Old Age Day by Day March 27, 2013

Yesterday was pretty dismal.  There was a mixup about my dental appointment, and, though I can't bear to repeat myself again, suffice to say I ended up weeping on the phone, and they got me in after insisting I couldn't be seen this week.  I've had it.  I've made an appointment in May with a new dentist, and whatever was wrong with this guy, I give up figuring it out, because I lost my confidence in him.  Actually, his technician is rude on the phone, and says too much, then he gets on and acts all nice.  It seems to be a good cop/bad cop kind of thing.  I just want to be treated couteously, and when something needs to be done quickly, have them make room for me.  Maybe that kind of care doesn't exist any more.  I notice all the dentists work only four days, and seem to not have a backup dentist for emergencies.  Anyway, I have a filling, which I hope lasts until May.

The roof is done!  They cleaned up well, but left a note on the front door saying they didn't put back all the heavy stuff outside because "they didn't remember where it belongs".  I was inside the house, but they didn't ring the doorbell to ask me.  How convenient.  The light stuff was moved back.  I can't lift these heavy pots, and when my husband comes home this evening, I don't even know if he and I can lift them together.  I'm going to try this excuse at home:  "Oh, I can't do the laundry because I don't remember where the washing machine is, oh, I can't vacuum, because I can't remember where I put it".

On a less dismal and cynical note, all is now quiet on the western front, and I again can hear the chirping of birds.  Peace reigns.

Old Age Day by Day March 26, 2013

I'm reading a terrific book about weather manipulation.  It's a thriller by this guy, Lilliefors,  who wrote "Viral".  I learned so much about genetic engineering of viruses and history of world governments work on such things.  Now I'm learning about how the weather can and is being manipulated, and the consequences of messing around with old mother nature.  Each book has the same two protagonists:  Charlie Mallory, who has worked with the CIA, and Jon Mallory, his younger brother, who is a journalist.  It's fun stuff, and so well written and informative.

I also bought a slew of magazines, my lifelong vice, to distract me from the fact I cannot eat solid food until my front tooth gets fixed.  Last night I had soup, and I couldn't even eat those little golfish kind of crackers with it.  I'm going to hope he fills this darn thing at 4 today.  Anything.  He can give me a black tooth or shiny gold, I have no vanity left. 

It's a beautiful, sunny day today, but did the workers come to finish the roof.  Of course not.  Why get done when you can string it out as long as possible?  They are waiting until later in the week when it rains.  What they mainly have to do is the gutters, but why put them in before the rains when you can do it after?  I think I've got the logic down, finally.

Oh, well, these are trivial problems.  I'm going to take a walk and get out the world.  I just can't eat.

Old Age Day by Day March 25m 2013

My husband is up at our cabin, so I watched the last two episodes of "Little Dorrit" and the last two parts of "Our Mutual Friend", two of my favorite Dickens' novels and terrific BBC productions from a few years ago.  Dickens' greatness is still amazing to me.  He tackles the poor, the invisible and also the rich and their venality.  He's comic, melodramatic, tender and touching.  His plots are intricate and among the best ever devised.  I cry, laugh, and sigh.  "Little Dorrit" has a theme about how the rich ride on the backs of the poor, and it's as true today as it was then.  "Our Mutual Friend", his greatest novel, is about capitalism itself, and how the addiction to money undermines our very humanity.  It also includes some characters not unlike the hedge fund criminals, and it explicates economic bubbles lucidly.  Money is a corrupter in his world and ours.  His sympathy for those in its clutches never waivers.  I grew up reading and rereading "Tale of Two Cities" and "Great Expectations", seeing them as romantic and idealistic.  They are more than that, but they helped give me the foundations for a moral code I constructed for myself.  And reading Dickens inclined me toward the mysteries I read - especially ones where there is a social injustice being addressed.  Dickens is sublime in portraying the dark side and the light, the grace and the curse.  He embraces all parts of humanity with a clear eye, an eye with a tear in it.

Old Age Day by Day March 24, 2013

Well, my veneer on my tooth came off for the third time, and of course it was on the weekend, and I have to hope my dentist gets me in next week sooner than later.  I've had a lot of grief over this tooth, and I cannot chew right and am afraid of the rest of the tooth breaking off.  I had trouble sleeping last night worrying about it.  Is something wrong with this new dentist, or is it just being old and things falling apart?  Who knows?  I have another dentist's name if this guy is difficult this next time. 

In the meantime the weather is crisp but sunny, and I'm about to take a walk to deliver flowers to a good friend, as today is her birthday.  I just helped my husband pack up for the cabin.  He and the dogs are off for three days.  I'd say it will be quiet here but for the fact that the roofers will be continuing their racket tomorrow.  I might as well have it quiet today while I can. 

Old Age Day by Day March 23, 2013

I had my Buddhist study group this morning.  I was telling about taking my granddaughters to an aquarium, and we carefully planned our day around seeing a live albatross in the afternoon.  We got there in time to see well, and my older granddaughter got to be the "assistant", and afterwards my younger went up to the lady in charge and talked about recycling.  We were in awe of the albatross, who was being fed fish from her trainer and sat elegantly on the cart they wheeled out.  She was huge and amazing.  Then a couple of hours later we were with an interpretive specialist looking at things like an otter fur, when she asked us what we'd seen and we began talking about the albatross.  She told us we were lucky, because often she balks at going on display, and she only comes out once or twice a week.  I realized then that I had taken the bird for granted, as if she were some Disney toy, and I now realized her agency, that she had feelings and some power and the trainer was respecting her needs.  I felt a rush of gratitude, because it had not been a given we would see her at two pm, after all, she was not at our beck and call, and we were fortunate that we saw her and she felt like seeing us.  My expectations had not included thinking of the animal or the efforts by trainers and others to protect her rather than entertain us.  She was not without will and we had not valued her effort at all.  But I do now.  Expectations can blind us to what is going on.  I was blessed that the specialist offered such an important lesson to me.

Old Age Day by Day March 22, 2013

I went my my friend and her mom to an art museum's spring flowers show, and it was spectacular.  The flowers make the art look dull and dead in comparison.  Some bouquets are architectural, some are echoing a particular painting's colors, some copy the shape and form of the painting and some express the feeling of the work.  The imagination these florists exhibit is amazing.  There must be at least a hundred or more bouquets, some huge, some tiny.  It was crowded, but worth the effort.  It was traffic laden to get there, the parking lot was full, but somehow we ended up with a space, and the crowds enormous, but it still feels like a treat - a party you so glad you attended.  My mind is filled still with images of strange orchids, white and lavender lilacs, tulips of amazing variety, roses, each one perfect, and every flower, succulent and branch or greenery under the sun.  Runniculas were everywhere, bright and hothouse looking, picking up the light in the rooms. 

The roofers are banging away, and the end may be in sight.  They'll finish Monday and then do the gutters.  Maybe.  I have, up until now, avoided having debris rain on my head, stepped over tarps and tools and rubble and managed to get in and out of my house without harm.  I can now read with the house shaking and a noise like and earthquake.  I am not yet coughing.  All is well in demolition land.

Old Age Day by Day March 20, 2013

Have you ever just felt off, for no reason and acted like an insensitive clod?  I did last night, and said and and did things I wish I hadn't.  I was unawake to my interactions.  We were with the kids, and it doesn't happen that often, and I just feel, in retrospect, that I said and did the wrong thing, and was untuned to them.  I'm not sure why.  I felt so happy meeting them all, and then I didn't act it.  Our daughter had been so sweet to pick us up, and then I made a couple of dumb jokes that were not sensitive to her, then I let her walk to her car and didn't offer her my umbrella.  I didn't pick up on our older son's needing some help about dropping off wine at our friend's house, and had not brought my phone so I could call her.  It turned out they were home, but we could see no lights.  So we had to lug the wine boxes up our stairs.  My husband made the kids pay for their meals, and I feel they'd helped us and we should have paid.  Maybe the rain shut down my brain. 

All I can do now is apologize, and try to be more aware next time.  I feel I'm losing my social skills, because so often I'm not with other people.  My antennae are broken. 

Today I see my granddaughter and we are going to a garden nursery we both like to visit.  I hope my mind and heart open back up and stay awake.  The rain is helping the plants, but so far, it has put me to sleep!