Old Age Day by Day March 30, 2012

We're off this morning for our anniversary weekend getaway.  It's overcast, threatening rain, just as it traditionally is on our anniversary.  This may be heavy symbolism, but I prefer to think of it as an unwise decision of the time of the year to marry.  Of course, we're both impulsive enough that not much planning went into the day, date or anything else.  We were moving to a new town and parked outside the flat we'd just rented and my husband said we should get married, and a month later, we were.  There were 17 people at the wedding, including my two toddlers and our friends two toddlers.  We had a reception in my parents' back yard, and I wore a bridesmaid's dress I'd found for forty dollars in Macy's.  The food came from a deli and we picked out the clothes, cake and everything on the Saturday before.  I wore a dotted swiss old fashioned Austen kind of dress with pink and green flowers and a pink hat with a green ribbon.  My husband rented a tux.  We found the gold band at Target.  We had no honeymoon, because we were worried about leaving the kids, they were so young and confused about the whole enterprise.  We wanted to begin our new life in our new town married, and we did.  It happened to be spring, and although it was sprinkling on and off that day, we managed to have pictures under my parents' cherry tree and not much sogginess.  We had not considered that the next day would be April Fool's Day, but I kind of like that idea.  What is marriage?  A lot of surprises.  It took us 16 years to have a honeymoon, and by then we had two more kids.  A friend took care of our younger two, as we had taken care of hers, and we flew to Paris and Nice.  It was magical, and our tiny hotel was next to the Chanel Boutique, and every morning we glided by models in black smoking.  Very strange and wonderful.  The cliche "life is what happens when we're busy making plans" is too true.

Old Age Day by Day March 29, 2012

I just finished a strange book by Richard Powers, called "Generousity".  It is a novel, but circles around the idea of what happiness is, for us humans.  But it tackles how much of our disposition is genetic, how much environment, and how much is our own will.  It's pretty gripping.  I will be thinking about it for a long time.  Of course, the definition of happiness is key, and if the cultural definition is all we grab onto, then we're going to sink like a stone.  But if happiness is a moment to moment awareness of the preciousness of life, and joy in aliveness, we can have quite a bit of that if we are lucky enough to not be burdened with a chemical imbalance.  When we were watching the PBS film on Jefferson, I thought of the phrase "Pursuit of Happiness" and how it has been interpreted.  The emphasis should be on pursuit, and not happiness.  Because maybe some people feel they'll be happy rampaging with a rifle, and others exploiting small children.  How do you guarantee pursuit?  Perhaps you attempt to equalize opportunity and avoid the class system, or leave people free to make their own choices where possible.  But could the Founding Fathers have imagined the world we live in and its pursuits?  I doubt it. 

I'd have liked to have seen a Declaration of Independence that acknowledged prominently the interdependence of human beings, and respect for all life.  I believe the Constitution struggled to describe that world, but was not specific enough.  So we go around in this country with the myth of independence, and the posturing, and the destructive results of that posturing.  Which gets back to generousity of spirit, and communal will.  I'd like to see more pursuit of that.

Old Age Day by Day March 28, 2012

I forgot to put in my tooth guard last night, so probably I've cracked ten teeth.  Even ingrained habits can be broken.  I didn't even notice I hadn't put it in.  No, I did not have a glass of wine or anything alcoholic last night.  I maybe was too engrossed in my ear being plugged up.  It's driving me crazy.  I'm talking too loudly and can't hear well.  It's quite amazing how these little ordinary glitches annoy, like bees buzzing.  I've got plenty to distract me today.  I'm having lunch with a friend and need to go to the store, and think about packing for our three day trip.  Then there is filtering through the news which gets in my brain whether I read the paper or watch the news or not.  How to process all the murders and corruption and violence and drones and dangerous nuclear reactors.  Answer:  I can't.  I listen to music and read selectively and leave the rest.  I can't take it all in, I can't answer all appeals or write letters to every group or even be well informed without an effort that would drown out the rest of my life.  I pray for everyone and leave it at that.

This attitude may be escapist, but it keeps my teeth from being ground down to nubs and me having to sip meals through a straw.  The world can't be completely let in; there need to be dams and hydrolic devices to keep the flooding at bay.  The trick is to get the balance right.

Old Age Day by Day March 27, 2012

I'm in the world of uploading software updates, and it's challenging.  Even with my older son's help, I struggle.  Oh, well, the old brain can only handle so much at a time, and so can my internet provider.  In the meantime, I began writing something yesterday that pleases me, and makes me smile.  Where will it go?  I never have any idea.  It could be a short story if it had a plot.  So maybe I'll think of plots, but not in a bad way.  I tried watching "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy" last night and was admitedly bored, so I stopped it.  It's great acting, but so dreary and time dated that seeing it a second time, I wonder if it is too accurate for a a gray, cold war period.  If it hadn't been for Benedict Cumberbatch, it might be an unbearable movie.  He manages to be amusing and lighten up every scene he's in.

So I switched to the old movie "Julia" with Fonda and Redgrave, and just watching Redgrave's face made up for the whole movie, which is boring when she's not there.  What an amazing face.  I remember when she won the supporting Oscar, and gave an impassioned plea for Palestine.  So maybe it wasn't such great acting, playing Julia, but her incandescence made her extraordinary on screen.  Meryl Streep has a small role, dark haired and bitchy.  It was fun to see her before she had a name. 

So I guess I'll continue to write this nebulous piece I began, and see if it takes on a life of it's own.  I like the narrator, anyway.

Old Age Day by Day March 26, 2012

I feel changes on the horizon.  Maybe it's spring, but I feel like traveling, and writing, and trying something new.  So now the question is what.  This week we're going away for 3 days and midApril we'll be away 10 days.  I'm ready.  There really is an effect of the winter months, and all it takes is the days getting longer and the light longer in the evenings, and I'm energized.  I wrote two poems the other day, and it felt so good.  I've already made a big shift, finding a new Buddhist teacher, since my teacher for many years is gearing down and retiring more.  I feel supported anew, and that brings back the joy of being on a path, a path I trust will serve me well and allow me to be kind to myself and others.  And there is so much joy in my heart lately, even when I am feeling sad or worried or confused.  Because everyday joy is available to me through all of the ups and downs we all experience.  The flowering dogwood, tulip trees pink against the sky, the dogs snoozing on the couch, laughing with a friend over something dumb one of us has done.  It's all good.

Old Age Day by Day March 25, 2012

I danced my butt off last night at my friend's 60th birthday party.  It was great fun.  I love to dance, but never get the chance, and even though my husband didn't want to, I had plenty of women friends to dance with.  I felt and good shape and healthy and glad to be among friends.  Today I went to meditation and my teacher's dharma talk, and the experience was like putting bookends to my life.  On one end, my dear friends and family, and on the other, my spiritual practice.  They hold me up, elevate me, even.  And boy do I need elevating.  I used to be 5 ' tall, but I lost an inch this year.  The incredible shrinking old lady.  Well, old or not, I can still boogie to motown pretty damn good!

Old Age Day by Day March 24, 2012

Today is my friend's 60th birthday.  She's having a big bash with a ton of people.  I'm all in favor of celebrating these milestones.  I have a red dress and I am steppin' out tonight.

In the meantime, it's raining and a mountain of laundry is awaiting, and the ordinary moments are clustering around waiting for some attention.  I need to get a birthday card and some other cards.  Yes, I'm that old that I still like to send a regular card through the mail.  I have yet to do Evites and that sort of thing.  I'm fine if someone else does, it just is not me.  So much of my life has carried the import of letters and handwriting and notes.  I've saved almost everything ever written in the last quarter century.  Yes, some day I'll sort through and get rid of a lot, as none of my kids would be remotely interested.  But I'm waiting for an auspicious occasion and the right containers to seal up these voices from the past.  Now people have videos and Facebook.  I respect that.  I'm just not of that age.

So tonight I'm going dancing, and 60 is sounding younger and younger, and celebration is perfect for my friend.  She will see all the people and family who love her, and she has a great partner, so life is good for her.  And she knows it.