Old Age Day by Day April 30, 2011

The tornadoes in the Midwest and South are disturbing, and they cut a swath through places I have lived. Most of my relatives are in Missouri, and I lived as a child in Alabama and Virginia. My friend's daughter lives in Atlanta. Like an earthquake, there is not enough time to go anywhere else. You can only hunker down. In a moment, everything you own is wiped away. The pictures are eerily like the ones in Japan. As the character Jeff Goldblum plays in Jurassic Park II says, "Mommy's very angry". Mother Nature has her tough side, and she rules.

It seems like we have a basic need to pretend we're in control of our lives, even though logically we know differently. These events shake our foundations, and remind us that life is fragile and ephemeral. Even the Royal Wedding yesterday reminded us of beauty and romance being taken suddenly and without rectification. There was no happily ever after for Princess Diana, and her legendary beauty was snuffed out at it's height, in an instant, in an underground tunnel at night. There are no promises made to us. And none we can keep if fate denies us. So I try to treasure each day, appreciate being alive, and enjoy my blessings. Yes, this means my grumpiness is over for now.

Old Age Day by Day April 29, 2011

I was really grumpy yesterday. Nothing exactly went WRONG, but I was irritated and had a bright pink face. Then at bedtime, I realized that my neighbor had died Tuesday, and I'd learned that my dear friend's brother was dying, and yet I'd been busy and not really allowed myself to focus on those sad events. I wrote a letter to my friend's brother, and who knows what to say and how to say it. I'm trying to absorb the news, but it seems to mainly be manifesting in paranoia about the skin cancer I had on my arm, and a feeling that I am prey and something is about to jump out at me from behind a bush. If death is the predator, then I am far from alone, but I feel this heightened flight response from deep in my body. It's plain old scary.

I will attempt to have a quiet weekend, and see if my feelings can settle down in my body. I will let myself feel sad. I will remember I don't know what the future holds for myself or anyone else. So all I can do is keep my connections current and healthy, and my mind kind to myself and my fears. I am not alone.

Old Age Day by Day April 28, 2011

Yesterday I worked on a baby quilt at a friend's house. It has nests, birds and eggs in the various fabrics. It's fun to work with and couldn't be more springlike. Sewing with friends feeds the hunger for continuity we all possess. At the same time we were sewing, we were sharing our feelings about our neighbor who had died the day before of melanoma. I said it seemed strange to think of him dying in the spring, but my friend thought it must have been comforting to him. Seasons and change. We resist or long for both. It is our struggle on the planet.

The door to the studio is open, and I can hear birds. The dogs are sunning themselves on the dirt outside. It's day to treasure.

Old Age Day by Day April 27, 2011

I watched the old movie "Lost Horizon" last night. I'd vaguely remembered it from television when I was a kid. I used to love Ronald Coleman's voice. I was especially adoring of "Tale of Two Cities" and "Prisoner of Zenda", which conformed to my Victor Hugo/Alexandre Dumas romance/adventure and FRENCH teenage sensibilities. I realized the irony when I began the movie: I've always had a love of Eastern spirituality, but I'd forgotten this film is set in Tibet. There is a "High Lama" and Coleman's character becomes enchanted with the philosophy and way of life in this isolated culture. Not unlike myself. The sad thing is parts of the film have disintegrated over time, and in certain scenes you get the soundtrack but only still pictures on the screen. It points out the importance of preservation of film. Certainly, this film was a part of my childhood and many other people, and its points are as wise today as way back then. Coleman is a British diplomat who is tired of the world of war and aggression. He is looking for something to believe in.

I highly recommend this film. It is so representative of the ennui between the two World Wars, and the search for some other way to get along on the planet.

Old Age Day by Day April 26, 2011

I saw a wonderful film Sunday with a friend - "Certified Copy". My favorite actress alive is Juliette Binoche, and she was amazing in this film, directed by an Iranian and filmed in Tuscany. It's a European film, spoken in three languages:English, Italian and French. So lots of subtitles. It's slow and meandering, and seductive for that reason. When the plot begins to surprise us, we are jolted alert, and after that, attend to every word uttered by the actors. And the film, seemingly about a day in the countryside of two strangers, becomes enlarged and enlarged until it seems a complete allegory. It's about marriage, the differences between men and women and how they see their world, and about time and change. Along the way are discussions about art and originals and copies, and other intellectual ideas that become grounded by human feelings and subjectivity.

I adored it. I can't wait to see it again, and I've thought about marriage, and how it changes, and how we seek ourselves as we were at the beginning, but nothing stays the same. I've learned from this film, something that informs my own personal life, but also something that connects me to the wishes and dreams of all humans everywhere.

Old Age Day by Day April 25, 2011

Someone tried to steal the catalytic converter on our car. They tried to saw it off, but couldn't get it entirely disconnected. A few weeks ago, someone tired to break into our garage. So the car in in the shop and we have a new lock on the garage door. It's disconcerting. There is enough noise on our street that it's hard to pick out what is going on and whether to go down and check on sounds. But the big problem is that for five years, the people on that side next door have lived elsewhere, and we have no live human neighbors. And I lot of people seem to have figured that out. I wish they'd sell the house or rent it, but no. They leave it empty. It's frustrating.

The car is in our driveway, off the street, but we can't put it in our garage, which is filled with other vehicles and junk. My neighbors get cars stolen, and there is a high level of that kind of crime. I'd have to move out of my urban setting to feel somewhat safe, but where? My friends and community is here, and I'm too old to start over. We just have to be careful. But it puts a damper on a day that is drizzly and dreary, where we're contemplating whether to walk the dogs now or hope for a dryer spell later in the day. No biggie, but, as I said, disconcerting.

Old Age Day by Day April 24, 2011

I can hear children yelling and searching for eggs in neighboring yards, but here we are quiet. My husband suggested we hide eggs from the dogs, but I decided it was unwise. I love the spring parts of Easter - the flowers, baskets, bunnies, chicks, but those are for small ones. We will eat lunch with our grown daughter and then go to a movie. It is a holiday celebrating a miracle, and the mystery of it is deeply appealing to me. I used to love sunrise service, and the coconut cake my mother made with a dyed green coconut nest, jelly bean eggs and a couple of fuzzy yellow chicks in the icing. Coconut cake is still my absolute favorite. I also admit to an addiction to Cadbury eggs at one time. I loved the cream center looking like an egg yolk, and one of those suckers would sit in my belly for a gratifyingly long time. Now I don't have sugar, so what's the fun? Although I have seen marshmellow peeps that are sugar free. And marshmellow is another food group I miss.

So today will be about imagining my granddaughters with their baskets hunting in their back yards, and being grateful for them and my family and the sounds of joy from the neighborhood. It's great to be alive and hearing the new with these old ears.

Old Age Day by Day April 23, 2011

My husband is beginning his paperwork for his retirement. It's a huge step, and what is beyond it is unknown. He seems happy enough with the idea of stopping work, and I must admit I've had little problem myself. But my situation was that my writing was where my heart was, and the teaching, while gratifying, was not how I identified myself. I probably felt best when I ran a safehouse for battered women. It contained more of the elements of work I value. I knew I was saving lives, I got to draw on my domestic experiences, and there was training/teaching as well. I also was in an adversarial position, which is where I fit best. My father had than kind of job, integrating factories before it was the law. He liked to do the right thing before it was accepted, and stick his neck out. I do as well.

But my love was writing, and I regret not being forceful enough with the business end of it to get more published. I'm shy that way. I have novels, a mystery and one memoir that have never been published. Of course, it's never too late, but so far my energy level sinks when I contemplate such efforts.

My husband will have to reorient himself completely, as he will have no lab, equipment or ability to conduct experiments. If science is in his future, as well as his past, it will have to take a different form.

But you never know, he may discover his true passion, or just love working of puzzles and drawing. I'm pretty sure, for a while, he'll be catching up on his rest. There is a kind of exhaustion that requires attention when you no longer go to a job. It's time to feed the kitty. Then see what's next.

Old Age Day by Day April 22, 2011

Today is our granddaughter's birthday, and it's also Earth Day. I think she was bore on a fortuitous holiday. When I think of her cliches upon cliches abound. She is a blessing to us, she is a ray of sunshine, she lights up our lives. I could go on and on in nauseating fashion, but I will spare you. I'm happy she's in the world and hope she lives long and prospers.

I have a meeting with my Buddhist teacher this afternoon, so blessings and gratitude on on my plate. I have wonderful family, many dear friends, a comfortable life. I have the luxury of examining my intentions and actions, and the health and mind to do this work of not harming others, which does take great effort. I will go over with my teacher a recent interaction with a friend to check if my instincts and speech were coming from the right place and not unintentional harming. This scrupulousness is my gift to myself and others. It's invisible and silent, but it means a kind of awareness that I've seldom had in the past. I am grateful for this work that is not work, and for my witness to it.

Old Age Day by Day April 21, 2011

My foster granddaughter's mother just picked her up. We had a long day, from 7:30 am, but we did well. We went to lunch and a movie. I let her have vanilla ice cream first, while I ate my food, then we bought her a quesadilla which she had to eat before she could have a candy, though she actually picked a fruit roll up. I like to get the dessert pressure out of the way, and then she concentrates on the main part of the meal. We shopped in a bookstore that is closing, and found a bunny for her, a bunny book, and a book about Tangled. I got five little stuffed animals for both my granddaughters to play with at my house, a children's book about dogs, and two kids' DVDs.
I attempted to look for books for myself, but that was a foolish thought, and I gave up after a few minutes. I'll have to return if I want anything for an adult to read.

We dressed dolls, and fixed their hair, and she dressed up in a Halloween costume from my younger daughter's childhood. I've now straightened the dolls, put away the clothes box, put the stuffed animals back on the shelf and put away the kids' movies. It will have to be an R rated movie tonight, if anything. It was gorgeously sunny and warm today, and the windows are open. I'm thinking about gardening again. Who knows? It may yet come to pass.

Old Age Day by Day April 20, 2011

Our younger son stopped by last night after work and stayed for leftovers. His dog is really becoming a part of the family, and our dogs recognize the connection, but our female dog is a bit jealous of our son's attention to him. Anyway, it's nice, a passel of dogs, all with new collars from Hawaii that I brought back with me, looking spiffy. I am fond of our older son and daughter's cats, and our younger daughter's boyfriend has two cats. For a few years, I said I had two grandhorses and 20 grandponies, when my daughter-in-law owned a pony school. She's now sold it, but recently her childhood horse died and soon after one of the ponies, both from old age, and I felt very sad. Our pets are so good to us, so loyal and loving, and it's like an angel leaving our side.

I'm one of those people who loves horses and read every horse book cover to cover as a kid, but I never wanted to ride them, just loved being around them. We leased a pony when the kids were small and later had a horse for 7 years. I never rode, but I talked to her and missed her when we moved. Our older kids both rode for many years, but our son really just loved horses as pets, whereas our daughter liked the riding. The younger two never got the riding bug, but both love animals. Learning to respect and love animals is integral to a good character. I take my foster granddaughter to see the ponies at the old stables, and my granddaughter as well. When she was here recently we spent a lot of time feeding carrots to the ponies, and they were like old friends to me. Our granddaughter was fascinated and nervous, almost letting one feed from her hand at the end, but not quite. Our foster granddaughter overcame her fear at about four, and now can put her little hand out. It's an achievement, slowly won. Trusting a huge animal like that is creating a bond. It fosters empathy. And it says that though they are little, they are big and important in the world, noticed by a large creature with big eyes and teeth. These horses teach difference is not as important as the likeness you can discover.

Old Age Day by Day April 19, 2011

Yesterday I got about seven suspicious skin thingies burned off. This morning the technician took extra pictures of my right breast. There is no end to my paranoia. Even while I know I am not in control of this body. I can be kind to it, but random stuff happens, and the aging in and of itself brings dangers. It's out of my hands, but somehow I don't really believe that all the way. At least I don't kill a chicken or have my neck laden with good luck charms. Every checkup now feels like I'm squeezing past a disaster by a hair's breath. So many of my friends have fallen or had surgeries or live with fear of the word reoccurence. Good people, people who live generous, loving lives.

Yesterday I was reading O magazine, and in it was a big article on superfoods. These evidently require trekking to South America or some such thing, and in it I see our culture's desperation. We're all Ponce de Leon's, looking for the fountain of youth. Probably it would be enough to cut out the sugar and fries, but somehow that's not exotic enough. My doctor gave me this little paperback called "Sugarbusters" and it is easy to follow and sensible. I don't eat sugar and haven't in years. So to me fruit is super sweet, dark chocolate exotic, and bread and potatoes a big treat. Yeah, I still miss eclairs and once in a while I have a fantasy involving donuts, but mostly I still love food and can have a cappuchino for desert and feel treated royally.

I'm trying to make my peace with my age and the inevitable result, but like everyone else, I fight to live this life I love. It's a balancing act, and I haven't quite got it down yet.

Old Age Day by Day April 18, 2011

I'm behind. My processing is all out of whack. I didn't get to sit with my experience with my granddaughter after her visit, because we rushed off to Hawaii, and when I returned, sleep deprived from the flight, I had a family errand to do, and all sorts of grocery shopping etc. The weekend gave me no time to settle down, and this week I have three doctor's appointments which cause anxiety: dermatologist, mammogram and eye doctor. I'm attempting to see friends in between, and keep getting the dates and times mixed up. I need a slow down strike. How did I end up with all these appointments the same week? Two are six month call backs and the third an annual, but I never have my filofax with me when I make them, and I have no genius phone, so it happens. This week I will take the filofax, to avoid this kind of thing again in six months.

I often underestimate how tense an appointment makes me. I want to be calmer and more mature and reasonable. But I am not. I'm human. I'm going to try not to forget that fact next time.

Old Age Day by Day April 17, 2011

I had a delightful visit with my daughter-in-law Friday to Saturday. I was there to help - their furnace was on the fritz, but it got repaired early in the day, and we were able to go out to lunch and chat. Then she taught in the afternoon and I had a two hour nap on her sofa, and then read. We went out for Puerto Rican food for dinner (plantains, beans, salsa, Pacifico!) and then a movie she picked, which was amazing to watch, but so violent we did a lot of hiding behind our hands. It was "Hanna", and pretty much non-stop tension, killing and heart pounding suspense. Luckily, we both slept well despite being shell shocked when we got out of the theater. We'll laugh about it later, I'm sure. Then she made me a big breakfast the next morning and she was off to grad school and I drove home. One of the delights of grown children is how your family expands. I not only adore my daughter-in-law, but am fond of her mother, sisters and other relatives. It feels great. The same thing goes for my son-in-law. My kids married into really nice families.

Old Age Day by Day April 16, 2011

Today would be my mother's birthday. She's been dead for 25 years. She died younger than I am now, at 61. She's missed so much that I had hoped she'd see: weddings, graduations, her grown up grandchildren. I feel there are many conversations I did not have with her, because I wasn't mature enough. And I wish I had more history of her. Yes, she lives on in my heart, but it's not the same. I have an irrational envy of friends whose mothers are still alive, even though they are dealing with debility and illness and seeing their parents grow old and dependent. My two older kids' stepmother has two healthy, sharp and delightful parents. Maybe it only looks good from the outside, but being an orphan, even at my advanced age, is difficult at times.

I appreciate every day I have now, and am grateful to have survived to the blessed state of grandparenthood. I probably won't live to see all my grandchildren, but I've written a grandparents' book, and intend to leave letters to them. At least my parents lived to see all four of their grandchildren, and delight in them. The youngest doesn't remember them at all, but I see facets of them in her, and she has my mother's legs, which is a great gift, let me tell you. So I take this moment to remember and wish I'd had reason to buy a card and gift, and surprise her with a cake. Happy birthday, Mom.

Old Age Day by Day April 14, 2011

Last night the jet lag and temperature change and ordinary life got to me. I couldn't sleep and ached in many different locations. This morning I am bundled up in jeans, long sleeved shirt, sweater and vest. It's a sad state of affairs, but there it is. It is cold here. As I was walking the dogs, I was thinking of my little granddaaughter's visit, and the day we went to my neighbor's so she could play with my friend's granddaughter who is five. My granddaughter wanted to dress up and picked her own outfit, with tights and a "skirt", which was actually a tee shirt she put on upside down and inside out. Somehow she had decided a skirt was more sophisticated. I let her go that way, and my friend and her granddaughter were tactful. She was so proud of herself for playing with a big girl, and undoubtedly thought she looked like a princess. It tugs my heart to remember.

So clothes maybe do not make the man, but they make the woman. Evidently, you are never too young to consider your ensemble, and develop your own style. Or in my case, have an ongoing struggle to find a style. Mine is cowgirl cum hippie cum ethnic something. A lot of fabric from India and Not Your Daughter's Jeans mixed with organic cotton and REI. It's comfortable, but there are reasons I prefer not to be photographed that have nothing to do with my age. I respect my delusions, and so does my granddaughter.

Old Age Day by Day April 13, 2011

Well, I'd say it's great to be back, but with a thirty degree drop in temperature, and rain this morning, I'm not so sure. I miss the 80 degree weather, ocean breezes, and swimming. What a cold year it's been here. I feel we really relaxed and rested in Hawaii, and kept our activities slow and easy. I enjoyed watching the birds, especially a Black Crowned Night Heron and the Black Necked Stilts, and a little bird called Japanese White Eye. I bought a bird book, and searched for the birds I saw. You have to be slow and quiet to see birds, so that gives you an idea of the level of activity most of our time. I adored swimming in unheated water and lying out afterward without needing any coverup - it was so warm you could walk around day or night without a sweater. We saw a seal bathing himself on the reef every morning at low tide, and a pod of whales breaching right out from our balcony. We ate so much fish I've grown fins. We listened to ukeleles and smelled plumeria and watched sunsets from the shore.

But, I'm glad to be back with friends and dogs and a routine. We were so lazy there we practically slept 12 hours every night, and dozed on chaise lounges on the lawn in front of the beach. My muscles were beginning to atrophy. Now I'm back dog walking and grocery hauling and video exercising. It's for the best. I think.