Old Age Day by Day December 27, 2010

I was at the dentist promptly at 8 am today to get my crown. It's amazing how thrilling it can be to be able to chew on both sides of my mouth again. It's the little things that count. I'm very excited about my friend coming to visit. Lots of ideas for baby trips are whirling around in my head, and there are kids to see and food to eat and movies we could watch. But the best, of course, is just the talking, checking out our lives with each other. Now we do that once a week by phone, but it's never quite as good, especially with this annoying call waiting which always beeps when I'm on the line, and half the time I pick it up and the other half I don't, but it's phonus interruptus either way.

I know which bed she likes to sleep in, what she wants for breakfast, her favorite wine, what she likes to see. I feel her feelings before she expresses them, and we have the ability to get pissed off at each other and square it almost instantly. We genuinely admire each others children and granddaughters, and love to hear more about them. How many people can you say that about?

So it's a good week for me. I know that already. A great way to start off the new year. And we won't do anything big, just be together, which is, the rarest and biggest deal of all.

Old Age Day by Day December 26, 2010

Christmas is past, in a whirlwind, a delightful one, and though the decorations are still up, I feel the pull of longer days, spring bulbs, new buds on trees and the new year. As much as I love Christmas, it's really a bit much for me to handle. I get overwhelmed, breathe, then think of another person I could call, a project to finish as a last minute gift, an urgent need to buy more eggnog or wonder if we have enough fruit. Now the holiday has landed, and the guests departed and only the photos to document the events.

I think I will enjoy my sewing projects more now that none of them were completed in time. I can work on them at my leisure, and give them for birthdays or just no reason. I like that better. I like the process more also. So the little felt birds which need their sides stitched and their button eyes sewn will fly from the nest, just not as soon as anticipated.

I will listen to my Spanish songs CDs, and read my new books, and pamper my skin with my new beauty products and admire my gifts, now in their appropriate places, and think of the fullness of my life, with generous friends and family so abundant.

Old Age Day by Day December 24, 2010

I've already made cauliflower soup and am about to tackle popovers, before I put the pot roast in the oven. It's another beautiful day, and I look forward to friends and family being here this evening. This has been a relatively easeful build up to the holiday. I take the stresses more calmly, and gratitude is ever present now. I won't always be here in this world and be doing this, and it feels good to have been so blessed in my life and so lucky. I have good friends, healthy and delightful family and good enough health at this moment in time, and I want to take time to feel it fully and appreciate my life.

And when a friend sends a silly UTube of animals singing Deck the Halls, well, it's icing on the cake. I'm going through changes and aging, but I'm not doing it alone. My husband sang Some Enchanted Evening to me as I was stirring soup this morning, and it doesn't get any better than that. Fun, laughter, and food. May all of you get a generous helping of each.

Old Age Day by Day December 23, 2010

It's a gorgeous sunny day today, and I'm hoping to make the most of it. But I have a lingering sadness because of the horses and ponies in Ireland. I had seen an article in the online New York Times, and today it was in the local paper as well. With the economic downturn in Ireland, people are abandoning their horses and letting them out to roam and starve and die. Every time I think about the poor creatures I feel so sad. They have done nothing but love their owners, and now they are sick and dying.

I'm going to try to find out how to help them. There must be a group that is aiding them, as there was one picture of people carrying a minature horse in a blanket to get medical help. I'm worried in general about Ireland, and in particular my relatives there around Dublin and Cork, and now, somehow, all that grief is being channeled for me into these horses. Bankers and brokers play games of risk, and sentient beings pay the price. It is cruel and unfair and unjust. We suffer for the addictions and compulsions of people without moral conscience.

I hope Obama can get some real reforms to rein in these wild animals, so that the innocent animals of the world will not die in the name of capitalism/gambling. I think we should all write a letter to him. And then find an organization which will aid these horses before it's too late.

Old Age Day by Day December 22, 2010

I had a lovely day yesterday. I had brunch at my friend's house, just the two of us, and though we didn't intend it, we talked about the past year and changes in our lives and practices. It put a gentle perspective and overview of what is so subtle that I often forget to notice. We thought our relationships had eased in a good way, we saw our efforts bearing fruit. And we gifted each other with a special book. As well as being Buddhist swim buddies, we are reading buddies, and art buddies.

Then, in the afternoon my younger daughter and I saw "The King's Speech", which was equally gentle and touching, with complex human beings on view , and without judgment. We saw a movie worth seeing, for a change, and felt elevated afterward.

Well, to continue the gentle theme, my husband and I watched "Miracle on 34th Street", just to get in the holiday mood, and the kindliness of Edmund Gwenn, as Santa, was worth watching and emulating. He could see beyond what people said straight into their hearts. I believe in that kind of wisdom, and I know a few people who practice it.

So, all in all, a good day, and today the sun is out after a night of rain, and I'm lucky I can feel the positive effects of the season.

Old Age Day by Day December 21, 2010

Yesterday I had a chauffeur! My husband offered to drive me around to do my errands, and I accepted. I went to the bank, to the post office to buy stamps, to drop off presents at various houses, to buy blank CDs and DVDs, and he patiently waited in the car each time. It wasn't necessary, which made it a luxury. Today I'm meeting with a dear friend for brunch and then going to a movie with my daughter. I love this part of the holidays - the visiting and doing things with friends and family.

This is the shortest day of the year, which means the days will be getting longer! I hold fast to that idea, and it gives comfort during the overcast and rain. I don't know how light sensitive I am, but it affects me as much as the next person, at the least. I look forward to a time when I don't have the impulse to go to bed at six pm, and to eat fat, and hibernate. Right now, the pies and cakes and baked goods are mighty tempting, and I sublimate with grapes and clementines and too many nuts. I'm sick of my squirrel persona, and am ready for my swimming fish splashing in the sea guise. It can't come a moment too soon, if I'm to continue to fit into my jeans.

Old Age Day by Day December 29, 2010

Tonight is a total eclipse of the moon around midnight. I'm a realist, and know I can't possibly stay up that late, but I'm thinking of going to bed, setting the alarm for two hours later and witnessing it. It will be on the Solstice, which seems full of import.

What I should worry about is the symbolism of the basement flooding yesterday, and the age of our house, and the rain predicted for the rest of this week. Mud, retaining walls, roots entwined in pipelines - these are few of my least favorite things.

But I have an almost unbearable lightness of being - why? - because I've wrapped all the presents! I now know what goes to whom and though I'll forget, I believe I've chosen wisely. Later today, I'll drop them off at my various friends' houses, and my teeny tiny world will be organized once again. Okay, it's never that organized, but there is a comforting illusion of order, despite the fact that we decided not to send a gift to my sister-in-law, and she surprised us by sending a lovely box of fruit, so now, the internet search begins. Every holiday, one person bestows an unexpected gift, and I scramble to reciprocate. Surprise is always waiting to see if I'm on my toes.

For today, I have the luxury of looking through cookbooks for an exotic soup for Christmas eve, and wondering how many popovers I can make, and the time required. Such ruminations are soothing, in an often chaotic season.

Old Age Day by Day December 17, 2010

It's practically a blizzard outside - it feels like sleet. I went to the school where my daughter teaches to see the children's holiday program, and it was sweet, but it was super cold inside. Luckily, I'm cooking a ton of chicken wings today, so that should warm up the kitchen, at least. We never have this kind of cold and are unprepared, to say the least!

I suppose this is the winter atmosphere we normally lack, but I'd just as soon skip it. I've got to find my gloves, if this keeps up. Next thing you know, I'll be buying snowshoes. Well, it makes the season a bit more dramatic and surprising, and throws us off just enough to get a little fun out of it. Many a joke will come from this, and since no one with any authority seems to take climate change seriously, all we can do is laugh. But there is an edge underneath. While people deny the truth about our planet, they cause suffering. If I'm feeling cold, I can only imagine what the folks in the rest of the country are feeling.

Old Age Day by Day December 16, 2010

More shopping for the party today, and then a matinee with my foster granddaughter, and dinner out. This will mean grilled cheese, cheese quesadilla or cheese and bean and rice burrito. I personally know of no other entrees she willingly eats. Oh, wait, there is chicken noodle soup, but we can't order it out because it has to be like in the soup can. Her beverage of choice is lemonade with apple juice a possible alternative, and when she wants to go wild, chocolate milk. Dessert? Ice cream, of course, only it must be vanilla. Last week she had vanilla gelato with caramel and ate the whole thing, so her tastes are broadening considerably.

She is a neat eater, and never spills, and is a great conversationalist, but if the talk does drag, we color. I find it very therapeutic. I notice my pressure on myself to color inside the lines and make the trees green and apples red. But I let myself be swayed by my granddaughter, who feels unconstrained by conventions, and produces much more imaginative and lovely art works.

In short (not a pun), she is sheer delight to be with, and amuses me endlessly. I hope I prove interesting enough for her, and must sparkle a bit (sorry, Jane Austen) tonight.

Old Age Day by Day December 15, 2010

I have to go to the store today to get sodas, beer,wine, and all the party paraphenalia for Saturday. Today is a good day to die. I have my power and my shield, and I can do this thing, I know I can. Stick to the basics - don't be looking a ornaments or stollen or fancy serving plates. Eyes to my list, I will fear no evil, and spend only what is necessary and essential.

Then, next big hurdle, is to lug it all up the front steps and into the house. At great risk to hip and knee, I will do this appointed task. It is not raining today, so the gods have spoken. Today is THE DAY.

And afterward, collapsed on my bed, I will read something light and funny and without intellectual content. The dogs will comfort me. And by Sunday, it will all be gone, but I will have feted my friends and will be happily thinking of conversations and laughter. It's worth it. Definitely.

Old Age Day by Day December 14, 2010

Tomorrow is my son-in-law's birthday. I'm afraid he gets lost in the holiday shuffle. He's a mature man in his forties, but still, it's an important marker and celebration of a life. One of my dear friend's son has a December 25 birthday, and they used to have the party in the spring or even summer, so the event got some attention. I'm a believer in birthdays. As a child, I was in May Day celebrations at our school (K - 12), and my favorite year I played the Mad Hatter and my friend was the March Hare. So I love unbirthdays, too. I still have a top hat with birthday candles on it that I wear for my granddaughter sometimes.

Christmas is about birth, and how magical and profound it feels to us. This year at my party there will be a small baby, and I love the joy of that. If we just forget all the stuff, and concentrate on the surprising, amazing fact of life, that's enough to party til dawn. (I'm a big talker, my party begins at 6 and is over well before midnight, but I'm a geezer now)

So I will phone my son-in-law two states away and hope he gets a moment to reflect and share with his wife and young daughter, despite their impending trip, the packing, the grading of papers, the cat food situation, the last minute gifts for Christmas. Because he's still somebody's special baby, as the song goes, and his existence sheds light on those around him.

Old Age Day by Day December 13, 2010

I drove to a nursery this morning after getting my temporary crown put in my mouth, and bought garlands and a few little decorations for the front door and around. Looking at all the ornaments and trees is pretty magical and soothing, even for someone of my advanced years. And my chorus concert is over, and though I made a few mistakes, I believe none were noticeable. We had a magnificent potluck afterward, and though I don't eat sugar, I sat nearby and gazed lovingly at brownie bites, lemon cookies, ice cream and other delights. We were lovers forbidden to kiss.

So I'm getting with the holiday spirit, and looking forward to the big days and little cozy moments. My hands smell of cedar from the garlands, there are visions of sugarplums dancing in my head, and the shiny, slightly loopy goofiness of the season is upon me. And I haven't had a single eggnog.

Old Age Day by Day December 12, 2010

I'm in an irritated mood. I feel prickly and have the urge to hiss like a cat. I hope this cloud formation passes soon, but right now it's raining on top of my brain. I have already been hard at work, making lentil soup for the potluck after our concert, decorating in bits and pieces throughout the house, practicing our songs, which I no longer love at this exact moment. I hope some enthusiasm sets in by showtime. I'll tell you something, too, I hate to dress up, to feel obligated to be a bit dressy and figure out what earrings to wear and what do do with my hair. I don't improve upon effort.

My undone tasks are calling me, and they all seem dreadful right now. Maybe a big sense of relief will flood me when this concert is over, and the potluck, and I can just go home and get messy and listen to Christmas carols. Maybe.

I just glanced over at a pile of sewing on the table, and had an urge to make the bird ornaments I've cut out. That is what I would really like to be doing today. I'd rather make a bird than sing like one.

Old Age Day by Day December 11, 2010

My daughter and I saw the Disney movie Tangled yesterday afternoon. You'd think, after teaching 1st and 2nd graders all week she'd want an R rated film at least, but we both are suckers for the preschool cine. It wasn't great, like Beauty and the Beast or Mulan, but it was engaging. The 3D is fun. I preferred Princess and the Frog, because the music was better and there was more of it, but there are a couple of songs in Tangled that are delightful. The hero looks like Aladdin and Prince Naveen mixed with Adrien Brody - very strange. And Rapunzel is the Barbie doll one inch waisted, Keene eyed girl who resembles Speilberg's space aliens. Belle looked sort of real and had expressions, but this gal looks like she went through a spaghetti stretcher and her eyes popped out. Very creepy.

Oh, well, I'm the old lady who has Lady and the Tramp and Robin Hood in her heart. The new look is anorexia plus drug overdose.

Then we came home with tacos and found my husband watching Ladyhawke, and we settled in to see a truly satisfying movie. No special effects, but magic through and through.

See what a geezer I have become? I don't have an IPad either, and you know I can't get my photos out of IPhoto into an email. But - tah dah - I did send a song attachment to another human being yesterday, so all is not lost. He received it, and now it is translated into English, and I know what I'm singing. I love the lyrics, too. There is always hope.

Old Age Day by Day December 10, 2010

I'm so tired - last night's dress rehearsal wasn't over until ten, and my feet hurt and I was hungry, and though I went right to sleep, I woke up in the middle of the night to worry myself silly about my vocal mistakes and all the instructions flooded me with doubt. Should I just lip sinc and thereby save the chorus? This morning reason has returned, and I am just going about my tasks and whatever will be will be. My mother was extremely fond of Doris Day, and the song she sang in The Man Who Knew Too Much, Hitchcock's remake of his own earlier film (Que sera, sera). My mom looked a bit like Doris Day, with the same figure and smile, and she brainwashed me into humming "Once I Had a Secret Love" throughout childhood. I still, I must admit, love the movie the song is in - Calamity Jane. My Mom was persuasive.

Now, both Mom and Dad were severely tone deaf. Flanked by them in church, my brother and I would get the giggles, and I'm pretty certain nearby pews were equally amused. The upside of such torture is I can sing on tune next to almost anyone's vocal catastrophe without losing pitch. The bad part is I still feel like the giggles are about to erupt, and I have to make my body rigid to avoid humiliation. Last night my tenor buddy, a guy about my younger son's age, was off key during a song I know he has mastered - and I kept wanting to shout-sing over his too low third line. I mentally was lifting him up by the shoulders like a male ballet dancer lifting his partner - but it didn't work. Drowning him out was not an option. We've been warned about that. So, distracted and thinking waaay too much, I went down with the ship - better we were both off together, I felt, kind of like the Titanic. Nearer My God to Thee would have been a better tune at that point.

With a bit of luck, we'll be fine Sunday at the actual concert. And if we mess up, so what? Except, except: no giggling. My stellar career will be over if I think of my parents. Don't think, don't think, don't think.

Old Ae Day by Day December 8, 2010

I haven't walked the dogs - it's raining - and it's so gloomy in my study that I turned on all the lights and put on a Magnetic Fields CD. They always cheer me up, but I don't know about the dogs; they seem unresponsive. After a long history of playing classical music when I leave them, they do not seem to have developed any musical discrimination whatsoever. Mozart or Joni Mitchell, it's all the same to them. I have a busy day, and it's interesting to notice how I get irritated when I can't do my schedule exactly as planned. I can't walk the dogs at 8:30 am today, so it will have to be much later, as I am sewing with a friend at her house at 9:30. Changes. Even the little ones disturb, and yet, my life is made up of changes, mostly small adjustments unnoticable to others, book marked by huge shifts that get all the attention.

I'd like to say I've evolved to the point where gratitude comes up instantly as a counter to irritation, but it doesn't. I notice how petty my pathetic concerns are, and sometimes can laugh at myself, but a sudden nobility of nature has not overtaken my boring, basic patterns as of yet.

Patience. Gratitude, when it comes is welcome. Humor saves the day. And then the rain and the change of schedule - piece of cake! I'm reminded of the signs seen frequently in India - DEVIATION AHEAD. I'm on that road, but I can still enjoy the view, and my common humanity with others on a path, but with hairline detours that the mind makes, before she continues on down the road.

Old Age Day by Day December 7, 2010

I had breakfast out with a friend, and it felt luxurious and festive. She bought a lipstick, I bought some moisterizer, we oohed and aahed over things in Anthropologie, and now, in a few minutes I have to go have a temporary crown put it my mouth. The good, the bad and the ugly. Oh, well. Tonight I am making meatballs and spaghetti, and I do love the meal, ever since Lady and the Tramp. I'm not much for pasta, but spaghetti is an exception. Watching my granddaughter eat it with both hands has reminded me of the deleriously delightful worminess of spaghetti, and the spongy springiness of meatballs. Add salad and garlic bread - I rest my case.

But if I lose this temporary crown in this busy month of December, I am going to be very, very angry. The dental technician talked me into this, it is not really necessary this moment - but yes, the old crown is a mess, and she forced me to be reasonable. I hate that. I don't want to get my blood test for my thyroid either, because I just want to not think about my health for a while. A little break. Pick up the threads in January. But I'll probably break down and get the test, too, because it's reasonable as well. I just hate being reasonable.

Old Age Day by Day December 6, 2010

I saw the movie Fair Game on Saturday, by myself, and was disappointed. I was clearer afterward about Valerie Plame and what the events were that caused her outing by Karl Rove and others, but there was something about the whole movie that left a bad taste in my mouth. The fact that she offered herself up to the CIA out of college and wasn't even recruited, the knowledge she had young children and they seemed shuffled around without being anyone's first priority, the righteousness of her husband, her fear of retaliation, all seemed disturbing and slightly inauthentic. Her fear for informants and people in the field was the most moving part of the movie. I don't know if I'd recommend this movie. It seems like reading an extensive book about it would be more informative and maybe even more illuminating. The movie tries too hard to be All The President's Men, and somehow it isn't as persuasive.

But perhaps I am callous about all the breaches of ethics in the Bush administration at this time. There were so many, and they all add up to lying to the American people and the world in order to carry out actions for reasons other than those stated. So this movie, a kind of defense of the CIA, rings hollow, at least to me. I don't think anyone was on the people's side, and especially not the CIA.

And - news flash - many of us knew at the time that none of the stated reasons for going into Iraq were persuasive. We knew there was not enough evidence from enough sources to take such an action. We marched. We wrote letters to our congresspeople. So this is not a shocker to a lot of people who will go to this movie; the skeptical kind of viewer who already knows that happened, at least the big picture. The people who might benefit from seeing it will not go. And maybe that is for the best, as I can't imagine this movie changing anybody's mind about anything. But Naomi Watts sure is cute.

Old Age Day by Day December 5, 2010

Well, our holiday party invites are out and the online shopping done. It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas. Especially since the weather is about as Christmasy as it gets. It's only fit to go out for movies. I've got to find one I want to see today. And they didn't have the sweater in my size I wanted online, so my husband and I will have to look in an actual store. Luckily, it's a little store and nearby, so if I find something, he's taken care of me for Christmas.

What I love to do is make gifts, so I have a picture of a bird mobile I'm going to attempt to replicate, and need to go to a fabric store tomorrow. And if I finish the quilt tablecloths I began last summer, that will be some homemade stuff. I also have been knitting in a frenzy whenever I watch a DVD, and it's adding up. Nobody needs these things I make, but it feels like one of the truer parts of the holiday for me.

But my party is the heart of the matter, because I get to feed my friends and see them and wish them well. I like the connections that occur over the season.

Old Age Day by Day December 4, 2010

Yesterday I tried to make a quiet day - no driving. Luckily, my daughter drove us for a bit of shopping, and that was fun. New lipstick is an amazing morale booster. It ought to be part of everyone's health regimen. I order some things online, tried to find Christmas stamps at yet another post office, and laid my Christmas cards out on the dining room table - symbol that I am getting cracking at this holiday thing big time. And - tah dah - I picked the date for my holiday party. Now if I can just get the actual invitations out!

I am a firm believer in several tasks a day until Christmas Eve is here. Bite the bullet, then go do something else. The biggest tasks are getting and decorating the tree, and getting ready for the party and cooking. Those require the whole day, and advance forays into the insane world of holiday shoppers. The driving at this time of year is scary, really, really scary. People do very strange maneuvers, and a parking space becomes a recipe for terror. People who are nice the rest of the year turn naughty, very naughty, and I hope Santa sees them.

This is the season of rage, and you get to witness it in yourself and others. It is not a pretty picture. I do a lot of long breath breathing and try to notice the anger as it arises and falls away. The rest of the year I like to pretend I'm calm, but this season all the volcanic underbelly bubbles up and I see my darker self, suppressed, perhaps, but not vanquished. But constantly doing the gratitude practice aids me in behaving better than I might otherwise. I have a mantra when shopping - I have all the time in the world, let others push in front, who cares? Remember there is instant cocoa at home and my new gadget that steams milk, so I can have a frothy, calming hot drink when I get back.

Equanimity, here I come!

Old Age Day by Day December 3, 2010

Yesterday was not my best day. I witnessed an accident in the morning, and if I'd not been reticent moving into the intersection after the light turned green, I would have been hit by the speeding huge white van instead of the poor guy to my right who turned left and got smashed. It threw me into a surreal state, which made my voice lesson difficult, and had me worrying the rest of the day. I wondered if I should have stopped, despite the police car being right there, and if the people in the cars had been hurt. You never know.

Then, getting in the car to go to chorus last night, I backed up into my own garage door. I'd neglected to open it. I was ready to quit at that point, but knew it was the last rehearsal before dress rehearsal, and I should be there, so I drove over, and took great care choosing a parking place where I thought I wouldn't be hit by another car backing out. I was jumpy, very jumpy.

I guess I was destined yesterday to have a car mishap, and luckily, I had the lesser one. Life can be just too weird some days.

Old Age Day by Day December 1, 2010

I still feel like I'm in motion, after a two day drive back from visiting our daughter and her family for Thanksgiving. It's good to get away - it's good to get back. I don't have the dogs picked up from the kennel yet, so I went out early this morning to get groceries, and discovered I was too early for either store! It was weird. I took a little walk, sat on a bench in the sun, and finally was able to buy what I needed. Today, being the beginning of December, means the roller coaster ride to Christmas has begun. Before that event are two birthdays in our family and my holiday party, and somewhere in there sending Holiday cards. Okay, I can do this. I've done it quite a few times. I even like doing it. That's how crazy I am.

Our Thanksgiving was delightful, with a two year old setting the standard for joy, all four of our kids together and both spouses, as well as my best friend and her sister. Every bit of food was yummy, all three kinds of pie. We had leftovers two days later and that was a scrumptious dinner as well. We went with our granddaughter and daughter and son-in-law to see the lights at the zoo at night, which was magical. I feel so blessed with my family, and the sense of loss I used to feel with everyone dead in the generation above me has dissipated in the growth of our kids' signifigant others and our grandchild. The family feels full again. I truly enjoy being with them all and I really have fun.