Oh, heavens above! Yesterday I bought a brand new Dave Sedaris book, and today, in the newspaper, there was a review of the new John Le Carre mystery, which means I'm in for a treat or two for Halloween. I am almost finished with my Laurie King mystery, and I've been riveted all the way.
I once wrote a mystery novel, and got all the way to the agent's group discussion, but they passed. I should have tried harder, and maybe sent it to publishers directly, but I'm not persistent enough. I'm not sure why. Was it moving fairly frequently as a child? I was no Army brat, but still. I was the new girl who never was allowed in the group I would have liked. I was a B movie in a theater overcrowded and confusing to me. I would clown around to drawn attention to myself, and I was good academically, so I'd be in the right classes, but I wore glasses (in those days a stigma) and was indistinguishable from others. Not ugly, but not pretty. Black hair and eyes, when blond and blue was the formula. Sandra Dee and Debbie Reynolds were the ones we yearned to be. Yes, there was Annette Funicello, but I never once heard anyone say they wished they looked like her. They looked like her and hated it.
I felt like I never fit in, and if I was allowed in, I was suspicious of the girls who let me. My job was to be the best friend, admire the other girls, and be full of personality to entertain them. So when some of those women now want to get together, I feel a disconnect. It wasn't the best time of my life, I wasn't comfortable with who I really was so I hid it, and I have now grown up, so I see they were not beauty queens or dazzling lights, they were girls who figured out how to manipulate others a bit earlier than the rest of us.
I am thinking of all of this because I saw the Jamie Lee Curtis film "You Again" yesterday, and it has a ring of truth to it, besides being funny. There are women who loved high school and women who wouldn't go back if you held a gun to their heads. We were all clueless, and most of the cruelty unintentional, but it framed us, and we drag it with us for a long time. I remember the day I looked at some photos and realized I was way cuter than the girl who had convinced me she was going to be Troy Donahue's wife. I felt a wave of admiration for her confidence, and wanted to kick myself for my lack thereof. But this whole girlfriend thing works because people bring their baggage to the table, and let others assign the seating. Luckily, we are not teenagers but for a short time, and most of us survive it.
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