Old Age Day by Day June 30, 2012

Then end of June already.  So the days are getting shorter again.  Humm.  I have an outing today with my foster granddaughter, and we may swim or we may go to a museum.  I think the later is wiser, but we'll see what she thinks.  I was remembering last night how much I enjoyed a recent visit to a museum with my friend, and the humongous Richard Serra sculpture outside that we walked through like a maze.  It evoked almost every emotion:  awe, fear, claustrophobia, protection, wanting to touch, endlessness.  It is a very powerful piece of art.  And we also saw an Andy Goldsworthy stone wall outside away from the museum, sunken in the earth like a snake in a dry creekbed.  It seemed like an archeological dig, and as if the spine of a large ancient being was revealed.  Those two pieces have really stuck in my mind since.

The one owes nothing to landscape - it makes it's own.  The other owes everything.  The highly artificial, made of steel, and the highly organic.  Each with a special beauty all it's own.  Conceptually, I prefer Goldsworthy, but the daring and imposition of the Serra is admirable, too.  Luckily, both exist in the world.

Old Age Day by Day June 29, 2012

Today we're going out for dinner to celebrate our younger son's birthday, which is Monday.  As usual, it is a compromise date because everyone is so busy.  But that's okay.  Thank god they are all busy, have many friends, activities and a full life in every sense.  I'm grateful they still want to include us, and I truly feel celebratory every year, that they are alive, well and happy.  It's a blessing I am totally aware of.  The joy of watching their young lives unfold is miraculous.  And I see their strength and resilience, and know they can weather the ups and downs that a long life brings. 

I often stay awake at night worrying about some detail of what might come to be, and in the morning, I see that life throws you for a loop, so that kind of worrying is a waste of time.  You cannot prepare ahead for what life brings, in most cases.  You have to work on your inner core, and then you will hold steady when the storm comes.  I see the strong core of my kids and granddaughters, and know they have what they need to keep passionate about life.  For loving the life we're given and being grateful for that blessing is the core. 

Old Age Day by Day June 28, 2012

I had a terrific three days away with our younger daughter on a road trip down south.  We loved our room, the pool, the restaurant, the beaches, the pelicans, the sea otters, the shopping, and seeing a bunch of tiny museums, like the Hans Christian Anderson museum, two mission museums, two history museums.  I found a wonderful tee shirt and scarf, and two pair of shoes, she found a dress and shoes.  We bought stuff for my husband, granddaughter and our younger son.  We ate exactly what we wanted.  We stopped the car on a whim and saw surprising things.  We changed plans, and were very agreeable with each other.  It was pleasant and relaxing.

Now comes an opera tonight, and celebration of our younger son's birthday, a memorial service for a dear friend, another opera and then a few days before my retreat and cabin week.  This must be July!

My childhood best friend sent me a photo album of her Brownie camera snapshots, and boy did it bring the memories back.  She said I could copy the ones I want, and I'm really grateful to her.  There are pictures of us in full petticoats and cinched waists, my first boyfriend, camp pictures from the music camp we attended.  Looking at myself, is like going down a time tunnel.  It's me, but so remote and untouchable.  What was I really like, I'll never truly know.  But I look happy, and I'm happy now.  That's the connection.

Old Age Day by Day June 23, 2012

I had my Buddhist study group this morning, and we're on our sixth month at least of studying Shantideva's chapter on Patience.  So I'm being patient with being on patience.  As Suzuki Roshi used to say, "It takes as long as it takes".  What sounded boring to me in the beginning, now looks like an amazing skill to learn and practice, and I have also noticed that I am more impatient that I previously thought.  All my experience tells me, "What goes around comes around" and "things have a way of working themselves out", but still, sometimes I feel I'm standing still, that no progress has been made, just endless cycles of reactivity.  But that is not true.  I have an ease in my life that I used to not possess, and waiting is no longer the same thing to me as inactivity.  It is an admission that life is not in my control, that others have different needs and agendas, that over time much heals, and talks are possible down the road that are hopeless at the beginning.  I am now more ready to be surprised and notice the outcome I dreaded or attempted to avoid may in fact be the best outcome for everyone. 

So I'm really actively practicing patience, and waiting for other people to be "ready", when I think I'm already ready.  We're all interdependent, and keeping that in mind, let's just see what happens.  Whatever it is, I'll tackle it when I get there.

Old Age Day by Day June 22, 2012

My foster granddaughter and I had a grand time photographing roses, and she was so enthusiastic, it made the outing a double pleasure.  She teaches me the joy of the ordinary every single minute I'm with her.  And I just now received a called from our granddaughter in another state, and we had a long talk together, which made the rest of my day.

So I guess I'll pick up this film I ordered about a novel of Murakami's, and settle in to relax, before a busy weekend.  By the way, when I was telling my granddaughter I was going to an opera this Sunday, and mentioned it was "The Magic Flute", she said, instantly, "Pappageno".  She is one smart four year old. 

Old Age Day by Day June 21, 2012

My friend and I had a fun day yesterday, seeing Spanish gardens and shops and eating outside in the gardens, seeing an art museum and walking the sculpture gardens, with a massive Richard Serra and a wall by Andy Goldsworthy, and shopping for a blouse for her for a memorial service.  I even ended up getting a tee shirt.  It was hot, but we were intrepid, and when I got home my husband told me the happy news that our younger daughter's boyfriend had been promoted to manager of one of the largest cafes in the group, and it's easy access by subway.  So we four went out to dinner and had champagne and a great dinner.  It was delightful to see them so proud and excited.

Today my foster granddaughter and I are going out taking photos with our cameras in a botanical garden, and that will be fun.  She's post baby sister, but her best friend is moving many states away at the end of this week, so I think we'll have stuff to talk about.  We're good at discussing. 

Tomorrow I will do laundry and start packing for my road trip with my daughter.  More fun!

Old Age Day by Day June 20, 2012

Today is my foster granddaughter's birthday.  She's seven.  I'm taking her out tomorrow for the afternoon.  Gosh, it's gone by fast, and she's a girl girl now, not a little girl.  We have serious conversations, and share interests and critique movies.  She's a great pal. 

I'm off to adventures with a friend today.  We are seeing gardens and an art museum, and generally whooping it up.  It's a perfect day to be outside admiring gardens.  Though any day doing that activity is fine with me.

Old Age Day by Day June 19, 2012

It is a sunnier, warmer day today.  Yesterday, with the fog and chill, I took myself to a matinee and saw "Moonrise Kingdom" by Wes Anderson.  It reminded me a lot of "The Fantastic Mr. Fox" and featured all his usual themes:  depressed teenagers, disfunctional, oblivious parents, an obcession with maps and graphics and a nostalgia for a time when he wasn't alive.  His genius is for set design, soundtracks and goofy, deadpan humor.  The overprivledged kids in his films are getting old, and nobody will be fooled by the fact that one of them is an orphan.  However, how can you go too wrong with Edward Norton, Frances McDormand and Bruce Willis?  I'm tired of Bill Murray in his films, always playing THE DAD, and Tilda Swinton is used so minimally that it's a crime.  The two main kids are good, and you root for them, but Bob Balaban as the chorus/narrator is the best thing in it.  He's like a leprecaun in a red coat.  Ultimately, the movie is shallow, but like child's painting come alive, it has its magic.

Old Age Day by Day June 18, 2012

We had a great time with our Chicago friends, and on last Thursday we drove to the seashore, had a picnic and saw a lighthouse.  We all got along in the car, and were highly compatible the long day.  Their daughter had a plan, and we happily followed it.  The weather was beautiful, except for gale level winds at the lighthouse, but even that was kind of fun.  We were all exhausted after, but it was good tiredness.

On Saturday night we celebrated with friends their 50th wedding anniversary, and I cried throughout the little ceremony they wrote for each other.  Their two sons, daughters-in-law, and four grandchildren were there, and it was so joyous and fun.  We had great food, danced, and were the last out the door.  Even the 100o heat didn't slow us down.  We were out on the deck, watching the sunset, meeting their friends, and laughing at the kids dancing with those light necklaces.  Very sweet.

So, this week is quieter, and I appreciate that, but there is still a happy glow remembering all the fun last week, capped by a baseball game for Father's Day.  Yeah, we lost, but just barely, and the tacos and peanuts were perfect.

Old Age Day by Day June 14, 2012

We're having a great time with our friends, and are off today for picnic and a hike on the ocean.  Hope the winds don't come up.  The dogs are in heaven, because they are getting lots of attention.  All's right with the world.  I'm looking forward to the rest of their visit, a big 50th anniversary party Saturday night and a baseball game Sunday for Father's Day.  I wish my Dad could be there for that.  He infused us with a love of the sport, and took us to countless Giants games, and loved the A's when they moved here as well, because they came from his beloved Kansas City.  He would get a kick out of his grown grandchildren, and I miss his goofy, gaptoothed grin.  He had a big heart, and the passion and drive to live, but he could surpass his final challenge, cancer, but he met it with grace and dignity. 

This whole summer already seems overly full, but I'm going to take deep breaths and slowly enjoy each day without jumping to the next thing.  No "rehearsing" as we call it in Buddhism.  No "future thinking".  Stay in the present, don't worry about the past, and enjoy the gift of life.  I believe my father did that very well, without the dharma talks.  I hope to do likewise.

Old Age Day by Day June 13, 2012

My foster granddaughter and I went to see Madagascar 3 yesterday afternoon.  The things we do for love!  She enjoyed every minute.  But she was too stuffed with popcorn to want dinner, so we dropped her off right after.  I, however, ate dinner just the same.  Oh, dear.  At least it was healthy, but really, half a bag of popcorn is not in my meal plan.  Today our friends will be back and I'm cooking fish and veggies and a big salad.  I must be good, must be, must be.

I finished another book by this mystery writer Linwood Barclay, who is both hilarious and intricately plotted, and he gets me hooked every time.  He sets his mysteries in the suburbs of upper New York state, and these are the most scary places imaginable, where crime reigns and nobody is who they say they are.  He's so good with his doofus dad character, the cynical mom and the nightmare risk taking teenage children, that you keep recognizing the family and being endeared to them at the same time as you want to ring their necks for the dumb things they try.  He's got the parents' worry over teenage stupidity down pat.  For light summer reading, I don't think he can be beat.

At the same time I'm knee deep in mysteries, my husband is reading sci fi like there's no tomorrow, and he's been telling me the plots of the China Mieville books he's into right now.  Sounds like the guy is brilliant, and his language is gorgeous and maybe, just maybe, I'll try one of them one of these days. 

Our friends arrived, after being a little bit lost, and it was as if we'd seen them the day before.  It feels great to catch up and have them out here.  My parents had lots of visits from family and friends, because after their first five years, they lived away from home and moved a few times.  They moved to places people wanted to visit, so that helped as well.  I loved when people came and stayed, and can still remember standing at the front door, teary eyed, as we said goodbye when visitors left.  It was a positive experience for me as a child.  The effort my parents made to keep connected was a great model for me, and I especially appreciate it because my husband did not have that experience.  So he has anxiety around visitors, but still loves having them.

I admire the way our kids have made such a great effort to keep in contact with their friends, and I think my parents made that possible.  It is what you prioritize that shows your values, and friends were always up there at the top in my world.  Mom and Dad, thanks.

Old Age Daky by Day June 11, 2012

All righty, then...I've vacuumed, shopped, arranged flowers and I might even sweep the front steps, since the gardener did not deign to show.  Company - ready when you are!  I haven't overeaten yet, as I haven't had time.  I'd better get right on that!  It's a gorgeous day and hot, which I love, and I intend to sit on the patio and read shortly.  I take retirement very seriously.

In the back of my mind is Syria, and how we won't help right now because of the coming American elections.  Just when you think your view is sufficiently cynical and jaded, something new pops up.  I don't want us to do any unilateral thing, and maybe China and Russia really just won't budge, but the news is so disturbing and relentless, and all I can do is pray for some kind of miracle cease-fire or ending that I can't now imagine.  All the callus calculations, and innocents bombarded, trapped behind lines and with no hope.  My husband and I have been sending money to Doctors Without Borders and the Red Cross.  But can they even get in and help?  It doesn't look like it.  I'm sick at heart, and it creates a bizarre split in my every day life.  My peaceful life is precious, but at what cost?

Old Age Day by Day June 10, 2012

I've had a quiet day with meditation, dharma talk, lunch with a Buddhist buddy, then reading in the back yard.  I feel sleepy right now, and I don't know if it is from sitting in the sun at my friend's place or getting up with the dogs at 4 am or a long day yesterday going to a winery and tasting and getting home late.  Maybe I'm just relaxed.  I'd like to nap but it's a bit too late for that.  I'll have to hang on and get to bed early.  Tomorrow our friends arrive and I will do some grocery shopping, vacuuming and the like.  So I guess I'll string out this lazy feeling and float about in it.

This is a real Sunday, with nothing going on and nothing accomplished.  It's good to have those days once in a while, and get off the ferris wheel.  The week will be busy, but right now it's like there is all the time in the world.  I might even read the parts of the Sunday paper I missed.

Old Age Day by Day June 9, 2012

I planted geraniums and pulled out a few deceased plants and got myself dirty and sweaty - very satisfying.  Part of my impulse to beautify is, of course, that guests are coming for five days next week.  Nothing gets me inspired like panic.  I only clean when it is a matter of imminent humiliation.  Luckily, I have this gift:  I pick up stuff.  I carry the stuff at the bottom of the stairs upstairs, I straighten pillows and rugs, I put away books and magazines.  So I get credited with having a clean house when really it is just there is nothing out of place.  If you actually were to pull out a book, and I wouldn't recommend it, you would notice dust coating the top.  If you focused on the rug, you'd see it badly needed vacuuming.  It's amazing to me what straightening up does for a place. 

I think the origin of this was my immaculate mother, who both straightened and cleaned.  But I got compulsive when the kids were little and I just wanted one room not to be filled with legos and playmobil figures to step on.  I made sure there was one place to sit where I didn't feel I was in the middle of a toy store that had been bombed.  But now it's gone beyond that.  I actually open the door to my guest bedroom and stare at the neatness.  The sheets are clean, the bed is made, not a thing is out of place.  Then I go into the other rooms and pick up dog toys, grab handfuls of dog hair from the corners, and take a load of magazines to the recycling bin.  I know that getting out the vacuum would be wise, and the dust cloth and spider web extendable brush, but that really doesn't appeal to me.  And really, in soft focus,  the house looks pretty damned good.

Old Age Day by Day June 8, 2012

We had a lovely dinner with our oldest and youngest last night.  I love best these more spontaneous, casual get-togethers, and they are rare, because everyone is so busy.  It was a balmy evening, and the next few days are supposed to be warm, which I love.  I'm wearing a skirt and sandals, to celebrate.  Today I have lunch with a friend, and maybe I'll see the new Wes Anderson film, "Moonrise Kingdom".  His movies are always interesting.  And I want to buy geraniums.  It's just what the patio needs more of.  I've been frying azaleas out there, and yesterday I kindly put them in shady pots in the front.  So a few hearty geraniums should survive well during this season.

I'm disappointed I'll Have Another is scratched from the Belmont Stakes.  I had a good feeling about him.  No Triple Crown winner this year.  And Cespedes is out with an injury as well.  Oh, dear, these athletes, hooved or human, are struggling.  Me, I try not to stumble on my own stairs, watch where I'm going, and not trip over any dogs in dark corners.  That's as far as my athleticism extends.  I'm a fan, but never was any good at being the activist.  I like to walk best, and used to bike a bit, but sports were difficult for me.  I let a softball hit my face while in the outfield, tennis was tricky because I'm left handed, swimming not so good because I only like to dog paddle, volleyball and basketball a joke because I'm 5' tall, and gymnastics - well, heights are not my thing.  I could be decent in modern dance, and in college I played field hockey and golf.  Briefly.  After that, it was all running after toddlers.  So I admire those with physical gifts, and also the courage it takes to be in a sport.

Oh, well, I'll have to see the movie "Secretariat" again, I guess.  And hope the horse and the powerhouse heal quickly.

Old Age Day by Day June 7, 2012

It sounds like Ray Bradbury had a life filled with joy and challenges and positive response to his writing.  He seems to have loved many people and had many interests, and his childlike playfulness never left him, indeed he treasured his boyhood self and used material from it for his stories.  I remember first reading the "Martian Chronicles" and "Farenheit 451" and having goosebumps.  He was speaking to me politically, creatively and with such empathy and heart.  I'm glad he lived a long interesting life, and had so much fun.  He's one of those who transcended the genre, as they say.  I never liked sci fi, or fantasy, yet I read everything he ever wrote.  I adore the film of 451 and have images of it burned into my consciousness.  I remember watching the Chronicles on TV, and feeling it was a major event.  And now knowing how heartfelt and compassionate he was makes me feel I sensed that as well in his writing.

Mr. Emperio (who at a fair tapped him with a sword and predicted his immortality) maybe didn't succeed in making him live forever, but Bradbury's writing certainly will.

Old Age Day by Day June 6, 2012

Yesterday I held my granddaughter's baby sister.  She's perfect.  Chubby and beautiful, and calm and healthy.  They looked like one bonded, happy family together.  Their joy is contagious.  I could feel the weight and feel of her for hours after.  Then we watched "Coriolanus" when I returned, which was quite a switch.  Ralph Fiennes did a terrific job directing and acting in the Shakespeare play.  Vanessa Redgrave was fabulous as his Lady Macbeth type of mother.  Seeing it caused my husband and I to have a long discussion about the psychology of politics and him to read me a critique of the play from his undergraduate book of Shakespeare.  We had fun analyzing the play and film.

Today I'm going to work on two scrapbooks to fill with my granddaughters' art work.  I want to keep it protected, and be able to show them when they visit.  And perhaps I'll walk the dogs.  What a luxurious life I lead!

Old Age Day by Day June 5, 2012

I had a nice few days up in the mountains.  The weather was perfect until the day we left, when a rainstorm hit as we were leaving.  We did nothing but walk the dogs, read on the deck, play Scrabble and eat.  My mind dropped down about ten levels.  I was in luck, too, because my mysteries were riveting, and I lost myself in the best sense.  I really do relax at the cabin, despite the dogs acting up at night and getting spooked and wanted to be fed at dawn.  Perhaps I don't sleep nearly as well up there, but my whole body just flops.  I'm a great believer in flopping. 

So now I get to see my foster granddaughter's baby sister today, and plan a trip up north to see our son, and work on getting both granddaughters' scrapbooks for art and the ordinary stuff of daily life.  I like that as well as getting away, and finding the balance is the trick, isn't it?