Old Age Day by Day April 30, 2012

I had a mammogram and bone density test this morning.  Fun city.  There is always the unknown permeating the waiting room - a sidebar of fear.  We are all in it together, but some of us will be called back and will not be off the hook for a year.  Being female, being older, being human.  Vulnerability makes us united, for brief moments, with strangers.

I spent the time during the mammogram chatting with the technician about mystery books.  She gave me a recommendation and I had one for her.  In this way we showed there were no hard feelings.  We were in a small room together, I was half naked, she had to twist my breasts like pretzels, and it was understood that everyone meant well, no harm done.  And the bigger mystery of our bodies was avoided.

Now I'm going to run errands, go shopping with my son, and figure out what to make for dinner.  And I'll appreciate every ordinary, mindless task.  I had a brush with mystery this morning, and I won't forget it until the results come in.

Old Age Day by Day April 29, 2012

I've got a headache, very rare for me.  I even took two aspirin.  I sat outside with a friend after meditation in the noonday sun without a hat - not too smart.  Other than fried brain, I feel good, it's a beautiful day, and I had a beef hot dog for lunch for the first time in years.  It tasted delicious, smothered in mustard and red onions.  Now my mouth is burning and I wouldn't dare breathe on anyone, but it was worth it.  I had a good talk with my friend.  She is my swim buddy for our Buddhist practice, and her advice and guidance is a special part of my life.  Today's dharma talk was about awareness, and I'm beginning to understand and recognize it when it happens moment to moment.  I notice the thought patterns and ego of my mind, but there is a detachment from any investment in them.  I feel permission to notice without judgment or disturbance.  Underneath, I listen and look and observe and live without past or future intruding.  It's the ultimate freedom.

So I may go lie down for a while, as I'm noticing the headache, and the noise from the pool next door and my husband clearing his throat and a bird singing and the dogs basking in the sun and the movement of wind in the trees and the keys of the computer tapping.  It's all good.

Old Age Day by Day April 28, 2012

April is almost over, and we're having summery weather, and a bunch of new plants have popped up in the garden, mainly irises.  What a nice welcome home!  I had a lovely time on our trip, seeing friends and our daughter and granddaughter.  But it's always good to get back.  I have a lot of preparation to do for our younger daughter's MA graduation, and that is a happy task indeed.  Plus, cleaning, buying more dog food, groceries and decorations.  I slip into these tasks with some comfort, as they are so familiar to me. 

Our granddaughter had an overly exciting birthday, overwhelmed by the gifts, the lead up to the party, and the friends, and she handled everything well, joyous at the running around in the back yard and the cake.  She needed nothing more, really.  Her mother made two luscious cakes, chocolate for the birthday girl, and vanilla with pink frosting for those less adventurous.  Her daddy made the ice cream, and it was a great day for ice cream, as it was around 80 degrees.  Next day was her little celebration at school, with fresh raspberries, pretzels and carrot sticks, and it was sweet to witness that as well.  I'm lucky to be a part of her joy, and it is sustaining.

At my age, I appreciate every ritual and benchmark.  Each reminds me of others, and that I won't be here for many more.  A fourth birthday party is a treasure for my heart.

Old Age Day by Day April 18, 2012

I have a thing for elephants.  Thus, I have been given elephant tea towels, elephant purses, elephant scarves, elephant earrings; you get the idea.  Where this comes from I have no idea.  Maybe seeing "Dumbo" as a kid, or my fascination with India, which predates marrying a man of South Asian origins.  I gravitate towards them in the zoo, and am, at the same time, tortured by their lack of space and loneliness.  When I was in India and our rickshaw passed an elephant slauntering down the street, I felt dropped into a magical world.  And like the bear, which is my totem, these creatures are huge, and dangerous.  They are being pushed and squeezed out by people, and they need SPACE.  They are threatened.  Is all this a mirror of my own psychology?  Do I feel like a large underdog?  I doubt it, but something resonates, and I respect that.

I'm connected.  And if I'm connected to elephants, then, heck I figure I'm connected to every living thing, and our crowded world, and our shrinking habitat and our need to KEEP IN OUR FAMILY GROUPS.  The elephants show us we have certain basic needs, and they haven't evolved.  We still need food, shelter, safe habitat, social relationships, family, and to be free from being hunted down and killed.  And a lot of us on this planet, human and other, are not safeguarded our basic rights.  Trayvon was one of us.

Old Age Day by Day April 15, 2012

My foster granddaughter's dog had to be put to sleep.  I know she's going to miss him.  We were talking about him on Thursday and I was trying to explain about dog years and human years.  The dog was her Dad's, who has been dead six years.  So there is another link gone, but luckily, she has a great new stepdad and they have a baby on the way.  So there is much to be joyful about.  And she unlike most young kids has already had a tremendous loss in her life.  I'm glad I have the dogs here for her to bungle with.  And I'm grateful we have the kind of relationship where we talk about the big issues, even though she is six and I am sixty six. 

I'll call her later, and we'll talk.  That's what friends do.

Old Age Day by Day April 13, 2012

Well, well, well.  Friday the Thirteenth, again.  We had quite the dramatic thunderstorms last night, and I had visions of our cedar trees coming down on top of the house, but there was no damage, and the rapids of waters have receded and all is calm and bright.  I don't remember ever having such thunder and lightning around here, though I remember it in other states as a child and as an adult in Colorado.  Today is the beginning of a warming up and sunny skies, so I'm cheerful about the weekend.  In the meantime, perhaps a bit of housecleaning and organizing before we leave next week on our trip. 

Yesterday I had a lovely day with my foster granddaughter.  We played Uno and Hearts for two hours, went out to lunch at our favorite ice cream parlour, then saw a matinee of "The Secret World of Arriety".  The animation was gorgeous, and the story from the children's books "The Borrowers".  We also gardened and worked on felt birds for mobiles for her and the coming baby.  I won't see her for couple of weeks now, and I felt a pang about it.  We still laugh a lot and I notice my husband is around us more and more, attempting to amuse her.  She's just a delightful little being. 

So my gratitude far outweighs the ominous date, and I'm looking forward to a lovely weekend.

Old Age Day by Day April 11, 2012

I visited my friend and her granddaughter today.  The baby is beautiful, happy and active.  It was delightful to be around her.  I brought her a stuffed elephant and nursery rhyme book.  We gazed at her antics on a quilt on the floor.  She can turn over, scoot and get up on her knees.  She has quite the smile.  She took a nap and we even got more talk in than I expected.  I'm so pleased to see my friend enjoying this precious child and being with her 3 days a week.  And I'm happy her daughter has the reassurance of knowing her baby is lovingly cared for while she works.  And now I can walk up the hill and visit and get a baby hit whenever I want!

Tomorrow I have my foster granddaughter, and I have museum plans and lunch plans and maybe a matinee as well.  At almost seven, she is quite the companion and enthusiastic to get out and about.  And I enjoy her company so much.