Old Age Day by Day May 31, 2013

Oh, my goodness, it's the last day of May!  My jury duty finished last night, so I'm free!  Now to get all prepared for the wedding and visits of my cousin and his wife and our older two kids' half brother.  We leave a week from Monday.  Jury duty is exhausting and so difficult, since you know you don't have all the evidence and really none of the history of the individual, and your decision is going to affect another's life in a major way.  I don't like sitting in judgment on someone else.  But following the law and the judge's instructions, we found the defendant guilty on both counts.    Now we have to live with that, and realize that there but for the grace of god go I.  I was so impressed with the court, the judge, and my fellow jurors, who were well educated, intelligent, and sane, pleasant, respectful people.  They gave it their all.  We did our best.

It's supposed to be super warm this weekend, and I hope to be out to enjoy it.  It sure beats a courtroom with no windows, and a jury room that feels like a closet!

Old Age Day by Day May 27, 2013

We've had a very nice long weekend so far.  There was a delightful citizenship party on Saturday, and we saw some friends we hadn't seen in quite a while, and the weather was good enough to be outside the whole afternoon.  Sunday night we had dinner at friends.  Great conversation and food, and at the end we went outside and saw the triangular alignment of Jupiter, Venus and Mercury crystal clear and seemingly very near in the night sky.  Today it's a bit of sweeping, and relaxing.

My big goal today is to buy lipstick, as I lost my favorite tube last week.  That is the only cosmetic I wear, but psychologically, I need it.

We were also happy to hear our daughter-in-law has a teaching job in a 5th grade classroom for next year.  All round, a lovely weekend.

Old Age Day by Day May 25, 2013

Today is a party for a friend who has just become a citizen, after living in this country for many years.  I'm happy for her, and it marks a big transition for her beyond citizenship, as her mother just died, and though she still has family in her home country, her husband and grown kids are firmly rooted here.  What a rich life she's had, with different cultures and languages expanding her world.  And that multiplicity has enriched all of her friends as well.  It's a great reason for a celebration.

I'm kind of relieved to be at home instead of the cabin.  On the one hand, I like to help "officially" open the summer season, on the other hand, the traffic going up and back and the sudden crowdedness of a place that has been quiet for nine months is disconcerting.  I'll be up soon, but maybe not until after our daughter's wedding, at the rate I am going.

Memorial day seems especially poignant this year, with the bombings, attacks, tornados and other shocking violence.  Death does not always come gently, as we've seen.  It takes in the wrong order, and brutally, and without reason. 

Old Age Day by Day May 24, 2013

Well, my lucky earrings didn't help with jury duty.  Neither did claiming hardship because of my daughter's upcoming wedding.  I still don't know if I'm on the jury, as they didn't finish selecting, and the judge canceled today and we have to come back Tuesday morning.  I should know sometime that day if I'm selected.  If I am, it's a DUI and should take four or five days.  I can handle it, I'd just rather not, but then that's true of everybody.  I liked the judge, and the panel, those I talked to, are intelligent and decent, so it's not so bad.  There is no victim or accident, so that is less stressful.  I can do this.  I have my biases, but everybody does, and I will make a full effort to overcome them.  And hey, I'll make a whopping $9 a day!

I was so exhausted when I got home, because listening to all the instructions and the multitude of questions brings up so much.  Being in court brings up my divorce and my time in the DA's office in Victim Assistance, plus being subpeoned when I worked in safehouses.  A lot of water under the bridge.  I've had bad experiences with police officers and courts and good experiences.  I'm skeptical and not trusting, but yesterday, I thought that it was a pretty good group of jurors.  I believed that they would try hard to be fair.  Yesterday it seemed like a pretty decent system of justice.

Now I have four days to do other things, and I'll make the most of them.  A party, a dinner, a movie and my granddaughter's play.  All joyous events. 

Old Age Day by Day May 22, 2013

I'm still waiting to go in to the courthouse and get my dismissal from jury duty.  What a pain.  I thought I'd get there sooner.  I'm going to try to talk to them on the phone today.  I'm so sick of being on call.  I know that makes me a crummy citizen, but it is so.
I'm taking my granddaughter to shop for a dress for her piano recital.  She is growing up so fast, and again wants me to drop her home early so she can play with the girls across the street.  I may just ease out of this arrangement for the rest of this school year, and see her only occasionally, for something special like a movie.  Her world is so happily and fully populated, and her need for me so much less, with all her new family. 
Yesterday I sprayed the outdoor furniture, and my spray finger went numb for a couple of hours.  I tried to write and couldn't, it was so shaky.  But I'm glad of completing that little task.  It's satisfying.  I'll see what deeds I can get done today.

Old Age Day by Day May 21m 2013

I don't watch TV, so I woke up this morning to the newspapers and the devastation in Oklahoma City.  I cannot even imagine being in the middle of such a storm.  My family is from the midwest, so I had my time in basements and storm shelters, but that was a long time ago now.  I heard stories from relatives and especially vivid was my grandmother telling of the time a tornado hit the state fair and her seeing a ferris wheel flung across the sky with people still in the seats.  When we see what nature can do, why is it that we add to our suffering by deliberate acts of violence?  There is enough randomness in the world that we need not mirror it in our behavior.  But, of course, such acts are not rational, they are deformed minds bringing down others with them. 

I pray that more people alive are found, that those who survived are comforted and sheltered, and that they have the courage to rebuild their lives.

Old Age Day by Day May 20, 2013

I've returned home from my little overnight trip.  I had a great time seeing my daughter-in-law's concert, having Indian food out, talking and watching an Indian movie with Shakur Khan.  This morning we went out for breakfast before I left.  It was a good outing, but I stayed up until midnight and didn't get to sleep right away, so I didn't call the courthouse at 10:30 am.  I'll call this afternoon at 3:30.  It's warm and beautiful and I may take a nap and then have a walk after.  I hope my husband is having as good a time at the cabin as I am here. 

Old Age Day by Day May 19, 2013

Today is our younger daughter's boyfriend's birthday.  And a lovely day it is.  They are having a barbeque this afternoon with friends.  After meditation I'm going up to visit my older son and his wife, so I'm having a little get-away.  It will be gorgeous up there, I'm sure.  I'll hear music, eat out and spend the night.  My husband is up at our cabin with the dogs, and it's nice up there as well.  He had a scary moment yesterday driving up, where there was almost a ten car collision involving a motorcyclist as well.  He was shaken when he called.  And then I was disturbed, thinking about the close call and how it can be a direct call at any time.  We do not know how we may be parted or when.  It's important to keep current and connected. 

Old Age Day by Day May 18, 2013

We had a lovely birthday dinner last night, with fabulous food and service.  I'm grateful for the weekend now, and my study group and little trip tomorrow to see my daughter-in-law's chorus concert and spend the night with them.  A baby get-away is just the ticket.  Next week I'll be back persuing the jury thing, calling until I can show up and hopefully be excused.  Talk about bad timing.

I read a short little fiction book yesterday, Julian Barnes "A Sense of an Ending" which was old fashioned in a Henry James way.  Just good story where the emphasis is on psychological twists, and the consciousness and guilt of an extremely ordinary man, who through one unguarded act, harms others beyond his imagining.  It was fun, and won the Man Booker Prize.  Now I'm reading "Yellow Birds" about soldiers in Iraq, which won the Pulitzer Prize. 

Old Age Day by Day May 17, 2013

Yesterday was not one I'd want to repeat anytime soon.  I found out I have to keep calling twice a day until I can get in with another group for jury duty, since I'll be away when I'm supposed to show up.  I missed my therapy appointment by showing up late when I thought I was early.  I had something sharp in my scalp in my hair that my husband had to pull out with tweezers.  I walked with a friend who was having a scan yesterday afternoon for bladder cancer.  She also told me of a mutual friend who is dying and in hospice after suffering a major stroke. 

We watched "Dante's Peak" last night, about a volcano that wipes out a town, and it seemed perfect for my mood.

Today I'm hoping to keep calling and hopefully go in early next week for this jury thing.  What bad timing for me. 

But today we are going out for dinner to celebrate our younger daughter's boyfriend's birthday, and I'm looking forward to that event.  They've been together four years now, and he feels like part of the family.  We've grown to love him, and appreciate his good nature, hard work and intelligence.  He makes our daughter happy.  What more could you ask?

Old Age Day by Day May 16, 2013

I received a Jury Summons yesterday for the week we'll be away for the wedding.  I've already postponed once so who knows what will happen.  I'm going to try to change it today.  One month until the wedding, which means a lot to do and people to see and not much impulse to do my civic duty, when I'm supposed to be in another state.

I finished my economics book and am now reading one about how the universe was created out of nothing.  This is not normally a topic of interest for me, but I am curious about the various arguments about this.  I think the world beyond us is also beyond time concepts and especially beyond "Whys".  It just is.  We are owed no explanation, and our job is not to waste time analyzing our situation, but living our brief lives with awareness and gratitude.  Perhaps this book will change my mind.

Old Age Day by Day May 15, 2013

I'm still reading my economics book and finding it so very interesting.  It's not surprising that our first "thinking", intuitive as it is, hardly makes for rational choices, and is so complex and feels so right that our "slow" thinking feels like too much effort.  Our minds are very emotional, and filled with prejudices and old history and delusions we have perpetuated over the years.  Also, the media and much of our culture encourages fast, decisive choices and the look of confidence over substantive, carefully considered information.  Many of us like "The Decider" over the thoughtful person.  He or she is more exciting.

I just love all this brain research, and it seems to reveal a fundamental Buddhist truth:  it takes time and great effort to get past the smoke screen of delusion and propaganda with which we are bombarded.  Seeing cause and effect is crucial.  Not being pressured into an action until we've had a chance to acknowledge our patterns and preconceptions is so important.  We live in a speedy culture which prizes instant tweets and snappy, sitcom comebacks.  Thinking things over and getting back to people later is considered wimpy.  No wonder even our highest leaders trivialize big, complex issues.

"Thinking, Fast and Slow" is a revolutionary book.   If you are thinking of investing or just living more intelligently on this planet, it's a great read.

Old Age Day by Day May 14, 2013

Another beautiful day, and I aim to take advantage of it.  Yesterday I had a nice walk to the post office, where the clerk is friendly and helpful.  I've never seen him unflappable.  In the afternoon I had my teeth cleaned, which is not my favorite activity, but they were also friendly.  What a concept, after the last dentist, who seemed to find his work frustrating and his patients an inconvenience. 

I'm still reading my economics book, and it continues to be fascinating.  I'm learning a huge amount about how we think and make decisions.  And there is so much research, who knew? 

Last night we watched The Boys from Brazil, which holds up beautifully after all these years.  Laurence Olivier, Gregory Peck, James Mason, Bruno Ganz and a host of character actors do a great job.  It's still scary, and still plausible.  The music is excellent, and the cinemotography creative.  My husband had a dream about it after, but I blithely dreamed of a Buddhist retreat with my teacher, and serving yogurt to everyone there.  It was kind of like the loaves and fishes from the New Testament, because one cherry yogurt and one and a half pints of plain managed to feed the whole table.  Make of that what you will.

Old Age Day by Day May 13m 2013

Well, despite all my efforts to screw up Mother's Day, I had a great day.  I began by going to meditation and Anam Thubten's dharma talk.  He was focusing on the preciousness of life.  Lovely.  Then I got home and some of the kids came, we made sandwiches and ate then took the dogs on a walk in the hills.  It was hot for our dogs, but they were very happy to be out and our female dog talked to everyone we crossed paths with.  Then we came home, our older son and daughter-in-law arrived, as did my good friend, and it was warm enough to sit outside and have beers and chips and then the kids barbequed an amazing salmon, with quinoa and salad Nicoise, and we had fruit salad and lemon cheesecake my friend had brought.  I never had to put on a sweater and it was so relaxing.  After everyone else had left, our younger son and my husband and I sat in the kitchen and talked some more.  It was perfect.

At the very end of the day I called my best friend, and checked on her day and we promised to talk more later.  Then I went to bed, a happy mom.

Old Age Day by Day May 11, 2013

Today we're going to be gardeners again and sweep up a bit.  It will be good for us.  The weather is perfect so that means incentive to be outside.  I've never been comfortable with people doing my work, so I've never had a housekeeper or window cleaner or gardener until moving here.  I can go back to taking care of these things at least.  I know I need an electrician and plumber and all the big stuff. 

I had fun yesterday shopping with my friends.  And as I told them, discovering looking was more than enough.  I didn't really want anything.  I ended up buying a little sundress for my granddaughter, a pair of turquoise flats to match a dress, and two tubes of hand cream.  But I didn't feel drawn to even the stuff that was high end and quality made.  Who needs it?  I love seeing the colors and textures and arrangement of things.  But they are things.  The best part of yesterday was being with friends and getting a lot of exercise walking. 

Old Age Day by Day May 10, 2013

A dreary morning, but hopefully, like yesterday, it will warm up in the afternoon and get sunny.  I'm going out to lunch with two friends, and look forward to the outing.  Yesterday my granddaughter and I kind of flopped.  We watched the "Swan Princess" and she snacked her way to fullness in preparation for her softball practice.  I had tried to get her started on a project for her mom, but really, in the end, I made the bouquet and arranged tissue and ribbon.  Some days are like that after school.  When I have her on Wednesdays, it's a short day and she has more time and energy.  But I was at the cabin this week on that day, so I moved it.  Well, not every time is quality time.  She has a busy life and schedule.  Flopping is not so bad.

It's getting close to mother's day, memorial day, and our daughter's wedding.  The week before we go my cousin is coming out for his brother-in-law's birthday, so we'll get to see them for a lunch or dinner.  I haven't seen him in a few years, so am looking forward to the visit.  Lots of future events to enjoy, and summer coming.  Goodie!

Old Age Day by Day May 9, 2013

We returned last night from the cabin.  The weather up there was a steady drizzle, but we managed to walk the dogs and get the stuff done on the decks.  We lugged everything up, and my husband assembled the two tables one day, then the next we took down the huge picnic table, which is now in boards as a walkway to the laundry room under the cabin.  Both sets look great, but we were not able to sit out in them and the tables are now covered with tarps and the chairs and umbrellas inside.  We did sheets and towels, cleaned out the refrigerator, and reorganized.  We played a lot of Scrabble and read by the fire.  We listened to music.  When we are up at the cabin we are totally disconnected:  no computers, the cell phone doesn't work, no TV.  It's a welcome break.

The weather here is overcast and chilly as well, but no drizzle.  I have to figure out something to do with my granddaughter this afternoon.  Perhaps a quick trip to a nursery and making a bouquet for her mom.  She loves doing that. 

Old Age Day by Day May 6, 2013

We're off to the cabin today to bring up our new deck tables and chairs.  I'm going to my eye doctor, then we load up.  The weather is moody again, and I expect to see sun, heat, rain and clouds on the drive.  I met and talked with two neighbors while walking the dogs, and I love those casual interactions.  My knee was bothering me all night, so I felt I needed to exercise before sitting at the doctor's office and in the car all day.

I'm looking forward to seeing the lake up again, and looking for wildflowers and spring cleaning.  Summer is coming, and quickly!

Old Age Day by Day May 5, 2013

Cinco de Mayo is quite moody, weatherwise.  Sprinkles, some thunder, clouds, sun then back again.  I cheered myself up last night reading David Sedaris' new book of essays.  He's amazing.  One minute I'm laughing so hard I can't stop, the next he's pierced me to the heart with sadness, and in between is so much recognition about myself and the goofy, screwed up state of the human race.  He's a genius.  His honesty gets the rest of us admitting feelings and prejudices and petty cruelties we'd never own without his fearless leadership.  It is a brighter, more wonderful world with him in it.

Last night someone tried to break into our garage again, only the metal plate kept the person from getting the door open.  It's disconcerting.  We didn't hear a thing.  My husband talked to a policeman this morning, who spent half an hour scaring him about the crime rate and needing motion detectors, a steel door, a gatling gun and armor plating.  What happened to reassuring?  And what were they after?  Were they trying to steal a car?  Did they want two huge iguana cages or our son's electric train set?  Perhaps the dried up cans of paint and a broken bureau and cedar chest?  If they'd left the cars I would have been happy to help them load up the contents of the garage.  I've been meaning to pay someone to haul it to the dump for ages.  And while they were at it, they could have stolen the resin white table, four chairs and chaise lounge on the roof of the garage.  It's indestructable, I'll vouch for that, and so ugly it could win a contest. 

Well, I'm grateful they didn't try to get in our house, or damage the car parked next to the garage.  This time they didn't try to steal the catalytic converter for the lithium or whatever metal it is they like.  And inside the car was the new deck furniture for the cabin, but thank goodness for tinted windows.  We were lucky.

Old Age Day by Day May 4, 2013

I am having meltdowns lately.  I had another crying jag yesterday and one the day before.  I canceled plans for Mother's Day.  My first plan didn't work because there was a big event at the place we were going to.  Luckily, I have great kids who figured out what to do.  We're going to keep it simple.  A hike and a BBQ.  I don't why I'm feeling so overwhelmed lately.  I'm seeing my therapist once a week to try to figure it out.  There's just a lot of sadness and fatigue.  I'm such a chipper person normally that I'm shocked at myself.  It may be partly to do with my thyroid.  Maybe something is  off and my medication needs adjusting.  And maybe I'm feeling a lot of sadness that I was unable to feel at various points in my life.  Maybe I'm going through a huge change.  Only time will tell.

Today I'm going to watch my granddaughter play softball with her team.  I'm been meaning to go, but if I don't go today there are only a couple of games left.   I played softball as a kid, and loved it.  It should be fun to see her.

Yesterday we got really, really cheap furniture for our deck at the cabin.  One set was a table, four chairs and umbrella for a hundred dollars.  I hope this stuff holds up, but it looks pretty sturdy, and if it doesn't, I guess we'll try something else.  Our goal is to disassemble our falling apart picnic table before it hurts someone.  And have tables that we are able to move around, and chairs that stack.  So we got two small tables, that we can handle without help, and mostly the one with four chairs will be enough.  The other can be for games and cards.  And they can go under the deck in the winter.  The picnic table has served us well, first in the cabin then on the deck, and twelve or more people have squeezed around it at times, but now we're usually up alone, and when the kids come they don't even have that many people, so it's time to change.  Ahhh, a real chair instead of a splintery bench.  

Old Age Day by Day May 3, 2013

Another day in paradise.  Summer prevails.  We're going to look for a table for our deck at the cabin, and new sprinkler heads and all kinds of outdoorsy stuff like that.  We're in a drought, so watering is going to be necessary, if we're to keep our plants alive.  Everything looks pretty dry now.  Ironically, we spring for a new roof in the year when there is no rain to cause leaks.  Oh, well.  I had scrambled eggs wrapped in a tortilla this morning, so I can face anything. 

I'm about to do my exercise video, and I'm feeling good, because I have a new dentist and she's really competent and I feel so relieved.  She spent a lot of time with me yesterday, answering all questions and reassuring me.  Now if I can find a new gardener!

Old Age Day by Day May 1, 2013

May day, may day.  And it is as warm as it should be.  The spirits lift automatically with this weather.  I watched a terrific 1940s movie last night with Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy, directed by George Cukor.  "Keeper of the Flame" it's called.  Very dramatic, but so pertinent still, it's about a charismatic leader who is actually a fascist.  It was great fun to see.  Three thumbs up. 

I had a bracing discussion with our older son at breakfast.  I like it when he stays over for his work and we get to talk a bit.  We were of course discussing the A's, but then admired Jerry Brown, our fair governor.  Talk about pragmatism.  This guy knows how to get things done, and he has a vision as well.  Sigh.  Wish there were more politicians like him.  Maybe you have to be a Jesuit first.  It's a thought.

Now I'm off to walk to the post office, just for the air mainly.  But there are things to be mailed.  There usually are.