Old Age Day by Day November 30, 2012

Last day of the month!  Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire.  And yes, I did see Jerry Lee Lewis perform in Richmond, Virginia, when I was a teenager.  I am that goofy.  I was a member of the Elvis Presley fan club, and practiced Elvis cheers with other completely idiotic young girls.  I swooned to the Everly Brothers.  I saw the Big Bopper and the Temptations and Little Stevie Wonder.  I still occasionally listen to the Shirelles.  I wish I danced more.  I always do when my granddaughter visits, but that is only every few months. 

We had a deluge last night and it's still going on.  Heavy rain, dark sky, and treachery everywhere you step.  I have my rainboots on just to come out here to my writing hut, and I'm watching carefully where I place my feet.  But part of me still has the urge to splash in puddles and act like a labrador.  Having two such dogs probably exaccerbates the tendency.  Only one of them wants to get wet, the other acts like a kitten. 

I am seeing two friends today, so I'm all set for sociability, and I will get out, Mother Nature or no. 

Old Age Day by Day November 29, 2012

Another leak has been discovered in our refrigerator, and of course, fixing and repairing will take a week and many thousands of dollars.  Boy or boy, what a great time of year for this.  But the worst of it may be waiting for insurance and others to call back.  Of course, it doesn't help that my husband does not have a cell phone.  But really, he has not been out, they have been out to lunch.  I have to take the long view, that the problem will get fixed eventually.  It is discouraging about how the painting will go as well.  Badly, probably, with cost overruns. 

In the meantime, I am meeting a friend for lunch, and all the important stuff is fine.  But I'm getting in the mood to Christmas shop and decorate, I have a passion to be out there with the herd, I guess.  There is a toy my granddaughter and I saw yesterday that I want to pick up before it goes away.  And the most fun will be shopping for both the granddaughters.  But I also like to find stocking surprises and maybe a new snow globe and pots of narcissus and that kind of thing.  We're putting off getting the tree for a while, under the delusion the kitchen might get fixed soon.  But for me, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Old Age Day by Day November 28, 2012

The sky is dark, the forecast rainy.  Now is the time for all good people to read and bake and dust.  The outside world will be blustery the next few days.  I'm trying to think what to do with my granddaughter this afternoon.  I had planned to peruse toy stores and maybe a Christmas ornament place, but we may be playing games and drawing instead.  Oh, well.  The newspaper was dark and dismal:  sofas contain flame retardants that alter DNA, crime of all kinds is way up while the police officer numbers go down.  Two teenage girls shot and killed for no reason.  Very depressing. 

I saw in the Health section the obvious:  seniors are helped greatly cognitively and physically by walking around their neighborhoods.  Yet walking can be dangerous to your health in the wrong neighborhood.  Senior centers are organizing walks, and that sounds so sensible and without cost and helpful that I have to applaud the common sense of some people.  More than talks or crafts, older people want to get out and SEE things, smell the air, look at people passing by, chat a bit with others in the group.  So for some problems, there can be solutions, simple ones, and not all require more budget, just volunteers and the will to help.  Walking - what a concept!

Old Age Day by Day November 27, 2012

My best friend had a nasty fall and seven stitches.  And my childhood best friend's mother had a scary episode, surgery and is in the hospital.  Sudden changes at the last minute, as they say.  You cannot really be prepared for surprise, the slip on the carpet, the adjustment of inner organs, the ordinary changes that are nevertheless dangerous and have repercussions.  We try and try to be prepared, but we never can fully be.  Here we store earthquake supplies, fill water reservoirs, yet a fire from a gas line can make all that a moot point.  We have check ups, and take are meds, but surprise down the line, waiting in a corner in the hallway. 

All I know to do is take deep breaths and acknowledge we have the capacity to handle this new reality, and when we don't that's what friends and family are for.  Reach out.  We're all humans with the same frailties and future.  We need each other.  I'll be offering my support, but praying for their inner strength, which I'm certain is there and available.  It's just sometimes we need a reminder that we are our own protectors.  And we cannot protect ourselves from being human.

Old Age Day by Day November 26, 2012

It's foggy again this morning - very atmospheric and Hitchcockian.  I have totally mundane pursuits in mind, however, including going to the post office and ordering some stuff online.  Since the dogs are outside my door I'd better include walking them.  Our son returned from the cabin last night and evidently had a great time with his friends.  We'd saved him some turkey and trimmings per his request, so he returned home to eat them for dinner.  Our younger daughter leaves this coming week for a wedding back east, and generally things are gearing up for the holidays.  I had a nice walk yesterday with an old friend, and the dharma talk yesterday was still floating around in my head, so it was a peaceful day.

I think it's difficult for us to adjust to being older and not doing so much.  We judge ourselves and don't feel productive, which is the yardstick we've been measuring ourselves by.  My friend is having trouble adjusting, and it's a dilemna for most of us.  How do you slow down?  How do you feel you have a place in the world if you're not out doing something?  And what we have to offer in terms of wisdom and experience is not valued in our culture.  I believe our lives become about the tiny interactions we have with others out in the world, and our gentle support to those of our own generation about what is true and right:  a good heart, compassion, generousity, and good humor, which we have in more abundance than younger people.  We have PERSPECTIVE.  We can listen and see that what is truly important is addressed, in a gentle way, so others don't flounder in shoulds and coulds.  You have to be still sometimes to drink from the well of your own being.  Without the resource of your own beautiful self, well, then you feel lost.  It's our time of life to stop and smell the roses, daffodils, irises and other hidden joys right around us.  And perhaps nudge our friends and family to do likewise.

Old Age Day by Day November 25, 2012

My Buddhist teacher spoke today about silence.  How turning inward can cause one to "know oneself".  I feel that, even before I was a practicing Buddhist, I spent time in silence, especially as my kids got older and we had a cabin where I could go to get away from the hustle and bustle of my life.  I sat on the deck, watched the kids swim, wrote in journals, and if I was up by myself, spoke to no one for days on end, and that solitude gave me a knowledge about myself and my experience in the world that I treasure.  Now I deliberately nurture silence, and I've never been afraid of it, because of the "in the woods" experience, not unlike the Buddha in the forest.

Old Age Day by Day November 24, 2012

We had a peaceful day yesterday walking the dogs along a wooded trail, having lunch out and reading.  Today I may take a walk with a friend and I have already rearranged dish towels, napkins and aprons in a new place, hopefully more organized, but a bit difficult to get to due to a dog crate.  Ah, these are the sacrifices we make for our dogs.  My goal is to have less that one thousand items on my kitchen counters, but I'm not sure there is any real hope for the space.  I've shuffled things around, but it may be a shell game.  Some of this stuff is going to have to go.  I think I'm restless about it because the refrigerator area looks like a bomb hit it, so I'm trying to pretend that my kitchen is an island of calm, when it really is a constant aggrevation recently. 

Well, next week brings a contractor, a roofer to look at the gutters for replacing and the possibility that some repairs might get done.  Tantilizing, if illusory.  We shall see.

Old Age Day by Day November 23, 2012

We had a lovely Thanksgiving with two of the kids and their signifigant others.  Everything was so delicious, and the table looked beautiful and we had a relaxed time.  In the afternoon we went to a matinee of "Lincoln", which exceeded my expectations.  The movie achieved greatness, and Daniel Day-Lewis was extraordinary.  I've never seen another performance on film as amazing.  He was fully complex, alive and real.  I'm in awe of his skill.  Tony Kushner's screenplay is fabulous.  Sally Field was terrific as well, and the rest of the cast excellent.  The cinematography was gorgeous, with some scenes like sepia tin types.  The film is a cry for our system and our democracy, and how complicated and strange and wonderful it can be. 

Today I will avoid the crowds of shoppers, as always, and take it easy.  It's beautiful fall weather, and after I put away the mountain of dishes we washed last night, I can enjoy the day. 

Old Age Day by Day November 21, 2012

We washed the dogs this morning, which means one bathroom, the stairs and most of the downstairs got a washing, too.  My knees are still quite damp.  My husband has taken them to the reservoir to walk them and have them dry off.  It rained all last night but is beautiful today.  I'm going to tackle jello salad and soup this morning, and see where I am for tomorrow's dinner.  I know I have the wrong kind of bread for stuffing, so I'd better change that.  There is almost always something I'm missing when I get going.  Luckily for me, I live seven houses from a grocery.

I'm trying to keep in mind my gratitude:  for my life, my health, my family, my friends.  We are all in our separate homes baking away, but my joy about their being alive is foremost.  And then there are the little things:  my crown didn't fall out last night, there was no river in the kitchen this morning, our dogs have not done any landscaping recently, my skin is turning a paler pink from it's original fushia after the reaction to the biopsy.  It's all good, as Jim Carrey would say.  And if Morgan Freeman isn't President of these United States, Obama is.

Old Age Day by Day November 20, 2012

I've just returned from the dentist, and what was supposed to be a quick popping the permanent crown in my mouth turned out to be and hour and fifteen minutes of shots, bleeding and total discomfort.  My mouth is all numb, I'm afraid I'll bite my tongue again, and I feel very, very sorry for myself.  I'm just going to hang with self pity for a few hours, or maybe the rest of the day. 

I'm reading a David Thompson book, "The Big Screen", and as usual he is thought provoking and fun to read.  I love reading about the movies, and gaining a sense of the history of film, and he's such a lively writer, that even when I don't agree with him, I enjoy his point of view.  The book is way better than a movie magazine, even a pretentious one, and it counts as low brow and high brow.  I believe I would have loved taking film courses and writing about film.  Another road not taken, among many.

This afternoon I may tackle another grocery round, if I can cheer myself up a bit.  Time's awasting, the the big day almost upon us.

Old Age Day by Day November 19, 2012

Ah, another day, another disaster.  We have stopped the flood behind the refrigerator, but have structural and mold damage, and now need the insurance people and a contractor.  And what a great week for it!  People are so available on a holiday week.  Watching the Ken Burns documentary on the dust bowl, my husband said, at least we aren't in a dust storm.  There are definitely bigger castatrophes than ours.  However, will we ever get the house painted?!  After the kitchen and now after the gutters?  And will I still be alive?  I guess if I'm not, I won't really care, so that's good.

I am planning my attack on Thanksgiving dinner, and will forage into the grocery world today.  Yesterday afternoon my daughter and I shopped for some stuff for a wedding she's going to, and that was a fun escape from house breakdown.  She got a jacket and hosiery, and I found a sweater and tee shirt.  I bought more party invitations and she found some Christmas gifts.  She even returned some school stuff before the 30 day refund expired, which I consider a triumph of achievement.  But mostly we had girl time, and I'm never too old for that!

Old Age Day by Day November 17m 2012

It's raining cats and dogs and our gutters are falling off and who's afraid of looking in the basement - I am!  In keeping with the theme of water we are awaiting the repair person to fix the refrigerator, which is leaking and buckling up our new floor.  Oh, joy.

I'd like to get out this afternoon and forget I own a house.  Hopefully le deluge will ease up by then.  I know, I know, the earth needs this big gulp of water, at least where we live.  I'm complaining, and I know better.  But in the last week, my tongue has been swollen to three times it's size, and bloody, my biopsy site turned bright pink and itches like crazy, so I had to go back in yesterday to get new antibiotic, new cleanser, cortisone something for the rash, and my eyes are goopy, probably from pain shots in my mouth or cheekbone, or just out of general protest.  I feel irritable.  Can't a girl complain a teensy, weensy bit?

I want to see the movie "Lincoln", but am trying to wait so the family can see it on Thanksgiving day.  Nothing else much appeals to me right now.  I'm looking forward to "Life of Pi", but it's not here yet.  It could be disappointing, as Ang Lee has his hits and misses.  Daniel Day Lewis only has hits.  He's my favorite living actor, though Cary Grant is my favorite all time, with Lewis second and Laurence Olivier third.  I am of devotee of Lewis, because he reveals the heart of the people he portrays.  I don't know how he does it, but I believe it helps to be the son of a poet.

Old Age Day by Day November 16, 2012

It rained last night.  I like the smell.  However, our gutters are falling apart, so I guess we will have to get someone out here.  The joys of houses.  Much to be done, oh dear.  I'm beginning to think of turkey and the whole delightful meal next week, and seeing some of my kids, and somehow even today feels festive.  In the meantime, I'm visiting a friend who has had surgery, and will try to think of movies and magazines and books to bring.  I have a frozen barley soup and it would be nice to bring flowers.  I'm a pretty good cheerer upper, if I say so myself.

Old Age Day by Day November 15, 2012

Two days in a row the dogs have not barked in the middle of the night.  The solution:  covering their access to seeing out the windows in the kitchen.  Aaaah.  Relief.  Evidently, it's a jungle out there in our back yard, with birds, cats, squirrels and strange shadows.  Our friend from Chicago suggested covering the windows, and voila!  I am a rested person. 

Last night I had a dream kind of like the old French movie "Children of Paradise".  I was in the middle of a big celebration, in fact, I was the drum major, and all around were happy faces and confetti and chaos and throngs of people.  I woke up smiling.  I had such a feeling of joy.  I have no idea what it means, but after awakening, I realized I'd had a similar dream before, so it seems it is reoccurring.  I guess I've internalized the movie so deeply that I'm now living in it occasionally.  Though my dream has none of the sadness, regret, and pain of the movie.  What a vacation this dream is, or is it a glimpse of nirvana?  It is not unlike the drops of water in the river that flows to the ocean, the central Buddhist metaphor of life.  Wow.

Old Age Day by Day November 14, 2012

My husband was up at the cabin, so last night I watched "Design for Living" with Fredrich March, Gary Cooper and Miriam Hopkins, and then "Rosemary's Baby".  I had never seen the first movie, but it was clever and riske and fun.  I adore Miriam Hopkins.  This film was precode and was shocking, in the premise.  The three stars managed to make it adorable, even though it was about a menage a trois.  I had not seen the sixties film in decades and it holds up really well, partly because it implies rather than hits us over the head with shocking scenes, in contrast to Kubrick's "Eyes Wide Shut", a hideous cliched attempt at a coven.  The metaphor is impeccable, powerful as ever.  Anyone pregnant has had that feeling of being taken over, not listened to, and controlled by doctors and friends.  Farrow is perfectly cast, as is Cassavetes. 

Of course, I had a bit of trouble sleeping after seeing a scary movie, and woke up early, but it was worth it.

Old Age Day by Day November 13, 2012

We're having this glorious, crisp, cool, sunny harvest weather, and yesterday, for our friend's Pueblo Feast Day, it was perfect.  The food was amazing, the people friendly and celebratory, in part because we were all relieved Obama had won the election.  Today is another great day, and I have just finished walking the dogs and will visit my friend recovering from surgery this afternoon.  A good day to be alive.  Gratitude is more and more with me, easy to access.  Every day is a blessing.  Eating cold papaya this morning, my teeth protesting, was a pleasure.  The huge golden persimmon leaves blanketing the steps are joyous.  Thinking of Thanksgiving next week makes me happy.  Having seen friends from long ago is lingering as this history that I treasure.  People who have known me in many incarnations are so valuable to be witnesses and keep me honest.  I appreciate them.

Well, enough about me, as Bette Midler would say, what do you think about me?  I trust your day is a good one, and these little moments of transcendence are like jewels in the hand.

Old Age Day by Day November 12, 2012

We had a delightful time with our friends from the midwest.  Yesterday we went to an art museum in the city and it was crystal clear and beautiful.  It's great to reconnect with people after a long time - lots to catch up on, photos to see, stories to tell.  We had known the woman for many decades, but except for a wedding reception in Colorado, had not spent time with the husband, and so we were getting to know each other.  We managed quite well.  It seems so long since the friend and I were in graduate school together, but we're always in sync when we see each other, our connection affirmed.

This afternoon we are going to a tribal feast day that friends are hosting, and I'm looking forward to that event, and seeing our friend's little girls.  They always come to our holiday party.  Then tomorrow, back to the normal routine.  Sigh.

Old Age Day by Day November 9, 2012

I finished the book on Lincoln yesterday, and cried quite a bit at the end.  The assassination is still so painful.  Then my husband and I decided to watch "Glory" last night and I cried buckets more.  It's so lovely to see real people hold fast to their beliefs, even at the risk of their lives.  I cannot imagine that courage, but hope I would have it.  Most of us are not tested, and we live and die without knowing what we are made of.  Lincoln and Robert Gould Shaw were fearful, and understood what they were risking, yet persevered.  There is a way to know what is right in your heart, and actually act on it.  The news of this is rare, yet people do it all the time.  Little people.  Unknown stories.  Bravery is not letting your fear cause you to not act, when action is called for.  And when I put it like this, I, too have acted from my heart, regardless of safety, a few times.  We probably all have.  We have it in us.  I like to be reminded of that fact.

Old Age Day by Day November 8, 2012

It's supposed to rain today, but it is sunny and pleasant.  I'm think of the east coast, where yet another storm has hit.  I really feel for them.  The election news has bouyed me up, but already, of course, the fiscal cliff has stunned the markets, and worry for the future is overtaking yesterday's news.  I believe we have a steady grownup at the helm, and one who can listen to others and take advice without feeling he needs to posture or his ego will be shown up.  So I'm hopeful something will be worked out.  I'm excited about my friends' visit, and cheerful about my sore tongue.  I have not broken off my temporary crown as of this moment, so for me, all is well.

My Buddhist teacher has hurt her foot and will not be with the study group this Saturday, but we are pretty competent to handle the discussion and will talk with her through a conference call.  We're so comfortable with each other that we smoothly handle our sitting and our Shantideva as well.  Everything changes, and handling change is part of our practice.

Old Age Day by Day November 7, 2012

We stayed up late last night to watch the election returns.  We're relieved and happy Obama won.  Now comes the hard part, as everyone is saying.  I'm really hoping the two parties find a way to cooperate for the good of the country.  We'll see.

I spent two hours at the dentist getting a new crown, and managed to bite my tongue badly, so it is swollen and painful.  The site of the crown was throbbing yesterday, but is fine today.  Now I've got to manage to not have the temporary crown fall off for two weeks.  I'm chewing with my left side, which is doubly important since the tongue on the right side is sore.  I realize that really was two hours of surgery, with the dentist and tech working hard and me having to try to remain calm.  Not pleasant, but necessary.  You can see why "Marathon Man" is a genuine horror film.  Luckily, my new dentist is very sweet and careful and kind.  No torture.

Today my granddaughter and I are heading to a bookstore when I pick her up.  I promised last week.  I also have two new board games to play.  One is about fairy tales and the other about finding puppies.  Do I know my granddaughter, or what?!

Old Age Day by Day November 6, 2012

We've already voted, and the sorrow of the day is upon me.  People's intentions are mostly good, and their view of the world is something they have a right to.  We are a divided country.  I'm reading "Team of Rivals" about Lincoln and his cabinet, and it feels right now similar to that political atmosphere, when the nation literally divided itself.  People sincerely believe differently, though most politicians are only about power.  Our hearts are in the right place, whether we are worrying about fetal rights, or our environment, budget concerns or raising everybody up.  We are battered bloody by the media and the lobbyists and the pundits.  The money could solve most of our problems, but it has dissolved into ads and hate.  We are one nation, and we need each other.  Our land is too big, our problems are too big, to be dealt with by the states.  We need the guidance and embracing arm of federal government.  But we don't want to believe it.  We think we can take care of ourselves, whereas our species is all about cooperation and interdependence.  My heart goes out to every person in this nation, struggling, confused and hopeful.

Old Age Day by Day November 5, 2012

We had a good weekend and now have business to get down to!  Our friends from Illinois are coming to visit, so slipcovers (covered in dog hair) must be washed, groceries bought, and other chores accomplished, so we can look like we keep a neat house.  Our female dog has a couple of things that must be checked out at the vet, and that is worrisome.  The weather is still beautiful, but the forecast is for rain and lousy weather while are friends are here.  It figures.  I finally heard from my friend in New York, and though power has been a big issue, and her son-in-law has been unable to get to work in the city, everyone's fine, including her ninety something mother in Virginia.  She's in Colorado babysitting her baby grandson while her daughter begins work again.  What a tough transition that is, especially as he's only 4 months old.  My friend is a terrific grandmother and she has six grandchildren, in three different states, so she is one busy gal.

I had a long talk with my granddaughter on the phone last night.  I sure miss her, but luckily, she is a talkalot, so the phone really helps.  She was a green fairy for Halloween and my daughter sent pictures, and she looks sparkly and happy.  I'm going to try to remember to be shiny green and sparkly myself this week. 

Old Age Day by Day November 4, 2012

I got up today an hour earlier than I needed to, due to the time change.  Oh, well.  I even set the alarm, without registering that it was going to be totally inaccurate.  I'm going to meditation this morning, so I can't go back to bed, and it's sunny and beautiful, so I don't feel too sorry for myself.  A childhood friend sent me a 1950s photo of the tiny town where we lived as kids.  It could be right out of "To Kill a Mockingbird" or "The Help".  Of course, I didn't even live in the town, per se, we lived right outside on a road off the main highway.  Behind our house were woods that went on and on.  I took the school bus into town, and biked there.  Though there was no destination really.  There was a drug store, the school, but no real place to land, so you had to be visiting a friend to even bother.  The movie theater had closed down, never to re-open, and the VFW and Masonic buildings were for our parents.  We went to church, and vacation Bible school.  There were dances at the K-12 school in the auditorium/stage/basketball court.  But most dances happened in people's homes.  Shopping was an all day event in Richmond, with a meal at the Hot Shoppe cafeteria.  That's when I learned to be very decisive very quickly, because if you weren't agreeable, your time was up and we were in the boy's department for my brother or my mother was looking at linens in Tallheimers.  To this day, I can always find something to buy; I'm flexible.  She who hesitates is lost.   No ideas of the perfect shoes or insistence on a certain color of coat.  I choose from what's available and in my size.  My mother sewed most of our clothes, so she was in no panic to outfit me.  Underwear and shoes and socks.  Those were about the only items she needed to buy.  To my dismay!  When I grew up, I was prepared for living in Fiji, where there were no stores with anything in my size.  I wore what I brought, and bought a sewing machine.  So I know how to do without a place to shop.  And now, even when I have all the time in the world to look, after about twenty minutes I feel the urge to wrap it up, pick out something, and leave.  Mom would be so proud.

Old Age Day by Day November 3, 2012

I read this morning in the paper about an elephant named Koshik who can say audible words in Korean (since he's in a zoo in South Korea).  This has been confirmed by independent German scientists.  He began verbalizing when two other elephants were relocated and he was lonely.  He speaks to his trainers.  He uses his trunk in his mouth to make the sounds.  This one story is worth more to me than anything about the election, economy or our culture of famous untalented persons.  Joy arises in me from the knowledge that an elephant is taking the initiative in bridging the species gap.  His trainers did not teach him this.  He figured it out by himself.  The article says in 1983, some Russian elephants could speak 20 Russian phrases, but there was no scientific study done to confirm it.  Talk about the struggle to suvive and adaptability!

Hopefully, Koshik will dictate poems next, and also come out with a statement on world peace and intraspecies cooperation.  He will speak up for the rainforests and plains and rivers.  I, for one, will be waiting and listening.

Old Age Day by Day November 2, 2012

Images of the storm back east are disturbing.  I was saying to a friend this morning that it looks like a sci fi movie - "Day After Tomorrow".  She wondered if it would occur to anyone that states NEED the federal government, and can't do things on their own.  And we both wondered about climate change.  Is it still a no-no as a topic for this election, except for Mayor Bloomberg?  So many things not open for discussion:  gun control, environmental issues, drones, Afganistan, schools.  Instead, the unborn have center stage and promises of jobs in an economy that no longer operates in the old way.  Neither candidate is honest, but at least one doesn't promise the moon.  Beware of strangers offering you candy.

Old Age Day by Day November 1, 2012

Wow!  Goodbye October.  Hello November.  October certainly went out with a bang here.  A huge world series parade in the city, with a million fans, Halloween, with millions of sugar addicted children, and a rainstorm at night to cap it all off.  We had a few more trick or treaters than we usually do, but still there are many dum-dum lollipops now ziplocked away in our pantry.  I had a nice time with my granddaughter sewing a felt cat with her new sewing kit, and then we watched that oscar contender, Dora and the Puppy Party.  Five stars, at least.  She was Pippi Longstocking.  I tried to call my granddaughter in Oregon, but no luck.  I hope I get a photo of her as the green fairy. 

Now, as the pumpkins are already here, it's easy to refocus on Thanksgiving.  Banish the black cats and put out the pilgrims and indians.  I'm thinking turkey already.

My friend and I are talking a walk this morning, then having lunch.  We've not seen each other in a while, due to commitments and my bad cold.  It will be good to catch up, though at the rate time is flying, it may be impossible1