Old Age Day by Day September 27, 2011

Well, I went to the dermatologist bright and early to learn the treatment on my nose over the summer somehow did not work.  So she took a biopsy and I probably have to see a specialist.  It's my third skin cancer.  Hopefully, it will respond to whatever the next treatment is.  My skin is such a wreck.  I do not like this part of old age.  At all.  All the crumbling and frequent scares and possibilities.  I have the skin of a redheaded Scotswoman.  Thanks, Dad. 

I'm especially nervous because a neighbor died only a couple of months ago from skin cancer, and he was told it was fine, and yet it came back with a vengance.  This surprise - the pulling the rug out from under us - is tough to get used to.  Expect the unexpected.  Yet you can't.  All I can do is stabilize my center, which for me is what a great life I have, and how lucky I've been so far, and that I'm connected to the rest of humanity.    As we get older, we're in stormy seas, and the boat had better be flat bottomed and buoyant, to ride through the waves.  We're all sailing to the same place, but we can enjoy the ride. 

Old Age Day by Day September 26, 2011

The newspaper has announced that last week's warm weather was the one week of summer we're getting.  Now fall has arrived, and yet, and yet, I could have sworn we had fall from June to September.  Oh, well, the least of my worries, I guess.  My husband and I had two warm days at the cabin, and lugged the canoe up with a minimum of hernial action and washed every sheet and towel in the place, plus the floors.  We didn't put the shutters on and drain the pipes yet, because my husband swears he's going up again in the next two weeks.  I've heard that one before.  When we can't sit out on the deck anymore, it's more difficult to get up there.  That's when I begin to dream of beaches and umbrella drinks and warm nights.

We have two days at home, then we're driving up to see friends for a couple of days, then back to see our second opera, which got a horrendous review in both papers.  They called Renee Fleming "lazy" if that gives you an idea.  Oh, dear.  Well, she's lovely to look at, no matter what.  I guess this is not Donizetti's best music.  I'm too uncultured to be too fazed, I'm sure.

Today I'm getting tennis shoes and mailing shoes to my daughter who left them at the cabin and shopping for a baby gift.  And adjusting my brain to cool weather and possible rain.

Old Age Day by Day September 23, 2011

I almost had a heart attack this morning at breakfast when my husband told me I had a rash on my chest and face.  I looked in the mirror and sure enough.  Bright red.  I said we'd better not go up to the cabin as we planned and I needed to see my doctor.  I'd had a flu shot and pneumonia shot, and wondered if that could be the cause.  I was so disappointed and frightened.  Then he touched it, and it rubbed off!  Somehow, I'd gotten V8 juice splattered on myself.  I don't remember spilling anything, or some dramatic movement of the bottle or glasses, but I'd managed to splash myself somehow.  I rubbed it off with a dish towel, and when I later went upstairs I discovered my skin in those places looked yellow, like I had jauntice.  I got a little jolt of fear, then scrubbed with soap and water and the yellow came off on the washcloth.  I guess there is a lot of beta caratine in V8.

I'm sure nothing the rest of the day will be quite as exciting.  At least I hope not.  So we are going to the cabin to winterize it and do mountains of laundry left undone from the family reunion.  But it will be beautiful, and we can sit on the deck and watch birds and stare at the lake.  Now if only the canoe is still on it's anchor on the lake and we can get the sucker up our hill.

Old Age Day by Day September 22, 2011

This is our older son's and his wife's anniversary.  Ten years.  We had our older two kids get married within three months of each other, one in New York, the other here.  What an amazing time it was!  A lot of joy, reunion, exhaustion and then, ten days before the second wedding, 9/11.  We had two kids living in New York, and the older two's half brother was flying in to New York from Dublin and his plan was turned around.  All the family got here in time, being brave and determined, but we were all also in shock.  The world had changed in one quick snap.

But often it happens that way.  One day you are worrying if they have the shoe you want in your size and the next you're in a hospital.  I tell people I don't like surprises, but I should be expecting them.  Not anticipating or dreading, but prepared for the fact of change.  The one constant is change.

Today looks ordinary.  I want to buy slippers, go to the grocery store, and check the sale at the luggage place.  But I'm also on the lookout for the extraordinary, tiny moment or big.  Yesterday I was driving to my voice lesson and decided to take a slightly different route, and the street was blocked off.  In the paper this morning I saw someone had been killed, as well as people injured, and I missed being in the reign of bullets by about ten minutes.  I was late to the lesson, and rattled as a result.  I'd moved into the path of death, and I slid away safely.  But lives were lost or ruined right there, right then.  It's a complicated world.  There is evil.  Darkness stalks us.  I'm looking for the overheard laughter, the child waddling down the street holding her mother's finger, the roses climbing the gate.  But what I'll find is anyone's guess.

Old Age Day by Day September 21, 2011

I just found out a friend's daughter had a baby daughter.  Such a joyful event.  September is such an emotionally full month for me.  My husband's and my birthdays, our older son's wedding anniversary, the month in which my parents were married, the birthday of my husband's grandmother who raised him, and our nephew's birthday.  But it is also the month of 9/11, of two dear friend's deaths, of my father's and my husband's mother's death.  It's almost too full, unbearable.  But we aren't given a choice, and we live with what we carry with us, at least most of us do.  As they say, no one ever promised us a rose garden.  There are rose gardens, for sure, and cemeteries, and rough roads and smooth paths.  The longer I live, the more I live with loss, ironically.  Mixed feelings are de rigeur at this stage.

Today I have two delightful activities:  spending time walking with a friend and a voice lesson.  And it's another beautiful day, one of those late summer gifts that we a prone to experiencing in this month.  I intend to enjoy it.

Old Age Day by Day September 20, 2011

I'm settling in with my Spanish program, and it feels good to not let last years classes goes to waste.  I like visuals, so the computer is helpful, and I also think the sound is triggering memories of Spain and Mexico, which enrich the experience.  I love the sound of Spanish.  Yes, I can't wrap my tongue around some of it, and have to give up and move on to the next exercise, but I'm no perfectionist, so I'm okay with that.  I notice my chorus will be singing a Spanish song this time again, and it's from "The Mission", a film I love, so the connection between to of my activities holds strong.

In the opera I saw Sunday, the star has his soldiers singing and then, at the end, has the people in the South Tower singing as they descend the stairs.  I find this interesting - singing to keep one's courage up and to feel banded together.  It's a lovely touch.  How much singing benefits us, and yet, so many of us give it up after childhood.  Our attachment to our churches, our national anthem, our meditation chants, so many aspects of our lives are deepened by singing. 

Old Age Day by Day September 19, 2011

Now we're talkin summer!  This is good.  I've walked the dogs, the sun is bright, the day warm.  Yesterday we went to the city to see an opera, and it was summery!  I really was touched by "Heart of a Soldier".  The story is amazing - I'd read the book years before - and it is told beautifully, with powerful sets and lovely voices and some real acting.  I believe the entire audience was in tears by the end.  It's about bravery and what might be behind it, and how it is a kind of grace that saves our world.  A few days before, a young man had been presented with the Medal of Honor, and this opera provided insight into that kind of soldier.  The kind that leaves no one behind, and never gives up. 

Then I went home and sat outside and read my Michael Moore book, "Here Comes Trouble".  It's very funny, but provides insight into another kind of hero.  I feel positively inspired!

Now if I could just pronounce "mujer" on my Rosetta Stone lessons.  I tried it so many times yesterday, but I'm doing something wrong.  I can get by without trilling my "r"s, but somehow my "j" is an offense to the computer program.  Oh, dear.  How will I actually speak with another person, especially a mujer.  I guess I can only speak to hombres or ninos or ninas.  I've got those down pat.

Old Age Day by Day September 18, 2011

We're going to the opera in an hour, our first one of the season.  It's a premiere, and didn't get good reviews, but I've learned that means little to me.  What I find about opera is it is so rich in resonance that I think about certain aspects for weeks or months or years afterwards.  I expect there will be something haunting for me with this one as well.  Everything is writ large with opera.  The passion, the tragedy, the absurdity are delightful reminders of our humanity, and our connectedness.  The music addresses the spiritual, the costumes and sets the art of living, the voices remind of us grace given to us, in small moments or big.  So, it's a beautiful day out, but I will be inside a large part of it, addressing these parts of myself that want tending and noticing.  Then back to dog walking.

Old Age Day by Day September 16, 2011

I wonder about this body of mine sometimes.  I didn't really walk yesterday, and my body is stiff and complaining.  It wants exercise.  I sort of heard it grumbling, but wouldn't listen.  If I want to feel really old, all I have to do is stop moving.  Today will be different.  I am resolved.  I have to engagements with friends, and I'm walking as much as I can in and around being out, and maybe after I've finished with the second, I'll mosey around by myself. 

I was thinking yesterday that I don't have one good chair to read in, and that doesn't help either.  I'm so short that my feet don't touch the ground, so I get myself in contortions to feel braced and comfortable.  I need good light and a chair that fits me.  Yesterday I was in a huge chaise lounge chair in the sunroom, and nothing was supporting my lower back.  I just wanted to be in a light, cheerful room, but I would have been better off hanging myself upside down from the ceiling, like a spider.  They probably have plenty of light, and they are supported by a web of their own making.  I'm going to solve this sedentary dilemna, and also the sedentary problem of not being active enough.  At least I can dance to my Gypsy Kings and tromp around the neighborhood.  Girl, get your dancing feet on!

Old Age Day by Day September 15, 2011

Another dreary morning. I guess Indian Summer is not coming to a theater near me. I'm thinking of museums, or practicing my Spanish or continuing to read my very interesting book about Wendy Wasserstein. Of course, there are chores, and looking at the sale stuff at my local luggage store. I haven't given up on trips entirely, just expensive trips. I'm looking forward to seeing a couple of friends tomorrow, and I have the weekend more or less booked. So life is good, and I appreciate it. But I'm not FEELING it successfully at this moment. Maybe the desert with intense sun is what I need. A trip to Death Valley.

In the meantime, I do have a primary goal of avoiding reading or hearing anything about the GOP hopefuls. No news is good news. And the news is so fictionalized and melodramatic that it is only good for raising the blood pressure. And that's not something I need. I, like a lot of Americans, am sick of sound bites and posturing. I attempt to engage with others seriously and I expect the same behavior from politicians. Since I don't get respect, I don't give any, at least these days. I don't watch any TV. If I want to see a President, I'll see the movie "Dave". It's so comforting. And yet. It takes an impostor with no agenda to get things done in Washington in that film. So it's not that comforting.

Maybe I'll just wallow in the miserable weather after all.

Old Age Day by Day September 14, 2011

I'm about to have a haircut, which means turbulence in my atmosphere of the highest order. I'm actually going to back to a stylist I haven't seen in a few years, because I'm not happy with the attempts at bubble cuts of the last two persons. I did the bubble cut in the early sixties, and I am so not having that again. It makes me look like a bobblehead, and I'd much rather look like a witch with stringy long hair that that. Wish me luck.

After that we are off to see our financial wizard, who will have nothing but dire news, and is further lowering our risk. Of course, I risk is still 100% in some scenarios, but hey, we all like to have our fairy tales. Ours seems to be being eaten by the big bad wolf. I don't see any woodsman on the horizon to save us. After that meeting, I expect we will both be so depressed we'll be glum for the rest of the day. It's a plan.

I also learned my Buddhist teacher has had a fall and injured her knee. I hope it is not the one she had surgery on last fall. This is why I say my whole goal in life is not to fall. And I mean it. Mobility is crucial. I'm going to pray it is not serious and she recovers quickly. Sometimes it seems that old age is about frustration.

Old Age Day by Day September 13,2011

I am having trouble adjusting to being back home. I feel unstructured. Today I have errands, and then my foster granddaughter after her schoolday, but there is this sense of looseness. Last night my husband and I tried to plan a trip for our birthdays, but everything we thought of, when we checked into it seemed too expensive. We've always wanted to see an opera at the Met in New York, but when we added the costs, it was so horrendous we gave up. We've always dreamed of staying at the Ahwahnee Hotel in Yosemite, but that was terrible too and we could only get a reservation for one night. Then we looked into Santa Fe, as we've wanted to stay a one of the great hotels on the Plaza, but, same thing. We gave up. So if we aren't going anywhere this fall, what are we doing? We don't know.

I assume this is part of the adjustment of retirement, and transitions are hard. I know we'll figure this out. But right now I don't know what I want to do, and all I see is others taking trips. I could volunteer more, and take classes. And maybe I will. When I do, I'll let you know.

Old Age Day by Day September 12, 2011

We saw the movie "Contagion" yesterday for five bucks. It was not as good as "Outbreak", but still interesting. How a movie about something so dire can be entertaining I'm not sure, maybe because it is in the back of our minds anyway, and we get our anxieties front and center, but without any responsibility - more disconnected and thus seemingly safer.

Today I weighed myself after skipping over a month, and I had lost a bit. But not what the doctor said to lose. I guess I'll have to do a sort of diet to get down five pounds. Just a salad for dinner or something like that. As much as I've eaten out recently, it's a miracle I've not gained. I attribute it to running around after a three year old and lots of walking. But now, with the little dynamo back home, I must take it upon myself to keep active. Back to the exercise video, and perhaps more cleaning around the house. I vacuumed yesterday morning at nine am and it felt GOOD.

The sun just came out, so my day just got better. I'll walk the dogs and take it from there.

Old Age Day by Day September 11, 2011

I'm back from being a grandma full time, and I miss my granddaughter, but am happily doing laundry and getting lists going for appointments put off, grocery shopping and reconnecting with friends. We rode many trains, a boat and now it's time for grandma to rest up. What joy a grandchild is, and how invigorated I feel around her! My granddaughter, daughter and I were in the hotel in side by side queen beds, so I overheard my granddaughter telling her mother, very seriously, that she did not want to die. She is 3 years and four months. Her mom told her she wasn't going to die. Then she said was she going to die ever. Her mom told her not for a long, long time. She said she didn't want to get old, was she going to get old? Same answer. She didn't want to get old because she didn't want red hands. Her mother said she was so young and she had many many years to live.

Next day I said to my daughter. I'm with her. This growing old business is disgusting! We laughed. But it was the essential question, and at three, she gets it. I pray she loves her life and it is very, very long. I don't believe I was as precocious as my granddaughter, but I remember worrying about the universe and life on other planets, and god and death and the atomic bomb. And I was pretty young. It's like Gerald Manley Hopkins' "Spring and Fall to a Young Child". "Margaret, are you grieving, over golden groves' unleaving".

It's hard to imagine not being in the world, and, without understanding our interconnectedness, terrifying. Our world is ourselves, but we sense, even when very young, that it is not the true world. My granddaughter seemed comforted by her mother's reassurances, but us older people do represent something disturbing - we're on our way to somewhere else, but where?