Old Age Day by Day February 28, 2013

Last day of a short month!  Spring is stepping up to the plate!  And today looks glorious.

My daughter, friend and I had a great time seeing the two installations of Hung Liu, one an amazing gold mountain of fortune cookies, and the other a multilayered enormous mural that had so much for the eye to take in that it was impossible.  Then we heard  her speak.  She's articulate, funny, and awe inspiring.  I bought a book of her show in Beizing, and will also buy the book from the Oakland Museum when that show opens.  I've admired her for many years, and my friend has a painting by her, very lovely.  My daughter got to know her while she was in grad school at Mills, and she had her to her classroom as a guest.  The kids loved her.  She's sixty five and a bundle of high energy enthusiasm.  No slowing down for this older lady!

So I'm excited about her retrospective, and also a new show at the Asian Museum that just opened.  And I want to see the Mauritisius show at the de Young another time as well.  Treasures abound!

Old Age Day by Day February 27, 2013

I ended up not being able to find Parade's End with Benedict Cumberbatch last night on PBS, but watched three hours of a documentary on the feminist movement.  It was great, and brought back a lot of memories.  The movement changed my life.  And it touched on so many issues I was facing:  being a single mother with two kids, finding a name for what happened in my first marriage (battering), the struggle in the workplace over pay, respect, and the sexual harassment, the growing solidarity with other women.  I stepped out of the box of patriarchy and into a wider world, where I could see what really was happening around me.  And it all fit:  Civil Rights, Native American rights, gay rights and women's rights.  I almost cried last night remembering how the ERA got defeated.  I'm still stunned. 

I have my granddaughter this afternoon and then tonight I'm going with my younger daughter and friend to see Hung Liu's exhibit and an interview with her.  She is so inspiring, and a fine feminist icon for all of us. 

Old Age Day by Day February 26, 2013

Oh dread day!  I have my annual checkup.  I've probably gained weight, my blood pressure will be up, the lab tests dire and this time I actually have a complaint about discomfort on my right side.  At my age, the possibilities for bad news are endless.  I'll go, but gee. 

I'm trying to plan to outings in the evening this week, tomorrow and Friday.  I feel awkward, now that I don't drive at night, and I have to overcome my reluctance to ask for help.  It's hard to admit limitations, and feel beholden, as they say.  There will be more of this as I get older. 

I'm going to watch the PBS show about feminists tonight.  It should be interesting.  So much of my life has been about consciousness raising groups and feminist activities.  The movement directed and uplifted my life and writing and teaching.  It will be good to see the icons again.

Old Age Day by Day February 25, 2013

Well, my husband and I watched the Oscars last night.  It's not nearly as fun as the process leading up to it:  the speculation, the nominations, the politics.  My choice for best film never wins, and last night was no different, even though I would have been happy with Lincoln, Life of Pi or Amour.  Thank goodness they didn't go completely crazy and gave Daniel Day-Lewis the award for best actor.  And he had the best speech by far.  But Jennifer Lawrence over Emmanuelle Riva and Jessica Chastain?  And Anne Hathaway over Sally Field and Amy Adams?  Come on.  I'm sure Christopher Waltz deserved his.  And Michael Haneke for his original screenplay.  But Tony Kushner should have gotten adapted.  At least Life of Pi got cinematogaphy.  Argo is a super intertaining film, but it is inaccurate historically and has a little bit of humor, history and drama stirred in a broth that Hollywood likes.  They want to stay away from either truth telling, as in Zero Dark Thirty or Lincoln, and especially from deep issues as in Life of Pi or Amour.

Anyway, I mainly watch it for the dresses, and there were many lovely ones.  I thought Salma Hayek,  Amy Adams, Charlise Theron and Anne Hathaway looked gorgeous, but many more did as well.  Jennifer Lawrence fell on her dress, so perhaps that was not the wisest choice.  Speaking of wisest choices, Meryl Streep again managed to find a dress that was unbelievably hideous and made her look hippy.  She has a knack for bad dressing.  Charlise Theron and Channing Tatum dancing, Shirley Bassey and Barbara Streisland and Adele singing, were delightful.  I thought Seth Mac Farlane was inane, and Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy seemed drugged, but most presenters were fine.

We watched the show while eating crispy chicken tacos and drinking beer, and were relieved when it was all over.  There were three, at least, masterpieces this year:  Lincoln, Life of Pi and Amour, and I'm willing to add The Master and Zero Dark Thirty, though I haven't seen it.  But no, we have another Crash, which nobody will see twice.  Strange world down there in SoCal.  Oh, well.

Old Age Day by Day February 24, 2013

I'm going to meditation this morning, and had study group yesterday, and finished a Buddhist book last night by Adyashanti.  So I feel kind of like my strings have been tuned and my guitar is humming.  The more the study group focuses on Shantideva's chapter on patience, the more I see the ways in which I get impatient, and try to push myself to "sum up" or categorize or label, instead of staying with "Don't know".  I am attempting to sit with contradictory feelings without needing to come to resolution, which always leaves things out.  Thus I've had more times recently when I cry and then have a moment of laughter and move on.  I'm not clinging to a feeling, and I'm not pushing a feeling away.  That's progress.

Maybe in an essay I need to indicate broad trends and have points of argument, but in real life it can just be messy.  Really messy. 

Old Age Day by Day February 23m 2013

I was cooking a new recipe, a turkey/sweet potato/chili soup, and had peppers laid out, chopped up, ready to go.  I locked the dogs outside while I checked my email, and when I returned, the door was open and most of the peppers gone.  My husband had let them in, not noticing food on the counter.  The result:  $175 worth of stomach pumping.  It turned out to be an expensive soup.  Only the male and eaten them, but we didn't know that, so off to the vet they went, to return later guilty but innocent.  After all, labs are canine goats.  So we had a lot of excitement around here, and incidentally, the soup was delicious.  It's ironic, because I had been so careful to wash my hands again and again, not touch my face or eyes, not get any seeds anywhere.  But those sneaky dogs outwitted me. 

So no dinner for the dogs.  They seem fine today.  I'm off to my Buddhist study group, and then maybe some shopping.  It is another beautifully sunny day, and I hope to take a nice walk this afternoon.

Old Age Day by Day February 22, 2013

I had my double art day yesterday.  Delightful!  Today I'm seeing two dear friends and tomorrow is my study group, so I'm a happy camper.  I am also going to the store to get some ingredients to make a turkey-sweet potato soup, with chilis, and it sounds like a winner.  my friend from out of town is coming for dinner, and so I have some incentive to cook wisely and well.  Actually, I always cook wisely, in the sense of healthily, but often it is by rote.  I get bored easily by my repetoire.  What can I say, deja vu all over again.  I'm actually old enough to have been a fan of Yogi Berra while he was playing.

Which reminds me - there is a reason to read the sports section again, because the As are gearing up and there are articles on the players and before you know it, the season will open.  Ahhhhhhh.

Also, I've given away a couple hundred more books, and to a good cause, and my bookshelves are more organized and dust free for the moment and it gives me a feeling of accomplishment.  Almost any old thing can give you pleasure if you let it.  Let it.

Old Age Day by Day February 21, 2013

I just returned from seeing two lovely art shows:  a Dutch etching show with tons of Rembrants, and a Dutch painter show from the 1600s as well, with Vermeer's Girl With the Pearl Earring as the star.  Both are rich and beautiful.  My husband said he felt pulled into that world and time and I did as well.  There are many exquisite works.  I ended up getting a print Fabritius' The Goldfinch.  But I loved so many more.  The Dutch world of that era seems to have been complex, engaging and rich.  And what a golden age for artists!  I doubt I'll ever get to the Hague, and the Mauritius Museum, so it's such a treat to see these works.

Yesterday my foster granddaughter's mom told me as we were sewing at her house that she and her partner had gotten married while in Costa Rica.  I was thrilled.  Today she emailed pictures, and they all look so happy and so knit together as a family.  The images are gorgeous, with the sunset on the beach and the three red haired females rivaling the sunset, and the husband looking like he was the luckiest man alive.  He is.  And my granddaughter's dead father must be smiling from above, to see his girls so happy again.  Life is a wonder, a joyous circle of life.

Old Age Day by Day February 20, 2013

Today is our daughter-in-law's birthday, and we've already called and sung a terrible harmonic version of happy birthday.  We won't see her for a week and a half, for a luncheon and to give her presents.  At this point, we've known her for a very long time, and she's been our daughter-in-law for over eleven years.  Pretty amazing.  She still looks as young, but like everyone she's had challenges:  starting and selling a business, having falls while riding, going back to college to earn a teaching credential and M.A.  It's privilege to watch her growing up and older and becoming confident and sure of her value.  She's strong.

I'm going pick up my granddaughter this afternoon and do something until we go to her house so I can give a sewing lesson to her and her mom.  She received a sewing machine for Christmas, but I guess it's hard to figure out.  I hope I can.  I haven't seen her in almost 3 weeks, as I was away, then she was away.  Her family went to Costa Rica, so I'm sure she has much to relate about her trip.  She's growing up so fast, and I want to enjoy her while she still has time for me. 

Old Age Day by Day February 19, 2013

Today I'm seeing a film and having lunch with our younger daughter, who is off from work this week.  A nice treat, and on a dreary day.  I believe the rain is coming.  In fact a little came last night.  My husband is hard at work on a puzzle, and in between working on that he is reading the third Hunger Games book.  I am about to start a new book, and just finished a fun thriller about hedge fund trading.  The financial world is not a pretty picture.

I was organizing my books in my studio yesterday and came upon two books from the seventies on vegan eating and healthy recipes.  It reminded me that I was doing what my kids are doing now a long time ago, namely, searching for the safest and healthiest food for my family.  But now we have an organic cornicopia of food, and so much more information.  Yet, fast food and junk food has also risen.  We eat too much of everything, the good and the bad.  I have long since given up on baking bread, since healthy baked goods abound, but also, I eat out so often, in a way I never did back then.  Yes, I can eat salads and choose wisely, but sometimes I don't.  The foods are too tempting.  My older daughter is trying gluten-free cooking, and I applaud her efforts, and hope she'll be more successful than I was.  But the culture pulls us back into unhealthy eating so often.  I hope it's changing, but I wonder.

Old Age Day by Day February 18, 2013

Today is gloomy, in preparation for the rain we're expected to have by tomorrow.  We need more rain, so I'm not worried.  I went to my Buddhist temple yesterday after missing two Sundays, and it was like coming home.  Anam Thubten's talks are so useful and tender.  His compassion is foremost, and every talk seems to knit right into all the others in this ever expanding web of heart felt understanding.  It makes me happy to be on this path, to see myself as a part of something larger, something better, with capacities I didn't know I had before.  I love myself in a way I couldn't before.  What a gift!

This President's Weekend has been more meaningful for me as the film "Lincoln" and the book "Team of Rivals" has highlighted the man and the presidency in a way I'd not thought of before.  I feel both the book and movie gave me a role model and a kind of person who can actually do some good in that office.  I hope Obama will turn out to have similar qualities and compassion.  I think it wouldn't hurt to reexamine Washington as well, who was much more interesting that our history classes would have it, and a model for not grasping at power.  Who would play him in the movie?  Daniel Day Lewis again?  No, wrong physical type.  Perhaps Kenneth Branaugh.  No, too short.  It's all about the eyes.  Washington had an equinimity about him.  A calmness and direct gaze.  Oh, well, enough casting for now.

Old Age Day by Day February 17, 2013

Some friends and my husband and I saw the film "Amour" last night.  It's amazing.  The acting is first rate and the subject:  old age and death, not something we see on the screen in any meaningful way.  And this particular couple depicted are victims of Western culture's shame and revulsion at old age and death.  They see themselves as "independent" instead of in a life stage where they need help.  Asking for help is shameful.  So they implode on each other, isolating themselves and hiding like criminals.  The daughter is no help, as she is uncomfortable and afraid to alter the balance of power, which compassion would have forced her to do, if she wasn't unwilling to step up to the plate.  She's teary and pitying, which they do not need and cannot use.  The tragedy of this couple is in their attitude towards life changes and the transition towards death.  This is the story, in general terms, of many elderly in our country as well.  People treat them as if they are children, take away their dignity, or abandon them for their own selfish lives.  Our culture forgets how interdependent the generations are, and how much help is needed and must be fluid between the different life stages and/or circumstances.  There are so many beautiful scenes in this movie, but notice the slow panning of closeups of the couple's paintings, near the end.  The eternal dance of life and death and the brief beauty of life is showcased.  Everything changes.  We are a part of this flowing, changing river of life, and we'd best feel the water while it washes over us.

Old Age Day by Day February 16, 22013

I've just had a turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce and stuffing.  We have to go through the tunnel to get to the cafe/hofbrau place where the turkey is fresh roasted, but once in a while I get a craving for turkey.  It was sublime.  I've done a bunch of errands and stuffed myself, and I'll be reading my mystery this afternoon.  Our younger son stopped by to borrow our big car to take to the cabin, as he, a bunch of friends and five dogs are going up for the weekend.  Next weekend our younger daughter heads up with a bunch of her friends.

Having just gotten home, I'm not in the mood to head anywhere.  I'm enjoying my own bed, pillow, and stuff around me.  I love to travel and I love to return.  And for me, about 10 days is ideal to be away.  More than that and I get weary of strange beds, and less is sometimes not enough.  I was gone a week this time.  A few days more might have given me a chance to see more, but this way I didn't abuse my hosts too much.  Our next trip is for our anniversary, and we're doing three nights away.  I'm looking forward to that, because I love the area where we're going, and the place we will be staying has a pool.  It's always lovely and luxurious to swim out of season. 

But today, it's quiet, a slow day, and I can doze if I want, and jump up and take care of some aspect of the house if I'm figgety.  And if a friend calls, I'm available.

Old Age Day by Day February 15, 2013

We are having summer here right now.  Next week rain is coming, but right now, it's heaven.  My husband and I had a lovely dinner of ribeyes, baked potatoes, asparagus and salad, accompanied by prosecco.  Then we watched "The Philadelphia Story" with Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn.  That was the romantic movie we picked.  We then had a lively discussion about the characters and what they represent, as well as my husband revealing he played Kitteridge in high school and wished he could have played Connor or Dexter.  He felt he wasn't considered handsome enough.  I argued Kitteridge was an interesting character, but I get his point. 

Right now the piano is being tuned, and my husband said he'd walk the dogs after, but he loved listening to the tuning.  Now isn't that romantic of him? 

I'm reading a wonderful book by Adyashanti, and I went to bed right after reading a chapter, so I slept well, despite the prosecco.  However, in the paper this morning an article outlined the danger of cancer from alcohol, which I'd never heard of, so, back to my usual one or two beers a week.  Is there anything safe to eat or drink?  Kale and blueberries are about it.

Old Age Day by Day February 14, 2013

I just arrived back from my trip last night, and I've done my laundry and slept in my bed and am ready for my life here and now.  My husband had red roses waiting for me when I returned, and I have romantic plans today:  see my therapist, go to the dentist, and grocery shop.  The dogs had nervous breakdowns while I was gone, and the male dog refused to eat, but they seem okay today.  I guess I'm more important than I thought. 

I had a sweet trip, seeing my daughter and granddaughter, meeting again my daughter's fiance and his two sons, visiting with my best friend.  The weather was cold and gray, but I was expecting that, and it didn't rain, which I considered fortuitous.  I had some nice meals in restaurants and in my daughter's and my friend's homes, and saw two movies.  But the best moments were playing with my granddaughter, and reveling in her brightness, imagination, intelligence and sweet temper.  She's a treasure.  The two little boys who are becoming part of my life were affectionate and delightful as well.  My daughter is going from one to three kids, which is quite an adjustment.  The boys seem to adore her, and readily accepted me.  So in one fell swoop my granddaughter gets two brothers.  It's heady stuff.

I began a journal on my trip, and hope to keep that up.  It's a chronicling of my Buddhist practice, which stood me in very good stead on this trip.  I allowed myself, several times, to withdraw and feel the feelings that were welling up, and protect myself from reactivity.  I am so grateful to have the tools to guide myself to actions that I don't regret and to speak only when I truly know what is wise to say.  My trip was successful, in that I took care of myself as much as anyone else.