the warnings I gave my childhood friend who is coming to visit may be wrong. Usually people freeze here. Oh, well, I can't control the weather or much of anything else, I notice. Yesterday, for Father's Day we drove to where our older son and his wife live, and it was super hot. We walked around a lake, had ice cream and then a barbeque back at their place. It was true summer. And my baseball team is winning games, so I have to hit the ball park soon.
I'm loving his weather, so I'm going to go back out in it right now!
Well, be careful what you wish for! It's downright hot today, and looks to be all week. So all the warnings I gave my childhood friend who is coming to visit may be wrong. Usually people freeze here. Oh, well, I can't control the weather or much of anything else, I notice. Yesterday, for Father's Day we drove to where our older son and his wife live, and it was super hot. We walked around a lake, had ice cream and then a barbeque back at their place. It was true summer. And my baseball team is winning games, so I have to hit the ball park soon.
I'm loving his weather, so I'm going to go back out in it right now!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Old Age Day by Day June 19, 2011
It's Father's Day, and per our tradition, I served my husband breakfast in bed. The kids used to take part, but now it's just me. He does the same for me on Mother's Day. Of course, I make the better meal, but I'm the pro. We're going for a hike later and having a barbeque at our older son's house. It's a summery day, so perfect for our plans. I have to think of my first husband, the father of my older two kids, and how he is absent and has been so for long. Twenty seven years, to be exact. And he hadn't seen them in many years before that. Yet absence it is. I'd wish him here if I could. He'd be proud of them, and proud of my husband and me for our raising and loving of them. But what do I know of him and how he would have changed? I know he picked a terrific second wife, and his son from that marriage is a dear heart. But what would have happened to him? It is unknowable. His memory is certainly alive in all of us.
And what of my husband, who has had to play second fiddle to that memory yet take on all the responsibility? Stepdads are unsung heroes. He loves the older two as much as the younger two. He took them on from the very beginning of our relationship. In our marriage ceremony he vowed to love and honor them as well. All his mistakes and faults have been magnified, while the "real" father lives on, idealized, immutable, and a symbol for whatever purpose. The dead are with us always, and we never cease our mourning, but those of us who struggle on must appreciate ourselves for what we do quietly and well. Honor and persist.
And what of my husband, who has had to play second fiddle to that memory yet take on all the responsibility? Stepdads are unsung heroes. He loves the older two as much as the younger two. He took them on from the very beginning of our relationship. In our marriage ceremony he vowed to love and honor them as well. All his mistakes and faults have been magnified, while the "real" father lives on, idealized, immutable, and a symbol for whatever purpose. The dead are with us always, and we never cease our mourning, but those of us who struggle on must appreciate ourselves for what we do quietly and well. Honor and persist.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Old Age Day by Day June 18, 2011
It just goes to show you are never too old! Last night I went with my daughter and her boyfriend and his dad to see Y'ousou N'Dour and stood and danced the whole time. I didn't know I had it in me! It was so fun. It was a huge theater and there was such an inclusive atmosphere and so many people from Africa there that it felt like the United Nations enclave. Before the concert, we went to a nearby pub and had beer and hamburgers. But for dessert everyone but me shared "Bacon, Eggs and Toast", which was this bread pudding dessert in a ceramic cup that had chunks of bread, chocolate, bacon and an egg on top! It wasn't sweet, and my taste was amazing. It was the strangest dessert I've ever tried!
The opening act was Angelique Doro, and she was terrific. She had a bunch of women on stage dancing with her. Her message was peace and love and we all felt it. I love the drums and percussion in African music. It's like feeling and hearing your own heartbeat. I won't forget the night, and will play the songs at home, probably dancing with the dogs. Today seems pragmatic, but last night was magic.
The opening act was Angelique Doro, and she was terrific. She had a bunch of women on stage dancing with her. Her message was peace and love and we all felt it. I love the drums and percussion in African music. It's like feeling and hearing your own heartbeat. I won't forget the night, and will play the songs at home, probably dancing with the dogs. Today seems pragmatic, but last night was magic.
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