Old Age Day by Day September 28, 2012

My younger daughter snuck into the house early this morning before work to borrow some pjs.  It's pajama day at her school, and I assume she figured her mom would have the most ridiculous pajamas.  What does this say about my style and taste?!  I dare not think.  She took the green apple pjs, but I have not idea how she's going to keep the pants up, as I am the apple shape not she.  Anyway, she figures the kids will be so wired with the costuming that no work will get done anyway, so if the pants fall down it will be in keeping with the circus atmosphere.

It's pretty deary here and foggy, and I've already conned my husband into seeing a matinee film later, as I'm going stir crazy with lack of plans this week.  I like to get out every day, and he's content walking the dogs and being done with the world.  Yes, we are an extrovert and an introvert.  It's a classic battle.  Luckily, almost all my friends are extroverts as well as the kids, so I have people to do things with.  And he is willing to hold the fort down at home.  Too willing, in my book.

Old Age Day by Day September 27m 2012

Well, I did not do my driving test, because they wanted the form from my eye doctor which was the sole reason I came in 21 days ago when I presented it to them.  They neglected to tell me I needed to bring it in yet again, when I did the test.  They made me reschedule Oct. 18, and I have to bring in the form that I already brought in last time.  I will be grinding my teeth a great deal today, I can just feel it.  So I still have the temporary license, but all that anxiety from last night and this morning wasted!  Only to be whipped up again in two weeks.  Ye gods!

I was going to celebrate if I passed the test.  I think I'll just celebrate not losing my mind completely.  I was very mature with the DMV guy, very gracious.  No yelling, just jokey and friendly.  But inside, a tyrannasaurus rex was raging.  "This is idiotic," I wanted to say.  "I could be back with the form in 15 minutes, can't you squeeze me in?"  But maybe by then my frame of mind would have made me run over a pedestrian or worse.  This is how they rid the state of licensed drivers.  Getting the numbers down of legit drivers, so the manics without licenses, who have been driven crazy by the rules, just take us out like bowling pins. 

Oh, well, I still stick by the truth that the DMV employees are really, really nice and friendly.  But I really, really don't want to see any of them ever again.

Old Age Day by Day September25, 2012

Tomorrow I have my DMV driving test, because of my eyes.  I'm nervous and though I know I drive fine, it's like when you see a police car and feel like you're about to get arrested, though you aren't actually guilty of anything.  I imagine a car around me doing something sudden and crazy and me doing the wrong thing, or not looking long and carefully enough, or not being able to merge into the lane on the freeway.  There are so many ways it could go wrong.  I need a tranquillizer!  On the other hand, they absolutely should test me, and I am not the best judge of my driving.  Oh, heck, I'm just going to have to make the through the test and survive either way!  I have to remember not to hit another car or pedestrian or bicyclist - and where I live that's a daily challenge.

My friend called last night and said her son and his wife are expecting their second child.  That was really great news, and I'm so happy for her and them.  They are fabulous parents and it will be adorable to be a witness again to their wise and gentle treatment of their children.  And it is so fun to be a kind of distant Auntie to the kids.  Happy news being shared is one of the great perks of friendships.

Old Age Day by Day September 25m 2012

My husband returned from the cabin with quite a cold and cough.  He had to miss his chorus rehearsal and be satisfied with watching Antique Road Show.  He is a paradox in that way.  He loves the show, but won't actually ever stop at a garage sale or look at antiques or consignment shops.  He did go to two shops when we were searching for a sofa, but I could see the cost.  He is not a shopper, and his anxiety kicks in big time.  He hovers over my shoulder like a vulture.  The fear that I will buy something is palpable.  This, as you can imagine, is not relaxing for me, and I prefer to shop with friends or even enemies, rather than my spouse.  But it means a double hurdle if I see something that enchants me:  it has to pass my test of price etc then what would my husband think?  I try to consider him, but mostly I cross the first hurdle to the finish line and take home the prize.  Luckily, he likes what I buy, and even luckier, I am frugal, but the other day I came home with a small oil painting, very cheap, a still life in a dusty old golden frame, and it now is hung above the little coal fireplace in our bedroom.  It was $100, and a bargain, and looks charming.  But we could have had some fun picking it out together, but that would be in an alternate universe, I guess.  So he calls me in to see treasures on the Road Show, but I am the one to have the actual joy in finding something in real life.  Strange!

OLd Age Day by Day September 24, 2012

I arose early this morning, and somehow went out to check email before eight am, unlike what I usually do, and there found the email from my friend that her brother had died, died while listening to her voice on the phone.  He's been a long time passing, and he was ready to go, and he had the sweetest support from family and friends for over three years.  My friend and I had listened to an especially beautiful dharma talk by our teacher yesterday morning, and wept a bit, and felt so soothed, quieted in spirit and comforted by the truth of life.  It was a perfect day for her to let go of her brother.  It was also my root teacher's birthday, and I also had a lovely afternoon with my younger daughter, and then watched the perfect film for such a day:  "The Burmese Harp" by Kon Ichikawa.  It is about a Japanese solder in Burma who, overcome with the suffering of the war, leaves his group and impersonates a Buddhist monk, until, ultimately, he IS a monk, and finds his true path.  Then as I was taking out that DVD, I saw that the Ken Burns documentary about the Civil War dead was on, and I had heard the Pres of Harvard interviewed on radio about her book on the subject, so I watched the whole thing until eleven pm. 

It was a day for sitting with death, and appreciating this life we're given.  The synchronicity was amazing.  I'm sad for my friend and her brother, but also glad.  Because they faced his death with gentleness and compassion.

Old Age Day by Day September 23, 2012

I was literally out all day yesterday, first at Buddhist study group then at lunch and a movie with our younger son.  We saw Paul Thomas Anderson's "The Master", and we both thought it was terrific.  The idea was ambitious and the acting phenomenal.  It explores what makes a cult and who is attracted to it and why, and some of the techniques used.  There is such contempt, underneath, from the manipulator, and such hunger in the person willing to give up his will to be humiliated and controlled.  It gave us a lot to think about.

I then went home and talked to a few friends on the phone - old fashioned, I grant you, but I am no texter.  Finally, I watched a favorite film of mine:  "The Mission".  So I had another double feature yesterday.  I think I need different activities today.  I am going to meditation and dharma talk, and afterwards a walk is in order.  It's another crisp fall day, and no dogs to yank me around, so I could walk in an orderly manner, without sudden stops for "pee mail" and finding disgusting food possibilities on the ground.  Might as well go for it, before my husband and the dogs return tomorrow.

Old Age Day by Day September 21, 2012

It's official, it's Fall.  The nip is in the air, and socks and sweaters seem like a good idea in the mornings and evenings.  My husband is up at the cabin for the last hurrah of sitting on the deck in the sun.  Next time he or I go up it will be too cool.  The chairs will have to be brought inside and shutters closed and mousetraps set.  I used to like the cabin more in winter, but now I like to think of it in summer, and the fireside thing is not so attractive to me.  I'm a wimp.

While he is communing with nature, I'm talking to friends and going to groups.  Last night I was on the phone with my best friend when the doorbell rang.  It was after dark, and I was leery, and she said to stay on the phone while I went down and checked.  I can look through the glass at the door, and I saw no one, though our front porch is pretty dark despite two lights.  The steps walklights were not on, and I wondered who would come up in the dark.  I decided not to open the door, since the dogs were with my husband far away.  This morning I went out, and no UPS package or note or evidence that it was anyone I knew.  I did a smart thing, being cautious, and probably because I'd just read in the paper about a woman nearby attacked in the daytime, brutally.  Whoever it was, I'm glad they went away, and that I didn't impulsively open the door to check.  What a world, huh?  Can't even open my front door without being spooked.  I'm normally just fine when my husband is gone, but the doorbell got me.  I was reading a mystery, and managed to continue it after I hung up with my friend, and I slept fine.  But today, a little bit of pre-Halloween creepiness is set in my mind.