Old Age Day by Day September 25m 2012

My husband returned from the cabin with quite a cold and cough.  He had to miss his chorus rehearsal and be satisfied with watching Antique Road Show.  He is a paradox in that way.  He loves the show, but won't actually ever stop at a garage sale or look at antiques or consignment shops.  He did go to two shops when we were searching for a sofa, but I could see the cost.  He is not a shopper, and his anxiety kicks in big time.  He hovers over my shoulder like a vulture.  The fear that I will buy something is palpable.  This, as you can imagine, is not relaxing for me, and I prefer to shop with friends or even enemies, rather than my spouse.  But it means a double hurdle if I see something that enchants me:  it has to pass my test of price etc then what would my husband think?  I try to consider him, but mostly I cross the first hurdle to the finish line and take home the prize.  Luckily, he likes what I buy, and even luckier, I am frugal, but the other day I came home with a small oil painting, very cheap, a still life in a dusty old golden frame, and it now is hung above the little coal fireplace in our bedroom.  It was $100, and a bargain, and looks charming.  But we could have had some fun picking it out together, but that would be in an alternate universe, I guess.  So he calls me in to see treasures on the Road Show, but I am the one to have the actual joy in finding something in real life.  Strange!

OLd Age Day by Day September 24, 2012

I arose early this morning, and somehow went out to check email before eight am, unlike what I usually do, and there found the email from my friend that her brother had died, died while listening to her voice on the phone.  He's been a long time passing, and he was ready to go, and he had the sweetest support from family and friends for over three years.  My friend and I had listened to an especially beautiful dharma talk by our teacher yesterday morning, and wept a bit, and felt so soothed, quieted in spirit and comforted by the truth of life.  It was a perfect day for her to let go of her brother.  It was also my root teacher's birthday, and I also had a lovely afternoon with my younger daughter, and then watched the perfect film for such a day:  "The Burmese Harp" by Kon Ichikawa.  It is about a Japanese solder in Burma who, overcome with the suffering of the war, leaves his group and impersonates a Buddhist monk, until, ultimately, he IS a monk, and finds his true path.  Then as I was taking out that DVD, I saw that the Ken Burns documentary about the Civil War dead was on, and I had heard the Pres of Harvard interviewed on radio about her book on the subject, so I watched the whole thing until eleven pm. 

It was a day for sitting with death, and appreciating this life we're given.  The synchronicity was amazing.  I'm sad for my friend and her brother, but also glad.  Because they faced his death with gentleness and compassion.

Old Age Day by Day September 23, 2012

I was literally out all day yesterday, first at Buddhist study group then at lunch and a movie with our younger son.  We saw Paul Thomas Anderson's "The Master", and we both thought it was terrific.  The idea was ambitious and the acting phenomenal.  It explores what makes a cult and who is attracted to it and why, and some of the techniques used.  There is such contempt, underneath, from the manipulator, and such hunger in the person willing to give up his will to be humiliated and controlled.  It gave us a lot to think about.

I then went home and talked to a few friends on the phone - old fashioned, I grant you, but I am no texter.  Finally, I watched a favorite film of mine:  "The Mission".  So I had another double feature yesterday.  I think I need different activities today.  I am going to meditation and dharma talk, and afterwards a walk is in order.  It's another crisp fall day, and no dogs to yank me around, so I could walk in an orderly manner, without sudden stops for "pee mail" and finding disgusting food possibilities on the ground.  Might as well go for it, before my husband and the dogs return tomorrow.

Old Age Day by Day September 21, 2012

It's official, it's Fall.  The nip is in the air, and socks and sweaters seem like a good idea in the mornings and evenings.  My husband is up at the cabin for the last hurrah of sitting on the deck in the sun.  Next time he or I go up it will be too cool.  The chairs will have to be brought inside and shutters closed and mousetraps set.  I used to like the cabin more in winter, but now I like to think of it in summer, and the fireside thing is not so attractive to me.  I'm a wimp.

While he is communing with nature, I'm talking to friends and going to groups.  Last night I was on the phone with my best friend when the doorbell rang.  It was after dark, and I was leery, and she said to stay on the phone while I went down and checked.  I can look through the glass at the door, and I saw no one, though our front porch is pretty dark despite two lights.  The steps walklights were not on, and I wondered who would come up in the dark.  I decided not to open the door, since the dogs were with my husband far away.  This morning I went out, and no UPS package or note or evidence that it was anyone I knew.  I did a smart thing, being cautious, and probably because I'd just read in the paper about a woman nearby attacked in the daytime, brutally.  Whoever it was, I'm glad they went away, and that I didn't impulsively open the door to check.  What a world, huh?  Can't even open my front door without being spooked.  I'm normally just fine when my husband is gone, but the doorbell got me.  I was reading a mystery, and managed to continue it after I hung up with my friend, and I slept fine.  But today, a little bit of pre-Halloween creepiness is set in my mind.

Old Age Day by Day September 20, 2012

I had such a lovely afternoon with my granddaughter.  We colored, we played a game, we sewed kitten hats for her friend's two cats (I'd like to be there when she tries to get them to wear them!)  We watched part of one film, she got bored with it and we switched to an old standby of hers:  Shek III, with the baby Shek triplets.  She likes the scenes of the babies projectile vomiting even more now that she has her own little Shek at home.  She's part Shek, finding the idea of babies annoying, and part Fiona, loving the little critters.  The psychology she brings to her choice of movies is impeccable.  In a couple of weeks we are going on our first trip together on a plane.  It should be fun.  We'll visit my granddaughter and daughter, and the two girls will have a lot of fun, I'm sure.  They always do.

In the meantime, I chuckle every time I think of the kitty hats.  I'm one baaaad grandma!

Old Age Day by Day September 19, 2012

I'm doing this slow weeding out of my books.  I realize I don't want to make any more room in my crowded house, which means making a little room on shelves I already have.  This process is interesting.  I pick up a book, try to decide:  if I have already read it, if I have will I reread it, or am I no longer interested in this subject or author.  I've found and read some books this way that I didn't no I possessed and looked completely unfamiliar to me.  I read two such this week, and happily, am saving them for my daughter-in-law, who I know will enjoy them as well.  A lot of the "weeds" go to a charity for dogs and cats.  Some have notes in them from my brother, who used to send me books.  I'm reading the notes, but not necessarily keeping the books, as I haven't seen him in twelve years and he really has no idea what I enjoy reading. 

For now, I know I want to keep collections:  Feminist lit, African American authors, Hispanic authors, Asian authors, Reading theory, Buddhist texts, Native American books.  I also have collections of Virginia Woolf, Gertrude Stein, Willa Cather, Edith Wharton, Margaret Drabble, AS Byatt and others.  I keep Joyce Carol Oates, Laurie Colwin, Fay Weldon, Margaret Atwood and others who were so influential to me at one time.  But my biggest collection is art books, and those are expanding a bit.  I know my husband loves looking at them, and all four of my kids have a strong interest in these books. 

But gradually, it may be that I give up other books that have meant a lot to me, and my favorite mysteries, and some self help books and health books.  I only need the aging books now.  And parenting books are ready to be passed on.  This whole process involves a letting go of dreams and other stages of life, and sharing what I treasure.  One day at a time, I am saying goodbye to my former selves and embracing what is so right now.

Old Age Day by Day September 18, 2012

My husband and I went to an art museum this morning to see a private collection on display that was really knockout!  Our favorite painting was the same:  a little oil painting of Manet's of two roses on a table.  Just exquisite.  But the man had some taste.  There were beautiful Vuillards and Derains, exceptional Picassos and Cezannes, and all manner of delights.  Imagine living with such beauty!  I didn't buy the catalogue, but found a book on Izit ceramics from Turkey that I had to purchase.  The rest of my day consists of grocery shopping and laundry, but the images will stay with me and give me much pleasure.

We wandered around the museum after lunch looking for a textile show, but none was up, so we meandered through the landscape section and admired George Inness, Martin Johnson Heade, and Church.  I love the luminists, and also the Hudson River school.  We are lucky such beautiful works of art live nearby us year round, and we can always get in the car and visit them for a hit of beauty.