I've been wondering about patience, the word and connotations, as my study group is reading Shantideva and concentrating on his chapter on patience. Patience implies an outcome and the expectation of it. So am I really being patient if I expect to gain something by practicing it? If I am "acting as if" I am patient until it kicks in and I truly become patient, then the gaining is not a distraction, I suppose. But if I am expecting a reward, then I'm not being patient, merely calculating. So patience must be about letting go, truly letting go of outcome and attachment to whatever is, in my delusion, to be gained.
So maybe I won't be more noble, pure and above it all with patience. Certainly not if I am congratulating myself for not rushing to anger or judgment. If I keep reminding myself I "Don't Know" as my teacher says, then I can be in the moment without thinking of future and past. So patience is about one moment, and then perhaps another, and then another. Afterwards, surprise that anger didn't arise, or if it did, I let it go. I let go of the outcome.
I think this patience business is very tricky and can be made devious. What I hope to do is notice how patience feels in my body and let that be my motivator for the practice. Thinking about it creates a story that confuses me and is also discouraging. So - I will try to be patient about patience. Oh, dear!
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