Old Age Day by Day October 31, 2013

Well, I set out yesterday to get some exercise, and decided to go with my husband to the reservoir to walk the dogs.  I did not change out of my dansko shoes, and sure enough, I fell on the uneven pavement.  I thought I could walk out the pain, but by the end of the almost 3 mile walk, I knew I needed ice, and badly.  After looking at my right foot after we returned, my husband thought I should call our doctor, so I got an appointment and lay in the sunroom for three hours with my foot up, icing it.  The doctor then looked at it, sent me for Xrays, and lo and behold, I fractured my fifth metatarsal bone.  I have to see a podiatrist, but no one answered, and we'll see if I get a call back, or end up waiting until next week.  Doctors these days often work only four days with big lunch breaks and close by 4 pm.  My foot feels okay just sitting, but I have to hobble a bit, and have had to cancel everything for the next couple of days.  I usually am so good at changing to the appropriate shoes, and I have twisted my foot a dozen times before in danskos, so I know better.  I was just in a rush and not thinking.

Well, I guess I'll be reading a lot.  Just to top off yesterday's fiasco, we watched the sad end of the Cards hopes for the World Series, with them outclassed in every way and looking like they'd already given up all hope.  Nobody even tried to really run to first base.  So the best team did win, and it wasn't ours.  Oh, well, time to concentrate on the A's again.

Happy Halloween!  I missed seeing my foster granddaughter because of my fall, and now she won't get her goodies until next week.  She's going as a fifties ponytailed girl.  My granddaughter up north is going as a snow princess.  I wish I could see them!

Old Age Day by Day October 30, 2013

I was in the car way too much yesterday and near the end of it there was an accident right in front of me, as I was stopped waiting for a light to turn green in a long line of cars.  A woman came from my right, and barreled through the intersection, hitting a car coming from the opposite direction from me.  I was boxed in, with no time to honk or move out of the way, but she missed me and smashed the other car.  I was stunned driving the rest of the way home.  I keep seeing such scary driving, and most of us are trying to be calm and defense, but with impulsive drivers that hardly matters.  I had a long talk with my husband about whether I should have stopped, but there was nowhere to pull over until after I'd crossed the wide intersection, I didn't have any special skills or abilities, and there were no police.  Nowadays, there is no reason for witnesses, as the drivers are expected to take care of everything themselves, unless there are injuries.  When I got hit from behind, there were cars all around and everyone just went right on by and left us to ourselves in the middle of the street.  And then there is the fear of being in the middle of road rage, and someone pulling a gun.  Driving is pretty scary these days.  And what is the rush?

Last night we watched Jurassic Park, which seemed a little bit like the accident, with cars getting knocked over and chased by T Rexes.  It's a jungle out there.

Old Age Day by Day October 29, 2013

Oh, dear.  The Cards lost and did not look good.  However, I'm proud of them for pitching to Dave Ortiz, and not just walking him.  That takes guts.  Again, the game was super tense, but the Cards are not hitting well, Lester or no Lester.  Can I stand to watch tonight?  I hope so. 

I'm very excited my best friend is coming for Thanksgiving.  We will have a lot of fun together.  We always do.  I'm going to make a list of things to see and do.  It will also be her birthday, so something special is in order.  There are some great art shows around, and we could go to wine country.  Hummm.  This is going to be fun.

I am taking an older friend for her check up after eye surgery today.  I have to go north, then swing back around and head east.  Her seat must be reclined while I drive.  I'm a bit nervous, but happy to help her out.  She is an amazing, bouncy, dynamic woman.  And she has had some health setbacks that would have discouraged a lesser being.  She was my younger daughter's kindergarten and first grade teacher and now my daughter teaches that age kids.  Karma!

Old Age Day by Day October 28, 2013

My younger daughter and I went to a tea and fashion show for Breast Cancer research, and we had a delightful time.  There were little sandwiches (chicken pesto, brie and apple or salmon) and pastries (choc coissants, cheese danish, brownie somethings, strawberry tarts) and champagne and tea.  The models were seven feet tall plus 8 inch heels, but the clothes were simple and lovely.  We had a great time, and had shopped a bit before, so it was a girly, girly afternoon.  I thought of our daughter and her treatment, and felt teary.  So many women going through this scary disease, hoping for remission and fearing bad luck. 

When we watched the World Series game, it was Stand Up for Cancer day, and people held cards with the names of family or friends who had died of cancer or who were struggling with fighting it.  That gesture really touched me as well.  They raised 6 million dollars at the game.  And all of the players on both teams held up cards.  Everyone has been touched by this disease. 

My team lost last night, in a totally frustrating game, but it was tight and exciting every second of the way, and had another dramatic ending, with our guy trying to steal base and getting tagged out.  Game over, as suddenly as the night before.  It looks like this series is going down to the wire.

Old Age Day by Day October 27, 2013

I tried my new waffle maker this morning and it worked really well.  The waffles were light and fluffy.  Waffles were a Sunday night tradition in my family.  My dad made them and sausage or bacon or both, and we all felt it was a big treat and fun to not have "dinner".  My dad was quite a breakfast maker in general, with huge breakfasts to start my brother and I off in the morning.  He would make cream of wheat, add half and half and canned fruit cocktail, then toast and maybe eggs as well.  On the weekends my mom would make biscuits and gravy, and my dad would pile on fried eggs and canadian bacon and cantaloupe and orange juice with a cherry in the glass.   We sometimes had half a grapefruit, or stewed prunes or applesauce.  It's a miracle I could walk to school after breakfast. 

I, of course, didn't appreciate the heavy stuff, and wished I could just have fruit and maybe a piece of toast.  I hated eggs, from the beginning, as it seemed like killing baby chicks and the meats bothered me as much.  I'd seen the animals slaughtered, hung out and cured at my grandma's place, and I was not to be fooled.  But I did occasionally like pancakes or waffles.  Now I don't even like pancakes, though I don't turn down crepes, but when I order in restaurant it's oatmeal and fruit, or scrambled eggs and toast.  But I have my husband representing my midwestern family, and eating as if he were my dad.  Today I had meatless sausage patties with the waffles, and my poor husband had to grin and bear it.  Those who don't cook don't get to decide the menu.

How about that game last night?  That was almost too exciting, and the finale, with Craig getting the run due to obstruction, will be talked about for ages.  I just hope he didn't get reinjured, as he'd just come off the disabled list.  And I really hope that wasn't part of the plan by the obstructor, who shall remain nameless.  So far this world series has been super exciting.  It's mighty satisfying.

Old Age Day by Day October 26, 2013

At my Buddhist study group this morning, we mostly avoided the subject of patience in Shantideva's The Way of the Bodhisatva.  We have been on this chapter for years, so I'd say we win the award for patience in a certain respect, but perhaps this causes us to occasionally, as this morning, ramble on about tangential topics and only rarely manage to tack on the patience theme to what is being discussed.  Were we tired?  Was there an elephant in the room that no one wanted to see?  I cannot know.  For my own part I was tired from my trip and just returning home.  However, I managed to briefly discuss two issues that I thought were right on target, only there was no enthusiasm from the teacher or others about the aspects of patience I thought these examples made obvious.  Sometimes the patience is in not expecting profundity or insight at every turn.  At the least, my mind was stirred in a helpful direction by my noting the meandering nature of the discussion, the lack of focus, my desire to control and direct us back to the topic (utterly hopeless - I need to mind my own mindstream) and my judgment in silently deciding this time was not well spent (who knows what the others thought?). 

Of course, these fellow students and I have known each other for over twenty years, so just being in their presence is valuable.  We are on the same path, we know each other's habits of mind and our histories, we trust each other implicitly.  We also bore each other at times.  It does not discourage us from showing up at great effort each month, and physically being in the same room has a power beyond whatever we discuss.  We are supporting each other.  We trust each other.  We have utter patience with the group process, whatever the particular outcome is on a particular day.  So I am grateful for the group, the falliable, utterly human group that we are.

Old Age Day by Day October 25, 2013

We were gratified the Cardinals won last night, and it was a tense, exciting game.  So the next games will be in St. Louis, which will hopefully help the Cards.  My family is from Missouri, so that's why I'm rooting for them.  Boston is too east coast strange for me.  I'm a westerner and midwesterner through and through.  I read an article about how there should be more razzle-dazzle in the games - more belting homers and drama.  I totally disagree.  This is baseball at its best:  closely matched teams, brilliant pitching, so that all the "little" things show up - a catch near the dirt, a swift play, a small hit that advances the teammate.  The commentator should watch football players crashing into each other and injuring themselves or basketball's hyperactivity.  Baseball and soccer are about rhythmn and serendipity and luck.  The whole mysterious game of chance and change and will and powerlessness.  Brute force doesn't win games in baseball.  The fates control what the players can't will to happen.  A great player has an off night, a newbie becomes a star, a bunt saves the day.  I adore baseball.  Like life, it is surprising and changing constantly and joyous in its exuberance.

Old Age Day by Day October 24, 2013

The season is really changing:  less light, cooler, leaves turning, the whole nine yards.  I hope we have a rainy season soon.

My husband and I settled down to watch the world series last night, but since we're for the Cards, we soon turned it off and watched a movie instead.  Perhaps tonight they will fare better.

My foster granddaughter and I went to the Dias de Los Muertos show at the museum, and loved it.  We put names of our dead on a tree - she put her dad and her dog, and I put my parents' names.  We made a little altar ourselves.  Then we went through the Natural Sciences part and she had a great time, especially after we ran into her friend and her family.  They bungled and had great fun and I talked to the grandpa.  I was so glad I'd taken her, because once she gets there she loves the hands on activities and writes and listens and looks.  She was engrossed in a video of a couple who take plastic washed up from the beaches and recycle it into artworks.  The pieces were beautiful.

Then we went up to the art gallery and she drew a self portrait that is automatically projected onto a wall of portraits, so, as I told her, she had an artwork hanging in a museum!

Old Age Day by Day October 23, 2013

We're back from our visit to our older daughter, and glad to be in our own bed again.  We had perfect weather during the visit and a nice interaction with everyone there.  We got to babysit our granddaughter overnight while our daughter and her husband went to a wedding in Texas.  She slept on the sofabed in our condo, and was thrilled.  Of course, as our daughter said, we took her to her favorite places to eat, had a playdate with her best friend, and were an enthusiastic audience for her soccer class.  We saw her school, got to go to grandparents' day, and walked the neighborhood a bunch.  We also got quite a bit of time with our new grandsons, 7 and 10, and they were fun and very affectionate with us.  Our daughter looks great for being in the middle of chemo, and her wigs are so good you'd never guess that's what they were.  We had a nice celebratory dinner for her birthday, and all in all, it was a good visit.

We came back to fog here, but I don't care.  It's home.  We pick up the dogs this morning and I have my foster granddaughter this afternoon.  I plan to take her to see Dias de las Muertos at the museum.  I think she'll love it.

I'm off to the grocery store, so we can lay in supplies.  I don't feel like eating out for a while.

Old Age Day by Day October 16, 2013

There was a beautiful moon lighting up the night sky last evening.  Somehow it did not translate into calm and peacefulness, because when I went to bed a wave of fear washed over me:  the debt crisis, the 5 earthquakes two miles away from the night before (were they building up to anything and why hadn't I bought lots of gallons of water?), the pain from the flu and shingles shot, the pains in my side and chest, would the visit with my daughter go okay or would I drive her nuts as usual.  I managed to get to sleep despite my very overactive mind, and this morning I feel better.  Nothing has changed about the worries, but it's sunny out and I washed my hair and I feel better.  All this mind stuff is a wave that washes over me, and the transcience of it is beginning to dawn on me.  I have a visualization I do that really helps:  I'm in a plane above the clouds and I can see the earth below the moving and changing clouds.  My thoughts are those clouds, and below is the astoundingly beautiful earth and I stretch one arm down to touch the earth and one arm up beyond the plane to the universe, and the clouds don't matter.  This image comforts me.

Okay, now you think I've really lost it!

Old Age Day by Day October 15, 2013

Yesterday I received an email saying our older two children's stepmom's father had died.  He was such a dear, dear man.  He was 93.  He was funny, brilliant, charming and such a gentleman.  He got to die at home, and with his beloved wife by his side.  It was a lovely way to go, and hospice made it smooth and gentle.  Hospice is such an amazing aid to people.  Their compassion, skills and professionalism are awe inspiring.  This was in Ireland, and yet they are being buddhas everywhere. 

I know I was so grateful my Dad could die at home.  He loved his house, his garden, and he was able to wake up in the morning, and lie on the sofa looking out on the garden he'd designed as he died.  He was eased into that transition in familiar and loved surroundings.  I'm glad this father and grandfather could do so as well.

I've sent flowers and cards.  We won't be flying over, as we are going to see our daughter in two days.  But my heart is there with them.  What a gift it has been to grow to love my first husband's widow and all her delightful family.  I adore her parents and her brother, his wife and kids.  They've widened our circle of love and connection and made my life better and happier.  I'm lucky.

Old Age Day by Day October 14, 2013

I'm up early and it's nippy out, but I actually had a really good sleep, and feel more human today.  I had a bath last night, snuggled in bed, and read a mystery.  Today is brilliant sun, coupled with the crisp air and fall leaves.  I can hear the crows fussing, and it's good to know someone is leading a gay social life.  I'm fascinated by crows:  their intelligence, their social constructs, even their size and glossy black beauty.  I think it's the Indian in me.

My older two children's stepmom's father died yesterday.  I was sad to hear it.  He was an absolutely delightful, witty man, and so gracious.  His three children take after him.  He left behind his wife of his whole life, and it must be so difficult for her.  His sense of adventurousness was wonderful, and he and his wife traveled far and wide, into their nineties.  He was a dear man, and the world is a poorer place without him.

Old Age Day by Day October 13, 2013

I hardly slept last night.  We watched the movie "Amadeus" and perhaps Mozart's music or the story or something disturbed me.  I was amazed I stayed awake at meditation this morning.  Then I shopped for while, all the time running on fumes.  I hope I sleep well tonight.  For the first time (we own the movie, so we've seen it a few times) I got why F. Murray Abraham won the Oscar instead of Tom Hulce.  I could see that it was Abraham's show, really, and he made it work.  Hearing snippets of Don Giovanni, The Marriage of Figaro and The Magic Flute was sublime.  What a complete entertainment1

My husband took the dogs to the cabin for a day or two.  He was back and forth so many times about going that he nearly drove me crazy.  Since we are leaving Thursday to see our daughter, I couldn't imagine why he'd go, when he needed to get a haircut, pack and figure out a few things.  But his mind is a deeply mysterious thing, and living with him for four decades has not illuminated it much.  He had some kind of call to nature, I guess.

Tomorrow I'm getting my flu and shingles shot.  It's time.  I don't want to be caught unprepared.  At least, this way I'll be caught unprepared about something else.

Old Age Day by Day October 12, 2013

My foster granddaughter and I had a lot of fun looking at Halloween decorations and picking out pumpkins.  We each got a sort of bluish pumpkin/gourd and bright white perfect little pumpkins, and I got an orange one with a crazy stem and a squash that looked like a giant acorn.  She got one with green stripes, a couple of tiny orange ones and one more traditional pumpkin.  There were two baby pigs, two baby goats and six ducks as well.  We then went to our favorite ice cream parlour and she had the grilled cheese and onion rings and I the turkey blt.  The highlight there was her scoop of swiss milk chocolate ice cream.

Then in the afternoon we went with our younger daughter to see "Gravity", which was amazingly good, and a beautiful metaphor of life as well.  Sandra Bullock was wonderful.  We then went to a pizza place and discussed the movie and the late lamented A's season. 

In between all this I was reading "Joseph Anton", which is so gripping and well written.  Salman Rushdie exposes himself warts and all, and his courage with this book mirrors his determination not to pretend something to get out of the fatwa.  What an astounding story!

Old Age Day by Day October 11, 2013

Well, our team lost.  No more playoffs, no World Series.  We watched the game at our daughter's house, and it was a glum experience.  As Yogi Berra would say, "Deja vu all over again".  Sigh.  Tonight the three of us are seeing "Gravity".  Something to distract us.  Now comes the movie season where there are grown up films vying for the Oscars, and so lots to see.  I've already liked "Rush", "Museum Hours" and "Enough Said", so I'm off to a good start.  I also want to see "Captain Phillips". 

I'm off this morning to take my foster granddaughter to a pumpkin patch and then lunch.  She has the day off school for some unknown reason.  We will choose pumpkins and also a couple of Halloween decorations, as is our custom.  They also have live animals like chickens, goats and pigs, so we have fun.  Halloween is great holiday, in my book.  Costumes are always a good idea, and pumpkins are amazing.  The goblins, witches and other folk are fascinating to kids, as a representation of the fears we all have and struggle with.  And for one night, we can be the thing we fear.  Very sound psychologically.

Old Age Day by Day October 10, 2013

Another crisp fall day.  How great it is to eat again!  However, I must watch my calories from now on.  The minute I don't the weight creeps up.  I don't have sugar or breads, but for me at my age it takes a lot more abstinence that that.  I virtuously had a yogurt shake this morning, and am having salad for lunch, but gee, can't a girl have any fun? 

My car is getting fixed, so I have to use my husband's car, which makes me nervous and him even more nervous.  Cars are getting a lot of emotional mileage these days, what with road rage rampant and expensive parking tickets and people running people off the road and bicyclists giving the finger and pedestrians glaring and honking the new pastime.  Who knew a metal object could be so stressful?

Of course, today I'm mostly stressed by my team's baseball game, which will determine if they go on in the playoffs.  It's in the back of my mind all the time.  I know it doesn't matter in the important scheme of things, but still.  A girl can't help hoping for a World Series, can she?

Old Age Day by Day October 9, 2013

Well, my roto rooter procedure is over.  Any budding problems have been trimmed away.  It wasn't bad at all.  They presented me with 10 lovely photos of my colon, which I told the nurse I would post next to famous celebrity photos to match up:  Can You Guess Which colon belongs to which Star?!!!
Look for it.

I'm going to attempt to make up for lost sleep last night and now that I've had breakfast, I hope not to dream of blts and milk shakes.  Actually, during the procedure, I was dreaming of lime green growing things, that bright spring color that is so hopeful.

I survived last night by being deeply engaged by a book:  Joseph Anton, the memoir by Salman Rushdie.  It's beyond good, it's just a terrific read, fascinating, informative and gives great background on his conceiving of his novels.  He's very honest, yet very likeable, as well as what I already knew; he's brilliant.  So the book rescued me from my physical discomforts, and how often, in my case, that has happened.  Book as rescuer.  Reading as lifesaving.  Magic as the antidote to a heavy dose of realism.

Old Age Day by Day October 8, 2013

I walked to my doctor's appointment.  I was up in weight and must crack down on my eating and exercise.  I'll come back to him next week to get the flu shot and the shingles vaccine, which I have to pay for as my insurance doesn't cover it.  I'm fasting today, so I'm keeping busy doing errands and and distracting myself.  This afternoon I'll begin the flooding of my gastrointestinal system preparatory to the colonoscopy tomorrow bright and early.  Ah, the joys of agedness.

I ran into two friends walking dogs on my way to the doctor.  A little human touch.  And it helps keep everything in perspective.  Both have lost their husbands to cancer, and are bravely soldiering on with their lives, involved with their kids and grandkids, taking trips together, enjoying life.  We all have our invisible courage, and our hearty choice to live this life we have been given, knowing how precious it is, how fleeting, how challenging.  I see heroism all around me, and it strengthens me.

Old Age Day by Day October 7, 2013

We had a nice time at the cabin, and got a lot of exercise, hauling and stacking the cord of wood for under the cabin.  My lower back was sore, but no real damage.  We came back last night pretty tired.  Tomorrow I have a day of fasting and then the colonoscopy bright and early Wednesday morning.  How I look forward to it all - not!

This morning I was walking the dogs and saw that our former neighbors' house on the street above us badly bashed in by the winds.  It must have been a huge tree, because it crushed the dome part and a lot of the roof.  That house was in the New York Times when it was built, because our friends' architect took a boring stucco bungalow and made it into a casbah kind of Thousand and One Nights dreamscape.  Then furniture was custom made for it and it was like stepping into a house in Fez, Morocco.  Right after they completed it, we went to war with Iraq over the Kuwaiti invasion, and it's been politically correct ever since to have an Arab abode.  Pretty funny.  Our friends sold the house a few years ago and it has had several owners since, each of whom didn't want the furniture, which was given to a nearby museum charity, and each tried to paint over the mosaic tile and garnishes and bright colors.  They washed it down, diluted it, and made it even stranger.  Kind of sad, but one man's dream is another man's nightmare, I guess.

I'm reading an old Josephine Tey I love, "Brat Farrar".  What a jewel of a mystery. 

Old Age Day by Day October 4, 2013

I had an early appointment to get set up for a colonoscopy.  Then I had to go to the lab, and to the pharmacy, and now I have lots of disgusting things to do in the next few days.  But I can't complain, as it's all preventative, and that's good.

Tomorrow we go up to the cabin to get a cord of wood tucked under the cabin before the snow hits.  Winter comes much earlier up there, though often we don't really get snow until December.  But once there is snow, the road is unuseable, and we'd have to wait until spring for wood. 

We had a howling windstorm last night, and tons of debris from the trees is everywhere.  It's just like having a tree service without the cost, though the cleanup is all ours.  It's still windy, so probably our cleanup will have to wait until next week. 

We went to a Charles Durang play last night:  Vanya and Sonya and Masha and Spike.  It was hilarious!  Goofy and silly and a bit sentimental, but a great sendup of Chekov and actors and playwrights.  I've missed seeing plays, and was so grateful to our friends who suggested we share a subscription.  We are so fortunate here, as there is terrific theater, music, opera, dance and whatever else artistic you could wish for. 

Old Age Day by Day October 3, 2013

I was awakened by my sometimes neighbor this morning.  They live in another state and have for many years, but they've kept the house for occasional visits.  She said her son and his wife were going to be living there for a few months and then she and her husband would be moving back here next year.  I don't know which is worse - having a bossy neighbor or no neighbor.  She immediately demanded we trim our trees because they were messing up her gutters.  I mumbled something.  What I wanted to ask is could she just have one conversation without a demand?  All she has to do is trim our trees on her property.  But she wants us to pay for it, and then always criticizes the tree guy and job after.  I'm not going down that road again.  She's unbelievably narcissistic, to the point where she never gets my name right, never knows the names of our kids, or what my husband did for a living. 
Her husband is not so bad, but really, there is no reciprocation.  We do stuff they ask, but they never do anything neighborly for us.  She leaves you feeling like a servant.  I once asked them to take in the mail for us for couple of days, and they said their housekeeper could do it if we asked, and I presumed, paid.  I've had a key for years, and every time she gets locked out she demands to be let into her own house.  I've helped her with her car, her mother, whenever she calls in a panic.

I'm done.  This one way street is closed.

Old Age Day by Day October 2, 2013

We had a busy day yesterday, setting up our trip to see our daughter for her birthday, trying to get a cord of wood for the cabin, getting my car estimate for the bumper.  A lot of things got done, which is satisfying, and I even had time for tea with a friend at her house.  We exchanged titles of books we'd read and liked, she showed me online classes she was taking, and the time flew.  Last night we watched the last two parts of PBS's Latino Americans.  I learned a lot, but I don't think it was as well done as it might have been. 

Today I have my foster granddaughter.  It's a beautiful day out, so we have lots of options.  Now we get warm weather, when the kids are in school and there is little time to enjoy it.  Oh, well.  It's the slight price we pay for living here.  For summer, we must go to the cabin, or just about anywhere else in the U.S.

Old Age Day by Day October 1, 2013

Yesterday was not my best day.  I was coming home from an errand, stopped at a red light, when the car behind me hit me.  I don't know if she was texting or her foot slipped off the brake or what.  I took down her information, and drove home, but was kind of stunned.  I hadn't actually considered I could be hit by someone while we were completely stopped.  Of course, it did damage to my car, and it will probably be expensive, and it will be trouble.  At least she was nice, and immediately asked if I was okay, and didn't put up any defense.  It was her father's car and his insurance, so I hope things go smoothly.

Last night we celebrated the dogs' ninth birthday, and our son came over with his dog, and a good time was had by all.  The three of us played scrabble after dinner, and as usual, our son beat us.  But we lost respectably.  Then we read for a while and got into bed after a challenging yet happy day.

This morning I'm taking the car in to the body shop.  Then I plan to not drive at all the rest of today.  It's a jungle out there, when you can get hit for stopping for a red light.