As I get older, I find myself able to revisit old wounds or traumas without all the turmoil of emotions that would sweep me up before. I can touch on something, pause, feel sadness arise, even weep a bit for myself having to go through that event, and then slip back into here and now. My practice has helped me be able to revisit without reentering that past place. So when I was telling someone yesterday about an upsetting time in my life a few years back, she, at the end, looked nervous and said, but you're really good right now and having good feelings about your life. She was uncomfortable and wanted to see me back to my usual cheerful self before we parted.
But every day is composed of moments, and not each of these is happy, or sad, or reflective or anticipation. A day has all the emotions of the rainbow, and I no longer fear getting stuck in any thought or feeling mode, because it's all changing, and summing up is for prosecutors and juries.
I am so kind to myself now that I can allow myself to feel what comes up, and then let it go when my mind and feelings inevitably move on. I, personally, thought it was great that I cried a few tears for stress and pain that I'd felt. I deserve some compassion, and those events are part of who I am. I'm not Ahab swallowed by the whale, I'm the writer of the story who can look back and see the paths that led me to where I now am, and be present with the pieces that make up my puzzle. I'm complex. We all are. And I'm resilient, as most of us are. I don't push away what arises, I respect it. There is probably a purpose, which my complicated self is working out.
Pain is inevitable, and sometimes it must be relived to remind us of where we've come from and where we're going.
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