Old Age Day by Day April 30, 2013

Today is the last day of April, and the gardener has not shown up for a second time for which I've already paid him.  The handwriting is on the wall.  I must find a new gardener.  I think I'm a very nice person and maybe that is allowing him to not show up, but even I, sucker with a capital S, know when to quit paying a gardener only in theory.  It's just he's been my gardener for over ten years.  Where's the loyality?  Obviously, only on my side, and the boat has tipped so far over that capsizing is eminent. 

It's warming up this week to summer levels.  I slept with the fan on last night.  I love it.  I'm going to go out there today and get me some rays!  My husband says the cabin is warm as well, and he has the deck furniture out and can sit out and bask.  The dogs can bark at people on the path.  All is right. 

Old Age Day by Day April 29, 2013

I'm about to go on a walk with a friend.  It's summer again and I'm taking advantage of it.  I had a good weekend.  It was good as always seeing my study group, and we had a lively discussion which was helpful.  Sunday's dharma talk was terrific, and I felt eased and focused after.  My husband has taken the dogs to the cabin and I hope he has good weather up there.  It's nice getting a break from routine - not having to prepare meals or get up at the same time.  Yes, I eat.  But I do what he does at the cabin, I eat salads and prepared meals I pick up, and try to keep to two real meals.  I watched exactly what I wanted to last night and went to be when it felt right.  There are these subtle compromises in marriage that are made without even thinking consciously about it, and it's good to have a break from that juggling.  It makes me appreciate the benefits of both ways.

I will, of course, eat as spicy as possible, since my husband doesn't like spicy.  I need to get it out of my system while he's away.  Here come the chiles!

Old Age Day by Day April 27, 2013

My husband, our younger daughter and I had a beautiful walk yesterday.  Wildflowers were everywhere.  It was a long hike, and we ate our lunch in the grasses, and rarely encountered anyone else.  The dogs were in heaven.  We were all exhausted at the end, but happy.  And I felt a pang occasionally of how old the dogs are getting, and how I want to treasure these times while they can still run around and bounce for the joy of it.  They met a few other dogs and our female talked her head off to them, eager to tell them what we were doing.  Dogs know how to appreciate. 

Today I have my study group and I look forward to that.  These friends and my teacher have known each other for over twenty years.  We're close, and our goal is the same.  That creates a comfortable atmosphere and a sense of coming home. 

Old Age Day by Day April 25, 2013

Another dreary day, but today I'm prepared for it and will dress accordingly.  We saw a great entertainment movie yesterday - "Oblivion".  Our family loves sci fi and this one is a keeper.  Tom Cruise is great and the visuals and story are fascinating.  It was a good dreary day venture.  Today I'm pretty busy with some plans and tomorrow we're taking a hike with the dogs, I think.  I'm reading a book I avoided for a long time:  Murder at Pemberly by PD James.  I'm sick of Jane Austen, with all the exploitive novels and movies, but this is well done.  What it lacks is the wit of Austen, and it ultimately shows a world grown serious and maybe too responsible.  It's a harsh judgment on the Bennetts, I think, and perhaps Austen had this heavy morality backing up her books, since her father was a pastor, but the balance is all wrong in this book.  But it makes me think of the miracle of Austen's prose, that it can walk that tightrope, showing us the frivolity and corruption while reveling in it.  So James' book is actually a kind of meditation on the genius of Austen and her silence  on the  inevitable outcomes from complex lives and relations in a constricted world.

Old Age Day by Day April 24, 2013

Not so pretty today, with a cool bite in the air and overcast.  But I did get my new glasses, which I like very much, and my view is sharper and crisper.  The joys of seeing better!  Would that that were a metaphor. 

I've been sleeping well because we have the window open and a fan blowing on us.  It's not actually hot enough for such a measure, but boy do I love it.  I guess I need background noise or circulating air to sink into a deep sleep.  I also love hearing the outside:  the birds in the morning, the dogs barking on early walks, the bicyclists talking as they ride by.  I hear the paper thump on the steps, the hammers working, the train whistle and every firetruck or police vehicle.  It's my town, and it's busy.  On some nights I hear the concert in the Greek Theater.  The other night it was Green Day.  On Thursday nights the Cal band practices, when it's football season the cannons roar when there is a touchdown.  The Campanile chimes every hour.  The squirrels scold from our trees, the cats fight in our front yard, and occasionally the racoons screech from the cedar tree.  So.  Add a little whir of a fan and that is the piece de resistance.

Old Age Day by Day April 23, 2013

We got pots, plants and potting soil yesterday, and attempted to beautify the back yard.  It looks better, but probably will not be on the cover of Sunset.  Oh, well, we can't all be upscale.  We're down-dog, and I don't mean downward dog either.  My husband has gone on a hike with our younger daughter who has this week off from teaching.  I'm going to lunch with a friend.  Our older son spent last night with us as he's doing research our way.  We had a nice chat this morning.

Yesterday we talked to our granddaughter, whose birthday it was.  She seemed very focused on her birthday cake from her party the day before, and was sucking on a lollipop from the party.  We talked mostly with our new 10 year old grandson, who wondered if we had an IPhone.  He's right, we could have done a video call if we had one.  Pretty soon I'll have to break down for that alone, I suppose.  It's a lively household there now with three kids instead of one.  All talkers, by the way.  I can relate to that. 

So today is an absolute summer day, and almost hot already, and I'm in flip flop mode.  It feels great.

old Age Day by Day April 22, 2013

Today is Earth Day and my granddaughter's birthday.  She's five.  It's hard not being with her on her special day, but I'm sure she's having a little celebration at preschool and has had or will have a birthday party.  We sang Happy Birthday over our daughter's phone so she could play it for her. 

Today we're getting some pots and attempting to spruce up the back yard with new plants.  This depends on the dogs not developing a new project of digging up pots.  We are at their mercy.

After last week's horrendous events, this week I hope will be peaceful and healing.  Quiet.  I hope everyone on the planet connects with some other person in a positive way.  I hope many send healing prayers to Boston and Texas and China and Syria and every other sore spot on the globe.  I know we are capable of doing better with each other. 

Old Age Day by Day April 21, 2013

I listened to a very timely dharma talk this morning, at least timely for me.  He was talking about feeling lost in a desert looking for home, or being a fish in the sea who is dying of thirst.  If you will stop, turn inside and look, all you are seeking is there.  But we don't look.  I think I've stopped and am feeling that lostness, yet know all I seek is right here.  I'm feeling stuck, but know my situation is a delusion, and I know where to look and what I will find.  I keep getting glimmers of it, or insights, and then I forget.  I'm stuck on the point that I can't quite yet believe I am a buddha.  I feel undeserving, though I know full well it's not a matter of deserving or not, it is reality, the truth.  Everyone has this essential nature.  I see it more easily in others.  I have trouble finding it inside me, though I've taken actions that I had no idea I had the capacity to enact.  It comes from somewhere, and I can often roll with it and feel proud after.  Why are we so hard on ourselves?  Yes, there is environment and the judgment in the culture, but what gets us from loving ourselves and feeling joyous about it, as you see with small children, to hurting ourselves and diving back in to the circle of suffering?  We seem to have to relearn what we're born with over and over again.  We can't think it, we must feel it.  The child doesn't think, she feels.  She loves the worm, the raindrop, her own toes.  Everyone is an extension of her.  She doesn't feel this existential separateness.  And then we forget our greatest wisdom. our greatest treasure and resource.  Life is strange and wonderous. 

Old Age Day by Day April 20, 2013

I'm going out to the reservoir with my husband this morning to walk the dogs.  It's beautiful and warm, and though my exercise video is good for me, and think I need the fresh air.  I think everyone felt a bit on lock down yesterday, holding our breath, praying no more people would be hurt.  We can go out again and let the officials take over from here.  What a week!  And my friend was saying that historically a lot of bad events have happened in April.  I'd never thought of that before.  Strange days. 

This afternoon we're going with friends to see the Jackie Robinson movie.  I've never seen any depiction, so I'm curious.  I know my Dad met him and was thrilled.  He was a hero.  I'm ready to be inspired.  A good antidote to violent, confused kids doing harm.

Old Age Day by Day April 19, 2013

We had a nice dinner with our older son last night talking baseball.  Then my husband turned on the news and there was the Boston shootout and more on the fertilizer plant in Texas.  It's a hard slog to be upbeat these days.  And the Boston horror seems to have been boys really, a teenager and a brother recently out of his teens.  Is it video games?  Is it what they experienced in Russia?  No one will ever really know.  What we know is a level of detachment that is terrifying.  And our culture is more and more a game, a series of chess moves with people not even in the room. 

I will try to make this day not about their world view but mine.  People need human interaction and guidance.  They cannot function as independent units.  Texting is not satisfying.  Facebook is not friendship, not when it can cause young people to kill themselves.  Stop buying the branding and buzz words and facade.  Go deep.  Stick around for mistakes and getting your feelings hurt and the pain of interacting.  Because the alternative is zombiedom for real.

Old Age Day by Day April 18, 2013

My granddaughter and I had a fun time at the museum.  We did a lot of hands-on activities, like sound effects for a movie, costume design, animation design, musical instruments, and other stuff.  She had a half a hot dog, chips, a brownie and strawberry lemonade, and we watched the koi in the pond and two mallard interlopers.  Then we came home and played with marbles and had a game of Hearts.  She squeezed in practicing the piano as well.  Seven is a great age, and I treasure these days. 

Tonight our older son comes for dinner.  We don't see him much, so it's a treat.  I'm going out this afternoon to get something special to cook.  Some kind of fish or seafood would be good.

The world is a strange, unknown place, and full of violence.  Our individual lives seldom intersect with this larger picture, but I'm aware of it, the suffering, even as I feel gratitude for my uneventful life.  Perhaps the biggest sadness this morning was seeing in how many states senators voted against the gun bill.  I'm glad to say I don't live in one of those states, but it's the majority of the country.  What are these people thinking?  There is so much we cannot prevent, why not do all we can?  Do no harm.  Do these people never look into their own hearts?

Old Age Day by Day April 17, 2013

We tried to watch "The Snows of Kilamejaro" last night, but it was too awful.  Macho Hemingway and pretentious.  Lots of shooting of wildlife.  Then we tried "The Last Time I Saw Paris", with Van Johnson and Elizabeth Taylor and it was pretty good.  Van Johnson was terrific.  These films come out of a two DVD set of 15 films, none of which I'd ever seen except for Jose Ferrer's Cyrano D'Bejerac".  So there's a "David Copperfield" with every great British actor of the time, and a few others that could be worth watching.  Boy was Elizabeth Taylor gorgeous.  She was 22 in this movie, and really did a believable job.  Walter Pigeon was her father, Donna Reed her sister.  And then there are the shots of Paris.  Always pleasant.

So today I think I'm taking my granddaughter to the museum.  There are hands-on exhibits she likes there and we haven't been in a long time.  Its a beautiful day and warmer.  We can wander the sculpture gardens.

Old Age Day by Day April 16, 2013

I couldn't sleep last night.  I had no dreams about the terrorism in Boston, but I was unsettled, deeply disturbed, as were so many.  Our younger son has friends there and checked immediately.  They were okay.  Children were hurt again, as in Newtown.  The whole senseless vile mind of a person who plans this kind of thing is so random, frightening and is impossible to prevent.  Our media is saturated by events across the globe.  We see these and they become the norm or worse still, seductive to certain people.  It's an endless cycle spun out of control.  I am very sad.

I also have been disturbed about the young woman who hanged herself after she was raped while unconscious and photos of her shared online.  The evil of young men like that, and their friends, is as destructive as terrorism.  To use her as a prank and toy, and brag about the abuse shows a lack of respect for other human beings. 

Neither kind of person can see others as having feelings or rights.  It chills me to the bone.

Old Age Day by Day April 15, 2013

Maria Tallchief died.  She was part of a group of Oklahoma ballerinas called the Oklahoma Indian ballerinas.  Her father was Osage and her mother Scottish.  She rose to the highest ranks and danced Stravinsky's Firebird, choreographed for her.  She was even married to Balanchine.  I'd like to read a biography of her sometime.  What a movie her life would make!

It is cold today.  I'm wearing a wool sweater.  The weather makes my knees and toes and other worn out parts ache.  I think it's a good day for a movie, if I can find one I want to see.  In the meantime, I'll continue reading a Bill Bryson book that is quite funny, about Iowa, where he grew up and other small midwest towns. 

Old Age Day by Day April 114, 2013

The dharma talk this morning was on accepting our human limitations.  That includes death.  And after I got back my husband and I went out to lunch with our younger daughter and her boyfriend, and there were human limitations.  Our waitress forgot about us, served us rancid chips, brought our lunch which clearly had been waiting for her to pick up for twenty minutes and tasted awful, and we were forced to acknowledge her limitations as a waitress by tipping less than we would have.  Oh, right, that's not what Anam Thubten meant.  My limitations were reached, too, that's for sure.  Another in an endless lesson on patience. 

Our teacher said that fear is the biggest hindrance to awareness.  And our fear of death is our foremost fear.  If we could embrace life, and not get hung up on the birth and death thing, just understand that life is continuous and we are a part of that beginningless, endless dynamic, then we could live with the world as it is and our lives as they are.  I like the sound of that.  And for very brief moments I can feel it in my heart.

I had a good talk with the man sitting next to me during meditation.  Well, not during, but before.  He's lived in a ashram, and has had many teachers and was fascinating to talk to.  He has the same first name as my dad.  And for some reason I thought of my brother, as if this guy was a stand in for my silent frere.  There was some synchronicity.  I'm open to that right now.  I can't talk to my brother, but I can talk to this man, and listening to him, I saw what he wasn't saying, about addiction and feeling lost and searching for meaning.  I was able to be compassionate and open.  It's a strange, wonderful world.

Old Age Day by Day April 13, 2013

Well, the baseball game was terrific last night.  Close and exciting and the A's won in the bottom of the 12th with a homer.  4-3.  We were thrilled, even though we'd gotten very cold sitting there.  We had great seats which a friend of my friend had given us, so that made last night all the more special.  I'm a bit tired this morning from staying up late, but it was worth it.  Nine in a row.  Nice!

We brought sandwiches from a deli, so we even ate pretty well.  And it was too cold for much beer.  So we're relatively healthy from the experience, as well.  Maybe a few peanuts and a 72% chocolate bar shared.  We agreed we all needed hot butter rum or Irish whiskey. 

Today I may see my granddaughter play softball.  I've got to check where the field is and whether she's going.  That way I'll continue my ballpark experience.

Old Age Day by Day April 12, 2013

We're going to an A's game tonight with friends.  They're on a winning streak, and I hope we don't spoil it.  I have my A's hat, tee shirt, sweatshirt and bag set out.  It's a beautiful day again, and I hope the evening will be balmy, but I can bring my A's blanket to be sure.  I'm looking forward to seeing the new movie about Jackie Robinson.  It got good reviews today.  Malick's film got a bad review in one paper and a good one in the other.  I'll probably see it, but I'm not too excited.  It sounds like it is not as good as "Tree of Life".  I also want to see "Disconnect" based on two great reviews.  But probably I won't tackle any of them until next week.

I finished "Life after Life" and it was so great it knocked the breath out of me.  I was stunned afterward.  It is a great book:  passionate, luscious details and description, characters you care about and a profoundity about this thing we call life.  It becomes a spiritual experience.  I can't recommend it enough.

We saw a DVD last night that was early Daniel Day-Lewis:  "How Many Miles to Babylon".  It was a lovely film.  It was great to see Day-Lewis in his beautiful youth.  It is part of a DVD set of three of his BBC films.  I hope the other two are as good.  Well, I'm done with my reviewing for the day. 

Old Age Day by Day April 11, 2013

My younger son and I went to hear Joyce Carol Oates read from her new book, "The Accursed".  She was quite wonderful.  She's 74, but looks much younger, due to her thinness and beautiful skin.  She was generous as always.  I've seen her before and also done a writing workshop with her twenty years ago.  We both went up to have our books signed after, and I told her I thought she was the American Dickens.  She was pleased.  She asked my son what he did for a living, and he said he moved around art.  It was great she was curious about him.  We felt very happy we'd gone to see her.

This morning I went to the eye doctor, a person I like a lot.  The eyes looked good.  I then picked out new glasses, as my prescription has changed twice without me getting glasses.  I got big red sunglasses and small inconspicuous regular glasses in a thin silver metal frame.  The reverse of what I have now:  turquoise out there glasses and modest green sunglasses.  Glasses are exciting, especially when you have to wear them all the time as I do.  Now I'm set for my daughter's wedding in June. 

Old Age Day by Day April 10, 2013

This is my friend's birthday.  And what a perfectly lovely day for her.  It's warm, sunny and the trees have new green leaves.  It's grand to think of people we love in the world with us, blessing our lives.

I'm reading a great new book by Kate Atkinson, a Scottish novelist.  It's "Life after Life" and it is scary, but scary strange at first.  The writing is so luscious you drift into the world she creates, then things get a bit weird.  It's kind of a time travel book, but subtly, so you think maybe the heroine is deluded or you are missing something as a reader.  And by the middle of the book you care so much for her and really bad things start to happen to her and your sense of her family and others shifts as well.  I couldn't stop thinking about it last night.  It also has a profound philosophical side to it. 

Yesterday I sewed a few things:  baby blankets, a bedspread for one granddaughter, a puppy blanket for the other, a table runner for my friend and one for myself.  I'm almost done with the stack of fabric by the sewing machine.  Once I get going, I feel wonderful sewing.  But I have to get in the mood.  And be motivated.  The baby was born early and my granddaughter's birthday is this month, so those are motivators.  I sent the gifts off yesterday.  Relief. 

Old Age Day by Day April 9, 2013

I saw a house for sale with our younger son last night.  I hope this is the one.  He's going to make an offer, but the market is crazy here, with multiple offers over asking prices.  It's hard emotionally, because you imagine yourself in the house, what you'd change, how your furniture would fit, who would the neighbors be, then it all dissolves and you're back to square one.  I've never had this problem.  We've only owned four houses, and we made an offer on each which was accepted.  End of story.  Now, with the second house, I wish our offer had been refused, as it would have saved us some grief, but anyhow, I didn't have to do that mental adjusting our son is going through.  Well, we'll see.  There is always another house out there, it's just that it takes tremendous energy to make the bid and wait and see. 

Today's weather is beautiful.  I'm going to call the gardener and find out if he's ever coming over.  He avoided us, rightly so, during the roofing, but now he seems to have disappeared for good.  Oh, dear.  We had a wind storm last weekend and a lot has blown down from the trees.  It's a good time to come.

Old Age Day by Day April 8, 2013

Our younger daughter had her new IPhone stolen Saturday night.  They were slick about it.  They took it out of her purse which she was wearing.  She was upset naturally.  It feels like a violation.  I wasn't much help, as I was weeping when I came back from meditation.  I couldn't stop crying.  The same thing happened on Friday.  Either I have some hormonal shift or I'm going through some emotional changes.  I know I feel like I want to DO SOMETHING.  I just don't yet know what.  I am going to volunteer at the Buddhist temple.  I maybe need to go up to the cabin.  Get away.  I'm working through something.  It could be old sadness just resurfacing.  I'll know in time.  But it was a strange sensation not to be able to control the weeping.  I could have filled a lake with my tears.

One of the things that is happening with me is I'm feeling the feelings instead of trying to control them.  I'm hanging in with the storm.  After all, sadness doesn't wash me away, it just shakes me up a bit and then passes.  Everything changes.  I've always found that Buddhist principle comforting instead of terrifying.  Fear passes, sadness passes, directionlessness passes.  As do joy, laughter and contentment.  We're moving, alive, throbbing, full of light and energy, until we don't.  It's a blessing.

I called my best friend yesterday afternoon, and she had me laughing.  She KNOWS what I'm talking about and struggling with, and she helps ground me.  She is a blessing.

Old Age Day by Day April 7, 2013

April is a month of birthdays for our family.  My brother's birthday is the same day as my husband's mother's birthday.  His sister and my mother also have/had birthdays this month, and now our granddaughter does as well.  On Earth Day, a nice touch.  April seems like the essence of renewal to me.  And our weather is alternating between warm sunshine and spring rain, allowing the plants to perk up and blossom and deepen their shades of green.  The birds sound happy as well, and hearing them is a blessing.  We do no bird feeders, out of habit, maybe, because we had two cats for so many years, but we also had a birdfeeder with seed that got bad, and we worry about poisoning the birds.  The feeders would just encourage the squirrels, which are already abundant and totally at home in our yard.  And our birdhouses seem to have never been used.  We have no idea what plants attract birds, yet something, perhaps our many trees, keep them happy.  We have two bird baths in front, but they don't seem to be used either.  So grooming takes place elsewhere as well. 

I'm about to go to meditation, but I'll keep the bird songs in my ears. 

Old Age Day by Day April 6, 2013

It was 100% humidity all day yesterday.  We don't get that here.  It felt like rain, but it never did.  At least we did get a bit of rain this week, and supposedly will get some today or tomorrow.  The garden looks so much better right now.  It inspires me to work on it.  Or at least think about working on it.

I had lunch with a friend, at an Indian cafe, and indulged in chicken vindaloo with naan, my favorite.  Then we went to two shops on the other side of town, and looked at scarves and jewelry.  The one store had a 20% sale, which we lucked into, and we came home with colorful, cheerful scarves.  I love to happen upon things.  When I deliberately go to a sale, I have no luck.  And actually, I had to be flexible this time.  I wanted to see the one shop because my friend had found a wonderful stitched scarf from India there.  Those were of course all gone when I came, but I found some different scarves that I could see myself wearing.  I am five feet tall, so most scarves look like bed sheets on me, and I have no neck, so draping something around is tricky.  If I'm not careful, I find myself eating the scarf.  It's challenging for me to think scarf.  But yesterday I found one to go with my outfit for the wedding.  Scarves are a level of dressing that I don't get to normally.  I'm done after picking out earrings.  Never get to necklaces, bracelets or scarves.  It becomes too much effort, too much thinking.  But occasionally I try.  If there is something where I want to look extra nice, I figure it out the night before.  That helps.  And when I travel, I put things together a few days before I leave, add scarves and jewelry, and then am more likely to put it all on when I'm on the trip.  But basically, I'm your ten minute gal.  That includes brushing teeth, taking medicine, sunscreen, lip gloss, dress and plunk on the watch.  Elegance is not achieved by such means.

Old Age Day by Day April 5, 2013

Today is my brother's birthday.  He is 65.  I haven't spoken with him for thirteen years.  His choice.  I sent a birthday card, as always.  I know he is okay, because a couple of times a year he sends me a card, and when I send one to him it doesn't get returned.  He's had a hard life.  He was an alcoholic at sixteen and a non-function drunk until his mid thirties.  He was married once for less than a year, but as far as I know has not lived with a woman or married or had kids.  He's sober, as far as I know.  I understand that every day when he gets up he has to decide not to drink all over again.  I hope he has friends and fun times and a meaningful life.  He lives a long way away, and wants it that way.  I respect his choice to be unavailable, partially because he was always unavailable, secretive and unknowable.  I'm transparent, he's opaque.  When I think of him now I wish him well but feel nothing.  To me that is tragic.  I have no other siblings. 

He's taught me that thinking you can know another completely is a delusion.  I make great efforts to know myself, and am mostly unsuccessful.  He's taught me that life is complex, and different people need different lives to survive.  I don't judge him.  He's taught me that love must be worked at or it dissolves.  Relationship takes great effort.  He's taught me that I am my own protector.  And what protection means is individual.  He's taught me that knowing the one you love is safe in the world is enough.  You really can't ask for more.

Old Age Day by Day April 4, 2013

It's raining today, but we need it so badly that I'm cheerful enough.  We took one of our cars in this morning for service and the other goes in tomorrow.  There is satisfaction in doing these maintenance jobs and checking them off.  I talked to my granddaughter briefly last night, as she was stuffing a chocolate bunny into her mouth.  Her raptures over chocolate caused her to lose her focus, but she seems happy.  For her, house with two stepbrothers and a stepdad is a nice full family again.  When her daddy left there was diminishment, now life is busy and interesting.  She has her Dad and her Mom and a whole bunch of interesting new interactions.  And she is the complete social being, so it's got to feel good.  Plans are apace over the wedding in June.  We have our place with our younger two kids, we know the dates.  We are stopping at Costco for beverages for the reception/dinner.   Other plans are afoot, and our daughter is searching for her dress as we speak.  I'm relieved I already bought a simple tank dress and sweater shrug.  I'm set.  I can wear whatever shoes, scarf and jewelry when I know the colors.  I am not going to obsess about my outfit.  Or hair.  Or weight. 

I'm reading a book by Po Bronson about interviews with people seeking out what meaningful work to do in their lives.  You'd think I'd be too old to be interested, but I'm not, and it has caused me to reflect on my own choices and also meditate on what I might do next.  Not a job, but volunteering in one of the areas I'm passionate about.  And the people are interesting.  Their lives are complex and messy and yet they are all wanting work that is valuable and safe and makes sense for their circumstances.  Some switch careers many times, some not at all, others go back and pursue a dream from youth.  Some even begin their careers at retirement age.  It reminds me we are all different, and there are no formulas to a happy life.  It's trial and error and unique for each individual.

Old Age Day by Day April 3, 2013

I finished watching "Kind Hearted Woman" last night, staying up until midnight to do so.  My husband watched with me.  It's a touching look at one woman's struggles to reclaim her life and get past her childhood.  Her courage and determination is amazing to see.  It's hard to know what "honesty" is in a documentary like this, but a lot of it feels pretty transparent, and their willingness to be exposed both hindered and helped her build her life, I'm sure.  It's inspiring.

Otherwise I didn't do much yesterday, other than get groceries then realize I forgot salad stuff, so I had to ask my husband to walk down to our nearby grocery for those things.  We had lentil soup, and it was tasty.  I haven't made it in a while.  Adding tomato paste really singed it up.

My modem is still acting up, but I'm waiting to see if I need to buy a new one or something else is going on.  Patience.  The roofing foreman came by yesterday and moved our TV antenna a bit, then noticed some stuff not finished up on the roof, so we're not ready for inspection.  Patience.  Things will get done when they get done, or look like they are.  With the house, it's just a process.  The paint is always chipping, the cracks spreading, the floors getting scratched, the windows need cleaning.  Nothing is ever DONE.  I get that.

Old Age Day by Day April 2 2013

Well, my modem is acting up, but I'm going to try this anyway, since I've been gone for a few days for our 39th wedding anniversary, and I need to get back in my routine.  We had a great time.  We were staying just four hours away, but it felt farther, and our weather was good.  We had some nice meals and a terrific room, and saw some sights and did some walking.  The second day we walked around a small lake at this park nearby where we were staying, and watched many people casting on the grass.  There were fly fishing instructors, and there were hoops and targets for the students.  It was mighty strange, to see the lines waving and dipping in the air, and not a drop of water around.

Another strange thing was a group of people yelling late at night, pounding on the door next to ours, screaming at someone inside.  We could hear every word, and finally my husband called the front desk and they sent some guy to talk these people down.  We'd seen them having drinks at the pool a few hours earlier, so I believe they were smashed and their language was even worse than at the pool.  The hotel guy asked for their IDs and finally got them to shut up.  We were staying at a very upscale place, but might as well have been at a dive somewhere.  But by midnight we'd gotten to sleep, so it was no biggie.

So I've done my laundry, gone to the grocery store, read old newspapers, picked up the dogs and am back to my ordinary life.  For which I am very, very grateful.