Old Age Day by Day September 30, 2013

It's our dogs' birthdays today.  They are nine.  Labs don't have long lives, so we're having birthday biscuits and bought them new toys.  Every moment they are with us is precious.  My husband gave them the biggest treat:  a trip to the cabin.  They love it up there, and get to be off leash more. 

It rained last night for a short time, and is overcast, humid and damp today.  We don't get enough rain to complain.  With us, it's a blessing.  But I think of my friends in Colorado.  They had a tough time.

Everything is relative.  Nine doesn't sound old.  Rain sounds benign.  Each and every event has a multitude of reactions and effects.  My point of view is just that.  I speak for no one else, and my listening skills are of paramount importance.

I'm making lasagne tonight.  Just thinking about it makes me happy.  I made pumpkin bread for the study group and that turned out great.  I seem to be getting back into the domestic thing.  Maybe it's Fall, the chill in the air, the sense of holidays around the corner.  I already have Halloween earrings from my friend.  It's time to put out some decorations, perhaps.

Old Age Day by Day September 29, 2013

I had a long phone conversation with my best friend last night.  It felt great, and I went to bed tired and happy, but woke up early morning with my right side hurting.  I finally got up and took tylenol, and went back to sleep for a little while.  But I'm torn right now about going to meditation or staying home.  I haven't seen my teacher there in a while, and it would probably be a good idea to drag myself there and rest later. 

I saw "Museum Hours" by myself yesterday.  It was recommended by a friend.  I loved the idea of it, the conceptual part, and also seeing the art, but it was slow and draggy as well.  It was a different use of film, and I respect that.  I'll have to mull over this little movie and see how much resounance there is. 

I'm supposed to go to a movie this afternoon, but I'll have to see how I feel.  I'll see how the day unfolds.

Old Age Day by Day September 28, 2013

I've just finished saying goodbye to people in my study group.  As usual, it was supportive and helpful.  We've been practicing together for twenty years or more, so we trust each other and have shared all our fears and hopes.  We know each other's history.  We've made a safe place for ourselves.  Our teacher is struggling with age related issues, and now we support her in the way she used to support us.  As she says, sometimes she is the teacher, sometimes we are the teacher.

My husband went up to the cabin this morning, so I have the weekend to myself.  I have some shopping to do and a movie I want to see, and I'll talk to some friends on the phone.  It's beautiful weather.  I hope he has good weather at the cabin.  We need some time apart, as we are both retired, and the cabin makes it easy for us to get some space.  We're lucky.

Old Age Day by Day September 27, 2013

I'm making pumpkin bread for my study group tomorrow.  I haven't baked in so long.  I hope it turns out good.  I haven't seen my group all summer, and I've missed them.  We are a small band of Buddhists, and it's been a struggle to stay connected, as our teacher lives 3 hours away, and we all have busy lives and complicated schedules.  I appreciate the dedication and effort everyone makes.

I began reading a biography of Edward Curtis, the photographer.  It's fascinating already.  I hadn't realized he'd begun his work in Seattle.  I think my friend in Tacoma would like to read this book.  Today I'm going out to dinner and a movie with a friend, and I'm ready for an outing.  I was bored and restless yesterday afternoon.  And grumpy all day.  My poor husband took the brunt of my irritation.  The fact that the dogs have awakened us at least twice every night this week didn't help any.  Last night they were silent.  I think they figured out we were at the end of our tether.  It was liking having a nursing baby again.  I'm too old!

Old Age Day by Day September 26, 2013

Last night we watched John Ford's "The Searchers".  It's a strange, not totally successful movie, based on a real incident in Texas, where a child was abducted by Commanches, and later recovered.  It has John Wayne as the uncle searching for his niece, and he's racist and bitter.  There is not a lot of background and historically it is inaccurate, but it does bring up important points:  is girl, now "sullied" only fit to be killed as her uncle thinks, or should be be saved and valued?  Is a child responsible for her own abduction and rape?  We are still grappling with this issue.  Do we blame and devalue the victim, for surviving? 

I prefer "Stalking of the Moon" and "Unforgiven", the former with Gregory Peck and Eva Marie Saint, and the later with Burt Lancaster and Audrey Hepburn, but there is something in Ford's movie that is even stickier than in those two.  John Wayne relents in the end, but what will happen to the girl is unknown.  In "Unforgiven" we know they will have to leave and seek out a new place, hiding from the fact of the girl being Indian.  Only in "Stalking" can they live out their lives, partially because they are so isolated, and also because they have killed everyone who knows or cares.  These scenarios were real, and with all kinds of outcomes.  Some captives wanted to stay with their Indian families, some were treated like whores if they tried to live in the white world again, and an Indian girl living with a white man was in danger.  Yet there were thousands of mixed bloods from these willing or unwilling unions.  I recommend all three of these movies.

Old Age Day by Day September 25, 2013

This date is the anniversary of the day my father died.  It was almost thirty years ago, but I miss him still.  A few years later my husband's mother died on this date.  But what a difference.  My dad was involved passionately with us right up until the end.  My husband's mother, under the cloud of depression, had withdrawn and been uncommunicative for many years.  My father died at home, as he wished, with his two children around, and his beloved grandchildren seeing him right before.  I was not with him when he last breathed, but was beside him soon after and held his hand for hours before he was taken away and cremated.  I had said everything that needed to be said, as had he.  I knew the memorial service was as he wished, because he planned it himself, and asked his friend to speak at the service.  I knew what he wanted done with his ashes.  The will was crystal clear.  He had organized his papers, and thrown out what he didn't want saved or read.  He tried to make as little trouble for us as possible.  That still touches me.  I hope he knows he put his four grandchildren through college, and helps with their lives to this day.  He's given me a chance to travel, and be generous with family and friends, and feel secure, and live in a nice neighborhood in a great house.  He was a patriarch, which has it's bad and good sides.  He thought he knew what was best for everyone, and had vocal opinions.  I learned to decide for myself what was good for me and to never assume I knew what was best for my kids.  He could change, and late in life wanted to know what had hurt me.  I adore him for that bravery.  I never doubted for a minute that he loved me and wished me happiness.  He gave me security and joy.  He's in my heart forever.

Old Age Day by Day September 24, 2013

So, the tooth found in my pizza is not mine, and when I took it to the pizza place, they never called back.  I will not be ordering any more of their pizza.  I'm not sure I could have anyway, as twice my veneer on a front tooth came off while eating their product.  There is a sort of "cursed" aura to the place in my mind, and I will not be risking it.  But how weird is truth?  That I could lose the veneer twice, then about six months later FIND a tooth, not mine, in the pizza?!  I can hardly believe it myself.

The good news is I am done with the dentist until my next cleaning.  All up to date, gums planed, teeth filled, and I have a new mouth guard.  No more grinding my teeth at night.  This old age thing tends to make one very selfconscious about the mouth.  I never thought about my teeth one way or the other, but now, it's a daily enterprise that involves sonicare, waterpik, tooth picks for my gums, a mouth guard.  Why, I could spend all day focusing on my teeth.  Is it any wonder we get boring as we get older?

Today is another lovely fall day.  I did get a walk in yesterday, and bought myself a red sun hat and three pair of socks.  Today I'm going to wander somewhere else.  And probably I'll be walking the dogs, as my husband got up with them twice last night.  Our male dog is eating something that disagrees with his stomach:  acorns, mushrooms, who knows?  So they bark and bark until we get up and let them outside.  There is nothing that dog won't try to eat.