Old Age Day by Day July 31, 2011

Last Day of the Month! Summer is whizzing by, and I can only hope we have an Indian summer later. This has been a cool and overcast weekend morning and evening, and it is hard to think summer, much less act like it. We went to warmer climes yesterday to walk the dogs, but even there it was coolish, and we had jackets and wore jeans and shoes and socks. The rest of the nation is frying, but we are defying the calendar. I refuse to buy sandals, even on sale, because I just don't get to wear them enough around here. I can't be tricked any more.

I'm reading a book about Henry James' years in Paris. The author sees a strong influence of Flaubert on James. It's fun being reminded of my James blowout. When I was living in Fiji I had one library where I could check out books. There were no bookstores in those days. So, though I might have settled for something more mundane, I ended up, out of desperation, reading all of Henry James works and also those of Dickens. I adored both writers, and Maisie and Hyacinth and other characters were embedded for life. I learned a lot about myself and my world through these ancients. I must say, perhaps Dickens is my favorite author to this day, though my favorite book is by another writer. But James, convoluted, mysterious, and overbearing as he is, writes so beautifully, and with such psychological acuity, that he is a delight. He's humorous, but for wit and cleverness Dickens is the best. And Dickens always tears the heart, in a way that James does not. It stays cerebral with James.

Maybe I'll reread James when I finish this book. I think I'd begin with Princess Cassimassima, and go from there.

Old Age Day by Day July 30, 2011

It's going to be an overcast weekend here, and I'm regretting not being up at the cabin, but I go on a trip to see a friend next Wednesday, so it's too much back and forth for me. I feel restless, and want to do something, but can't think what. Of course, I could study Spanish, or work on music, and read or do a hundred other things, so what I really want is to do something with other people. But it's so last minute that people are busy - I tried last night. I try to be spontaneous, and do something WHEN I ACTUALLY FEEL LIKE IT - but few of my friends are built that way. They are into heavy duty planning. Oh, well, something will turn up and in the meantime, maybe I'll break down and walk the dogs with my husband. It's just - doing that is so deja vu!

As I'm complaining, I can see to my right a lot of sewing projects half completed. I'm not saying I'm going to do it, but there they are, ready for some due diligence on my part. Oh, dear, if the fabric could talk to me, and make a joke or two, I'd be set! Except then they'd cart me off for observation.

Well, back to the drawing board. This weekend must be attacked, and I'm going to do it!

Old Age Day by Day July 29, 2011

Heard today that an old friend and neighbor is struggling with an infection, on top of his gallant fight with cancer. They're in another state, and I feel helpless to do much to help. In the midst of beautiful weather and summer, suffering and fear are also with us. My instinct is to gather my loved ones around me, and luckily for me, the family will be together in about three weeks. Treasure every moment, I tell myself.

In the meantime, I want to see "Cowboys and Aliens", and go to Target and walk the dogs. Because we balance, balance, forever we are in the midst of the swirl of the profound and the mundane. We are dancing, dancing, dancing, and crying, crying, crying. We are alive.

Old Age Day by Day July 28, 2011

Against all my better instincts I went to see Harry Potter with my husband, and surprised myself by liking it better than I expected. I am not a fan of the books or movies, in fact, they act as a kind of sleeping pill for me, but this one wasn't so bad. Then we had lunch at two pm and acted like the decadent seniors we are. It's delightful to break up the routine and eat a big meal in the middle of the day, and eat light in the evening.

We are both cleaning out our closets, and that feels great too. Getting organized, or at least the illusion of it. Now, if I can cleaning out my writing space. However, I'm too tired right now just thinking about it to begin. Maybe tomorrow.

Old Age Day by Day July 27, 2011

My retreat was wonderful, very peaceful, with just one other person and I sitting, walking, sharing the time keeper job and making meals together. Because of the lack of churning emotions that one feels during a silent retreat, we atuned ourselves to each other, and a lot of the intensity was missing. I could see my reactions very clearly, and I wasn't distracted by my usual empathy overload. The lack of dharma talks made me think for myself about the topic of expectations, and come up with what the idea meant to me. We did have hour long interviews with the teacher the last two days, so I was able to address some concerns and listen to some good, pragmatic advice. But basically, we were the teachers for ourselves, and, as our teacher often reminds us: Everything is our teacher. I learned some profound lessons from pruning a rose bush, and attempting water colors, and swimming in the pool. We did the tai chi practice Eight Pieces of Brocade morning and evening, and chanted the Discourse on Lovingkindness or the Sharing of Blessings before we retired at night.

So now I am back in the "real world", and I see that there are tragedies across the globe, from Norway to Somalia, and perhaps here, if our representatives cannot find a compromise plan for the debt. I wish all beings could experience what I was privileged to experience, and try to make kindness and generosity part of their everyday lives. I can only pray for them to see the world as interchangeable and interdependent, and not let their lesser selves rule. But they are caught up in this wheel of life, seeing nothing as it really is, and they suffer so because of it.

Old Age Day by Day July 20, 2011

My husband and I had an incredibly silly fight over a missing bolt for our granddaughter's adaronack chair at the cabin. I had put it in my purse, so we could get another one the same size, and somehow it fell out when I was taking things in and out of my purse. My husband was mad, I got mad, we yelled, we didn't speak, we calmed down, we became reasonable. There definitely may be more of this ahead, as he's home and we have the luxury of blowing up little things. I hope not. Marriage is filled with little irritations, annoyance at habits, and the tipping point over small, inconsequential details. We're pretty good at behaving well. We never call each other names, or cross certain big, important lines, but we are two human beings in one house, and it's just plain tricky.

Now I have a retreat, so we get some space from each other, and we will appreciate each other more, so neither of us is really worried. We know how to retreat to fight another day. We call each other on stuff, and the other listens. We treat each other with respect, and with the understanding that our base is steady and true.

But I wish he'd stop rattling his change in his pocket and he probably wishes I'd give him a break and not talk so much on the phone. In other words, we know just how to irritate each other.

Old Age Day by Day July 19, 2011

Tomorrow I leave on retreat, so I'm packing and grocery shopping and trying to remember what I forgot. Once there, there is no leaving or talking, so I'll have to live with what I brought. It is amazing, however, about how the obsession with food drops away when I'm on retreat. Away from the subtle pressures of culture, I don't worry about what to eat, or feel hungry, or not enjoy what is before me. It's freeing.

I hope this time to draw a bit and tackle watercolors again, and also write about what is happening. I will do this the old fashioned way, with a pencil and pen on paper. It's good to switch from computer and keyboard every so often. I remember when that was all I did, and then typed with carbons if I wanted to save anything. There is something about the act of crossing out - drawing a line through something I've written, that is powerful. Erasing has its effect also.

So maybe one last burger before I go. It's me and the nuts and veggies at retreat. Squirrel time.

Old Age Day by Day July 18, 2011

The weekend at the cabin with three little girls went super well. They played together and were thrilled to be up. They got to go to a movie under the stars, drive a party boat, fish, and play in the lake, which was cold from the snow melt. Us four adults managed to keep up with them, but barely. The eating is what's exhausting. They are hungry all the time and rejecting what you offer and not eating what is on their plate, and hoping for a diet of starches and sugar. But I managed to get my foster granddaughter to eat Campbell's Chicken noodle soup Friday night, and a bit of hamburger and about four penne pasta pieces Saturday night and most of a burrito Sunday night. Breakfast one morning was a lot of butter and syrup put again and again on one tiny piece of waffle. And the three had strewn their clothes and stuffed animals all over, under and in every nook and cranny of the cabin, so packing up required a lot of firm direction, shall we say.

My friend and I both wondered how we'd done it all those years ago with our own kids. We got very few moments of relaxation, but it's so fun to watch these kids, at 5, 6 and 8, that we were entertained showing them the osprey nest, keeping them from falling off the boat, and taking them to the snack bar for ice cream. Doting. That's a good term.

Old Age Day by Day July 15, 2011

Today we're off for the cabin, and a couple of days of little girls. It should be fun. I had a nice afternoon yesterday with our older son, and then he, my daughter-in-law and I had a relaxed dinner at a restaurant we love. We strolled around some gardens and looked at roses and other plants, then, inspired, we bought some plants at a nursery. We also went to a spice store, and I found some exotic blends and will be cooking some mighty fine meals soon. But not yet. First is hamburgers and hot dogs at the cabin, with potato salad and pickles. Roasted marshmellows for the girls and beer for us. At the cabin, we have cabin food.

Driving home last night, the moon was extraordinary: full, huge and bright. It lit up the sky like a firework, and it was hard to keep my eyes on the road. I hope it's full tonight, and I can see it amidst the stars and sky up in the mountains. What a treat it will be1

Old Age Day by Day July 14, 2011

Bastille Day! We used to celebrate it in French class in high school and I've never forgotten. However, I have no actual plans for this event. I'm driving up this afternoon to visit with my son and his wife. So that will be nice. My husband is in the kitchen waiting for phone calls back from Social Security (hah!) because I received two Medicare cards, each with a different number (one with my ss# and one with his). This will mess up our additional insurance, and confuse everyone. Everyone is on vacation, so this may take a while to get resolved. This is where patience and deep breathing comes in. Also stomping one's foot and yelling in the shower works.

Hey, easy come, easy go. Congress is threatening to do away with the whole thing, and meanwhile creating an economic climate of fear and instability. Good work, guys! Posture, posture, posture. That's what my mother used to say. Not that it did any good. I slump in chairs, I slump standing, I am only five feet tall and I ought to be stretching for all I'm worth. I evidently have a desire to turn into a ball for real. I've certainly got the shape for it.

Oh, well. Medicare may come and medicare may go and we're only here for a day, but our love is here to stay.

Old Age Day by Day July 13, 2011

In a week I go on retreat. I will be in silence for 10 days, and as much as I am a talkalot, I love the silence, because it means I drop down and all the social anxiety peels away. Even though I am usually unaware of it, social interaction takes its toll, and I am so empathetic that I easily lose myself when I'm around others. I love talking to people, but I'm doing a lot of work at the same time. On retreat, I get to observe what is going through my own mind, not anticipating what is going through another's. Life is simple on retreat - the routine is the same, the food, the weather, it is all deeply familiar, at this point, and there is an ease and relaxation in that. A comfort. The surprises are usually tiny insights while I'm doing walking meditation, or my responses to dharma talks, or how little things show up big.

I love the retreat, and I love my life outside of retreat. But the retreat gets my head screwed on right, so I can be conscious and have right intention in my ordinary world, where most of my living takes place. I am gearing up, do do battle with myself in the world, fighting impulses to counter with thoughtful, careful attention to my actions and how they may hurt or help myself or others. It's a basic training, but for kindness.

old Age Day by Day July 12, 2011

We're getting overcast weather that is not atypical for July, but is still discouraging. It does not feel like summer. I'd like to be at the cabin, and will go up this weekend, but until then it's a bit gloomy here. My husband and I watched two Antiques Roadshow episodes last night. He was exhausted from driving back from the cabin early that morning. I was tired from fighting with the bank, which had lost my safe deposit card sign in, and then when they gave up couldn't get the key to work, and then the dentist. Well, first thing was the hygenist's back was out so we had to see a stranger. A stranger who looked fifteen and was slow, awkward and caused water to leak onto my shirt, in my left eye and who I felt sometimes had me in a wrestling hold. It took forever and then she wanted the dentist to check after and we waited and waited - and then another stranger walked in! It seems my dentist after 2 1/2 years left suddenly, and here was this guy I'd never heard of and my teeth were now in his hands (well, not literally). We'd had the same dentist for twenty three years, then made the adjustment to the new kid, and now the office is filled with complete strangers whom we know nothing about. They handed me a letter, a bit late, informing me that the other guy was going back to school to learn more about root canals. Like anyone would be believe that! Needless to say, it took hours for us both to get out, and we ate lunch at three pm. Perhaps a bit of investigating is in order! I might as well find a new dentist who has at least the recommendation of a friend. Right now I might as well find someone on the street who needs extra money.

So we ate salad for dinner as we'd just had lunch, and watched people bring in their treasures and be fake surprised, or in one case, indignant because the expert was gently telling him his medieval masterpiece was a fake, and tried not to think about a disorganized and annoying day. Thank goodness for PBS!

Old Age Day by Day July 11, 2011

I have a teeth cleaning today and so does my husband. At our age, even routines can quickly turn to dental surgery and visions of teeth crumbling like crackers, so such an innocent activity has its inherent risks. I wear a mouth guard at night, and have ground my teeth to rubble, and my mouth is filled with cavities, crowns and the like. It is not a pretty picture, and when I smile wide there is the glittering of silver and dark recesses. At least I have my teeth; in the old days false teeth were the norm fairly young. So I appreciate the dental world, but nevertheless dread it.

I hope to make up for being so good by having some fun later on today. Perhaps lunch out or a good read in the sunroom or a movie.

I saw the movie "Beginners" yesterday, all by myself, and it was so much better than I expected from the preview. I was delighted with it, and the acting was knockout. I'm a big fan of Ewan McGregor, and Christopher Plummer sure has come into his own in his old age. All the characters were complex, funny and touching. I'm going to think about it a lot this week, I can tell.

So that makes 3 great movies in a row I've seen. "The Tree of Life" is superb and original, "Buck" is an inspiring documentary, and now "Beginners" is a great film about family. Wow! Can this be summer?!

Old Age Day by Day July 10, 2011

Reading the Sunday paper, I like to save the best for last, and think about whether I'm going to ultimately read certain articles. This is because newspapers are vying with other media to scare us, startle us in such a way that we bother to read the whole story. Today the most fearful stories seemed to be about financial fears. A fair regulator unlistened to by government and now resigning, Bernake failing to tell the truth, jobs lost. Something about the U.S. bonds struck me with terror, as I have money in bonds. We're all jumpy, but some of us also know that what we can read about or see on TV is not a complete story. If they are trying to make us scream, they're doing a good job of it, but it is also turning some of us away from seeking information, and taking action. We feel like butterfies pinned to a wall.

I know how to avoid the murder trials and pop star scandals, but should I be reading about the economy? Everyone has their position, but is anyone speaking the truth, or do they even know it? I have common sense, and I know if there are hard times there are hard reasons for it, and that change takes time. There are no easy fixes. It seems to me, deregulation has allowed financial institutions to run amok, and that the practical solution is to rein them in by force. You don't let a runaway horse stampede and hurt people out of terror. You don't let your kid in a candy store with no supervision to eat whatever he likes. Banks are terrified because they have TOO MUCH discretion, and their instincts are paranoid and self-serving. Let's face it, these are people who went into their profession to make money not to help people. Otherwise they'd be social workers or something else.

I try not to participate in this fear foaming zeitgeist we've been experiencing. But I don't want to get robbed of my retirement by sheer stupidity of the people elected to represent us. I know enough to know I can't trust in them. It feels like there is no safe place for my retirement money, and no information about how to protect myself. If the government would try living within its means, then perhaps we could end these wars we can't afford, and address fully what's wrong at home. But I guess that is too sensible. No wonder ordinary citizens can't spend only what they earn. They have been encouraged to live in a fantasy of buy now and pay later, or never.

Old Age Day by Day July 9, 2011

I watched the old Ken Russell movie "Women in Love" by myself last night. It looks pretty silly and the dialogue is way too literary, but some of the class ideas hold up well. When I first read the book, in my twenties, I identified with the women, but of course the book is entirely about men and their preconceptions about women. I find now when Birkin wants a wife and a best friend, and Ursula can't understand why she isn't enough, I am with Birkin 100%. No spouse is "enough" and I want close intimate friends as much or more than a life partner. But D.H. Lawrence thought he was radical, and the homoeroticism inherent in the book and movie show what he was really struggling with. The movie seems to me now to be a funny take on the strum and drang of the emotional roller coaster of a person in their twenties. All melodrama and absolutes.

I did work on the pictures and am so organized. In the process I found my tap shoes, ballet shoes, baby pink wool booties, my dad's hospital bracelet, his navy wings, a baby ring and an engagement ring, and various other ancient artifacts. They are now wrapped and better stored, and I gave away a few things to our older son and younger daughter last night when they were here for dinner. The power of objects for me has always been great. I read whole novels into them, and analyze my past. As they say, the past is never past.

I'm going to balance a little shopping with errands and generally floating around. I've had a leisurely morning so far and plan to stick to it!

Old Age Day by Day July 8, 2011

I just got off the phone with my granddaughter, and she is a talker. We discussed wildflowers, summer trips, camping, dressing up, whether she is coming to the cabin and how we are going to get together. Afterward, my daughter asked what on earth we were talking about. I said about forty topics! I hope to see her in August. I sure miss her.

I am looking forward to a quiet weekend, working on family pictures, and organizing a hall closet and seeing our older son tonight for dinner. My husband is going to the cabin, to enjoy the perfect summer up there.

The gardener is here, and I smell the green of plants and the simple pleasures are truly the best. Family, friends, and daily tasks and connections.

Old Age Day by Day July 7, 2011

The cabin was heavenly. I hated to come back down. And then I discovered that the meeting had been canceled that brought me down! But since I'm here, I'm making the best of it. I'm seeing my foster granddaughter today and a friend tomorrow, and I'll hear about our younger daughter's trip for a wedding, and enjoy the sunshine here. I'm flexible.

My husband, our younger son and I went for a walk with the dogs at the cabin yesterday, and took a wildflower identification book. We were pretty certain about some, and had fun glorying in the diversity and beauty of the flowers. The lupine was abundant, and penstamen and yellow iris and many more. I showed our son the osprey nest that you can see from the window in the cabin, and we could hear their cries off and on. Everyone but me saw a mountain bluebird, and we spotted junkos and tanagers and creepers and other woodpeckers. I especially like the Pleated Woodpecker, which is big and had a slash of orangy red.

The three dogs spent a long time looking through the rails of the deck at a gray squirrel, and imagining they could climb trees. We sat and read, played Yatzee and Bananas, and fed our faces. Peaceful, yes, and so relaxed the body kind of melts into the chair. Now if I can just keep that feeling down here!

Old Age Day by Day July 3, 2011

Yesterday I worked some more on organizing old photos. The big achievement is they are all in one place, and protected in plastic boxes or containers. It's as if the house multiplies its objects every 30 days! I feel good that if one of the kids wants to see old photos, it's doeable now. We could look through, and I'd identify people, and maybe we could even organize by family (Mom's or Dad's) or era. I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My husband is going crazy about his study, because in the last few months he's just stuffed things in there rather than do the sorting to put stuff away. There comes a time when you have to get rid of something to put something away. We are there. I've taken to giving away books if I have more to put away. I've given up on saving magazines. I never seem to pull them out to read them anyway. I do not save every book that is a good book. I think mainly of books I might reread. I am a rereader. I probably don't need all my teaching papers, or my early drafts of books I've written. Nobody is going to be writing a biography of me, because nothing much has been published, and to no acclaim. Ah, well, I'm in good company.

So organizing is partly an acceptance of dreams given up, or deferred at best, and self-importance easing away. Room must be made for the real, the now, the possibilities in the future.

Old Age Day by Day July 2, 2011

Yesterday I went by myself to see the new documentary, "Buck", about the guy on whom the movie "The Horse Whisperer" was based. His is an extraordinary story, and I feel like there is no human being on earth who would not benefit from seeing this film. I laughed, I cried, I entirely engaged with this man and his life. It was an honor to get to "know" him. Go see it. It is amazing.

Coincidentally, I was reading a mystery about horses, and though I never ride, from earliest childhood my favorite books were about horses. I read the Black Stallion books again and again, Black Beauty, and any and every other book that came my way. I love horses. But not to ride. I love their natures. We had a pony for our kids, and then a horse for seven years. I wanted my kids to have horses in their lives, and I bought them every horse book that came out. The bond between horses and humans has been as strong as between humans and dogs, and yet horses have not been rewarded for their empathy and cooperation often enough. And now, except for a few pockets in the world, they can never run free or be free. Humans have overrun the earth.

I love Deborah Butterfield's sculptures of horses because she often expresses the betrayal of horses by humans, their sadness and longing, and their fierce need to run, and be animals. Dogs are domesticated, but still have some freedom and run in packs, but it's like humans have rounded up all the horses of the world, dominated them, and have no respect for their nature and needs. We let cattle run and have space more than we ever do for horses. And a horse's heart is the most wonderous gift given to us.

Old Age Day by Day July 11, 2011

When my friend was visiting we sat down with my parents' box of photos and searched and separated them out. I threw away photos of people and places I couldn't identify, and had stacks for people who were friends of my parents still alive who would appreciate them. We enjoyed sorting through and I had support while I did this small task that is so painful to accomplish. I won't be around much longer, and a lot of these photos are meaningless to my kids, and some are meaningless to me. I tossed all their travel photos that did not have them in it. Since so much of my family is dead, there is no one to help identify people. I kept all photos of relatives, and any that had some historical purpose. But this is the time, and I wanted to do this for my kids, and not leave a loose box of photos like these. My own photos are all in albums. It would be better if they had explanations beside them, but at least they are most chronological and protected. This is a job of work I was happy to do, and of course, now, everything new is on my computer. If they do want to delete after we're gone, it's pretty easy.

So this little task was made easier and comforting by my friend whom I've known since I was nine. These are the wonderful, invisible loving acts that friends provide. For those couple of hours alone, I am so grateful she came here, after 45 years, to help me make this long journey of goodbyes.