Old Age Day by Day December 31, 2012

Last night I finished rolling all the yarn I bought the day before into balls and into a basket I also bought for this purpose.  I'm going back to knitting blankets.  I practically sprained my right wrist doing this, but my basket filled with colorful balls of yarn makes it all worthwhile.  I had to watch one and a half Cary Grant-Joan Bennett comedies to accomplish my goal.  Gosh, they are cute together, fast talking and tough and adorable.  The first film was "Big Brown Eyes" and the second "Wedding Present".  It looks like they had a lot of fun.  Now I'm all set for 2013 knitting. 

We drove around and looked at the lights last night before my knitting mania, and it was interesting to see all the creativity run amok.  And the best are at the biggest houses in the swankiest areas, but modest homes and certain streets where evidently the spirit just hit and hit hard.  We fell in the love with the new purple-blue lights, and my husband wants to get some of those next year.  We'll see. 

Yesterday's dharma talk set me on a good path for the new year.  He was talking about loving life, all of it, without discrimination.  Taking and embracing this messy, complex, contradictory, exasperating, joyful, tragic life we are given.  And after his talk, I thought, wow, I am able to do this a lot of the time now.  His training has been that helpful.  I felt proud of myself, instead of like I was failing at whatever Buddhist yardstick I had all twisted up in my head.  Because I really do feel life is precious, and maybe rolling balls of yarn is the ultimate joyride.

Old Age Day by Day December 30, 2012

Our shopping trip yesterday was successful.  My son found a suit, and also six shirts and two ties.  We worked hard, but came up roses.  Looking at men's suits is not something I'm that familiar with, since my husband, as a scientist, never had to wear them.  He bought two for our daughter's wedding, then maybe he's bought another since, but I can't remember.  I have been shopping before with both sons, but only the elder needs these kind of dress clothes, because he is going to be interviewing for jobs soon.  I my self no longer own a suit.  The era of pantsuits is over for me.  And as a college teacher, I never needed to be dressed up.  So it's a bit fun to look carefully at the minutest differences in fabric, color and style.  Everything is ulta subtle in men's suits.  And since he has a black suit and a gray one, he was looking for blue.  Next time it will be brown.  Not too exciting, but the good part is they never really go out of style, and he'll wear them for life.  I'm not sure I can say the same thing about my clothes, though I have had some coats and sweaters for 25 or 30 years.  And I have some retro coats that came from the 1950's.  One I call my Kim Kovak coat.

When I got home my husband had ordered pizza and we watched "Christmas in Connecticut".  I love Barbara Stanwick and Dennis Morgan in it.  Stanwick was edgy for her time, and had a great way with a line.  I like that persona of hers.

Old Age Day by Day December 29, 2012

It's been windy all night and still is today.  Gray and cold, for us.  Winter weather, for sure.  Two days ago my husband, younger daughter and I saw "Les Miz", and enjoyed it, as we adore the songs and have such terrific memories of seeing it on stage.  I don't think the movie entirely works.  Too many closeups and the ending speeded up and truncated.  The voices are fine, and I loved Russell Crowe giving more depth and complexity to Javert.  Anne Hathaway's early song is powerful.  Jackman is great, though I think a bigger actor physically would have been even better.  I really like Eddie Reymane as Marius.  The closeups are disconcerting, and I now know why I don't want to sit in the first row at the theater or opera.  But my husband put the CD on after we got home, and I almost liked that better, because the stage voices are so strong and passionate.  I like it just the way I remember it from the two times I saw it in the theater.  I read the book as a child, then as a young adult, and I am such a fan of Victor Hugo.  He's right up there with Dickens and Doestovevsky.  One of my early and constant passions.

Today I'm going shopping for a suit with my older son.  I'll lend moral support and get some time with him.  He's always too busy studying and writing.  So I'll grab him while I can.

Old Age Day by Day December 28, 2012

Why is it so hard to talk to people when you need to tell them to change something?  I've been dreading it for a week.  He sent me a bill for two times but only did one.  He also did not do the things I'd talked to him about, and not shown up as often as he agreed to.  My husband said not to bother to talk to him again, just fire him.  But I've needed second chances in my life, and I figured he might have a very good reason for sluffing off this fall.  It turned out he didn't, but I was as clear as I could possibly be, and I didn't give him the usual holiday bonus.  That was the hardest part for me.  I like to be generous.  In the end, we shook hands, and maybe the lack of a bonus will tell him I'm serious.  But I felt terrible, and am still trying to calm down.

I finished a book about Rocky Flats in Colorado.  My older daughter gave it to me for Christmas, and since my husband and I protested about the facility for the seven years we lived nearby, it was deeply interesting to find out more about the history and the closing of it.  The woman who wrote it grew up nearby and worked there for a brief time.  I remember when we were looking at houses to buy, and the realtor showed us ones near Rocky Flats, and told us we needed to sign a waiver for radiation dangers, we quickly looked many miles away and not downwind from the place either.  But people lived there, and died of cancers and struggled with ailments.  Once we went and hundreds of people linked hands around the perimeter.  Thank goodness we were cautious and knew better than to take chances.  Yes, those homeowners had a view, and it was convenient to Boulder, but they lived surrounded by contaminated soil, lakes and drinking water.  I'm not one for blind trust, and I've never thought the government was honest and truthful.  And especially not their contracted companies, like Dow in the beginning and Rockwell at the end.  For profit usually means by "any means necessary".  What a story!

Old Age Day by Day December 27, 2012

I got a great sleep last night, and it's beautiful today.  We've got some errands to run and hope to see "Les Mis" this afternoon.  There are noisy birds outside, in some kind of conflict or other.  Maybe around a squirrel.  Yesterday, we walked the dogs around a reservoir there in a tree very close was a huge rusty-red hawk with brown and white patterned wings.  It was eating something it had caught, resting in the crook of a leafless tree.  He or she turned to look at me, completely unconcerned that I was observing.  We stood there for many minutes, admiring his beauty, strength and size.  We also saw two pelicans and a heron, and a chickadee and other little brown birds, maybe sparrows.  The world indeed does have a show for us, guaranteed to give us pause and encourage reflection.  The beauties of the season are all around us, treasures more valuable than any gift.

So I'm in a great mood, and loving this after Christmas feeling of blessings and relief.  It's over, but it was good.

Old Age Day by Day December 26, 2012

Boxing Day!  When we lived in Colorado we used to celebrate this day with friends who were British, and it was fun.  Now I'll celebrate by getting the house back to normal, being mighty pleased with a lovely Christmas Eve and day with family and friends.  We had fun just cooking, watching "Elf" and playing Scrabble.  The food was fabulous, and everyone chipped in and made dishes.  We had a big surprise as our older daughter called from Hawaii and said her boyfriend asked her to marry him and she said yes.  She emailed a photo the a beautiful diamond ring he had made for her.  So our family will be expanding again, and we will be getting to know him better.  He comes with two sons, two parents, siblings etc, so Really expanding.  Our granddaughter called from New York, but she was buzzed up running around with the phone and I can't say I understood much, except she was happy and excited.  We talked to our family in Dublin as well, and that was good. 

It's sunny today and I plan to get out a bit, and maybe see a movie, or if not, walk around.  The holidays are over for me, as I do not do anything for New Year's.  I'm looking forward to seeing friends, a retreat, my daughter and granddaughter visiting and going up to see my best friend after.  The best stuff.

Old Age Day by Day December 23m 2012

We survived the night with three dogs.  Our son's dog ended up sleeping on the floor beside us, and he was very quiet and good, and our two dogs slept in their crates, as usual.  Having three dogs when it's raining is challenging, and I hope there is some kind of break this morning so we can walk them.  Our son's dog is a bit sad and confused, but seems to trust us.  It's going to be a long day with them in the confines of the house.  The more they get used to each other the better.  This morning they sychronized eating so all three finished at the same moment.  There stockings hang by the fireplace awaiting Santa.  If our female dog thinks the visitor is getting too much attention, she comes over and nudges us to pet her too.  They've worked things out.

Now, if the US Congress to figure out what the dogs have!

Old Age Day by Day December 22, 2012

I've really, really been busy this week.  More than I expected.  A friend from out of town, a dinner with a girl friend, movie and dinner with my granddaughter, shopping with several of my kids, a tea in the city with my younger daughter and daughter-in-law, phone calls galore, wrapping presents, grocery shopping, and who knows what else.  I was so tired by Friday I didn't make it to my granddaughter's piano recital.  I felt bad.  But my knees were sore, and I've had vague stomach or intestinal pains.  I'll have to check it out in the new year.

This weekend I'm trying to be quiet.  We are babysitting our son's dog, and it's raining, so we'll be quiet, I hope.  I have mysteries to read, and I love listening to Christmas music.  I'm looking forward to Christmas Eve and day.  I like the food, the family and our good friends.  I said goodbye to my older daughter and granddaughter on the phone Thursday.  My daughter is going to Hawaii for a week and the granddaughter going with her dad to New York to visit her grandmother and uncles and aunt there.  I know they'll both be having a terrific time.  I'm looking forward to a retreat in January with my good friend, and then my daughter and granddaughter visiting at the end of that month.

Blessings abound.  And we think of the families in Newton, their lives forever altered, and the violence our country seems so good at, and hope actions are taken to change this culture of fear and paranoia that engulfs too many people.  Decent people need to step up and insist on safety for innocents.  Maybe we can protect all children better if their situations at home are safer and without weapons or abuse.  Mentally ill children need resources and special care.  Not everybody can be mainstreamed.  Provide what is needed and morally right.  Don't cut services to children.  Don't stigmatize families with mentally ill members.  Offer them support.  That's what a great nation does.  Because it's the right thing.  These issues should not be politicized in any way. 

Old Age Day by Day December 19, 2012

Well, yesterday was so frantic I didn't have a moment to write.  Today promises to be over full as well.  My younger daughter, daughter-in-law and I are doing a girls day in the city, looking at lights and bumping along with the crowds.  They are both so fun to be with and we are having tea for lunch.  Last night a woman friend and I went to the nearby park carousel and saw lights, decorated trees and many adorable children.  It was so fun.  Then we had a comfort food dinner with mashed potatoes and hot tea.  I'm blessed with friends and family.  And I know it.

Old Age Day by Day December 17, 2012

The party is over, and I myself had a very good time.  It's fun to see friends and cook up a storm.  Cleaning up, maybe not so much.  Now we're back to repairing the refrigerator, and normal life.  I will attempt to finish shopping and see friends and family for some relaxing time.  Saturday my younger daughter and I saw "Silver Linings Playbook" and I was really surprised at how good a film it was.  It was funny and touching with a fresh script and good acting.  Robert de Niro disappeared in his role, and Bradley Cooper, who I never seen on screen, was excellent.  We both really enjoyed it.

It's raining now, and supposedly will be on and off this week.  I think it's good time to sit in the living room and admire out tree.  And read.  I just began "All The Beautiful Forevers", about slum kids in Mumbai.  I may have to switch to something more trivial for a bit, like a mystery.  We'll see how it goes.

Old Age Day by Day December 16, 2012

Today is the day of the party, so after eating yogurt and writing this, I will proceed to making chili and rice and cornbread and salad and 4 pies, with the help of our younger son and daughter.  It is a better looking day than I had any right to expect, but it still could rain tonight.  I love seeing my friends and getting to talk to everyone and this year meeting a bunch more of my son's friends.  I like providing food for people.  It's a big tradition in my family on my mother's side, a midwestern thing, and I also think not having to make dinner one night during this season is the best gift to my friends.  I love that our son is taking over the tradition, and really all four do this kind of thing for their friends and events.  And they put together the most spectacular surprise dinner party for me at our younger daughter's place this year.  I was thrilled and everyone who came raved about the food.  Knowing how to embrace friends is a great life skill, I believe.  My parents gave it to me and I've passed it on.

Old Age Day by Day December 15, 2012

The headline today in the newspaper said, "Unspeakable", and it really is impossible to find words for such a tragedy.  As with 9/11, the deliberate cruelty and unimaginable suffering can only be met with silence, prayers, and tears.  And we know around the world unspeakable actions are taken against tiny children every day, so this event speaks to all the children, and all the adults to try, sometimes vainly, to safe them.  When I was working in safehouses I saw terror and confusion of children who had their fathers as the perpetrators of violence, and we counselors often talked about wanting to take home certain kids and never let them in that environment again, but this environment was a school, a safe, clean ordered school.  They were supposed to be protected.  As we think of our grandchildren, and the world they live in, far more dangerous than the one our kids experienced, we can only pray.  And maybe, sometime take on the NRA and the subject of gun control in a more heroic and selfless way.  We could speak out more, and demand our leaders bring up the subject that was avoided by both sides throughout the election process.  We are failing the young.

Old Age Day by Day December 14, 2012

Today my son and I shop for the party.  Challenging, but what a relief when it's accomplished.  It looks like a dreary weekend, so cooking is probably as good an activity as any.  I haven't made pies in a long time, so I'm looking forward to that and the fudge. 

My husband and I went out for a fancy dinner last night, just for the heck of it.  The refrigerator is put back until Monday and we survived a scare about it not turning on, and the complete project probably won't be done for several more weeks, so we just celebrated for no reason.  I had crab and avocado salad, lobster thermador, which I've never had in my life, and a glass of sparkling wine.  We had a table by the window and could see out to the estuary and the lights on boats.  We came back and I read my mystery and my husband watched "Wallee" with the dogs.  Ah, the aged way of life, it has it's pluses.

Old Age Day by Day December 13, 2012

They are putting the refrigerator space back together and next week we can hopefully get the floor redone.  Just in time for the holidays.  And if it doesn't happen, I'm prepared.  In the larger scheme of things, this is a blip.  It's a beautiful day, but more rain is forecast.  I'm refusing to worry about the party.  Whatever will be will be.  That's my mother's voice.

My granddaughter and I had a fun girlie day shopping for puzzles and books and having hot chocolate and brownies.  Well, she had the food, as both have sugar, but, and I really mean this, my pleasure in her pleasure was better than food.  She picked out a hot pink sweater with sequins and a bright orange ruffled skirt at the Gap Kids, and though I was not entirely convinced they matched, I let her decide.  We found a Christmas book about a basset hound who's family gets a new kitten, which I thought was astute psychology on her account, since she has a six month old baby sister.  And she picked out a lab puppy calendar.  Then we got rained on and ran to the car.  On the way back to her house she asked me to rank animals in order of preference:  dogs, horses, cats, and rats.  She chose:  cats, dogs, bunnies and guinea pigs.  But when I put in horses, she thought she might revise her list.  We have had some great days together feeding ponies and horses at the barn where my daughter-in-law works. 

My husband picked up crispy chicken tacos for dinner, so my day was complete.

Old Age Day by Day December 12, 2012

It rained early this morning but is sunny now, so my husband is taking the dogs to the reservoir.  I will await letting in the the repair people, and try not to look at the mess they have made of the downstairs.  At least I slept well last night, so I can hopefully have some fun with my granddaughter this afternoon.  I'm feeling very domestic, but the state of the kitchen is not conducive to baking or even having a cup of tea in.  The better plan is to be away as much as possible. 

I need to walk aimlessly tomorrow, I can see that.  I do love just bumbling around my neighborhood, and passing by the  post office, knowing I do not need stamps or to mail anything, ha, ha, ha.  Next week is time enough to buy the remaining Christmas presents, figure out menus for Xmas Eve and Day, and find some old fashioned candy for stockings.  There is actually a new candy store nearby, and I bet they have some retro stuff.  Ribbon candy, pez candy, more candy canes and some taffy for the party.  I can't eat it, but I can sure admire it, and actually I can still remember the taste. 

Old Age Day by Day December 11, 2012

I had a nice walk with a neighbor I haven't seen in a while.  It was good to catch up.  There is work happening in the kitchen, and hopefully the leak issues will be resolved for the new year.  I am calm, utterly calm, or well, attempting to be so.  Today is beautiful, but there is rain in our future, and I hope it is not on the day of the party.  These things cannot be controlled, unfortunately. 

I'm reading Alice Munro's newest book, "Dear Life".  Her stories are tricky.  They begin like an ordinary story, and the people seem distant and quaint even, but then the characters become complex, the motivations blurry and the outcome unclear.  Sort of like life.  There is clear feminist intent on the author's part, but not preachy, just a nod to the complexity of being a woman, the demands men often make unconsciously, and the restricted choices women had in Munro's generation.  Some of those restrictions still seem to have ghosts in the present era.  The women protagonists are often confused about what is going on and moving forward intuitively rather than with a life plan.  They are buffeted by forces they don't understand, but the reader does.  The stories are sad underneath, but with so much truth and beauty that the discomfort is almost easeful, instead of a downer.  I am a great admirer of her craft, and I also like the window into the Canadian world. 

Old Age Day by Day December 10, 2012

Today we get the tree!  It will be hard work and exhausting, but I'm ready to decorate.  I will unpack my snow globes, and clutter up the downstairs, but then I do like clutter.  There are a quite a few stages to get from here to the party.  It involves a lot of trips to and fro and plugging away at little tasks.  I'm up for it.

Tomorrow the workers come to repair the refrigerator and wall etc, so they will be plugging away as well.  I feel like it will be a house filled with elves.

Old Age Day by Day December 9, 2012

Today is our youngest's birthday.  She threw herself a party last night and we are taking her and her siblings to dinner tonight.  When she was born, there was a true knot in her umbilical cord, and we felt so blessed that it had never tightened in the womb.  When Andrew Solomon's son was born, the doctors and nurses panicked, and he was given a CAT scan.  So Solomon and his partner got quite a scare.  I think I'm grateful there was not quite as much technical intervention in the old days.  Anyway, I've always thought of her as a bit of a miracle.  They all are.  It's a rocky path to birth, frought with dangers. 

I'm going to meditation and a dharma talk then having an interview with my teacher.  My first one.  I have no idea how it will be.  I will be as surprised about what comes out of my mouth as anyone.  Maybe that's how it should be.

Old Age Day by Day December 8, 2012

I went into the living room to add another holiday card to the pile and discovered our dogs had eaten all the cards so far.  No wonder one of them has been gagging a lot.  Such is my lot with crazy dogs.  It's been that kind of day anyway.  I did not enjoy my study group, and was unable to remember why I find going desirable.  It seemed like such a waste of time.  I was pretty disgusted over lunch, then decided to take a nap and promptly erased the afternoon.  Now I've awoken, it's dark and I have no cards.  Luckily, there is still some hope for the day, as we are going to a Chaunakkah party tonight.  I'm going to change clothes, brush my hair, and start over.  Tomorrow I must get up early and be gone for meditation and dharma talk and then have my first interview with my teacher.  Right now I can't think of a thing to say, so hopefully inspiration will strike.  If not, I'll nod my head wisely, I guess.

Old Age Day by Day December 7, 2012

My husband and I saw "Life of Pi" yesterday, and it is knock out.  So beautiful to see and so profound, but in a gentle, funny way.  Irrfan Khan is wonderful, and the whole movie is magic.  I can't recommend it enough.  It's about our "stories" of ourselves, and how we have choice about how we see the world. 

I had a lovely time perusing two stores for little gifts - stocking stuffers and a baby gift and ornaments, plus a couple of surprises for our younger daughter, who's birthday is Sunday.  I love finding things for other people, it gives me real pleasure.  That and having a party are my two favorite activities this time of year.  Today I'm searching at Ikea for some goodies.  Wish me luck.

Old Age Day by Day December 6, 2012

I was happy today to see an article in the newspaper about Obama meeting with the Conference of Tribal Elders again.  He's kept his promise and met with them every single year.  He's been adopted into the Crow Nation and is Barack Black Eagle.  The respect he is showing for our Native American history in this country thrills me.  And the same newspaper also had an article about a large percentage of Californians feeling happier since Obama won the election.  Of course, that could be just relief the whole election morass is over.  But I am happy. 

And grateful.  The claims adjuster came out, did not look behind the refrigerator, so what the heck were we waiting for?  But anyway, they will pay part and we will pay part, and we can now attempt to get someone to come out and fix the eyesore.  Lots of luck getting anyone until January.  Of course they were very late, then called and said someone else was coming out, then he was very, very late, and we sat around waiting and waiting.  I wish it had been for Godot. 

Today I aim to do one frivolous thing, and not just take care of Christmas business. 

Old Age Day by Day December 5, 2012

Today I'm going with my granddaughter ornament looking, and we will also pick out a couple for our trees.  The nursery has umpteen trees with a theme for each:  ballet, pets, skiing, elves, zoo, you name it.  I'm also looking for little snow globes, for the children and grandchildren of friends.  It's raining and dreary, so that outing ought to cheer us right up.  My friend might join us and share in the fun.

The claims adjuster is coming out this morning, so maybe we can get an okay to fix the mess in the kitchen.  Or not.  What will be will be, as my mother used to say.  It wasn't illuminating then and it isn't now.

I've been working hard on Christmas cards, and I'm getting there.  As usual, I picked the wrong number of photos to reproduce, and have ended up with extras of some and wishing I had more of others.  I can't quite figure out an intelligent plan for the process.  But I get my cards out and promptly, so I'm not going to beat myself up.  In fact, I'm grateful for the process I have developed, which gets the job done with minimal back pain.  Today in the newspaper there was an article on researching gratitude's effects on people, and I know from my practice the efficacy of thinking of stuff I'm grateful for.  I'm happier for it.  Evidently it also soothes the heart, the body and soul.  Well, yeah!

Old Age Day by Day December 4, 2012

We picked up our younger daughter and her boyfriend from the airport last night and I was struck by how clear the night was and how far the visibility.  Part of this probably is because of the recent rains cleaning the air, but part I think is the fact that I rarely go out at night now, so I have this abstract notion of what the night looks like.  I also lack confidence in my vision, especially at night, but last night I would have had no trouble driving.  It's too easy to be scared off of activities at night, or just not being shut in the house at night, which comes so early this time of year.  Unfortunately, walking at night is not an option in my high crime rate area.  Then I could really look up and see the stars.  Our house is surrounded by huge trees, so the back or front yard don't afford a view.  I'm missing something.  I realized that.

Today is a big push to wrap a big present for our granddaughter and get it mailed.  Ugh!  Then I have a meeting in the afternoon.  I don't like meetings.  Oh, well, there are lovely moments no doubt in this gray day.  I just have to find them.

Old Age Day by Day December 3, 2012

We're having a dry day today, so my husband is rushing out to take the dogs to the reservoir, and I am going to do a bunch of errands.  The sun is shining and the waters have receded.  We had a nice lunch with our younger son yesterday, walking there and back and getting fruit on the way.  Then I read my amazing book, and called a friend and generally snuggled in for the dark wet evening.  I am so interested in the summary of information in Solomon's book, and riveted to the stories of families coping or not with horrendous surprises of children sick and disabled and difficult, without often the support they need and deserve.  I read about schizophrenia last night, and the suffering of its victims leaves no silver lining.  Parents literally lose the child they loved to a stranger.  But their courage, and that of the victims, in the face of such a cruel, relentless disease, is humbling.  These victims need halfway houses and constant care all their lives, but our culture seems to believe we aren't responsible for them and should leave it to the families.  What a tragedy.

How we face what we have to bear depends on circumstances as much as character.  Those with resources succeed in getting help, those without are lost, to fend for themselves.  I believe if we had universal health care, there would soon be facilities and halfway houses to give families relief and a sense of safety.  I hope our country takes the compassionate stance on people with disabilities.  I don't think it has fully embraced our interconnectedness and need to take care of our communities, not just ourselves.  I hope everyone reads this book.

Old Age Day by Day December 2, 2012

There are flood warnings and such a deluge I did not go to meditation this morning.  It's supposed to clear this afternoon.  In the meantime I am reading my terrific book by Solomon, "Far From the Tree".  It is so thought provoking and informational.  I have read the chapters on deaf children and dwarves.  Nest is down syndrome.  He is exploring what makes parents accept or reject difference in their children, and how being different and more importantly, others' attitudes affects these children.  It is a lesson in capacity and compassion.  It reminds me of my first husband's family, in Fiji, who had no money or resources, but tenderly cared for their severely disabled son in the middle of their one room, so that he was surrounded by his family and great kindness until he died, many years later.  I don't know his life from his perspective, but I know he never new cruelty, abandonment or felt a lack of belonging, whereas many parents would have sent him away to be wearhoused.

So I am learning spiritual lessons from this book.  Solomon's other book, "The Noonday Demon:  an Atlas of Depression" informed me in the same way.  Our attitude towards what our life unfolds as is more important than any details.  After reading that book I had so much more compassion for what the world labels mental illness.  I saw it as complex and also so individual.  The responses are infinite.  The possibilities just as infinite.

Old Age Day by Day December 1, 2012

Today is my friend's birthday, which is gratifying, as she can no longer rib me about being older, as she has for the last three months.  We often celebrate her birthday together, but we didn't this year, and I miss that.  I hope to see her in early February, and it will be here in a blink of an eye, I know, but still.  Birthdays are hard, and I appreciate my friends and family's thoughtfulness to ease me through.  Basically, we don't know how in the hell we got this old, and we know we should feel grateful, but along with that comes some bafflement about how to be.  My parents died decades ago, so I don't have a solid model for how this works, and neither does my best friend.  We're winging it, as they say.

I have been growing my hair out, because I don't care anymore if I'm too old for long hair, or look like a witch (at least a witch has powers).  I just like my hair long, so there!  Otherwise, I think I am basically age appropriate, and semi dignified, but if I want a nest on my head, so what.  There may be other rebellions in the offing, who knows.  And who cares?!  Us invisible elderly, free at last.