Yesterday, after finding out about a joyous birth, I heard that our dear friend died two days before. It was expected, as he had lung cancer and had lived beyond what anyone hoped, but still, a bright light has gone out in our lives. And he had so many plans, wanted to live and travel and enjoy his house in the woods. He fiercely loved life. He had a passionate, close relationship with his wife, and after so many years, from youth on, they remained in love, not just loving. It was a blessing to see them together. She tended him with the utmost care and kindness, and he was able to die at home, surrounded by his woods, his dog, his family, his memories.
And I knew this coming, but am never prepared. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. The impulse is to help, but really, right now, his widow is just processing her feelings, surrounded by family, trying to plan a memorial in a month or so. There are only prayers and blessings and wishing ease and as little detail planning as possible, so she can feel what she feels. They were such a couple, and now, she will go on, but it's a new, unfamiliar path, and it will be hard.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Old Age Day by Day May 30, 2012
Yesterday, my foster granddaughter and I had stopped for frozen yogurt, shopped for a birthday dress for her, and were on the way to the rose garden when her dad called, saying her mom was in labor. We were screaming in the car and turned around and headed for her home. And last night just before midnight, her baby sister was born, all 9 lbs, 11oz and 22 " of her. I'm so thrilled for them. My granddaughter was hoping for a sister and now she's here. Her mom was a trooper, and had the natural childbirth she wished.
What touched me most was my granddaughter saying how perfect it was that I was with her to tell her the news. And when I left her house, she insisted on a big hug and kiss. I do so feel loved. When a family opens their hearts to someone in the way this family has, I cannot help but see a grace and affirmation of humanity in their generousity. It's one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
What touched me most was my granddaughter saying how perfect it was that I was with her to tell her the news. And when I left her house, she insisted on a big hug and kiss. I do so feel loved. When a family opens their hearts to someone in the way this family has, I cannot help but see a grace and affirmation of humanity in their generousity. It's one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Old Age Day by Day May 29, 2012
Some friends of ours have are visiting in two weeks. I'm excited, because I haven't seen them in a long time. Their daughter lives nearby, and that is pulling them here. I've never even met their son, who is eighteen. These are friends from graduate school, so it was long enough ago that I had a flash that I would look strikingly old to them. We have gray hair, wrinkles, the whole shebang, and they are maybe in their early fifties. Short of getting emergency cosmetic surgery, there's not much I can do to soften the blow. Oh, well, this is down side of people not seeing you frequently. The shock is great when the real thing is before you. I don't see any of this as an obstacle, but I am very self conscious this week about my age. First, the young woman giving me her seat on the train, then the senior discount offered when I didn't ask, then the mirror, now I'm seeing myself as I am now, and I guess I'm not so comfortable in my own saggy skin. I'd love to be beyond these petty concerns, but that would take a brain transplant.
Then I get on the scale and I'm five pounds up, so no more carbs for me. They've been slipping back in my meals while I wasn't looking - well, okay, I put them there. Back to salads and imagining myself as an impala or some other graceful grazing animal on the plain. No more thinking like a lion about hamburgers. And it wouldn't hurt to run or at least walk fast, as if I was that impala with a lion after me. It's a jungle out there, if you're my age and watching your diet.
Then I get on the scale and I'm five pounds up, so no more carbs for me. They've been slipping back in my meals while I wasn't looking - well, okay, I put them there. Back to salads and imagining myself as an impala or some other graceful grazing animal on the plain. No more thinking like a lion about hamburgers. And it wouldn't hurt to run or at least walk fast, as if I was that impala with a lion after me. It's a jungle out there, if you're my age and watching your diet.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Old Age Day by Day May 28, 2012
Yesterday, a young woman offered me a seat on the train. Oh, dear. I am old! And then, when there were huge boomings from fireworks last night, I couldn't make the effort to go outside and stand on the roof of the garage to see them. Today, I'm disappointed in myself. The pictures in the newspaper make me regret my lethargy. On the good side, my daughter and I saw a great art exhibit, one I'd like to go back and see again. It was exciting and inspiring, with many new artists. So I ain't dead yet, I guess.
Today we have no plans, and it's overcast and dreary, but perhaps we will figure out something to do. If we have enough energy. This retirement thing can be dangerous, like a permanent rainy day where you don't go out. It feels cosy, but then you get lazy, and just don't bother to interact out in the world. Well, yesterday, I guess I did enough interacting, with meditation and dharma talk, lunch with a friend and her best friend, and the museum trip. Perhaps I'm overreacting a bit. Onward and upward1
Today we have no plans, and it's overcast and dreary, but perhaps we will figure out something to do. If we have enough energy. This retirement thing can be dangerous, like a permanent rainy day where you don't go out. It feels cosy, but then you get lazy, and just don't bother to interact out in the world. Well, yesterday, I guess I did enough interacting, with meditation and dharma talk, lunch with a friend and her best friend, and the museum trip. Perhaps I'm overreacting a bit. Onward and upward1
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Old Age Day by Day May 26, 2012
This day is a wedding anniversary for our older daughter, but they are divorcing, so I won't be sending flowers this year. Things change. But it does make me think back to that beautiful day, and all the family gathered and friends and flowers and great food and tears and all the turbulent components of such a celebration. Our granddaughter came from that union, and she is such a blessing, that I will always have happy memories of the wedding.
Today it's overcast and we are going to see the film "Chimpanzee" in the afternoon, as I've been curious about it since I read the reviews. My husband is still in his pajamas, working on his puzzle, and I am back from walking the dogs, and it's that kind of slow, cosy day. We can even walk to the movie, so everything is easy-peasy.
I'm reflecting on this change that occurs, and how it can be dramatic or slow, like my own aging, and yet, each moment is new and fresh and can be appreciated on its own, without fear or dread. We're in the flow of the river, and each drop is connected to others and we're all moving slowly then swiftly towards the sea. I'm attempting to relax in this river, and notice what is on the bank and up in the sky and under the surface. To be here, not fighting the flow, but part of it.
Today it's overcast and we are going to see the film "Chimpanzee" in the afternoon, as I've been curious about it since I read the reviews. My husband is still in his pajamas, working on his puzzle, and I am back from walking the dogs, and it's that kind of slow, cosy day. We can even walk to the movie, so everything is easy-peasy.
I'm reflecting on this change that occurs, and how it can be dramatic or slow, like my own aging, and yet, each moment is new and fresh and can be appreciated on its own, without fear or dread. We're in the flow of the river, and each drop is connected to others and we're all moving slowly then swiftly towards the sea. I'm attempting to relax in this river, and notice what is on the bank and up in the sky and under the surface. To be here, not fighting the flow, but part of it.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Old Age Day by Day May 25, 2012
We were thinking of going to the cabin, but the weather is turning cooler and it is possible there will be rain, so we're sticking it out here. That suits me fine. I haven't been eager for any travel. I've got my mysteries lined up like ducks, friends to see and an art exhibit I'd like to squeeze in. Travel on this weekend means traffic, and some work is going on on the bridges and really, it's easier to stick close.
I finished Toni Morrison's "Home", and it's a beautiful little book, like a prose poem, and redemptive in tone. It reminds me of "The Bluest Eye". There is a whole lot of hope in this book though, and I like that touch. And the main male character is fully delineated, and beautiful, in an honest way. I remember many years ago being thrilled by Morrison's visit to the university where I was a graduate student, and my being chosen to have dinner with her, as the representative of my creative writing department. I was quiet, but managed to talk about a few non-literary topics. She also did a workshop with a few of us, and then there was a gala speech in front of thousands. She was comfortable to be around, and comforting, and she has a great sense of humor. Soon after I met her, she won the Noble Prize for Literature. I've never questioned that award. She is a great writer, and each book has universal, timeless issues intertwined within. She has us revisit our history as a nation, and she recalls it not to shame us but to reclaim the humanity of a time most would rather forget. Like Ralph Ellison's "Invisible Man", she speaks beyond nationhood, and yet is quintessentially American. Her rhythms, like his, are jazzy and pulses of the body. She's a treasure.
I finished Toni Morrison's "Home", and it's a beautiful little book, like a prose poem, and redemptive in tone. It reminds me of "The Bluest Eye". There is a whole lot of hope in this book though, and I like that touch. And the main male character is fully delineated, and beautiful, in an honest way. I remember many years ago being thrilled by Morrison's visit to the university where I was a graduate student, and my being chosen to have dinner with her, as the representative of my creative writing department. I was quiet, but managed to talk about a few non-literary topics. She also did a workshop with a few of us, and then there was a gala speech in front of thousands. She was comfortable to be around, and comforting, and she has a great sense of humor. Soon after I met her, she won the Noble Prize for Literature. I've never questioned that award. She is a great writer, and each book has universal, timeless issues intertwined within. She has us revisit our history as a nation, and she recalls it not to shame us but to reclaim the humanity of a time most would rather forget. Like Ralph Ellison's "Invisible Man", she speaks beyond nationhood, and yet is quintessentially American. Her rhythms, like his, are jazzy and pulses of the body. She's a treasure.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Old Age Day by Day May 24, 2012
My foster granddaughter's mom is now a few days overdue for her baby. I really sympathize. My first baby was a month late, the second fourteen days and the third seventeen days. The fourth was a week early. Was I ever surprised! I'm sure she is so ready to be over with it and see that little baby and hold it in her arms. And it is probably confusing for her daughter. There has been a lot of build up. Sooner or later this baby is coming out, and at it's own pace. And if he/she is a bit reluctant, who can blame him/her? Going into this world of ours is not easy, even with adoring parents and sister waiting. An onslaught of light and sound and discomfort awaits, as well as the joy of being alive in this world. So I feel for the baby and the family. A big event is coming, excitingly and relentlessly. A change making event.
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