Old Age Day by Day December 31, 2012

Last night I finished rolling all the yarn I bought the day before into balls and into a basket I also bought for this purpose.  I'm going back to knitting blankets.  I practically sprained my right wrist doing this, but my basket filled with colorful balls of yarn makes it all worthwhile.  I had to watch one and a half Cary Grant-Joan Bennett comedies to accomplish my goal.  Gosh, they are cute together, fast talking and tough and adorable.  The first film was "Big Brown Eyes" and the second "Wedding Present".  It looks like they had a lot of fun.  Now I'm all set for 2013 knitting. 

We drove around and looked at the lights last night before my knitting mania, and it was interesting to see all the creativity run amok.  And the best are at the biggest houses in the swankiest areas, but modest homes and certain streets where evidently the spirit just hit and hit hard.  We fell in the love with the new purple-blue lights, and my husband wants to get some of those next year.  We'll see. 

Yesterday's dharma talk set me on a good path for the new year.  He was talking about loving life, all of it, without discrimination.  Taking and embracing this messy, complex, contradictory, exasperating, joyful, tragic life we are given.  And after his talk, I thought, wow, I am able to do this a lot of the time now.  His training has been that helpful.  I felt proud of myself, instead of like I was failing at whatever Buddhist yardstick I had all twisted up in my head.  Because I really do feel life is precious, and maybe rolling balls of yarn is the ultimate joyride.

Old Age Day by Day December 30, 2012

Our shopping trip yesterday was successful.  My son found a suit, and also six shirts and two ties.  We worked hard, but came up roses.  Looking at men's suits is not something I'm that familiar with, since my husband, as a scientist, never had to wear them.  He bought two for our daughter's wedding, then maybe he's bought another since, but I can't remember.  I have been shopping before with both sons, but only the elder needs these kind of dress clothes, because he is going to be interviewing for jobs soon.  I my self no longer own a suit.  The era of pantsuits is over for me.  And as a college teacher, I never needed to be dressed up.  So it's a bit fun to look carefully at the minutest differences in fabric, color and style.  Everything is ulta subtle in men's suits.  And since he has a black suit and a gray one, he was looking for blue.  Next time it will be brown.  Not too exciting, but the good part is they never really go out of style, and he'll wear them for life.  I'm not sure I can say the same thing about my clothes, though I have had some coats and sweaters for 25 or 30 years.  And I have some retro coats that came from the 1950's.  One I call my Kim Kovak coat.

When I got home my husband had ordered pizza and we watched "Christmas in Connecticut".  I love Barbara Stanwick and Dennis Morgan in it.  Stanwick was edgy for her time, and had a great way with a line.  I like that persona of hers.

Old Age Day by Day December 29, 2012

It's been windy all night and still is today.  Gray and cold, for us.  Winter weather, for sure.  Two days ago my husband, younger daughter and I saw "Les Miz", and enjoyed it, as we adore the songs and have such terrific memories of seeing it on stage.  I don't think the movie entirely works.  Too many closeups and the ending speeded up and truncated.  The voices are fine, and I loved Russell Crowe giving more depth and complexity to Javert.  Anne Hathaway's early song is powerful.  Jackman is great, though I think a bigger actor physically would have been even better.  I really like Eddie Reymane as Marius.  The closeups are disconcerting, and I now know why I don't want to sit in the first row at the theater or opera.  But my husband put the CD on after we got home, and I almost liked that better, because the stage voices are so strong and passionate.  I like it just the way I remember it from the two times I saw it in the theater.  I read the book as a child, then as a young adult, and I am such a fan of Victor Hugo.  He's right up there with Dickens and Doestovevsky.  One of my early and constant passions.

Today I'm going shopping for a suit with my older son.  I'll lend moral support and get some time with him.  He's always too busy studying and writing.  So I'll grab him while I can.

Old Age Day by Day December 28, 2012

Why is it so hard to talk to people when you need to tell them to change something?  I've been dreading it for a week.  He sent me a bill for two times but only did one.  He also did not do the things I'd talked to him about, and not shown up as often as he agreed to.  My husband said not to bother to talk to him again, just fire him.  But I've needed second chances in my life, and I figured he might have a very good reason for sluffing off this fall.  It turned out he didn't, but I was as clear as I could possibly be, and I didn't give him the usual holiday bonus.  That was the hardest part for me.  I like to be generous.  In the end, we shook hands, and maybe the lack of a bonus will tell him I'm serious.  But I felt terrible, and am still trying to calm down.

I finished a book about Rocky Flats in Colorado.  My older daughter gave it to me for Christmas, and since my husband and I protested about the facility for the seven years we lived nearby, it was deeply interesting to find out more about the history and the closing of it.  The woman who wrote it grew up nearby and worked there for a brief time.  I remember when we were looking at houses to buy, and the realtor showed us ones near Rocky Flats, and told us we needed to sign a waiver for radiation dangers, we quickly looked many miles away and not downwind from the place either.  But people lived there, and died of cancers and struggled with ailments.  Once we went and hundreds of people linked hands around the perimeter.  Thank goodness we were cautious and knew better than to take chances.  Yes, those homeowners had a view, and it was convenient to Boulder, but they lived surrounded by contaminated soil, lakes and drinking water.  I'm not one for blind trust, and I've never thought the government was honest and truthful.  And especially not their contracted companies, like Dow in the beginning and Rockwell at the end.  For profit usually means by "any means necessary".  What a story!

Old Age Day by Day December 27, 2012

I got a great sleep last night, and it's beautiful today.  We've got some errands to run and hope to see "Les Mis" this afternoon.  There are noisy birds outside, in some kind of conflict or other.  Maybe around a squirrel.  Yesterday, we walked the dogs around a reservoir there in a tree very close was a huge rusty-red hawk with brown and white patterned wings.  It was eating something it had caught, resting in the crook of a leafless tree.  He or she turned to look at me, completely unconcerned that I was observing.  We stood there for many minutes, admiring his beauty, strength and size.  We also saw two pelicans and a heron, and a chickadee and other little brown birds, maybe sparrows.  The world indeed does have a show for us, guaranteed to give us pause and encourage reflection.  The beauties of the season are all around us, treasures more valuable than any gift.

So I'm in a great mood, and loving this after Christmas feeling of blessings and relief.  It's over, but it was good.

Old Age Day by Day December 26, 2012

Boxing Day!  When we lived in Colorado we used to celebrate this day with friends who were British, and it was fun.  Now I'll celebrate by getting the house back to normal, being mighty pleased with a lovely Christmas Eve and day with family and friends.  We had fun just cooking, watching "Elf" and playing Scrabble.  The food was fabulous, and everyone chipped in and made dishes.  We had a big surprise as our older daughter called from Hawaii and said her boyfriend asked her to marry him and she said yes.  She emailed a photo the a beautiful diamond ring he had made for her.  So our family will be expanding again, and we will be getting to know him better.  He comes with two sons, two parents, siblings etc, so Really expanding.  Our granddaughter called from New York, but she was buzzed up running around with the phone and I can't say I understood much, except she was happy and excited.  We talked to our family in Dublin as well, and that was good. 

It's sunny today and I plan to get out a bit, and maybe see a movie, or if not, walk around.  The holidays are over for me, as I do not do anything for New Year's.  I'm looking forward to seeing friends, a retreat, my daughter and granddaughter visiting and going up to see my best friend after.  The best stuff.

Old Age Day by Day December 23m 2012

We survived the night with three dogs.  Our son's dog ended up sleeping on the floor beside us, and he was very quiet and good, and our two dogs slept in their crates, as usual.  Having three dogs when it's raining is challenging, and I hope there is some kind of break this morning so we can walk them.  Our son's dog is a bit sad and confused, but seems to trust us.  It's going to be a long day with them in the confines of the house.  The more they get used to each other the better.  This morning they sychronized eating so all three finished at the same moment.  There stockings hang by the fireplace awaiting Santa.  If our female dog thinks the visitor is getting too much attention, she comes over and nudges us to pet her too.  They've worked things out.

Now, if the US Congress to figure out what the dogs have!

Old Age Day by Day December 22, 2012

I've really, really been busy this week.  More than I expected.  A friend from out of town, a dinner with a girl friend, movie and dinner with my granddaughter, shopping with several of my kids, a tea in the city with my younger daughter and daughter-in-law, phone calls galore, wrapping presents, grocery shopping, and who knows what else.  I was so tired by Friday I didn't make it to my granddaughter's piano recital.  I felt bad.  But my knees were sore, and I've had vague stomach or intestinal pains.  I'll have to check it out in the new year.

This weekend I'm trying to be quiet.  We are babysitting our son's dog, and it's raining, so we'll be quiet, I hope.  I have mysteries to read, and I love listening to Christmas music.  I'm looking forward to Christmas Eve and day.  I like the food, the family and our good friends.  I said goodbye to my older daughter and granddaughter on the phone Thursday.  My daughter is going to Hawaii for a week and the granddaughter going with her dad to New York to visit her grandmother and uncles and aunt there.  I know they'll both be having a terrific time.  I'm looking forward to a retreat in January with my good friend, and then my daughter and granddaughter visiting at the end of that month.

Blessings abound.  And we think of the families in Newton, their lives forever altered, and the violence our country seems so good at, and hope actions are taken to change this culture of fear and paranoia that engulfs too many people.  Decent people need to step up and insist on safety for innocents.  Maybe we can protect all children better if their situations at home are safer and without weapons or abuse.  Mentally ill children need resources and special care.  Not everybody can be mainstreamed.  Provide what is needed and morally right.  Don't cut services to children.  Don't stigmatize families with mentally ill members.  Offer them support.  That's what a great nation does.  Because it's the right thing.  These issues should not be politicized in any way. 

Old Age Day by Day December 19, 2012

Well, yesterday was so frantic I didn't have a moment to write.  Today promises to be over full as well.  My younger daughter, daughter-in-law and I are doing a girls day in the city, looking at lights and bumping along with the crowds.  They are both so fun to be with and we are having tea for lunch.  Last night a woman friend and I went to the nearby park carousel and saw lights, decorated trees and many adorable children.  It was so fun.  Then we had a comfort food dinner with mashed potatoes and hot tea.  I'm blessed with friends and family.  And I know it.

Old Age Day by Day December 17, 2012

The party is over, and I myself had a very good time.  It's fun to see friends and cook up a storm.  Cleaning up, maybe not so much.  Now we're back to repairing the refrigerator, and normal life.  I will attempt to finish shopping and see friends and family for some relaxing time.  Saturday my younger daughter and I saw "Silver Linings Playbook" and I was really surprised at how good a film it was.  It was funny and touching with a fresh script and good acting.  Robert de Niro disappeared in his role, and Bradley Cooper, who I never seen on screen, was excellent.  We both really enjoyed it.

It's raining now, and supposedly will be on and off this week.  I think it's good time to sit in the living room and admire out tree.  And read.  I just began "All The Beautiful Forevers", about slum kids in Mumbai.  I may have to switch to something more trivial for a bit, like a mystery.  We'll see how it goes.

Old Age Day by Day December 16, 2012

Today is the day of the party, so after eating yogurt and writing this, I will proceed to making chili and rice and cornbread and salad and 4 pies, with the help of our younger son and daughter.  It is a better looking day than I had any right to expect, but it still could rain tonight.  I love seeing my friends and getting to talk to everyone and this year meeting a bunch more of my son's friends.  I like providing food for people.  It's a big tradition in my family on my mother's side, a midwestern thing, and I also think not having to make dinner one night during this season is the best gift to my friends.  I love that our son is taking over the tradition, and really all four do this kind of thing for their friends and events.  And they put together the most spectacular surprise dinner party for me at our younger daughter's place this year.  I was thrilled and everyone who came raved about the food.  Knowing how to embrace friends is a great life skill, I believe.  My parents gave it to me and I've passed it on.

Old Age Day by Day December 15, 2012

The headline today in the newspaper said, "Unspeakable", and it really is impossible to find words for such a tragedy.  As with 9/11, the deliberate cruelty and unimaginable suffering can only be met with silence, prayers, and tears.  And we know around the world unspeakable actions are taken against tiny children every day, so this event speaks to all the children, and all the adults to try, sometimes vainly, to safe them.  When I was working in safehouses I saw terror and confusion of children who had their fathers as the perpetrators of violence, and we counselors often talked about wanting to take home certain kids and never let them in that environment again, but this environment was a school, a safe, clean ordered school.  They were supposed to be protected.  As we think of our grandchildren, and the world they live in, far more dangerous than the one our kids experienced, we can only pray.  And maybe, sometime take on the NRA and the subject of gun control in a more heroic and selfless way.  We could speak out more, and demand our leaders bring up the subject that was avoided by both sides throughout the election process.  We are failing the young.

Old Age Day by Day December 14, 2012

Today my son and I shop for the party.  Challenging, but what a relief when it's accomplished.  It looks like a dreary weekend, so cooking is probably as good an activity as any.  I haven't made pies in a long time, so I'm looking forward to that and the fudge. 

My husband and I went out for a fancy dinner last night, just for the heck of it.  The refrigerator is put back until Monday and we survived a scare about it not turning on, and the complete project probably won't be done for several more weeks, so we just celebrated for no reason.  I had crab and avocado salad, lobster thermador, which I've never had in my life, and a glass of sparkling wine.  We had a table by the window and could see out to the estuary and the lights on boats.  We came back and I read my mystery and my husband watched "Wallee" with the dogs.  Ah, the aged way of life, it has it's pluses.

Old Age Day by Day December 13, 2012

They are putting the refrigerator space back together and next week we can hopefully get the floor redone.  Just in time for the holidays.  And if it doesn't happen, I'm prepared.  In the larger scheme of things, this is a blip.  It's a beautiful day, but more rain is forecast.  I'm refusing to worry about the party.  Whatever will be will be.  That's my mother's voice.

My granddaughter and I had a fun girlie day shopping for puzzles and books and having hot chocolate and brownies.  Well, she had the food, as both have sugar, but, and I really mean this, my pleasure in her pleasure was better than food.  She picked out a hot pink sweater with sequins and a bright orange ruffled skirt at the Gap Kids, and though I was not entirely convinced they matched, I let her decide.  We found a Christmas book about a basset hound who's family gets a new kitten, which I thought was astute psychology on her account, since she has a six month old baby sister.  And she picked out a lab puppy calendar.  Then we got rained on and ran to the car.  On the way back to her house she asked me to rank animals in order of preference:  dogs, horses, cats, and rats.  She chose:  cats, dogs, bunnies and guinea pigs.  But when I put in horses, she thought she might revise her list.  We have had some great days together feeding ponies and horses at the barn where my daughter-in-law works. 

My husband picked up crispy chicken tacos for dinner, so my day was complete.

Old Age Day by Day December 12, 2012

It rained early this morning but is sunny now, so my husband is taking the dogs to the reservoir.  I will await letting in the the repair people, and try not to look at the mess they have made of the downstairs.  At least I slept well last night, so I can hopefully have some fun with my granddaughter this afternoon.  I'm feeling very domestic, but the state of the kitchen is not conducive to baking or even having a cup of tea in.  The better plan is to be away as much as possible. 

I need to walk aimlessly tomorrow, I can see that.  I do love just bumbling around my neighborhood, and passing by the  post office, knowing I do not need stamps or to mail anything, ha, ha, ha.  Next week is time enough to buy the remaining Christmas presents, figure out menus for Xmas Eve and Day, and find some old fashioned candy for stockings.  There is actually a new candy store nearby, and I bet they have some retro stuff.  Ribbon candy, pez candy, more candy canes and some taffy for the party.  I can't eat it, but I can sure admire it, and actually I can still remember the taste. 

Old Age Day by Day December 11, 2012

I had a nice walk with a neighbor I haven't seen in a while.  It was good to catch up.  There is work happening in the kitchen, and hopefully the leak issues will be resolved for the new year.  I am calm, utterly calm, or well, attempting to be so.  Today is beautiful, but there is rain in our future, and I hope it is not on the day of the party.  These things cannot be controlled, unfortunately. 

I'm reading Alice Munro's newest book, "Dear Life".  Her stories are tricky.  They begin like an ordinary story, and the people seem distant and quaint even, but then the characters become complex, the motivations blurry and the outcome unclear.  Sort of like life.  There is clear feminist intent on the author's part, but not preachy, just a nod to the complexity of being a woman, the demands men often make unconsciously, and the restricted choices women had in Munro's generation.  Some of those restrictions still seem to have ghosts in the present era.  The women protagonists are often confused about what is going on and moving forward intuitively rather than with a life plan.  They are buffeted by forces they don't understand, but the reader does.  The stories are sad underneath, but with so much truth and beauty that the discomfort is almost easeful, instead of a downer.  I am a great admirer of her craft, and I also like the window into the Canadian world. 

Old Age Day by Day December 10, 2012

Today we get the tree!  It will be hard work and exhausting, but I'm ready to decorate.  I will unpack my snow globes, and clutter up the downstairs, but then I do like clutter.  There are a quite a few stages to get from here to the party.  It involves a lot of trips to and fro and plugging away at little tasks.  I'm up for it.

Tomorrow the workers come to repair the refrigerator and wall etc, so they will be plugging away as well.  I feel like it will be a house filled with elves.

Old Age Day by Day December 9, 2012

Today is our youngest's birthday.  She threw herself a party last night and we are taking her and her siblings to dinner tonight.  When she was born, there was a true knot in her umbilical cord, and we felt so blessed that it had never tightened in the womb.  When Andrew Solomon's son was born, the doctors and nurses panicked, and he was given a CAT scan.  So Solomon and his partner got quite a scare.  I think I'm grateful there was not quite as much technical intervention in the old days.  Anyway, I've always thought of her as a bit of a miracle.  They all are.  It's a rocky path to birth, frought with dangers. 

I'm going to meditation and a dharma talk then having an interview with my teacher.  My first one.  I have no idea how it will be.  I will be as surprised about what comes out of my mouth as anyone.  Maybe that's how it should be.

Old Age Day by Day December 8, 2012

I went into the living room to add another holiday card to the pile and discovered our dogs had eaten all the cards so far.  No wonder one of them has been gagging a lot.  Such is my lot with crazy dogs.  It's been that kind of day anyway.  I did not enjoy my study group, and was unable to remember why I find going desirable.  It seemed like such a waste of time.  I was pretty disgusted over lunch, then decided to take a nap and promptly erased the afternoon.  Now I've awoken, it's dark and I have no cards.  Luckily, there is still some hope for the day, as we are going to a Chaunakkah party tonight.  I'm going to change clothes, brush my hair, and start over.  Tomorrow I must get up early and be gone for meditation and dharma talk and then have my first interview with my teacher.  Right now I can't think of a thing to say, so hopefully inspiration will strike.  If not, I'll nod my head wisely, I guess.

Old Age Day by Day December 7, 2012

My husband and I saw "Life of Pi" yesterday, and it is knock out.  So beautiful to see and so profound, but in a gentle, funny way.  Irrfan Khan is wonderful, and the whole movie is magic.  I can't recommend it enough.  It's about our "stories" of ourselves, and how we have choice about how we see the world. 

I had a lovely time perusing two stores for little gifts - stocking stuffers and a baby gift and ornaments, plus a couple of surprises for our younger daughter, who's birthday is Sunday.  I love finding things for other people, it gives me real pleasure.  That and having a party are my two favorite activities this time of year.  Today I'm searching at Ikea for some goodies.  Wish me luck.

Old Age Day by Day December 6, 2012

I was happy today to see an article in the newspaper about Obama meeting with the Conference of Tribal Elders again.  He's kept his promise and met with them every single year.  He's been adopted into the Crow Nation and is Barack Black Eagle.  The respect he is showing for our Native American history in this country thrills me.  And the same newspaper also had an article about a large percentage of Californians feeling happier since Obama won the election.  Of course, that could be just relief the whole election morass is over.  But I am happy. 

And grateful.  The claims adjuster came out, did not look behind the refrigerator, so what the heck were we waiting for?  But anyway, they will pay part and we will pay part, and we can now attempt to get someone to come out and fix the eyesore.  Lots of luck getting anyone until January.  Of course they were very late, then called and said someone else was coming out, then he was very, very late, and we sat around waiting and waiting.  I wish it had been for Godot. 

Today I aim to do one frivolous thing, and not just take care of Christmas business. 

Old Age Day by Day December 5, 2012

Today I'm going with my granddaughter ornament looking, and we will also pick out a couple for our trees.  The nursery has umpteen trees with a theme for each:  ballet, pets, skiing, elves, zoo, you name it.  I'm also looking for little snow globes, for the children and grandchildren of friends.  It's raining and dreary, so that outing ought to cheer us right up.  My friend might join us and share in the fun.

The claims adjuster is coming out this morning, so maybe we can get an okay to fix the mess in the kitchen.  Or not.  What will be will be, as my mother used to say.  It wasn't illuminating then and it isn't now.

I've been working hard on Christmas cards, and I'm getting there.  As usual, I picked the wrong number of photos to reproduce, and have ended up with extras of some and wishing I had more of others.  I can't quite figure out an intelligent plan for the process.  But I get my cards out and promptly, so I'm not going to beat myself up.  In fact, I'm grateful for the process I have developed, which gets the job done with minimal back pain.  Today in the newspaper there was an article on researching gratitude's effects on people, and I know from my practice the efficacy of thinking of stuff I'm grateful for.  I'm happier for it.  Evidently it also soothes the heart, the body and soul.  Well, yeah!

Old Age Day by Day December 4, 2012

We picked up our younger daughter and her boyfriend from the airport last night and I was struck by how clear the night was and how far the visibility.  Part of this probably is because of the recent rains cleaning the air, but part I think is the fact that I rarely go out at night now, so I have this abstract notion of what the night looks like.  I also lack confidence in my vision, especially at night, but last night I would have had no trouble driving.  It's too easy to be scared off of activities at night, or just not being shut in the house at night, which comes so early this time of year.  Unfortunately, walking at night is not an option in my high crime rate area.  Then I could really look up and see the stars.  Our house is surrounded by huge trees, so the back or front yard don't afford a view.  I'm missing something.  I realized that.

Today is a big push to wrap a big present for our granddaughter and get it mailed.  Ugh!  Then I have a meeting in the afternoon.  I don't like meetings.  Oh, well, there are lovely moments no doubt in this gray day.  I just have to find them.

Old Age Day by Day December 3, 2012

We're having a dry day today, so my husband is rushing out to take the dogs to the reservoir, and I am going to do a bunch of errands.  The sun is shining and the waters have receded.  We had a nice lunch with our younger son yesterday, walking there and back and getting fruit on the way.  Then I read my amazing book, and called a friend and generally snuggled in for the dark wet evening.  I am so interested in the summary of information in Solomon's book, and riveted to the stories of families coping or not with horrendous surprises of children sick and disabled and difficult, without often the support they need and deserve.  I read about schizophrenia last night, and the suffering of its victims leaves no silver lining.  Parents literally lose the child they loved to a stranger.  But their courage, and that of the victims, in the face of such a cruel, relentless disease, is humbling.  These victims need halfway houses and constant care all their lives, but our culture seems to believe we aren't responsible for them and should leave it to the families.  What a tragedy.

How we face what we have to bear depends on circumstances as much as character.  Those with resources succeed in getting help, those without are lost, to fend for themselves.  I believe if we had universal health care, there would soon be facilities and halfway houses to give families relief and a sense of safety.  I hope our country takes the compassionate stance on people with disabilities.  I don't think it has fully embraced our interconnectedness and need to take care of our communities, not just ourselves.  I hope everyone reads this book.

Old Age Day by Day December 2, 2012

There are flood warnings and such a deluge I did not go to meditation this morning.  It's supposed to clear this afternoon.  In the meantime I am reading my terrific book by Solomon, "Far From the Tree".  It is so thought provoking and informational.  I have read the chapters on deaf children and dwarves.  Nest is down syndrome.  He is exploring what makes parents accept or reject difference in their children, and how being different and more importantly, others' attitudes affects these children.  It is a lesson in capacity and compassion.  It reminds me of my first husband's family, in Fiji, who had no money or resources, but tenderly cared for their severely disabled son in the middle of their one room, so that he was surrounded by his family and great kindness until he died, many years later.  I don't know his life from his perspective, but I know he never new cruelty, abandonment or felt a lack of belonging, whereas many parents would have sent him away to be wearhoused.

So I am learning spiritual lessons from this book.  Solomon's other book, "The Noonday Demon:  an Atlas of Depression" informed me in the same way.  Our attitude towards what our life unfolds as is more important than any details.  After reading that book I had so much more compassion for what the world labels mental illness.  I saw it as complex and also so individual.  The responses are infinite.  The possibilities just as infinite.

Old Age Day by Day December 1, 2012

Today is my friend's birthday, which is gratifying, as she can no longer rib me about being older, as she has for the last three months.  We often celebrate her birthday together, but we didn't this year, and I miss that.  I hope to see her in early February, and it will be here in a blink of an eye, I know, but still.  Birthdays are hard, and I appreciate my friends and family's thoughtfulness to ease me through.  Basically, we don't know how in the hell we got this old, and we know we should feel grateful, but along with that comes some bafflement about how to be.  My parents died decades ago, so I don't have a solid model for how this works, and neither does my best friend.  We're winging it, as they say.

I have been growing my hair out, because I don't care anymore if I'm too old for long hair, or look like a witch (at least a witch has powers).  I just like my hair long, so there!  Otherwise, I think I am basically age appropriate, and semi dignified, but if I want a nest on my head, so what.  There may be other rebellions in the offing, who knows.  And who cares?!  Us invisible elderly, free at last.

Old Age Day by Day November 30, 2012

Last day of the month!  Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire.  And yes, I did see Jerry Lee Lewis perform in Richmond, Virginia, when I was a teenager.  I am that goofy.  I was a member of the Elvis Presley fan club, and practiced Elvis cheers with other completely idiotic young girls.  I swooned to the Everly Brothers.  I saw the Big Bopper and the Temptations and Little Stevie Wonder.  I still occasionally listen to the Shirelles.  I wish I danced more.  I always do when my granddaughter visits, but that is only every few months. 

We had a deluge last night and it's still going on.  Heavy rain, dark sky, and treachery everywhere you step.  I have my rainboots on just to come out here to my writing hut, and I'm watching carefully where I place my feet.  But part of me still has the urge to splash in puddles and act like a labrador.  Having two such dogs probably exaccerbates the tendency.  Only one of them wants to get wet, the other acts like a kitten. 

I am seeing two friends today, so I'm all set for sociability, and I will get out, Mother Nature or no. 

Old Age Day by Day November 29, 2012

Another leak has been discovered in our refrigerator, and of course, fixing and repairing will take a week and many thousands of dollars.  Boy or boy, what a great time of year for this.  But the worst of it may be waiting for insurance and others to call back.  Of course, it doesn't help that my husband does not have a cell phone.  But really, he has not been out, they have been out to lunch.  I have to take the long view, that the problem will get fixed eventually.  It is discouraging about how the painting will go as well.  Badly, probably, with cost overruns. 

In the meantime, I am meeting a friend for lunch, and all the important stuff is fine.  But I'm getting in the mood to Christmas shop and decorate, I have a passion to be out there with the herd, I guess.  There is a toy my granddaughter and I saw yesterday that I want to pick up before it goes away.  And the most fun will be shopping for both the granddaughters.  But I also like to find stocking surprises and maybe a new snow globe and pots of narcissus and that kind of thing.  We're putting off getting the tree for a while, under the delusion the kitchen might get fixed soon.  But for me, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Old Age Day by Day November 28, 2012

The sky is dark, the forecast rainy.  Now is the time for all good people to read and bake and dust.  The outside world will be blustery the next few days.  I'm trying to think what to do with my granddaughter this afternoon.  I had planned to peruse toy stores and maybe a Christmas ornament place, but we may be playing games and drawing instead.  Oh, well.  The newspaper was dark and dismal:  sofas contain flame retardants that alter DNA, crime of all kinds is way up while the police officer numbers go down.  Two teenage girls shot and killed for no reason.  Very depressing. 

I saw in the Health section the obvious:  seniors are helped greatly cognitively and physically by walking around their neighborhoods.  Yet walking can be dangerous to your health in the wrong neighborhood.  Senior centers are organizing walks, and that sounds so sensible and without cost and helpful that I have to applaud the common sense of some people.  More than talks or crafts, older people want to get out and SEE things, smell the air, look at people passing by, chat a bit with others in the group.  So for some problems, there can be solutions, simple ones, and not all require more budget, just volunteers and the will to help.  Walking - what a concept!

Old Age Day by Day November 27, 2012

My best friend had a nasty fall and seven stitches.  And my childhood best friend's mother had a scary episode, surgery and is in the hospital.  Sudden changes at the last minute, as they say.  You cannot really be prepared for surprise, the slip on the carpet, the adjustment of inner organs, the ordinary changes that are nevertheless dangerous and have repercussions.  We try and try to be prepared, but we never can fully be.  Here we store earthquake supplies, fill water reservoirs, yet a fire from a gas line can make all that a moot point.  We have check ups, and take are meds, but surprise down the line, waiting in a corner in the hallway. 

All I know to do is take deep breaths and acknowledge we have the capacity to handle this new reality, and when we don't that's what friends and family are for.  Reach out.  We're all humans with the same frailties and future.  We need each other.  I'll be offering my support, but praying for their inner strength, which I'm certain is there and available.  It's just sometimes we need a reminder that we are our own protectors.  And we cannot protect ourselves from being human.

Old Age Day by Day November 26, 2012

It's foggy again this morning - very atmospheric and Hitchcockian.  I have totally mundane pursuits in mind, however, including going to the post office and ordering some stuff online.  Since the dogs are outside my door I'd better include walking them.  Our son returned from the cabin last night and evidently had a great time with his friends.  We'd saved him some turkey and trimmings per his request, so he returned home to eat them for dinner.  Our younger daughter leaves this coming week for a wedding back east, and generally things are gearing up for the holidays.  I had a nice walk yesterday with an old friend, and the dharma talk yesterday was still floating around in my head, so it was a peaceful day.

I think it's difficult for us to adjust to being older and not doing so much.  We judge ourselves and don't feel productive, which is the yardstick we've been measuring ourselves by.  My friend is having trouble adjusting, and it's a dilemna for most of us.  How do you slow down?  How do you feel you have a place in the world if you're not out doing something?  And what we have to offer in terms of wisdom and experience is not valued in our culture.  I believe our lives become about the tiny interactions we have with others out in the world, and our gentle support to those of our own generation about what is true and right:  a good heart, compassion, generousity, and good humor, which we have in more abundance than younger people.  We have PERSPECTIVE.  We can listen and see that what is truly important is addressed, in a gentle way, so others don't flounder in shoulds and coulds.  You have to be still sometimes to drink from the well of your own being.  Without the resource of your own beautiful self, well, then you feel lost.  It's our time of life to stop and smell the roses, daffodils, irises and other hidden joys right around us.  And perhaps nudge our friends and family to do likewise.

Old Age Day by Day November 25, 2012

My Buddhist teacher spoke today about silence.  How turning inward can cause one to "know oneself".  I feel that, even before I was a practicing Buddhist, I spent time in silence, especially as my kids got older and we had a cabin where I could go to get away from the hustle and bustle of my life.  I sat on the deck, watched the kids swim, wrote in journals, and if I was up by myself, spoke to no one for days on end, and that solitude gave me a knowledge about myself and my experience in the world that I treasure.  Now I deliberately nurture silence, and I've never been afraid of it, because of the "in the woods" experience, not unlike the Buddha in the forest.

Old Age Day by Day November 24, 2012

We had a peaceful day yesterday walking the dogs along a wooded trail, having lunch out and reading.  Today I may take a walk with a friend and I have already rearranged dish towels, napkins and aprons in a new place, hopefully more organized, but a bit difficult to get to due to a dog crate.  Ah, these are the sacrifices we make for our dogs.  My goal is to have less that one thousand items on my kitchen counters, but I'm not sure there is any real hope for the space.  I've shuffled things around, but it may be a shell game.  Some of this stuff is going to have to go.  I think I'm restless about it because the refrigerator area looks like a bomb hit it, so I'm trying to pretend that my kitchen is an island of calm, when it really is a constant aggrevation recently. 

Well, next week brings a contractor, a roofer to look at the gutters for replacing and the possibility that some repairs might get done.  Tantilizing, if illusory.  We shall see.

Old Age Day by Day November 23, 2012

We had a lovely Thanksgiving with two of the kids and their signifigant others.  Everything was so delicious, and the table looked beautiful and we had a relaxed time.  In the afternoon we went to a matinee of "Lincoln", which exceeded my expectations.  The movie achieved greatness, and Daniel Day-Lewis was extraordinary.  I've never seen another performance on film as amazing.  He was fully complex, alive and real.  I'm in awe of his skill.  Tony Kushner's screenplay is fabulous.  Sally Field was terrific as well, and the rest of the cast excellent.  The cinematography was gorgeous, with some scenes like sepia tin types.  The film is a cry for our system and our democracy, and how complicated and strange and wonderful it can be. 

Today I will avoid the crowds of shoppers, as always, and take it easy.  It's beautiful fall weather, and after I put away the mountain of dishes we washed last night, I can enjoy the day. 

Old Age Day by Day November 21, 2012

We washed the dogs this morning, which means one bathroom, the stairs and most of the downstairs got a washing, too.  My knees are still quite damp.  My husband has taken them to the reservoir to walk them and have them dry off.  It rained all last night but is beautiful today.  I'm going to tackle jello salad and soup this morning, and see where I am for tomorrow's dinner.  I know I have the wrong kind of bread for stuffing, so I'd better change that.  There is almost always something I'm missing when I get going.  Luckily for me, I live seven houses from a grocery.

I'm trying to keep in mind my gratitude:  for my life, my health, my family, my friends.  We are all in our separate homes baking away, but my joy about their being alive is foremost.  And then there are the little things:  my crown didn't fall out last night, there was no river in the kitchen this morning, our dogs have not done any landscaping recently, my skin is turning a paler pink from it's original fushia after the reaction to the biopsy.  It's all good, as Jim Carrey would say.  And if Morgan Freeman isn't President of these United States, Obama is.

Old Age Day by Day November 20, 2012

I've just returned from the dentist, and what was supposed to be a quick popping the permanent crown in my mouth turned out to be and hour and fifteen minutes of shots, bleeding and total discomfort.  My mouth is all numb, I'm afraid I'll bite my tongue again, and I feel very, very sorry for myself.  I'm just going to hang with self pity for a few hours, or maybe the rest of the day. 

I'm reading a David Thompson book, "The Big Screen", and as usual he is thought provoking and fun to read.  I love reading about the movies, and gaining a sense of the history of film, and he's such a lively writer, that even when I don't agree with him, I enjoy his point of view.  The book is way better than a movie magazine, even a pretentious one, and it counts as low brow and high brow.  I believe I would have loved taking film courses and writing about film.  Another road not taken, among many.

This afternoon I may tackle another grocery round, if I can cheer myself up a bit.  Time's awasting, the the big day almost upon us.

Old Age Day by Day November 19, 2012

Ah, another day, another disaster.  We have stopped the flood behind the refrigerator, but have structural and mold damage, and now need the insurance people and a contractor.  And what a great week for it!  People are so available on a holiday week.  Watching the Ken Burns documentary on the dust bowl, my husband said, at least we aren't in a dust storm.  There are definitely bigger castatrophes than ours.  However, will we ever get the house painted?!  After the kitchen and now after the gutters?  And will I still be alive?  I guess if I'm not, I won't really care, so that's good.

I am planning my attack on Thanksgiving dinner, and will forage into the grocery world today.  Yesterday afternoon my daughter and I shopped for some stuff for a wedding she's going to, and that was a fun escape from house breakdown.  She got a jacket and hosiery, and I found a sweater and tee shirt.  I bought more party invitations and she found some Christmas gifts.  She even returned some school stuff before the 30 day refund expired, which I consider a triumph of achievement.  But mostly we had girl time, and I'm never too old for that!

Old Age Day by Day November 17m 2012

It's raining cats and dogs and our gutters are falling off and who's afraid of looking in the basement - I am!  In keeping with the theme of water we are awaiting the repair person to fix the refrigerator, which is leaking and buckling up our new floor.  Oh, joy.

I'd like to get out this afternoon and forget I own a house.  Hopefully le deluge will ease up by then.  I know, I know, the earth needs this big gulp of water, at least where we live.  I'm complaining, and I know better.  But in the last week, my tongue has been swollen to three times it's size, and bloody, my biopsy site turned bright pink and itches like crazy, so I had to go back in yesterday to get new antibiotic, new cleanser, cortisone something for the rash, and my eyes are goopy, probably from pain shots in my mouth or cheekbone, or just out of general protest.  I feel irritable.  Can't a girl complain a teensy, weensy bit?

I want to see the movie "Lincoln", but am trying to wait so the family can see it on Thanksgiving day.  Nothing else much appeals to me right now.  I'm looking forward to "Life of Pi", but it's not here yet.  It could be disappointing, as Ang Lee has his hits and misses.  Daniel Day Lewis only has hits.  He's my favorite living actor, though Cary Grant is my favorite all time, with Lewis second and Laurence Olivier third.  I am of devotee of Lewis, because he reveals the heart of the people he portrays.  I don't know how he does it, but I believe it helps to be the son of a poet.

Old Age Day by Day November 16, 2012

It rained last night.  I like the smell.  However, our gutters are falling apart, so I guess we will have to get someone out here.  The joys of houses.  Much to be done, oh dear.  I'm beginning to think of turkey and the whole delightful meal next week, and seeing some of my kids, and somehow even today feels festive.  In the meantime, I'm visiting a friend who has had surgery, and will try to think of movies and magazines and books to bring.  I have a frozen barley soup and it would be nice to bring flowers.  I'm a pretty good cheerer upper, if I say so myself.

Old Age Day by Day November 15, 2012

Two days in a row the dogs have not barked in the middle of the night.  The solution:  covering their access to seeing out the windows in the kitchen.  Aaaah.  Relief.  Evidently, it's a jungle out there in our back yard, with birds, cats, squirrels and strange shadows.  Our friend from Chicago suggested covering the windows, and voila!  I am a rested person. 

Last night I had a dream kind of like the old French movie "Children of Paradise".  I was in the middle of a big celebration, in fact, I was the drum major, and all around were happy faces and confetti and chaos and throngs of people.  I woke up smiling.  I had such a feeling of joy.  I have no idea what it means, but after awakening, I realized I'd had a similar dream before, so it seems it is reoccurring.  I guess I've internalized the movie so deeply that I'm now living in it occasionally.  Though my dream has none of the sadness, regret, and pain of the movie.  What a vacation this dream is, or is it a glimpse of nirvana?  It is not unlike the drops of water in the river that flows to the ocean, the central Buddhist metaphor of life.  Wow.

Old Age Day by Day November 14, 2012

My husband was up at the cabin, so last night I watched "Design for Living" with Fredrich March, Gary Cooper and Miriam Hopkins, and then "Rosemary's Baby".  I had never seen the first movie, but it was clever and riske and fun.  I adore Miriam Hopkins.  This film was precode and was shocking, in the premise.  The three stars managed to make it adorable, even though it was about a menage a trois.  I had not seen the sixties film in decades and it holds up really well, partly because it implies rather than hits us over the head with shocking scenes, in contrast to Kubrick's "Eyes Wide Shut", a hideous cliched attempt at a coven.  The metaphor is impeccable, powerful as ever.  Anyone pregnant has had that feeling of being taken over, not listened to, and controlled by doctors and friends.  Farrow is perfectly cast, as is Cassavetes. 

Of course, I had a bit of trouble sleeping after seeing a scary movie, and woke up early, but it was worth it.

Old Age Day by Day November 13, 2012

We're having this glorious, crisp, cool, sunny harvest weather, and yesterday, for our friend's Pueblo Feast Day, it was perfect.  The food was amazing, the people friendly and celebratory, in part because we were all relieved Obama had won the election.  Today is another great day, and I have just finished walking the dogs and will visit my friend recovering from surgery this afternoon.  A good day to be alive.  Gratitude is more and more with me, easy to access.  Every day is a blessing.  Eating cold papaya this morning, my teeth protesting, was a pleasure.  The huge golden persimmon leaves blanketing the steps are joyous.  Thinking of Thanksgiving next week makes me happy.  Having seen friends from long ago is lingering as this history that I treasure.  People who have known me in many incarnations are so valuable to be witnesses and keep me honest.  I appreciate them.

Well, enough about me, as Bette Midler would say, what do you think about me?  I trust your day is a good one, and these little moments of transcendence are like jewels in the hand.

Old Age Day by Day November 12, 2012

We had a delightful time with our friends from the midwest.  Yesterday we went to an art museum in the city and it was crystal clear and beautiful.  It's great to reconnect with people after a long time - lots to catch up on, photos to see, stories to tell.  We had known the woman for many decades, but except for a wedding reception in Colorado, had not spent time with the husband, and so we were getting to know each other.  We managed quite well.  It seems so long since the friend and I were in graduate school together, but we're always in sync when we see each other, our connection affirmed.

This afternoon we are going to a tribal feast day that friends are hosting, and I'm looking forward to that event, and seeing our friend's little girls.  They always come to our holiday party.  Then tomorrow, back to the normal routine.  Sigh.

Old Age Day by Day November 9, 2012

I finished the book on Lincoln yesterday, and cried quite a bit at the end.  The assassination is still so painful.  Then my husband and I decided to watch "Glory" last night and I cried buckets more.  It's so lovely to see real people hold fast to their beliefs, even at the risk of their lives.  I cannot imagine that courage, but hope I would have it.  Most of us are not tested, and we live and die without knowing what we are made of.  Lincoln and Robert Gould Shaw were fearful, and understood what they were risking, yet persevered.  There is a way to know what is right in your heart, and actually act on it.  The news of this is rare, yet people do it all the time.  Little people.  Unknown stories.  Bravery is not letting your fear cause you to not act, when action is called for.  And when I put it like this, I, too have acted from my heart, regardless of safety, a few times.  We probably all have.  We have it in us.  I like to be reminded of that fact.

Old Age Day by Day November 8, 2012

It's supposed to rain today, but it is sunny and pleasant.  I'm think of the east coast, where yet another storm has hit.  I really feel for them.  The election news has bouyed me up, but already, of course, the fiscal cliff has stunned the markets, and worry for the future is overtaking yesterday's news.  I believe we have a steady grownup at the helm, and one who can listen to others and take advice without feeling he needs to posture or his ego will be shown up.  So I'm hopeful something will be worked out.  I'm excited about my friends' visit, and cheerful about my sore tongue.  I have not broken off my temporary crown as of this moment, so for me, all is well.

My Buddhist teacher has hurt her foot and will not be with the study group this Saturday, but we are pretty competent to handle the discussion and will talk with her through a conference call.  We're so comfortable with each other that we smoothly handle our sitting and our Shantideva as well.  Everything changes, and handling change is part of our practice.

Old Age Day by Day November 7, 2012

We stayed up late last night to watch the election returns.  We're relieved and happy Obama won.  Now comes the hard part, as everyone is saying.  I'm really hoping the two parties find a way to cooperate for the good of the country.  We'll see.

I spent two hours at the dentist getting a new crown, and managed to bite my tongue badly, so it is swollen and painful.  The site of the crown was throbbing yesterday, but is fine today.  Now I've got to manage to not have the temporary crown fall off for two weeks.  I'm chewing with my left side, which is doubly important since the tongue on the right side is sore.  I realize that really was two hours of surgery, with the dentist and tech working hard and me having to try to remain calm.  Not pleasant, but necessary.  You can see why "Marathon Man" is a genuine horror film.  Luckily, my new dentist is very sweet and careful and kind.  No torture.

Today my granddaughter and I are heading to a bookstore when I pick her up.  I promised last week.  I also have two new board games to play.  One is about fairy tales and the other about finding puppies.  Do I know my granddaughter, or what?!

Old Age Day by Day November 6, 2012

We've already voted, and the sorrow of the day is upon me.  People's intentions are mostly good, and their view of the world is something they have a right to.  We are a divided country.  I'm reading "Team of Rivals" about Lincoln and his cabinet, and it feels right now similar to that political atmosphere, when the nation literally divided itself.  People sincerely believe differently, though most politicians are only about power.  Our hearts are in the right place, whether we are worrying about fetal rights, or our environment, budget concerns or raising everybody up.  We are battered bloody by the media and the lobbyists and the pundits.  The money could solve most of our problems, but it has dissolved into ads and hate.  We are one nation, and we need each other.  Our land is too big, our problems are too big, to be dealt with by the states.  We need the guidance and embracing arm of federal government.  But we don't want to believe it.  We think we can take care of ourselves, whereas our species is all about cooperation and interdependence.  My heart goes out to every person in this nation, struggling, confused and hopeful.

Old Age Day by Day November 5, 2012

We had a good weekend and now have business to get down to!  Our friends from Illinois are coming to visit, so slipcovers (covered in dog hair) must be washed, groceries bought, and other chores accomplished, so we can look like we keep a neat house.  Our female dog has a couple of things that must be checked out at the vet, and that is worrisome.  The weather is still beautiful, but the forecast is for rain and lousy weather while are friends are here.  It figures.  I finally heard from my friend in New York, and though power has been a big issue, and her son-in-law has been unable to get to work in the city, everyone's fine, including her ninety something mother in Virginia.  She's in Colorado babysitting her baby grandson while her daughter begins work again.  What a tough transition that is, especially as he's only 4 months old.  My friend is a terrific grandmother and she has six grandchildren, in three different states, so she is one busy gal.

I had a long talk with my granddaughter on the phone last night.  I sure miss her, but luckily, she is a talkalot, so the phone really helps.  She was a green fairy for Halloween and my daughter sent pictures, and she looks sparkly and happy.  I'm going to try to remember to be shiny green and sparkly myself this week. 

Old Age Day by Day November 4, 2012

I got up today an hour earlier than I needed to, due to the time change.  Oh, well.  I even set the alarm, without registering that it was going to be totally inaccurate.  I'm going to meditation this morning, so I can't go back to bed, and it's sunny and beautiful, so I don't feel too sorry for myself.  A childhood friend sent me a 1950s photo of the tiny town where we lived as kids.  It could be right out of "To Kill a Mockingbird" or "The Help".  Of course, I didn't even live in the town, per se, we lived right outside on a road off the main highway.  Behind our house were woods that went on and on.  I took the school bus into town, and biked there.  Though there was no destination really.  There was a drug store, the school, but no real place to land, so you had to be visiting a friend to even bother.  The movie theater had closed down, never to re-open, and the VFW and Masonic buildings were for our parents.  We went to church, and vacation Bible school.  There were dances at the K-12 school in the auditorium/stage/basketball court.  But most dances happened in people's homes.  Shopping was an all day event in Richmond, with a meal at the Hot Shoppe cafeteria.  That's when I learned to be very decisive very quickly, because if you weren't agreeable, your time was up and we were in the boy's department for my brother or my mother was looking at linens in Tallheimers.  To this day, I can always find something to buy; I'm flexible.  She who hesitates is lost.   No ideas of the perfect shoes or insistence on a certain color of coat.  I choose from what's available and in my size.  My mother sewed most of our clothes, so she was in no panic to outfit me.  Underwear and shoes and socks.  Those were about the only items she needed to buy.  To my dismay!  When I grew up, I was prepared for living in Fiji, where there were no stores with anything in my size.  I wore what I brought, and bought a sewing machine.  So I know how to do without a place to shop.  And now, even when I have all the time in the world to look, after about twenty minutes I feel the urge to wrap it up, pick out something, and leave.  Mom would be so proud.

Old Age Day by Day November 3, 2012

I read this morning in the paper about an elephant named Koshik who can say audible words in Korean (since he's in a zoo in South Korea).  This has been confirmed by independent German scientists.  He began verbalizing when two other elephants were relocated and he was lonely.  He speaks to his trainers.  He uses his trunk in his mouth to make the sounds.  This one story is worth more to me than anything about the election, economy or our culture of famous untalented persons.  Joy arises in me from the knowledge that an elephant is taking the initiative in bridging the species gap.  His trainers did not teach him this.  He figured it out by himself.  The article says in 1983, some Russian elephants could speak 20 Russian phrases, but there was no scientific study done to confirm it.  Talk about the struggle to suvive and adaptability!

Hopefully, Koshik will dictate poems next, and also come out with a statement on world peace and intraspecies cooperation.  He will speak up for the rainforests and plains and rivers.  I, for one, will be waiting and listening.

Old Age Day by Day November 2, 2012

Images of the storm back east are disturbing.  I was saying to a friend this morning that it looks like a sci fi movie - "Day After Tomorrow".  She wondered if it would occur to anyone that states NEED the federal government, and can't do things on their own.  And we both wondered about climate change.  Is it still a no-no as a topic for this election, except for Mayor Bloomberg?  So many things not open for discussion:  gun control, environmental issues, drones, Afganistan, schools.  Instead, the unborn have center stage and promises of jobs in an economy that no longer operates in the old way.  Neither candidate is honest, but at least one doesn't promise the moon.  Beware of strangers offering you candy.

Old Age Day by Day November 1, 2012

Wow!  Goodbye October.  Hello November.  October certainly went out with a bang here.  A huge world series parade in the city, with a million fans, Halloween, with millions of sugar addicted children, and a rainstorm at night to cap it all off.  We had a few more trick or treaters than we usually do, but still there are many dum-dum lollipops now ziplocked away in our pantry.  I had a nice time with my granddaughter sewing a felt cat with her new sewing kit, and then we watched that oscar contender, Dora and the Puppy Party.  Five stars, at least.  She was Pippi Longstocking.  I tried to call my granddaughter in Oregon, but no luck.  I hope I get a photo of her as the green fairy. 

Now, as the pumpkins are already here, it's easy to refocus on Thanksgiving.  Banish the black cats and put out the pilgrims and indians.  I'm thinking turkey already.

My friend and I are talking a walk this morning, then having lunch.  We've not seen each other in a while, due to commitments and my bad cold.  It will be good to catch up, though at the rate time is flying, it may be impossible1

Old Age Day by Day October 31, 2012

Today is Halloween, and I think of my granddaughters and the fun they'll have at four and seven.  One is being a fairy and the other a veterarian.  Yesterday, my husband said he couldn't really remember Halloween and what he did.  I realized I couldn't remember what I dressed up as, but remember running around our town and throwing toilet paper on bushes and trees.  I was a little mini vandal, but so were all the kids in the tiny towns I grew up in.  We had complete physical freedom, and aimless, exuberant energy.  There were often parties and kids' houses.  I think I've forgotten my costuming because those memories have been superceded by my kids' costumes, which I mostly remember.  And by the time my kids were born, the world was a scarier place, and we were more closely supervising them out of necessity.  I had one rule:  no trick or treating after age 12.  My parents had that rule also, and luckily, there were parties or sleepovers to celebrate, without the kids becoming thugs instead of little kids having fun.  Being 12 to 18 is so hard in so many ways.  You don't want to give up the perks of being a little kid, you have all this wild energy, and you have no adult priviledges either.  I think most teenagers envy trick or treaters, the innocence, being really scared by silly things, the joy.  It can feel like all the fun is sucked out of life.  What a rough time of life!

Today is also the Giants parade for the world series.  I won't go, but it has some similarities with Halloween.  Grown people will try to celebrate like children, and some will become angry children, because baseball is a fantasy of childhood, and these are adult times.  Some of the fans yearn a bit to hard for a long ago time, when life was simple and winning was doable, a myth, but allluring.  And their disappointment at adulthood may rise to the surface.   We'll see.

Old Age Day by Day October 30, 2012

I've been emailing friends to see if they are affected by Sandy.  The news makes it look pretty bad.  I believe the storm is heading our way after cutting a swath through Canada.  I keep wondering if this is a message about the election.  Or even the world series.  Of course, the message is climate change, but evidently we're all going to keep our heads firmly stuck in the sand about that issue.  I got a call early this morning about money for the election, but I've donated all I think appropriate.  Anything else will be to shelters or research or something tangible for the benefit of all beings.  I get so sick when I think of what this election money could have done to help poor women and children, to feed the hungry, to build housing.  How can anything good come out of such a perversion of what our government should be about.  Ads and hate.  Bad karma!

It drizzled last night and the dogs were restless and we went down and let them out, then lectured, but they succeeded in keeping us up.  I know there are squirrels and cats and all manner of disturbing creatures in the night, but the most disturbing is them, being, well, being DOGS.

Old Age Day by Day October 29, 2012

I'm feeling a bit worse than yesterday, but much better than when I had a fever.  Nasty flu!  I went out and bought some magazines, a couple of mysteries, and three DVD's, in case I keep feeling fatigued.  I don't want to have a reoccurance.  The weather is gorgeous, and everybody is happy about the Giants, and there is a big parade Wednesday, which I will not attend, but appreciate.  In the meantime I'm dealing with our garden and how to keep the little green critters happy.  My roses aren't getting enough sun, and the holly tree offshoots are trying to take over the yard, and the ivy is sneaking up all over.  A plan of attack has been instigated, and I'm hoping we don't end up engulfed in greenery, with no way to get out of the house.  The little bit of rain we had encouraged a lot of bad green behavior. 

Then there is the canine problem.  Some plants have been moved, and the other planter has been eaten.  I wish they would cease having aspirations to be landscape designers, because their taste is a little to minimal for me.

Old Age Day by Day October 2,8 2012

I'm just barely coming out of a viral induced fog of fever and headache.  Last night I had no fever for the first time in two days.  What a flu!  I'm going to have to continue to take it easy, as I have a runny nose and feel pretty fragile after doing battle with one of those frost things from Thor.  I am going to attempt to go to see my daughter-in-law's choral performance this afternoon.  My husband's against it, and he has done a good job of nursing me, but if that's the only thing I do today, and if I have lots of cough drops and kleenex, I believe I'll not harm my recovery.  I'm feeling very grateful for getting out from under a brutal headache.  The fever was constant, no matter I took tylenol every four hours, so this was a bad one.  I hadn't even had a chance yet to get the flu shot this year, though I doubt this is THE flu.  I've been blaise in the past, because I seldom get a cold.  Now I'm a believer.

Another beautiful day that I will not be out in.  Sigh.  The highlight of yesterday was watching a world series game.  I've become quite the admirer of Pablo Sandoval.  He's pretty irresistible.  And just generally, I adore baseball.  I'm now certain that pitchers need helmets, though, and hope they come up with something that works real soon.  What happened to Brandon McCarthy was horrible, and I was upset to see Fister continue pitching after he was hit and not be forced to leave to check out his injury.  Not right.  The manager was wrong on that call.  I'll miss the game tonight, and it could be the last.  Oh, dear.  Anything to avoid thinking of the coming election and hearing more about polls and gender gaps and fact checking and basically, people running off at the mouth.

Old Age Day by Day October 26, 2012

I began feeling sick yesterday afternoon and by nightfall I had to take Tylenol.  I woke up in the middle of the night with a crushing headache and this morning I've got a cough and runny nose.  There was a lady behind us on the airplane who was coughing.  I believe I have been gifted with her cold.  I'm going to have to rest and baby myself a bit.  I had to cancel a plan to see a movie with a friend.  The weather is gorgeous and I will not be able to be out in it, I fear.  Darn!  I hardly ever get colds, but this is a doozy.  I'll have to read and doze today. 

Last night we watched the world series, and it was quite a game.  I like both teams, but favor my local team because the other beat my beloved A's, but really they are both likeable teams.  But who can resist Panda Pablo Sandoval? 

Old Age Day by Day October 25, 2012

We had a nice dinner with our friend, and are excited that she found a place to buy two streets away, if the numbers work and she wins the bid.  I've got my fingers crossed.  We always have a good time talking and it would be so lovely to have her close again.  I'm going to check with my friends and see if any of them have a connection to the sellers.  But basically I'm powerless.  I wanted so badly to help our son with the place he bid on, but someone out-monied him.  We live in an area that never took much of a dip and is fast rising again.  Real estate is a strange, even absurd concept to me.  The house could be gone in an instant, and owning land is bizarre.  At least with our cabin, we don't own the land, and are at the whim of the forest service for the cabin.  You can't get too possessive in that situation.  People do crazy things because someone has trees blocking their view, or they don't like the color of a neighbor's house, or don't want anyone parking in front of their house - on the street, no less.  And generally, I'd say cooperation is way down about neighborliness and a sense of community.  Nowadays, it's a sense of entitlement.  Scary.  Very Halloween.

Old Age Day by Day October 24, 2012

I had the bright idea yesterday of washing the curtains upstairs, but when I went to take the curtains out of the dryer, one set was in sheds.  I don't know if the fabric was too old or cheap, but now I have to find material to replace them.  I'll look for something fun.  And the blue curtains in the little guest bedroom were never hemmed, so I'm going to sew them up this time.  It's a lot of material to hem, but I'll get it done in the next couple of days.  Of course I ought to wash the windows before I put the curtains back, but I won't, and taking the curtains down made me notice better the cracks in paint that need fixing.  Home repair is one giant headachey snowball!

I'm cooking barley soup, because a dear friend is coming for dinner.  And I am compromising with the fall weather by making soup.  I have in my head to prepare grilled chicken mango Chinese salad, but the soup will keep us warm, as well as garlic bread.  I'm thinking chocolate eclairs from a nearby French bakery. 

I'm fighting off some kind of virus I picked up probably on the airplane.  There was this woman behind us coughing her head off the whole trip.  Talk about captive audience.  So I took Airbourne this morning, and throat coat tea and will hope for the best.  So far I just have this little tickle in my throat.  I slept fine, and have gone to bed at a ridiculous nine and nine thirty both nights since I returned, so I'm getting my rest.  Lots of vitamin C!  Fluids!  Positive thinking!

Old Age Day by Day October 23, 2012

I had a lovely walk and breakfast with a friend, despite threatening weather.  Last night we watched the Giants vs the Cardinals on TV, and the downpour of the last two innings was something else!  It's very exciting!  I'd rather it was the A's, but this is the next best thing.  And actually, I like Detroit as well, so the World Series will be fun.  Baseball's last hurrah for this year.

As I was waiting for my friend at the cafe, my younger daughter and her boyfriend showed up.  We discretely sat around the corner from them and then they came over as they left.  I'm sure they were thinking they could not think of anything less romantic than ending up by mom.  Oh well, small world and all that.

Now to wash the upstairs curtains! 

Old Age Day by Day October 22, 2012

I just returned last night from a three day trip with my granddaughter to see my daughter and granddaughter, and the visit was delightful.  The little girls played and played, and they have a new cat who was a source of infinite amusement.  We had a birthday party for my daughter, we went to a pumpkin patch, the girls had a kung fu class, we went to a children's museum, and all was a happy whirlwind.  I was exhausted last night and went to bed at nine pm.  Last night I could hear the rain, and that makes me happy, as the earth here so badly needs it.  Today is sunny then cloudy, but no more rain since nine am.  I managed to squeeze in a dog walk without it raining on us.

I'm looking forward to seeing an old friend who lives in another state now, and having lunch with another friend I haven't seen in a while.  It looks like a good week, a very good week.

Old Age Day by Day October 17, 2012

Another beautiful and day and I began it with a walk with a friend and coffee.  This Indian summer that we get here feels like such a blessing.  I kept my determination not to see the debates and I did not read anything much in the paper except to see generally Obama seemed to come to life and fight for his Presidency.  I hate the whole debate thing.  If citizens are too lazy read anything substantive, and need an "entertainment" to make up their minds, well, I don't want to watch "Survivor" or "Dancing with the Stars" or reality TV, so I'll pass.  What people say and what they do are often two completely different kettles of fish.  I have made up my mind about the actions taken by both men up until now, and I'll vote according to what I can predict each will actually do next.

And then there is the surprise of events, and who can handle rapid change and make measured decisions.  I really, really don't care about their "acting" on TV.

The world is changing, and I accept that information if changing as well.  But I don't have to choose to take my information in sound bites.  I read books, whole books about events and decisions and the background and results.  I'm beginning reading Goodwin's "A Team of Rivals" about Lincoln's cabinet and how he made the decision to sign the Emancipation Proclamation.  That will tell me how consensus can be achieved and how all the vast complicated actions of our government are balanced by urgent need, vision for the future, and representing the best interests of the majority of its citizens.  That will be time well spent before I vote.  Not TV watching.

Old Age Day by Day October 16, 2012

Did I mention I'm sick of being locked upstairs like Rochester's crazy wife?  No?  Well I can't wait to put the furniture back and COOK something in my kitchen and not look at a garage sale inside my abode.  It's beautiful outside, real Indian summer, and I've already taken a walk and will again before the day is out.  Hopefully, tomorrow evening my husband and dogs will be back and the place will be habitable.  I read a People magazine yesterday that I bought with my OWN money, that's how low I've sunk.  It was just as bad as I had remembered, but now I know what Anne Hathaway's bridal gown looked like.  I'm enriched.

I saw a good movie last night, British, made in 2011, with a great cast:  Rachel Weiz, Bill Nighy, Michael Gambon, Alice Krige, Judy Davis and more.  It was a political thriller where the Prime Minister, played by Ralph Finnes, is the bad guy.  Judy Davis has aged a whole lot, and I always wished she had gotten better parts.  She's a brilliant actress.  And she was beautiful, in her prime, but she never played the beauty, she was always a character actress.  I love her deep voice and ability to unravel before your eyes.  Anyway, it's titled "Page Eight", and it's nail biting fun.

Old Age Day by Day October 15, 2012

The last coat on the floor is going on.  I may make it through this process.  I'm thinking of my trip Friday to see my granddaughter and celebrate my daughter's birthday, and letting that positive excitement outweigh the chaos in the house.  Yesterday I managed to be out all day with two friends, and even saw another movie, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", which my friend and I thought was terrific.  It sure made me think of my high school years, and all the pain and suffering and confusion and hope and dread they contained.  It's a beautiful screenplay, and super well acted.  Today I have invented some errands for myself and will take myself out to lunch. 

Yesterday I really had a lot of fun shopping for salwar kamizes in Indian shops.  My friend is going to work in a clinic in Mysore for a couple of weeks, so she needs cool, loose clothes.  We found two good choices at one shop and another one in the second shop, so she's set.  In the process we saw gorgeous saris and scarves and jewelry.  I resisted all temptation and didn't buy anything, especially since I wouldn't wear them for a long time if ever.  I already have several lovely outfits.  But it was like entering fairyland, with sparkles, sequins and bright colors.  I may go again, just for therapy.

Old Age Day by Day October 14, 2012

I am pretty sick of the stink in the house, being confined to two rooms upstairs, and eating fruit and V8.  I got away a good bit yesterday, first to my study group, then to a movie by myself.  "Argo" lives up to the hype.  It really is funny, tense and surprising.  Today I'm going out to breakfast with my friend and then shopping, and this afternoon a movie with another friend and then dinner.  Tomorrow morning is the last coat on the floor, and hopefully, in the forseeable future I'll see my banished husband and dogs.  It seems to be raining right now, though both newspapers said it would not.  No chance, no percentage. 

I watched "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" last night with Charles Laughton and Maureen O'Hara.  It's a pretty gorgeous movie and interesting in terms of ideas.  As a kid, I adored Victor Hugo and Alexandre Dumas.  I read abridged versions of "Hunchback", "Les Miserables", "The Count of Monte Christo" and "The Man in the Iron Mask".  I was destined to take French in high school, and my love for very dramatic French literature is equaled only by my love of Dickens.  I love the political mixed in with romance and told from the point of view of the underclasses.  I'm a revoluntionary by impulse, though tempered now with a huge dose of reality and cynicism.  It's not that simple.  Yesterday, in study group, we talked a bit about dualism, and I outgrew that world view quite a long time ago.  Yet many are trapped in it.  Read the political news.  Okay, I admit I'm grumpy.

Old Age Day by Day October 12, 2012

My team lost.  I'm a little blue.  But proud of them and they lost against the best pitcher in baseball.  I avoided the VP debate, just so I wouldn't get too down.  Not because I thought Biden would do badly, but because the discourse and the way the media view it is upsetting to me.  Instead I read magazines, after I had dinner with my younger daughter, and calmed down after a maddening day with the refrigerator.  I'm about to go back to big blocks of ice in an ice chest in the basement.  So now everything with the floors is off a day and we won't get back on them until Wednesday.  Big headache, but we'll survive.  My husband is banished with the dogs at the cabin.  I'm holding the fort here, even though I'm the Indian. 

Today I can at least get out, and am having dinner with a friend up the street, so that's good.  Today also, our younger son is making an offer on a sweet little house, and I have my fingers crossed for him.  I have maturely moved on from the baseball season.  Almost.

Old Age Day by Day October 11, 2012

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.  We moved a bunch of stuff out of two rooms and when the people came to fix our kitchen and dining room floors the refrigerator was STILL leaking after us supposedly fixing it a year ago.  So I have to get the guy here again, pray he can fix it today and everything is moved back.  This refrigerator has driven me crazy.  It's only 14 years old.  Is that how long they are supposed to last? 

On the laughing end, the A's are even with Detroit after an amazing ninth inning save, so tonight is the clincher.  Whoever wins goes on.  I think I'm almost as nervous about the game as the catastrophe in the kitchen!  Oh, well, deep breaths and maybe some prayers.

Old Age Day by Day October 10, 2012

I'm not exactly sure what to do with my granddaughter this afternoon.  It's overcast and we have done the Halloween thing already, chosen our pumpkins, bought decorations.  No movies are out that are remotely suitable for a seven year old.  We could walk to the pet store, and mosey around the toy store, and get her a cookie at the bakery.  Well, she may have an idea.  Her mom since a two minute video of my granddaughter reading to her four month old sister, and the sister is staring at her own hands, fascinated and cross eyed.  It's pretty funny.  My granddaughter tries to put her hands down, but up they pop again.  Baby is wondering what those things are?!  Getting your sister to pay attention is always a challenge, I imagine.  I had a younger brother, and he was always frustrating me.  He wouldn't play dolls and was into destroying my toys and sawing on furniture and finding snakes in the back yard.  You can't control your siblings worth a hoot. 

I wanted a sister, when I was a kid.  I inevitably bonded with other girls with only a brother.  My best friend in childhood had a much older brother.  My best friend now has three sisters, and I'm ever curious about how that works.  I can see there is competition and conflict, but still...and aunt for my kids would have been nice.  Someone who understands being a mother and wife.  But I'm romantising, I know.  My brother was an ally with me as a child, but as adults, our different genders made us approach life differently, and only estranged us more.  When our parents died, something unraveled.  Because as adults, we have differing views of the world, values, politics.  It could have been no different if he'd been a sister, but sometimes, I do wonder what I missed.

Old Age Day by Day October 9, 2012

Yesterday we had lunch with our younger son and looked at a couple of houses  he might consider putting an offer on.  It's a big, scary step, but exciting, too, and it's fun to imagine him living in each and how it would be different in each case.  He's been careful and cautious, and at some point there will be the pull that gets him making an offer.  I wish I had a crystal ball so I could advise him, but I was always in the dark when we bought each of the four homes we've owned.  Three turned out better than worse, and one was a mistake.  There are always surprises, like the fireplace which doesn't work and can't be fixed, the road you thought was bucolic and turns out a death trap, the difficult neighbor, the kindly older couple who vote the opposite of you but have hearts of gold.  It's a learning experience in flexibility and patience.  I HAVE learned:  never live with a septic tank, a rural spot with beautiful farms also has airplanes spraying pesticides at certain times of year, sidewalks matter, I don't want to live anywhere that I must get in a car to get to a store or civilization, never plant a garden too big and have ducks to eat the grasshoppers before they eat your garden.  That's the extent of my accumulated wisdom.  Buying a house is a RISK, a crap shoot, and yet, and yet, it feels great and it's fun dreaming of when you'll paint the kitchen or add a front porch. 

Old Age Day by Day October 8, 2012

We're shopping for a cheap rug for the kitchen today, as the floor is getting redone later in the week, and our old rug has been through a fire, floods and two dogs wallowing on it.  Then we're having lunch with our younger son and looking at houses.  He's seen a couple he likes, and I love his caution and carefulness.  He's been looking on and off for several years, and not rushing into anything.  It's a pretty fall day, and tomorrow it is supposed to rain (I'll believe it when I see it).  So today is a good day to see a house with the sun shining on it.  It makes a difference.

I'm reading a really terrific book after reading a really terrific book.  I finished Sherman Alexie's "Blasphemy" which is a collection of short stories, most of which took my breath away.  There is one about donkeys near the end that broke my heart.  Then I began Louise Erdrich's "The Round House" and it is mesmerizing.  It's narrator is a 13 year old boy, and his story is so gripping and effortless, and the bigger issues just slide on past his adolescent obsessions to make the whole story gripping and profound.  I can hardly put it down to do my chores.  They are two of my favorite Indian writers, and they are both clearly at the top of their game.

Old Age Day by Day October 7, 2012

I listened to a beautiful dharma talk this morning, one that made me cry.  It was about Shantideva's teaching "Live as if you were already dead", which sounds weird, but it means to live without hopes or fears.  I feel in my body the truth of that teaching - that we distract ourselves by dreaming up all kinds of "wantings", which we could truly enjoy each moment if we didn't freight it with so much pushing and pulling, attraction and aversion.

So when I returned home and discovered the A's had lost again, I was okay with it.  I'm happy they won the Division, I'm happy the two games have been close and could have gone either way.  I'm just happy they are the A's.  They have the best heart on that team in baseball.  And as my husband said, Detroit, like Oakland has a rough time of it as a city, so if they do win, they could use the boost.

We watched two oldies but goodies last night:  "Holiday" with Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn, and "Talk of the Town" with Cary Grant, Jean Arthur and Ronald Coleman.  The former is a terrific movie with a something interesting to say, and the latter is a debate about what the law is and isn't.  Both are funny, touching, well-acted and directed.  I'm quite doting on the subject of Grant, and his heyday was the early forties.  He just eats up the screen.  I love Jean Arthur as well, and I've adored Ronald Coleman since I saw him in "Tale of Two Cities" as a child.  Not only that, I made steak for dinner, and although I forgot to turn on the oven, so we did not have baked potatoes with it, my husband liked dinner well enough.  He ate all of his rib eye and half of mine!

Old Age Day by Day October 6, 2012

My friend and I did a little antique shopping yesterday, and enjoyed looking.  She bought nothing and I settled on a small, cheap table that had a painted bird on it.  I'm fascinated with birds lately.  But we oohed and aahed over jewelry, coins, teapots, plates and lamps.  My friend was looking at a pendant set in rose gold with butterscotch jade.  And truly, it looked like you could eat it; a really yummy color.  I drooled over a Native American cuff bracelet with inset that depicted a pueblo village.  I've never seen anything like it.  We found a small walnut table, just beautiful wood, that we both loved.  She fell for a lazy susan for Chinese new year, but we couldn't find out if the hand painted dishes would hold food without being ruined, so she decided not to risk it.  We managed to spend a couple of hours in this one store, just having fun dreaming.  Neither of us needs a thing.  But we are admirers.  We did the same thing in an outlet complex.  Lots of looking, but nothing we needed.  Then we had a lunch by the river and each ordered the same meal:  fish sandwich, cold slaw, and fries.  I hope we walked it off afterward! 

Old Age Day by Day October 4, 2012

Oh, boy.  The A's won the Division, and my granddaughter and I heard the 9th inning on the radio and screamed, along with my husband.  She and I had been to our favorite plant nursery and she had found A's pumpkins, and we were completely prepared for victory.  I've just finished hovering over the sports sections of the newspapers - so gratifying.  Yesterday I called my kids, except for the one who lives in another state, and they were just as excited.  It turned out our younger son had seen the two night games before yesterday's clincher. 

It was especially soothing, because I did not like the debate last night, and thought Romney's aggressive stance would be taken for being presidential, and from the papers, it seems it has.  I thought he insulted Jim Lehrer, and that he trampled all over the format and the moderator.  The public wants to see a fight, and dualism personified, and I wish we could get the discourse beyond black and white, rhetoric and sound bites.  I don't think we did, because the form of TV commands drama and pugilism and simplifying ideas.  I hate watching these things.  I feel diminished just sitting there like a sap.

Oh, well.  Back to the A's.  Ain't they grand?!

Old Age Day by Day October 3, 2012

Well, the A's won again, and gee, they might even cinch the Division today.  It's very happy late summer news, and it certainly takes the edge of the Fall doldrums.  I have my granddaughter this afternoon, and she and her family are rabid A's fans, so we'll probably be discussing the team.  At seven she's seen a lot more games her her years on earth than I have in those seven years.  We also will do a little Halloween decorating and stop for an ice cream for her and probably play games.  She's a lot of fun at this age, and she also likes to have heart to heart talks, which are endearing.

In the meantime we are getting estimates today for having our kitchen floor redone yet again.  It's not that old, about fourteen years, but there has been a fire, and two floods from the refrigerator, and this will be the fourth repair.  Of course, the heavy, claw footed dogs don't help either, or the chairs scraping back and forth from the table.  I should have gone with concrete.  It must be done.  We've reached the tipping point of standing the eyesore of it.  Then, onto painting, which I dread, but it must be done.  These old houses just nag at you until they get fixed.  I hear it loud and clear.

Old Age Day by Day October 2, 2012

Well, my beloved baseball team is in the playoffs!  I am thrilled!  I'd like to see them take the Division outright, but we'll see.  They're young, they're crazy, they are in love with baseball, as they should be.  May the force be with them.  I was so excited last night I couldn't get to sleep right away, and neither could my husband.  Okay, maybe it's not important in the larger scheme of things, but it's fun.

Now I've got to decide if I'm going to the game tonight, or if I'd be bad luck.  There is a whole lot of magical thinking in my baseball attitude.  I admit it.  I don't want to jinx the team.  They did win the last time I went, but the times before, well, it wasn't a pretty picture.  If I had a palm reader handy. 

Old Age Day by Day October 1, 2012

Well, howdy do.  It's October.  I don't know where September got off to.  So here comes Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I went in a craft store a couple of days ago and there was the whole season assaulting my eyes.  I was buying scrapbooks for my granddaughter's pictures, and it took a firm grip on my mind to not veer in the holiday isles.  And I don't even WANT to buy that stuff.  It's hypnotic. 

What I do want to do today is get an LED lantern and more flashlights and a battery radio, because on Saturday we lost power for one hour two separate times, and it made me realize all my emergency stuff has migrated to the cabin, which is good, the power often goes out up there, but I am ill prepared here for an earthquake.  Sitting in a dark room my flashlight was NOT a romantic way to have our dinner.  And my husband had to drive out to get our meal in an area with electricity, or otherwise we would have had cold sandwiches. 

My lack of preparation reminds me that I think like the herds.  We borrow with no ability to repay if things go south, we don't plan sensibly, then get angry at officials for not having the water and food and things we need to survive.  We're like helpless babies.  I like to think of myself as sensible, but I do not have tucked away cash in the house, or extra toliet paper etc.  I used to, then got blaise.  No more.  I'm going to stock up today, not out of negativity, but knowing I'm not helpless and should not act that way, and because it is so easy, and I will not think well of myself if something happens and I have not at least done these few preparations that are wise.  Mother nature does not promise us the unalienable right to electricity and clean water and food and shelter.  She's got other things on her mind.

Old Age Day by Day September 28, 2012

My younger daughter snuck into the house early this morning before work to borrow some pjs.  It's pajama day at her school, and I assume she figured her mom would have the most ridiculous pajamas.  What does this say about my style and taste?!  I dare not think.  She took the green apple pjs, but I have not idea how she's going to keep the pants up, as I am the apple shape not she.  Anyway, she figures the kids will be so wired with the costuming that no work will get done anyway, so if the pants fall down it will be in keeping with the circus atmosphere.

It's pretty deary here and foggy, and I've already conned my husband into seeing a matinee film later, as I'm going stir crazy with lack of plans this week.  I like to get out every day, and he's content walking the dogs and being done with the world.  Yes, we are an extrovert and an introvert.  It's a classic battle.  Luckily, almost all my friends are extroverts as well as the kids, so I have people to do things with.  And he is willing to hold the fort down at home.  Too willing, in my book.

Old Age Day by Day September 27m 2012

Well, I did not do my driving test, because they wanted the form from my eye doctor which was the sole reason I came in 21 days ago when I presented it to them.  They neglected to tell me I needed to bring it in yet again, when I did the test.  They made me reschedule Oct. 18, and I have to bring in the form that I already brought in last time.  I will be grinding my teeth a great deal today, I can just feel it.  So I still have the temporary license, but all that anxiety from last night and this morning wasted!  Only to be whipped up again in two weeks.  Ye gods!

I was going to celebrate if I passed the test.  I think I'll just celebrate not losing my mind completely.  I was very mature with the DMV guy, very gracious.  No yelling, just jokey and friendly.  But inside, a tyrannasaurus rex was raging.  "This is idiotic," I wanted to say.  "I could be back with the form in 15 minutes, can't you squeeze me in?"  But maybe by then my frame of mind would have made me run over a pedestrian or worse.  This is how they rid the state of licensed drivers.  Getting the numbers down of legit drivers, so the manics without licenses, who have been driven crazy by the rules, just take us out like bowling pins. 

Oh, well, I still stick by the truth that the DMV employees are really, really nice and friendly.  But I really, really don't want to see any of them ever again.

Old Age Day by Day September25, 2012

Tomorrow I have my DMV driving test, because of my eyes.  I'm nervous and though I know I drive fine, it's like when you see a police car and feel like you're about to get arrested, though you aren't actually guilty of anything.  I imagine a car around me doing something sudden and crazy and me doing the wrong thing, or not looking long and carefully enough, or not being able to merge into the lane on the freeway.  There are so many ways it could go wrong.  I need a tranquillizer!  On the other hand, they absolutely should test me, and I am not the best judge of my driving.  Oh, heck, I'm just going to have to make the through the test and survive either way!  I have to remember not to hit another car or pedestrian or bicyclist - and where I live that's a daily challenge.

My friend called last night and said her son and his wife are expecting their second child.  That was really great news, and I'm so happy for her and them.  They are fabulous parents and it will be adorable to be a witness again to their wise and gentle treatment of their children.  And it is so fun to be a kind of distant Auntie to the kids.  Happy news being shared is one of the great perks of friendships.