Last night at my Spanish class I was feeling frustrated and a bit embarrassed, because I feel I should be further along than I am. I don't study much in between classes, and I probably should get the Rosetta Stone Spanish, because when I saw it on my daughter's computer, I realized how visual I am. I don't think I retain enough aurally. So, though some of my slowness might be aging, it is also lack of effort and unwillingness to put the money down where it might do the most good.
I know I used a lot of "Should"s in the previous rant, and there is no should. Nobody is pushing me, or pressuring me, and I have no travel plans to a Spanish speaking country. So the standard by which I'm measuring myself is my own. This is a pattern that I recognize with studying languages. Throughout my life, I have been unwilling to study really hard, and go the lab, listen to the tapes enough to really master the language. The one chance I had for immersion was living in a foreign country for two years, but everyone spoke English to me, even my husband, who by simply speaking his language when with me, could have allowed me to be proficient. I did not take advantage of my opportunity .
Now it may be that I'm having one of those irresistible impulses to put myself down. It happens. The voice of my long dead parents pop up and act disappointed in me. I begin comparing myself to others and find myself wanting. I have all the bad habits at my fingertips when I feel like being miserable.
Or it could be, if I examine the situation carefully, that there is an adjustment I could make that would facilitate the learning process, and I am blocking it. Hummmm. A change in my schedule next week, allowing for some new effort, a baby one, would not be too hard, now would it?
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