Old Age Day by Day July 31, 2011

Last Day of the Month! Summer is whizzing by, and I can only hope we have an Indian summer later. This has been a cool and overcast weekend morning and evening, and it is hard to think summer, much less act like it. We went to warmer climes yesterday to walk the dogs, but even there it was coolish, and we had jackets and wore jeans and shoes and socks. The rest of the nation is frying, but we are defying the calendar. I refuse to buy sandals, even on sale, because I just don't get to wear them enough around here. I can't be tricked any more.

I'm reading a book about Henry James' years in Paris. The author sees a strong influence of Flaubert on James. It's fun being reminded of my James blowout. When I was living in Fiji I had one library where I could check out books. There were no bookstores in those days. So, though I might have settled for something more mundane, I ended up, out of desperation, reading all of Henry James works and also those of Dickens. I adored both writers, and Maisie and Hyacinth and other characters were embedded for life. I learned a lot about myself and my world through these ancients. I must say, perhaps Dickens is my favorite author to this day, though my favorite book is by another writer. But James, convoluted, mysterious, and overbearing as he is, writes so beautifully, and with such psychological acuity, that he is a delight. He's humorous, but for wit and cleverness Dickens is the best. And Dickens always tears the heart, in a way that James does not. It stays cerebral with James.

Maybe I'll reread James when I finish this book. I think I'd begin with Princess Cassimassima, and go from there.

Old Age Day by Day July 30, 2011

It's going to be an overcast weekend here, and I'm regretting not being up at the cabin, but I go on a trip to see a friend next Wednesday, so it's too much back and forth for me. I feel restless, and want to do something, but can't think what. Of course, I could study Spanish, or work on music, and read or do a hundred other things, so what I really want is to do something with other people. But it's so last minute that people are busy - I tried last night. I try to be spontaneous, and do something WHEN I ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE IT - but few of my friends are built that way. They are into heavy duty planning. Oh, well, something will turn up and in the meantime, maybe I'll break down and walk the dogs with my husband. It's just - doing that is so deja vu!

As I'm complaining, I can see to my right a lot of sewing projects half completed. I'm not saying I'm going to do it, but there they are, ready for some due diligence on my part. Oh, dear, if the fabric could talk to me, and make a joke or two, I'd be set! Except then they'd cart me off for observation.

Well, back to the drawing board. This weekend must be attacked, and I'm going to do it!

Old Age Day by Day July 29, 2011

Heard today that an old friend and neighbor is struggling with an infection, on top of his gallant fight with cancer. They're in another state, and I feel helpless to do much to help. In the midst of beautiful weather and summer, suffering and fear are also with us. My instinct is to gather my loved ones around me, and luckily for me, the family will be together in about three weeks. Treasure every moment, I tell myself.

In the meantime, I want to see "Cowboys and Aliens", and go to Target and walk the dogs. Because we balance, balance, forever we are in the midst of the swirl of the profound and the mundane. We are dancing, dancing, dancing, and crying, crying, crying. We are alive.

Old Age Day by Day July 28, 2011

Against all my better instincts I went to see Harry Potter with my husband, and surprised myself by liking it better than I expected. I am not a fan of the books or movies, in fact, they act as a kind of sleeping pill for me, but this one wasn't so bad. Then we had lunch at two pm and acted like the decadent seniors we are. It's delightful to break up the routine and eat a big meal in the middle of the day, and eat light in the evening.

We are both cleaning out our closets, and that feels great too. Getting organized, or at least the illusion of it. Now, if I can cleaning out my writing space. However, I'm too tired right now just thinking about it to begin. Maybe tomorrow.

Old Age Day by Day July 27, 2011

My retreat was wonderful, very peaceful, with just one other person and I sitting, walking, sharing the time keeper job and making meals together. Because of the lack of churning emotions that one feels during a silent retreat, we atuned ourselves to each other, and a lot of the intensity was missing. I could see my reactions very clearly, and I wasn't distracted by my usual empathy overload. The lack of dharma talks made me think for myself about the topic of expectations, and come up with what the idea meant to me. We did have hour long interviews with the teacher the last two days, so I was able to address some concerns and listen to some good, pragmatic advice. But basically, we were the teachers for ourselves, and, as our teacher often reminds us: Everything is our teacher. I learned some profound lessons from pruning a rose bush, and attempting water colors, and swimming in the pool. We did the tai chi practice Eight Pieces of Brocade morning and evening, and chanted the Discourse on Lovingkindness or the Sharing of Blessings before we retired at night.

So now I am back in the "real world", and I see that there are tragedies across the globe, from Norway to Somalia, and perhaps here, if our representatives cannot find a compromise plan for the debt. I wish all beings could experience what I was privileged to experience, and try to make kindness and generosity part of their everyday lives. I can only pray for them to see the world as interchangeable and interdependent, and not let their lesser selves rule. But they are caught up in this wheel of life, seeing nothing as it really is, and they suffer so because of it.

Old Age Day by Day July 20, 2011

My husband and I had an incredibly silly fight over a missing bolt for our granddaughter's adaronack chair at the cabin. I had put it in my purse, so we could get another one the same size, and somehow it fell out when I was taking things in and out of my purse. My husband was mad, I got mad, we yelled, we didn't speak, we calmed down, we became reasonable. There definitely may be more of this ahead, as he's home and we have the luxury of blowing up little things. I hope not. Marriage is filled with little irritations, annoyance at habits, and the tipping point over small, inconsequential details. We're pretty good at behaving well. We never call each other names, or cross certain big, important lines, but we are two human beings in one house, and it's just plain tricky.

Now I have a retreat, so we get some space from each other, and we will appreciate each other more, so neither of us is really worried. We know how to retreat to fight another day. We call each other on stuff, and the other listens. We treat each other with respect, and with the understanding that our base is steady and true.

But I wish he'd stop rattling his change in his pocket and he probably wishes I'd give him a break and not talk so much on the phone. In other words, we know just how to irritate each other.

Old Age Day by Day July 19, 2011

Tomorrow I leave on retreat, so I'm packing and grocery shopping and trying to remember what I forgot. Once there, there is no leaving or talking, so I'll have to live with what I brought. It is amazing, however, about how the obsession with food drops away when I'm on retreat. Away from the subtle pressures of culture, I don't worry about what to eat, or feel hungry, or not enjoy what is before me. It's freeing.

I hope this time to draw a bit and tackle watercolors again, and also write about what is happening. I will do this the old fashioned way, with a pencil and pen on paper. It's good to switch from computer and keyboard every so often. I remember when that was all I did, and then typed with carbons if I wanted to save anything. There is something about the act of crossing out - drawing a line through something I've written, that is powerful. Erasing has its effect also.

So maybe one last burger before I go. It's me and the nuts and veggies at retreat. Squirrel time.