Today is our 37th wedding anniversary, and tomorrow we fly to Hawaii for a week. What a treat! Even though it seems to take great effort to get everything arranged, and I'm tired from packing, doing errands and running around, it will be worth it when I'm on the plane. Ironically, it's absolutely beautiful here, no-jacket weather. So I'm leaving paradise for paradise. Oh, well. There I won't be haunted by a to-do list and dust balls and ungroomed dogs. I won't worry about the laundry or groceries or what to wear. I'll wear the few things I brought, and the heck with it.
My foster granddaughter and I watched Pete's Dragon today, and I hadn't seen it since my kids were small. It seemed terrible. I must have been awfully desperate to have a distraction as a mom back then. I like Helen Reddy, but everyone else is overacting and embarassing themselves. It seems to drag on and on. We fast forwarded to the end, we were so bored. At five, my granddaughter is a movie critic, just like me.
I'll need to read my book to wipe out the silly film from my brain. By tomorrow, I'll be singing Iz's songs and Elvis' Blue Hawaii, and embracing a new form of bad lyrics. Island magic, here I come.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 30, 2011
My husband and I watched an old movie - Lake Placid - about a crocodile in a lake in Maine. A 30 foot croc. It's incredibly silly, with Oliver Platt, Bridget Fonda, Bill Pullman, Brendan Gleeson and Betty White. There is a cow hanging from a helicopter and a great surprise attack and heads being bitten off. We had just seen 5 pretty big crocs at the zoo, and their jaws are a whole lot scarier than a sharks'. The plot was just remotely plausible. I'm not sure what appeals to me about the film, but the lake is well captured, so much so that I can smell it's fishiness when I watch.
I guess I think such films help process much scarier real life threats, or at least let the mind tiptoe up to earthquake or fire or a mountain lion in the back yard. The major characters in this film escape death, but you know that wouldn't happen. The first time I saw Deep Blue Sea and the shark grabbed Samuel L. Jackson I screamed. Major stars aren't supposed to get eaten. They tricked us. In that film the good guys don't get saved, except for two. Would I have the brains to go under water and hide? Nope. I'd be eaten as a snack right away, while I was panicing and flailling around. Know thy own cowardice.
But the truth is worse. People are lost or saved mostly randomly. Out of luck or the luck is with you. Good guys get taken, the bad survive. There is no justice. Life lets you dog paddle, then pulls you in eventually - or sooner.
I guess I think such films help process much scarier real life threats, or at least let the mind tiptoe up to earthquake or fire or a mountain lion in the back yard. The major characters in this film escape death, but you know that wouldn't happen. The first time I saw Deep Blue Sea and the shark grabbed Samuel L. Jackson I screamed. Major stars aren't supposed to get eaten. They tricked us. In that film the good guys don't get saved, except for two. Would I have the brains to go under water and hide? Nope. I'd be eaten as a snack right away, while I was panicing and flailling around. Know thy own cowardice.
But the truth is worse. People are lost or saved mostly randomly. Out of luck or the luck is with you. Good guys get taken, the bad survive. There is no justice. Life lets you dog paddle, then pulls you in eventually - or sooner.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 29, 2011
Ah, another day of sun. It feels so good. And I am basking in the memory of our granddaughter, and all the funny, adorable things she said and did. She had admired my nightgown with the flowers on it, and yesterday I found one for her, and will send it off today. My daughter said she cried for me yesterday afternoon, and that made me want to cry, too. I miss her.
How nice it would be to live down the street from her, and have easy visits. But luckily, I get more of that everyday naturalness with my foster granddaughter. A couple of weeks ago there was a talent show at her school, where she's a kindergartener, and she was doing a hula dance with a group of little girls a foot taller. She was so cute, with her hand shading her eyes looking for mommy in the audience. There was also a little girl who did the hula hoop while reciting the alphabet backwards, two magicians whose tricks were impossible to see, a girl band, an adorable girl in fluffy pink who a sang every note off key, and a drummer who had an endless set, and every time we thought he'd ended and starting clapping, he carried on. I thought the proverbial hook was going to have to be used. During the entire show, kids were talking, running around, camera flashes were going off, the microphone was acting up, and generally chaos reigned. I was exhausted afterward, but grinning ear to ear.
The world of children is delightful, and my advanced age allows me to indulge in all the sentimentality I wish. It's not the first time for me, it's the last time. And I treasure it more for that reason.
How nice it would be to live down the street from her, and have easy visits. But luckily, I get more of that everyday naturalness with my foster granddaughter. A couple of weeks ago there was a talent show at her school, where she's a kindergartener, and she was doing a hula dance with a group of little girls a foot taller. She was so cute, with her hand shading her eyes looking for mommy in the audience. There was also a little girl who did the hula hoop while reciting the alphabet backwards, two magicians whose tricks were impossible to see, a girl band, an adorable girl in fluffy pink who a sang every note off key, and a drummer who had an endless set, and every time we thought he'd ended and starting clapping, he carried on. I thought the proverbial hook was going to have to be used. During the entire show, kids were talking, running around, camera flashes were going off, the microphone was acting up, and generally chaos reigned. I was exhausted afterward, but grinning ear to ear.
The world of children is delightful, and my advanced age allows me to indulge in all the sentimentality I wish. It's not the first time for me, it's the last time. And I treasure it more for that reason.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 28, 2011
We waved goodbye to our granddaughter yesterday around 11 am and then packed up the toys, books, puzzles etc and washed the sheets and generally made the house back into a abode for adults after having it arranged as a preschool. It was a delightful week, and she was quite a trooper. She is infinitely entertainable, and so imaginative. She was Amelia Bedelia, and I was Mrs. Lane. She had a pet shop and we were the customers, she was on a boat (our walkway in the back yard) and we were her sailors (even the dogs). Seeing the world through her eyes is the biggest treat possible. Our dogs are despondent, without her presence.
Now I am answering email, doing laundry and preparing for a trip that is for just us old folks. My husband and I are going to Hawaii for a week, so I'm hunting up sandals and shorts and swimsuits. Of course, this week the rain has stopped. It's sunny and I wish we could have had some of this with our granddaughter, but still, Hawaii is a whole other dimension, rain or shine. It will be very relaxing, and yet, and yet, I wish we could take our granddaughter, because her delight would surpass anything we will conjure up on our own.
Now I am answering email, doing laundry and preparing for a trip that is for just us old folks. My husband and I are going to Hawaii for a week, so I'm hunting up sandals and shorts and swimsuits. Of course, this week the rain has stopped. It's sunny and I wish we could have had some of this with our granddaughter, but still, Hawaii is a whole other dimension, rain or shine. It will be very relaxing, and yet, and yet, I wish we could take our granddaughter, because her delight would surpass anything we will conjure up on our own.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 18, 2011
Tomorrow my granddaughter comes for a week visit while her parents take a trip. This is a big step, and we hope we entertain her and keep her happy. She's such a sunny little girl that I imagine it will all go well. I am touched that my daughter has such trust in me. I know, also, it is difficult to be away, even when you need the break. That connection is so strong, and it never is severed. I experience such delight in my granddaughter that I am feeling that the biggest treat is coming my way.
I am going to make a doll pillow this morning - after all, these things are important. I bought a new cloth doll with yarn hair and a yellow print dress. I know they aren't in fashion, but she looks like a child, not a teenager ready for sex. So much of what is in toy stores is frightening. And many dolls wet, drink, dance and do other things that remind me of old Twilight Zone episodes. Scary!
I like dolls that look like children, with childrens bodies, and wear play clothes not prom dresses. I do not like glitter, neon pink hair and plastic jewelry. My foster granddaughter has somehow been exposed to these "cool" brands and begs for them if she sees them. We had an argument yesterday over a sliver thread sweater she wanted, and then a "Moxie girl" sweatshirt. She didn't really know what a Moxie girl was but she had heard older girls talking about them. We went out of the store with drawing pads. At the next store she picked out a party dress, but at least it was a child's dress, with no hints of prepubescence or seduction. I got it for her, though it's only useful for birthday parties. At least it was made of beautiful, big red and pink flowers, and I wanted to reward her good taste. Also, it was used, so the price was right.
The culture is so much more powerful than my own taste, but as I explained to my foster granddaughter, if it's my money, it has to be something I like as well. She's five, but she heard me. She's one smart cookie.
I am going to make a doll pillow this morning - after all, these things are important. I bought a new cloth doll with yarn hair and a yellow print dress. I know they aren't in fashion, but she looks like a child, not a teenager ready for sex. So much of what is in toy stores is frightening. And many dolls wet, drink, dance and do other things that remind me of old Twilight Zone episodes. Scary!
I like dolls that look like children, with childrens bodies, and wear play clothes not prom dresses. I do not like glitter, neon pink hair and plastic jewelry. My foster granddaughter has somehow been exposed to these "cool" brands and begs for them if she sees them. We had an argument yesterday over a sliver thread sweater she wanted, and then a "Moxie girl" sweatshirt. She didn't really know what a Moxie girl was but she had heard older girls talking about them. We went out of the store with drawing pads. At the next store she picked out a party dress, but at least it was a child's dress, with no hints of prepubescence or seduction. I got it for her, though it's only useful for birthday parties. At least it was made of beautiful, big red and pink flowers, and I wanted to reward her good taste. Also, it was used, so the price was right.
The culture is so much more powerful than my own taste, but as I explained to my foster granddaughter, if it's my money, it has to be something I like as well. She's five, but she heard me. She's one smart cookie.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 17, 2011
Top o' the mornin to ye! Yes, I have a green sweater on right now. It's lime green, but close enough. There is an extra poignancy about today, as Ireland is really struggling right now, and I've written about the horses and devastation of the people. Luckily, my relatives are employed and secure, but it's been a blow to everyone there, especially after a few boom years where Ireland seemed to really get on it's feet. As for the green beer and pinching, I'm skipping it. But once we were in Manhattan on this day, and the enormous parade of people with green faces, hair and the leprechauns and red beards and general silliness was so delightful I realized how fun the event can be. And then there is that fiddle music and the dancing. Not so much going on here. Try Cinco de Mayo. It works better in my neck of the woods.
I'm praying today is the day the electricity gets hooked up at the nuclear reactors in Japan, and they can cool down the core before a catastrophe occurs. Everyone everywhere is holding their breath, hoping the suffering of the Japanese won't be further heightened by a meltdown. My husband and I spent many years fighting against nuclear power plants, and now, just thinking about plants on the beach in our state sends shivers up my spine. It may be generally safe, it may be cost efficient, but when there is an accident, the costs are too high.
I'm praying today is the day the electricity gets hooked up at the nuclear reactors in Japan, and they can cool down the core before a catastrophe occurs. Everyone everywhere is holding their breath, hoping the suffering of the Japanese won't be further heightened by a meltdown. My husband and I spent many years fighting against nuclear power plants, and now, just thinking about plants on the beach in our state sends shivers up my spine. It may be generally safe, it may be cost efficient, but when there is an accident, the costs are too high.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 16, 2011
Another rainy day. I plan to take myself out for Indian food at lunch, with one of my McCarry novels, and also buy plants for a fountain we cleaned up in the sunroom over the weekend. The sound is sometimes soothing and often makes me need to pea, so it must be turned on judiciously. The sunroom is no longer the jungle room, at least until everything grows back, drops off or dies. It is a rule in our house. All orchids and bonzais die, usually immediately, upon seeing who their new caretakers are. Now I have nothing but hearty philodendrons, a huge fig, and succulents. Those succulents can take a lot of abuse, which is why we have many, many pots of Christmas cacti. Outside, we stick to azaleas, camillias, and those tough iris that can withstand being snacked upon by labs.
We once had a beautiful back yard, with a pond, stream and baby tears. That was before the twins, as the vet likes to call them. Now we have bare ground, a lot of muddy balls and bushes that can withstand the impact of a body slamming 75 pound dog. There are rocks and wooden pathways and trees. They have not taken to tree climbing so far.
The male dog is now relaxing in my black leather chair, spreading the mud evenly over all surfaces. The female, slightly grumpy, as usual, is lying on the walkway getting damp enough to destroy the rug in the kitchen when we go back inside. And they wonder why they get locked in the kitchen when we're gone.
We once had a beautiful back yard, with a pond, stream and baby tears. That was before the twins, as the vet likes to call them. Now we have bare ground, a lot of muddy balls and bushes that can withstand the impact of a body slamming 75 pound dog. There are rocks and wooden pathways and trees. They have not taken to tree climbing so far.
The male dog is now relaxing in my black leather chair, spreading the mud evenly over all surfaces. The female, slightly grumpy, as usual, is lying on the walkway getting damp enough to destroy the rug in the kitchen when we go back inside. And they wonder why they get locked in the kitchen when we're gone.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 15, 2011
I'm about to finish another socko novel by Charles McCarry. "Tears of Autumn" was written in 1974 and published in paperback a couple of years ago. It has a theory of JFK's assassination that makes sense and even if you don't buy it, informs the reader of what the geopolitical situation at the time really was. His political thrillers are nail biting and cause the reader to analyze and piece together the complex information that is presented. I'm a fan, now. He holds a mirror up to us as a country, and insists we look at ourselves more lucidly, and cast aside the romantic myths we hold dear.
It's humid here, and hard to adjust to since we tend to dryness. I've lived in the midwest, the east coast and on a tropical island, but it's been many, many years, and I'm surprised to be sweaty and not need covers at night. Of course, like everything else, this could be a symptom of old age, but I prefer to believe it's a weather pattern. As Mother Nature reminded us Friday, the planet rules, not the people. Her random acts of kindness and cruelty fall where they will. Then we play catch up.
It's humid here, and hard to adjust to since we tend to dryness. I've lived in the midwest, the east coast and on a tropical island, but it's been many, many years, and I'm surprised to be sweaty and not need covers at night. Of course, like everything else, this could be a symptom of old age, but I prefer to believe it's a weather pattern. As Mother Nature reminded us Friday, the planet rules, not the people. Her random acts of kindness and cruelty fall where they will. Then we play catch up.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 14, 2011
After the Buddhist study group Saturday, my teacher and I and another member met at the art museum. We saw Tibetan bronzes and other pieces, all a image of Buddha. Their beauty and expression was a balm to our shocked psyches after the images coming out of Japan. These art objects were from six or more centuries ago. And they comforted people suffering then as they do now.
The we saw a room of Eva Hesse's studio materials that she was working on at her death. They all seemed so body based and organic, and the rich ochre hue of some of the hangings were alive with what seemed like blood soaked testaments to our suffering. I've loved her work since I first saw it, but especially since the MOMA had a big show a few years ago. She didn't live long, but she lived vividly, with great impact.
And the surprise at the museum was the Whistler show of some of his etchings. The drawings were immensely detailed, so you could gaze seemingly forever, finding new images to explore. Many were set in Italy, especially Venice, and also other parts of Europe. His noctural drawings are my favorites, where the artwork is all atmosphere, and the environment envelopes us as well. I immediately wanted to have to catalog, and am determined to return to see that show again. Whistler was amazing, and his work only grows richer with time.
By the time I'd returned home, I was feeling the gift of people's artistic endeavors and imaginations, which remind us we are capable of transcending everything, even time.
The we saw a room of Eva Hesse's studio materials that she was working on at her death. They all seemed so body based and organic, and the rich ochre hue of some of the hangings were alive with what seemed like blood soaked testaments to our suffering. I've loved her work since I first saw it, but especially since the MOMA had a big show a few years ago. She didn't live long, but she lived vividly, with great impact.
And the surprise at the museum was the Whistler show of some of his etchings. The drawings were immensely detailed, so you could gaze seemingly forever, finding new images to explore. Many were set in Italy, especially Venice, and also other parts of Europe. His noctural drawings are my favorites, where the artwork is all atmosphere, and the environment envelopes us as well. I immediately wanted to have to catalog, and am determined to return to see that show again. Whistler was amazing, and his work only grows richer with time.
By the time I'd returned home, I was feeling the gift of people's artistic endeavors and imaginations, which remind us we are capable of transcending everything, even time.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 13, 2011
I had a busy day yesterday, with the Buddhist study group at my house then seeing Tibetan art with my teacher, going out for a bite to eat with my husband, then seeing middle school kids perform in a play they wrote. My friend and I, many years ago, were told by a teacher that a metal shop at the middle school campus had been abandoned, and of course, the arts had been eliminated from the curriculum, and we decided to organize a campaign to make the empty metal shop into a theater. Many parents and neighbors and artisans donated their efforts and materials to cleaning out the junk, fixing up the space, getting lighting, benches, etc. And over a dozen years later it is still going strong, with teachers using elective time to encourage stagecraft and acting and writing. The play was amazingly sophisticated and the enthusiasm of the kids delightful.
We began a mentor program as well, and that is still functioning as well. It felt good to celebrate our trust that if we got things started, the school would keep it going. It doesn't take much to make a difference. Boxes of costumes and other things we lugged around may have caused a twinge or two to this day in our backs, but they remind us how caring about the little things causes a response that ripples onward.
We began a mentor program as well, and that is still functioning as well. It felt good to celebrate our trust that if we got things started, the school would keep it going. It doesn't take much to make a difference. Boxes of costumes and other things we lugged around may have caused a twinge or two to this day in our backs, but they remind us how caring about the little things causes a response that ripples onward.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 11, 2011
When I returned from a dog walk with a friend, I was devastated to learn of the Japanese earthquake. It's terrifying and disturbing. It seems like we were just seeing the videos of the New Zealand earthquake, and now this one. Here on the west coast we worry constantly about quakes, and at the magnitude of the Japanese one, we can't even imagine if or how we would survive. We are shaken here, and our hearts are broken yet again, for the people and beings deeply affected. I'm grateful my Buddhist study group meets here tomorrow to share in prayers and the sorrow.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 10, 2011
I know its spring because I have the urge to plant, plant, plant. Pansies, cyclamen, primroses, I don't care. The earth is damp from our rains, and maybe I could actually dig in it, despite my diminished capacities due to arthritis, and oh how a blossom makes me mad with joy. I may just get a few teeny tiny plants at Trader Joe's today. Part of my grocery bill. Hardly noticable.
I'm getting excited about my granddaughter coming for a week. We're all crazy about her here, and as her agent, I must be careful not to overbook her. Uncles and Aunts are clamoring for time, and friends, and we need to get to the steam trains and the aquarium. She's such an enthusiast, at her age, and it rubs off on everyone around her. The world looks brighter and better when she's around.
Today I have my foster granddaughter, and if her cough is better, we will eat late lunch at the ice cream parlor, and stroll a bit in shops. Then it's home where I have a new Olivia DVD for her, which I know she'll love. Small children are the icing on life.
I'm getting excited about my granddaughter coming for a week. We're all crazy about her here, and as her agent, I must be careful not to overbook her. Uncles and Aunts are clamoring for time, and friends, and we need to get to the steam trains and the aquarium. She's such an enthusiast, at her age, and it rubs off on everyone around her. The world looks brighter and better when she's around.
Today I have my foster granddaughter, and if her cough is better, we will eat late lunch at the ice cream parlor, and stroll a bit in shops. Then it's home where I have a new Olivia DVD for her, which I know she'll love. Small children are the icing on life.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 9, 2011
I am wearing a belt today, WITH my tee shirt tucked inside. This is an event. I always wear my shirt outside, and maybe occasionally I belt a sweater, because the whole thing then is covering my tummy. What has gotten into me I do not know. I don't even think I look bad. This is some kind of breakdown I'm sure. Either that or I have pruned the trees and bushes and am now baring myself as well. Have a lost weight? I haven't checked yet, but it is a possibility. I'm supposed to be trying, according to my doctor. Next thing you know, I'll have gone nuts and will wear a bathing suit in the streets.
Today is my voice lesson, and I have Spanish tonight. My brain is going to be under extreme stress, and perhaps is already entering territory where I imagine myself slim and beltable. Now, I grant you, the belt is long enough to wrap around a car, but still, it is buckled, not tight and there are no unseemly bulges protruding. I need a picture of me, so I can prove to myself that I am not, I repeat not, a basketball with clothes. Seeing is believing.
Today is my voice lesson, and I have Spanish tonight. My brain is going to be under extreme stress, and perhaps is already entering territory where I imagine myself slim and beltable. Now, I grant you, the belt is long enough to wrap around a car, but still, it is buckled, not tight and there are no unseemly bulges protruding. I need a picture of me, so I can prove to myself that I am not, I repeat not, a basketball with clothes. Seeing is believing.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 8, 2011
Happy International Women's Day! A good friend reminded me, so I'm passing it on. When I think of the suffering of women in the world, I feel angry, upset, and disappointed. I'd hoped my daughters would have a more equitable life than we did, and that our granddaughters would be free of second class citizenship. But we are still not paid equal pay for equal work, men attempt to dictate what we do, they brutalize and sell us into slavery. We can't elect a President or even Vice President who is female in this country, and our compassion and connection to our children is used against us at every turn. Where is the child care? How is it we let our daughters be sexualized practically from birth? Why, when over half the students in college are women, are most of their teachers male or untenured females? We not only don't own our bodies, we don't fight the situation. We train our daughters to diet and dream of princes.
I worry about the power inequity. Not only between rich and poor, but because the poor are so often women and children. And yet we do the the vast majority of the work that helps humanity survive. The men don't want to do it. They want to drink strong coffee in cafes and argue politics, then come home drunk and demand to have supper waiting. In our culture we could achieve more if we supported the few women candidates who want to really change all this. Not the women in suits who power broke; the women who identify with all women. It should not be shameful to be a feminist. All we want is fairness, and the oppression to end. But evidently that is too radical to acknowledge openly. We prefer to pretend that having a Visa card is independence. Wake up.
I worry about the power inequity. Not only between rich and poor, but because the poor are so often women and children. And yet we do the the vast majority of the work that helps humanity survive. The men don't want to do it. They want to drink strong coffee in cafes and argue politics, then come home drunk and demand to have supper waiting. In our culture we could achieve more if we supported the few women candidates who want to really change all this. Not the women in suits who power broke; the women who identify with all women. It should not be shameful to be a feminist. All we want is fairness, and the oppression to end. But evidently that is too radical to acknowledge openly. We prefer to pretend that having a Visa card is independence. Wake up.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 7, 2011
My friend sent advice to cover our dog's crate so she couldn't see out at night, and that worked. But yesterday she had a rash on her belly, so today she has to go in to the vet to see what's up. Dogs are mysteries, that's for sure. I thought maybe a little hydrocortizone cream would help, but no, it can't be that simple and especially can't be that inexpensive. I should have done the dog insurance.
Yesterday we washed windows and counters and cabinets. I have an inordinate amount of satisfaction every time we're done with a particular task. I'd gotten bogged down in procrastination, to the the point it was working against me, I guess. In between, I read a McCarry political thriller, he's my new best read, and we walked the dogs and got rained on, and I talked to three of my kids on the phone.
I've lost that drive to see the new play or movie or exhibit. I'm very relaxed about it all now. Somewhere in my brain I feel full - like I could mull over the marvelous things I've already seen, really take them in, and be perfectly happy. I know that's not quite true, but the littler things give me more consistent pleasure nowadays. Seeing a friend, walking the neighborhood looking at flowering trees, figuring out what to cook for dinner and relaxing into the comfort of concocting a meal. I've pared down my life a bit, and it's fine.
Same with travel. I don't have the urge as much, and a small trip nearby will do. I can live with what I haven't seen. It feels like the torch has passed, and now I'm content to hear about the kids' travels, or look at old photos of my own. This may be particular to me, but it feels like a stage of life.
Yesterday we washed windows and counters and cabinets. I have an inordinate amount of satisfaction every time we're done with a particular task. I'd gotten bogged down in procrastination, to the the point it was working against me, I guess. In between, I read a McCarry political thriller, he's my new best read, and we walked the dogs and got rained on, and I talked to three of my kids on the phone.
I've lost that drive to see the new play or movie or exhibit. I'm very relaxed about it all now. Somewhere in my brain I feel full - like I could mull over the marvelous things I've already seen, really take them in, and be perfectly happy. I know that's not quite true, but the littler things give me more consistent pleasure nowadays. Seeing a friend, walking the neighborhood looking at flowering trees, figuring out what to cook for dinner and relaxing into the comfort of concocting a meal. I've pared down my life a bit, and it's fine.
Same with travel. I don't have the urge as much, and a small trip nearby will do. I can live with what I haven't seen. It feels like the torch has passed, and now I'm content to hear about the kids' travels, or look at old photos of my own. This may be particular to me, but it feels like a stage of life.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 5, 2011
The newspaper this morning had an article about the 6th mass extinction of species happening in about 300 years. The last mass extinction was during the dinosaur wipeout. It's hard to know how to process this information. No scientific research has seemed to have much of an impact on the general public, and if Al Gore couldn't wake people up, I doubt this news will. It's too big, too hard to wrap the mind around, and we are a culture of distraction. Anyway, so much for the morning news.
Our female dog is having barking fits at one thirty am every night, and we can't quite figure out what it is. And the less sleep we get, the harder it is to use the ole brain to find a solution. There may be a skunk, is may be bored, a kitty may be taunting her, she may be having an existential moment of aloneness. It's hard to say. I know someone who calls a pet psychic who listens to the dog breathe over the phone and diagnoses. But I'm afraid I'm one of ye of little faith.
I refuse to have the dogs in our bedroom, but traipsing up and down the stairs in the dark is heading for the emergency room. The dog has always been moody, but at this rate she's going to not like her newly moody owners even more than the things she sees in the night. Perhaps a sleep mask is the answer. Or at least earplugs for us.
Our female dog is having barking fits at one thirty am every night, and we can't quite figure out what it is. And the less sleep we get, the harder it is to use the ole brain to find a solution. There may be a skunk, is may be bored, a kitty may be taunting her, she may be having an existential moment of aloneness. It's hard to say. I know someone who calls a pet psychic who listens to the dog breathe over the phone and diagnoses. But I'm afraid I'm one of ye of little faith.
I refuse to have the dogs in our bedroom, but traipsing up and down the stairs in the dark is heading for the emergency room. The dog has always been moody, but at this rate she's going to not like her newly moody owners even more than the things she sees in the night. Perhaps a sleep mask is the answer. Or at least earplugs for us.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 4, 2011
I saw Cara Black last night, and she was delightful. Very accessible and friendly. She even came around before the reading and showed us all the February issue of National Geographic with it's map of Paris' underground tunnels. She made writing seem exciting and doeable, and as she had been a preschool teacher, something where a big switch can take place, even when it seems too late. I stood in line and had her inscribe a book for my older daughter, who loves her novels. I wished she were with me to hear her, but maybe she has seen the author, as Ms. Black had recently been to that city as well.
I came home full of ideas for novels and mysteries, and understanding better the underlying structure of a mystery. They are puzzles that must be carefully placed or the plot makes no sense. Unlike life, where nobody is placing the pieces or considering an overall plan unless it is we, ourselves. Sometimes, long after an event, I realize I did, at least subconsciously, place a piece in hopes of a later outcome I'd like, but not often. Of course, education and career choices are puzzle pieces, but seldom relationships. And luck and serendipity seem, to me at least, to play a major role in how a life unfolds. The best preparation seems to be flexibility and a sense of humor, as well as a strong sense of resilience.
So - "Murder in Passy" promises to be a delightful read, and in the process I will learn more about Paris and its districts and history and ambiance. I love that.
I came home full of ideas for novels and mysteries, and understanding better the underlying structure of a mystery. They are puzzles that must be carefully placed or the plot makes no sense. Unlike life, where nobody is placing the pieces or considering an overall plan unless it is we, ourselves. Sometimes, long after an event, I realize I did, at least subconsciously, place a piece in hopes of a later outcome I'd like, but not often. Of course, education and career choices are puzzle pieces, but seldom relationships. And luck and serendipity seem, to me at least, to play a major role in how a life unfolds. The best preparation seems to be flexibility and a sense of humor, as well as a strong sense of resilience.
So - "Murder in Passy" promises to be a delightful read, and in the process I will learn more about Paris and its districts and history and ambiance. I love that.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 3, 2011
Last night at my Spanish class I was feeling frustrated and a bit embarrassed, because I feel I should be further along than I am. I don't study much in between classes, and I probably should get the Rosetta Stone Spanish, because when I saw it on my daughter's computer, I realized how visual I am. I don't think I retain enough aurally. So, though some of my slowness might be aging, it is also lack of effort and unwillingness to put the money down where it might do the most good.
I know I used a lot of "Should"s in the previous rant, and there is no should. Nobody is pushing me, or pressuring me, and I have no travel plans to a Spanish speaking country. So the standard by which I'm measuring myself is my own. This is a pattern that I recognize with studying languages. Throughout my life, I have been unwilling to study really hard, and go the lab, listen to the tapes enough to really master the language. The one chance I had for immersion was living in a foreign country for two years, but everyone spoke English to me, even my husband, who by simply speaking his language when with me, could have allowed me to be proficient. I did not take advantage of my opportunity .
Now it may be that I'm having one of those irresistible impulses to put myself down. It happens. The voice of my long dead parents pop up and act disappointed in me. I begin comparing myself to others and find myself wanting. I have all the bad habits at my fingertips when I feel like being miserable.
Or it could be, if I examine the situation carefully, that there is an adjustment I could make that would facilitate the learning process, and I am blocking it. Hummmm. A change in my schedule next week, allowing for some new effort, a baby one, would not be too hard, now would it?
I know I used a lot of "Should"s in the previous rant, and there is no should. Nobody is pushing me, or pressuring me, and I have no travel plans to a Spanish speaking country. So the standard by which I'm measuring myself is my own. This is a pattern that I recognize with studying languages. Throughout my life, I have been unwilling to study really hard, and go the lab, listen to the tapes enough to really master the language. The one chance I had for immersion was living in a foreign country for two years, but everyone spoke English to me, even my husband, who by simply speaking his language when with me, could have allowed me to be proficient. I did not take advantage of my opportunity .
Now it may be that I'm having one of those irresistible impulses to put myself down. It happens. The voice of my long dead parents pop up and act disappointed in me. I begin comparing myself to others and find myself wanting. I have all the bad habits at my fingertips when I feel like being miserable.
Or it could be, if I examine the situation carefully, that there is an adjustment I could make that would facilitate the learning process, and I am blocking it. Hummmm. A change in my schedule next week, allowing for some new effort, a baby one, would not be too hard, now would it?
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 2, 2011
The tree people are here again, and I don't mean a singing group. The noise sounds like dentist drills for giants. They are friendly and funny and have taken over my island of solitude for another day. I'll be ready by noon to escape for a while. Already there is a feeling of light and space that I like. It feels like a new haircut for the house. I just hope the styling is okay when its done.
I had lunch with a friend yesterday and afterward looked at her two goldfish in a basin in her back yard. One is white and one orange. They a big bellied goldfish, so they looked chubby and sweet. I realized that I haven't thought of fish as pets since our younger son had some for a few years. But they did seem dear and watching them swim is relaxing. My friend has it all set up to siphon half the water out and replace it every few days to refresh the water, and the sun on the water and the plants floating in the middle made it seem a kind environment. I guess I've had cats for so many years I never thought of fish, but now that our two cats are deceased, we might carefully bring fish into our lives. Perhaps two crazy dogs are enough, however. It's a full time job being in charge of them.
And this morning I noticed my first daffodils had sprung up and opened. The kind with white outer petals and the cone of yellow. Nothing is more lovely to me.
I had lunch with a friend yesterday and afterward looked at her two goldfish in a basin in her back yard. One is white and one orange. They a big bellied goldfish, so they looked chubby and sweet. I realized that I haven't thought of fish as pets since our younger son had some for a few years. But they did seem dear and watching them swim is relaxing. My friend has it all set up to siphon half the water out and replace it every few days to refresh the water, and the sun on the water and the plants floating in the middle made it seem a kind environment. I guess I've had cats for so many years I never thought of fish, but now that our two cats are deceased, we might carefully bring fish into our lives. Perhaps two crazy dogs are enough, however. It's a full time job being in charge of them.
And this morning I noticed my first daffodils had sprung up and opened. The kind with white outer petals and the cone of yellow. Nothing is more lovely to me.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Old Age Day by Day March 1, 2011
Wow! March. Mad as a March Hare. What does that mean? There are six guys in my back yard readying themselves to prune most of our trees. Did they call before they came? Of course not. Soon there will be whirring and saw screaming and shades of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Luckily, I can always get in the car and escape. On the weekend, my husband and I probably got bleach poisoning cleaning the showers. Now noise pollution. But I'm happy with the bathrooms and will be with the yard. Spring. It is a madness.
Many daffodils are out, and tulip trees and grape hyacinths are almost ready. It's a joy to walk the neighborhood. I'm thinking of sandals, and maybe a dress. The first day I can walk the dogs in the morning without a jacket. No mud. Baseball. Ah, March.
Many daffodils are out, and tulip trees and grape hyacinths are almost ready. It's a joy to walk the neighborhood. I'm thinking of sandals, and maybe a dress. The first day I can walk the dogs in the morning without a jacket. No mud. Baseball. Ah, March.
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