Old Age Day by Day February 29, 2012

I'm way over "Tree of Life" not getting best picture.  Sure I am.  I'm overly mature.  But it has been frustrating that most of my friends hated it, my kids, and I have had only one person willing to talk about the film.  Nobody seems to know what it is about, there is a lot of whispering and silence (What about "The Artist" - talk about silent) and they don't get the dinosaurs.  I admit it's not a perfect film, but what it is saying is that the primodial forest and the modern skyscrapered city are not so far apart.  Life is still a struggle, and we move between our reptilian brains and violence and insensitivity to complex consciousness and back again.  The struggle is within ourselves.  Mallick is also attempting to dissolve time, so that there is a sense of life all happening at once, rather than on a continnum.  And there is so much compassion in the movie for all of us human beings: for parents, for children, for the cruel things we do, the impulsive hurts we inflict, the ways we mean to show love but instead reveal our wounds.  His compassion is for all equally. 

I'm sure, over time, people will come back to this movie, and it will be discussed and shown and kept alive.  After all, "2001" didn't win the Oscar either.

Old Age Day by Day February 27, 2012

I just received 12 photos of my granddaughter by her dad, who is a talented photographer.  They are relaxed and charming, with her walking along, fooling with her umbrella and mugging in some.  She's as photogenic as both her parents, and my heart pulls a little bit each time I look at one.  Photos are powerful, and there is a magic to it.  I wish I could figure out this digital/computer stuff better so I could send photos.  If I could grab one of my kids long enough...

In two days I'll see her, and I'm getting excited.  I haven't seen her in two months and that is hard for me.  Today I'm going with a friend to see the dog and cat shelter where she volunteers, so hopefully I'll have some stories to tell for the granddaughter.  The thing is to get in and out of there without a new pet!

Old Age Day by Day February 25, 2012

I'm afraid I've been reviewing my life, never a good idea.  Worrying about choices or paths is irrelevant, unless I learn something from the process.  But I've done all the worrying the law allows, and now I'm just churning up guilt and responsibility about things over which I have no control.  I'm miserable, but it's a cosy kind of misery, very familiar and comfortable.  I have this delusion that comes and goes:  that I can fix other people's lives.  I have the rescuer complex.  My Buddhist teacher made me buy a toy ambulance and put it up on blocks.  Out of commission.  But the temptation is still alluring.  I don't like to witness other people's suffering.  I have trouble sitting with it and not jumping up, running around and busy myself being thoughtful. 

A friend of ours is dying.  Not the first.  But I feel wretched.  Nobody deserves this kind of suffering, and it is part of living, but nevertheless so hard to bear.  I feel helpless, useless, and boy, do I hate that feeling.  When my kids have problems I want to come out of my corner like a boxer ready to kill.  Yet, these are adults, and my days as an activist mother are over.  They have to face the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune on their own.  Yes, I can listen if they choose to talk, maybe even give some perspective or advice, but it's their ballgame, their park, their world.  I have no power to protect them.  I just hate that.  I have trouble accepting the obvious.

So.  Letting go.  Trusting that others know what they are doing and will ask for help if they need it.  Knowing I don't really have any solutions or brilliant ideas.  Just loving them and being here on earth as a witness.  Wow.  It's hard.  And it's the right thing to do.

Old Age Day by Day February 25, 2012

We're going to celebrate our daughter-in-law's birthday tonight.  I have a cake to bring and we have reservations, so we're all set.  She's been a part of our life for a lot of years now, and we love her dearly.  If only her husband, our son was around as well, but he will be home soon, in a couple of weeks.  Gee, these birthdays fly upon us these days.  Next thing I know it will be our granddaughter's birthday!  Lots of reasons to celebrate the people we love.  Birthdays are my favorite, because you are saying you are so glad they were born and live in this amazing world and that you are touched by them.  You recapture some of that joy of the birth of a baby - the miraculous addition that changes your life forever.  It's an occasion for deep gratitude.

Old Age Day by Day February 24, 2012

I was reading in the newspaper this morning about a man who has walked 30,000 miles with a sign that says "LOVE LIFE".  His only son committed suicide and his daughter died of a drug overdose.  Before she died she asked him why he hadn't conveyed to his kids how to appreciate life.  He took it to heart.  I think of all the parents who believe their kids need an iphone or lessons or name brand clothes.  The parents who push success and popularity instead of showing, not telling, their kids that life is precious and there are so many joys that can sustain us:  music, walking, animals, friends, dancing, reading, doodling, napping, watching birds and planting flowers, seeing the ocean or lake and observing clouds in the sky.  We have access to these simple joys every day of our lives, and they don't require money or special skills or looks. 

Kids sometimes see their parents as pressured and unhappy and afraid or angry.  They don't get to see laughter or being bemused at making a mistake or the rapture of a beautiful day or walking the dog.  They don't see the parents' hearts or souls, they see them working and getting mad at politics and watching TV, as if that was a panacea.  It takes real effort to take "time out", and yet, that may be the most important example we can show them.  My heart goes out to this father, and his brave attempt to point the way to meaningful life.

Old Age Day by Day February 12, 2012

My husband and younger daughter returned from their trip yesterday afternoon and clearly had a great time.  They brought me a Navajo rug, in the storm pattern, which is gorgeous.  The pictures look great and I think they had a lot of fun.  I remember several trips to the Grand Canyon as a child, and several more as an adult, and each time felt amazement and joy.  Once, when I was a child, we were heading to the North Rim in winter (you could stay there in those days, but not anymore) and the car in front of us hit a deer.  It was snowing and the roads were icy and they spin around and we did too and the dropoff to the left was into the canyon.  Somehow neither car went off the edge, and the next day, as we left the lodge, we saw a navy blue car with blood all over the hood, and even as young as I was, I knew we'd been lucky.  It was so glorious to be in a white winter wilderness, and look down into the blazing heat of the valley below.  A few years ago, our older daughter and we took the train from Williams through the snow to the South Rim.  And I've camped at the North Rim for a week at a time, afraid the kids would lean over at the lookout points and having firm grips on their arms.  It's a powerful experience, and I'm glad the fourth kid has finally taken a look at it.  It feels like the heart of America to me.

Old Age Day by Day February 22, 2012

My foster granddaughter and I had a good time yesterday.  That is, after her mom phoned me because the school called and said I hadn't picked her up!  I'd been planning on it in the morning, but then I did errands, had lunch, finished my book, took a nap and was about to do my exercise video when I got the call.  She was waiting patiently in the office, and luckily, she had a plan - to go to our favorite nursery and look at plants.  So I apologized to everyone profusely, and stopped to get her gelato, and then we picked out hyacinth and pansies, and went home and planted them, then got some books at my nearby bookstore (seven houses away), and read and played Uno.  She has learned to shuffle pretty well between last week and this week.  I loved it that she wanted to look at flowers, and feel proud of the fact that I've been taking her to the nursery since she was a tiny tuppie. 

Then I drove her back home and heated two flatbread sandwiches and watched the PBS American Experience on Clinton.  No news there, and the basic mystery is still intact - how did he compartmentalize himself so successfully that he didn't think all these affairs would bring him down, or nearly down?  It's embarrassing again to see him get a crush on a 21 year old girl.  It is a tragedy.  I wonder if Kennedy would have been brought down the same way, if he had lived.  But the fact that he got away with it may have made Clinton think he would be protected as President.  Yes, it wasn't an impeachable offense, but it was mortifying for his family and the country.  Yet, we see this story over and over with high officials who believe they are beyond judgment or consequences.  The show got one thing abundantly right:  when you need everyone to love you, you are lost from yourself.  His abandonment as a child hung on him like a drowning cloak.