Old Age Day by Day March 30, 2012

We're off this morning for our anniversary weekend getaway.  It's overcast, threatening rain, just as it traditionally is on our anniversary.  This may be heavy symbolism, but I prefer to think of it as an unwise decision of the time of the year to marry.  Of course, we're both impulsive enough that not much planning went into the day, date or anything else.  We were moving to a new town and parked outside the flat we'd just rented and my husband said we should get married, and a month later, we were.  There were 17 people at the wedding, including my two toddlers and our friends two toddlers.  We had a reception in my parents' back yard, and I wore a bridesmaid's dress I'd found for forty dollars in Macy's.  The food came from a deli and we picked out the clothes, cake and everything on the Saturday before.  I wore a dotted swiss old fashioned Austen kind of dress with pink and green flowers and a pink hat with a green ribbon.  My husband rented a tux.  We found the gold band at Target.  We had no honeymoon, because we were worried about leaving the kids, they were so young and confused about the whole enterprise.  We wanted to begin our new life in our new town married, and we did.  It happened to be spring, and although it was sprinkling on and off that day, we managed to have pictures under my parents' cherry tree and not much sogginess.  We had not considered that the next day would be April Fool's Day, but I kind of like that idea.  What is marriage?  A lot of surprises.  It took us 16 years to have a honeymoon, and by then we had two more kids.  A friend took care of our younger two, as we had taken care of hers, and we flew to Paris and Nice.  It was magical, and our tiny hotel was next to the Chanel Boutique, and every morning we glided by models in black smoking.  Very strange and wonderful.  The cliche "life is what happens when we're busy making plans" is too true.

Old Age Day by Day March 29, 2012

I just finished a strange book by Richard Powers, called "Generousity".  It is a novel, but circles around the idea of what happiness is, for us humans.  But it tackles how much of our disposition is genetic, how much environment, and how much is our own will.  It's pretty gripping.  I will be thinking about it for a long time.  Of course, the definition of happiness is key, and if the cultural definition is all we grab onto, then we're going to sink like a stone.  But if happiness is a moment to moment awareness of the preciousness of life, and joy in aliveness, we can have quite a bit of that if we are lucky enough to not be burdened with a chemical imbalance.  When we were watching the PBS film on Jefferson, I thought of the phrase "Pursuit of Happiness" and how it has been interpreted.  The emphasis should be on pursuit, and not happiness.  Because maybe some people feel they'll be happy rampaging with a rifle, and others exploiting small children.  How do you guarantee pursuit?  Perhaps you attempt to equalize opportunity and avoid the class system, or leave people free to make their own choices where possible.  But could the Founding Fathers have imagined the world we live in and its pursuits?  I doubt it. 

I'd have liked to have seen a Declaration of Independence that acknowledged prominently the interdependence of human beings, and respect for all life.  I believe the Constitution struggled to describe that world, but was not specific enough.  So we go around in this country with the myth of independence, and the posturing, and the destructive results of that posturing.  Which gets back to generousity of spirit, and communal will.  I'd like to see more pursuit of that.

Old Age Day by Day March 28, 2012

I forgot to put in my tooth guard last night, so probably I've cracked ten teeth.  Even ingrained habits can be broken.  I didn't even notice I hadn't put it in.  No, I did not have a glass of wine or anything alcoholic last night.  I maybe was too engrossed in my ear being plugged up.  It's driving me crazy.  I'm talking too loudly and can't hear well.  It's quite amazing how these little ordinary glitches annoy, like bees buzzing.  I've got plenty to distract me today.  I'm having lunch with a friend and need to go to the store, and think about packing for our three day trip.  Then there is filtering through the news which gets in my brain whether I read the paper or watch the news or not.  How to process all the murders and corruption and violence and drones and dangerous nuclear reactors.  Answer:  I can't.  I listen to music and read selectively and leave the rest.  I can't take it all in, I can't answer all appeals or write letters to every group or even be well informed without an effort that would drown out the rest of my life.  I pray for everyone and leave it at that.

This attitude may be escapist, but it keeps my teeth from being ground down to nubs and me having to sip meals through a straw.  The world can't be completely let in; there need to be dams and hydrolic devices to keep the flooding at bay.  The trick is to get the balance right.

Old Age Day by Day March 27, 2012

I'm in the world of uploading software updates, and it's challenging.  Even with my older son's help, I struggle.  Oh, well, the old brain can only handle so much at a time, and so can my internet provider.  In the meantime, I began writing something yesterday that pleases me, and makes me smile.  Where will it go?  I never have any idea.  It could be a short story if it had a plot.  So maybe I'll think of plots, but not in a bad way.  I tried watching "Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy" last night and was admitedly bored, so I stopped it.  It's great acting, but so dreary and time dated that seeing it a second time, I wonder if it is too accurate for a a gray, cold war period.  If it hadn't been for Benedict Cumberbatch, it might be an unbearable movie.  He manages to be amusing and lighten up every scene he's in.

So I switched to the old movie "Julia" with Fonda and Redgrave, and just watching Redgrave's face made up for the whole movie, which is boring when she's not there.  What an amazing face.  I remember when she won the supporting Oscar, and gave an impassioned plea for Palestine.  So maybe it wasn't such great acting, playing Julia, but her incandescence made her extraordinary on screen.  Meryl Streep has a small role, dark haired and bitchy.  It was fun to see her before she had a name. 

So I guess I'll continue to write this nebulous piece I began, and see if it takes on a life of it's own.  I like the narrator, anyway.

Old Age Day by Day March 26, 2012

I feel changes on the horizon.  Maybe it's spring, but I feel like traveling, and writing, and trying something new.  So now the question is what.  This week we're going away for 3 days and midApril we'll be away 10 days.  I'm ready.  There really is an effect of the winter months, and all it takes is the days getting longer and the light longer in the evenings, and I'm energized.  I wrote two poems the other day, and it felt so good.  I've already made a big shift, finding a new Buddhist teacher, since my teacher for many years is gearing down and retiring more.  I feel supported anew, and that brings back the joy of being on a path, a path I trust will serve me well and allow me to be kind to myself and others.  And there is so much joy in my heart lately, even when I am feeling sad or worried or confused.  Because everyday joy is available to me through all of the ups and downs we all experience.  The flowering dogwood, tulip trees pink against the sky, the dogs snoozing on the couch, laughing with a friend over something dumb one of us has done.  It's all good.

Old Age Day by Day March 25, 2012

I danced my butt off last night at my friend's 60th birthday party.  It was great fun.  I love to dance, but never get the chance, and even though my husband didn't want to, I had plenty of women friends to dance with.  I felt and good shape and healthy and glad to be among friends.  Today I went to meditation and my teacher's dharma talk, and the experience was like putting bookends to my life.  On one end, my dear friends and family, and on the other, my spiritual practice.  They hold me up, elevate me, even.  And boy do I need elevating.  I used to be 5 ' tall, but I lost an inch this year.  The incredible shrinking old lady.  Well, old or not, I can still boogie to motown pretty damn good!

Old Age Day by Day March 24, 2012

Today is my friend's 60th birthday.  She's having a big bash with a ton of people.  I'm all in favor of celebrating these milestones.  I have a red dress and I am steppin' out tonight.

In the meantime, it's raining and a mountain of laundry is awaiting, and the ordinary moments are clustering around waiting for some attention.  I need to get a birthday card and some other cards.  Yes, I'm that old that I still like to send a regular card through the mail.  I have yet to do Evites and that sort of thing.  I'm fine if someone else does, it just is not me.  So much of my life has carried the import of letters and handwriting and notes.  I've saved almost everything ever written in the last quarter century.  Yes, some day I'll sort through and get rid of a lot, as none of my kids would be remotely interested.  But I'm waiting for an auspicious occasion and the right containers to seal up these voices from the past.  Now people have videos and Facebook.  I respect that.  I'm just not of that age.

So tonight I'm going dancing, and 60 is sounding younger and younger, and celebration is perfect for my friend.  She will see all the people and family who love her, and she has a great partner, so life is good for her.  And she knows it.

Old Age Day by Day March 23, 2012

My husband and I are heading out to see the gardens my friend and I visited a couple of weeks ago.  We need the beauty break right now.  I'm excited to share them with him and see them again myself.  It's supposed to rain this weekend, so this venture will shore us up.  Gardens and art do wonders for my mood.  Maybe next week I'll go to a couple of museums.  I have my favorites in every museum, that I like to check on and vivify in my mind.  They are old friends, and I come and admire them.  There is a Diego Rivera at the MOMA I'm especially fond of and two Marsden Hartley friends.  Other museums have their treasures as well.  But today, it will be nodding to daffodils and tulips and hyacinths, drinking in their colors and the spectacular beauty of their brief appearance before the roses and fruit trees take over the show.

Olkd Age Day by Day March 22, 2012

Last night my husband and I watched a PBS film about Thomas Jefferson.  It was three hours, but we became so absorbed that we sat through the whole thing.  We both ended up not liking the man as much as we expected to.  He was a "Southern Gentleman" in all the ways I find abhorrent, and the slavery issue is just an impossible fact to get over.  I sympathized with the many deaths in his family, but not his indulgences and running up of debts and then, of course, there is the issue of Sally Hemings.  She was 14 years old when he probably began his sexual alliance with her, and he never acknowledged or freed her or his children during his lifetime.  His constant work on Monticello reminded me of the Winchester Mystery House, and though the landscape is beautiful, it is not a lovely house.  I grant his way with words; he was a beautiful writer, but he didn't do much as President, unless the Louisiana Purchase is your empiric idea of joy.  He mourned the death of his fragile young wife, but six children in ten years is what killed her.  Perhaps some restraint would have been in order. 

Anyway, my husband and I surprised ourselves by liking John Adams much better, for his forthrightness, his abolitionist efforts, his energy and passion.  Jefferson was a kind of diletante, and he was not a man reconciled to his own contradictions.  The film calls him mysterious, but underlying that is discomfort with some very obvious facts of his life.  I sense someone pursuing distractions and fine wines and the propertied gentleman's life over responsibility and integrity.  He was infinitely handsome, and perhaps that has swayed historians, as it does many of us. 

Old Age Day by Day March 21, 2012

First day of spring, and it sure looks like it!  I took a walk with a friend, and the trees are out, the flowers are up everywhere and the air mild.  We said we felt blessed just to be alive at this moment.  And it's the little moments that make for joy.  The big events have too much stress and expectation and get complicated really quickly, so you tell yourself you should be happy, but you are actually feeling confused and perhaps disappointed.  A blossoming tree never disappoints.  The birdsongs have a positive impact.  The sun on my head feels like a gentle hand. 

I even have the door open to my studio, and can see the dogs sunning themselves and almost feel their warm fur.  This moment is wondrous.

Old Age Day by Day March 20, 2012

I've finished my crow book, and am at loose ends, so a trip to the bookstore is on my agenda for today.  I found the writing touching, illuminating and profound.  The writer is Haupt and it's called "Crow Planet".  She does what the best writers do, heightens your awareness and joy in the world.  I am constantly amazed at the number of writers all around the planet, stunning me with their talent and knowledge.  They make my tiny corner a brighter place.

Today I have my foster granddaughter, and am thinking up what we could do.  Perhaps another trip to the nursery where we love to look at plants.  I assume they have their nests and bunnies and other decorations ready for Easter and nesting seems particularly appropriate since her mom is having a baby in May.  The baby shower Saturday was delightful, with everyone so full of joy for the family.  And I met a charming woman from Bolivia who lives in Houston, and we got on like a house afire.  We laughed and told stories.  I love these chance encounters when a real connection is made, and you exchange a bit of heart at a single sitting.  We recognized each other. 

Old Age day by Day March 19, 2012

I talked to my childhood friend last night.  She lives in New York now.  She had phoned me the day before but I was out.  It's as if she knew something was disturbed in my atmosphere.  So I told her about our son's divorce, and we caught up with all the kids and grandkids.  She has three kids, all married and five grandchildren, plus another coming in June.  I love to hear about them, and her mother, who is in her nineties and still going strong.  My friend is someone I'd hesitated to reconnect with but finally she came out last summer, and it went well.  We "caught up" and now touch base occasionally, and she tells me news of the tiny town where we grew up.  Last night, she said a friend of ours, a guy who was like another girlfriend in our pack, had died of an aneuryism.  He had a good life, with a wonderful marriage and kids and grandkids.  But I thought of him as he was back then, a tall, gangly boy who probably had a crush on my friend, but was wise enough to be buddies with us and joke and laugh and take care of us.  What a sweet guy he was.  One of those men who women overlook because they have no "edge", and who are the best companions for a life together.  This is the sad part of life at my age, the goodbyes and memories left waving in the wind, like ribbons from a package slowly unraveling in the sky.

But we managed to giggle a lot on the phone as well, and there was a feeling of being in the same boat together, drifting towards an unknown shore, but merrily, merrily, we row along.

Old Age Day by Day March 18, 2012

I had a lovely sitting this morning then we listened to a taped Dharma talk, and I feel balanced and ready to engage fully in this life I've been blessed with.  When my husband and I returned from a very late lunch, our female dog was greeting us at the door.  She escaped out of the kitchen, but our male dog cannot.  She was excited and pleased with herself.  She'd not done anything wrong, but if you have the mind of a Houdini, what can you do?  She's too smart.  Now she's lying outside in the sun during our brief break from rain, and getting ready to face imprisonment if the torrents approach.  I'm doing the same thing, metaphorically, at least. 

So I may exercise to my video, or read more in "Crow Planet", or polish my shoes, or call back a friend I missed yesterday.  It's all good.

Old Age Day by Day March 17, 2012

I had my study group this morning and soon go to the baby shower for my foster granddaughter's mom.  Then, I may get to see a friend of ours who is dying.  Birth and death.  Like that.  Our study group is reading Shantideva's "The Bodhisatva's Way of Life", and concentrating on the chapters on presence and patience.  It is difficult material, because our culture pressures us into anticipation and expectation.  We don't take time for what is so in the moment.  I'm reading a book called "Crow Planet", about observing the crows and ravens around us, and the author points out that many people have not consciously noticed how many crows we have now, right around us.  But when we do take note, there is much of interest and more to learn.  Look up, look out, look around.  I love doing that in my dotage.

Old Age Day by Day March 16, 2012

I'd wanted to go to the same gardens I visited last week, but pouring rain is making that a really dumb plan.  Luckily for me, "Trout Fishing in the Yemen" is out, and we can do a matinee.  I have an early engagement tonight watching my foster granddaughter in an interminably loud and incredibly close talent show at her public school.  She's doing a Tahitian dance.  I assume, as per last year, there will be endless magicians (my favorite) and dance numbers where the kids look like deer in the headlights and aspiring Michael Jacksons and a few ballerinas.  In the audience kids will be bungling, babies crying, parents taking pictures and pointing and noise drowning out whatever is on stage.  Not relaxing, but de rigieur for the grandmotherly type such as myself.

Add to that the rain, the boots, umbrellas, raincoats, puddles and dark as we get out, and I dream only of a helicopter and me descending a ladder and ascending again without need to park, get stuck in traffic and fear children darting across the streets in the dark.  Oh, well, tonight will be the big cahuna, and the baby shower tomorrow will seem placid by comparison.  This is a weekend devoted to my favorite six year old.

Old Age Day by Day March 15, 2012

Our family is in the throes this week of shock at a second divorce.  So now both our married kids are divorcing, and we've gone down two family members.  There is a lot of weeping and sadness, and though I know all this will pass, and maybe will be for the best, it feels like rejection and loss.  We're trying to support our son, and he is living with us for a time, until he gets his life sorted out, but I feel a sense of failure, like we've been terrible parents.  I know that's taking things too personally, and I can't protect my kids, but boy do the feelings come up.  I think of all our efforts and generousity, and feel resentment.  So all these nasty, petty feelings surface, when neither divorce is about that or me.  I'll rise above it, but right now I'm shaken, as is my husband.  I feel grateful they have no children, and confident they will both find new partners and happier lives, but right now it's being a witness to suffering, and staying steady is hard.

The intense rain doesn't help the mood much around here, but we're having the plumber come out, and going to the grocery store and doing the ordinary tasks that are comforting at times like these.  I'm thankful for everyone's health and have faith in the kids' strength and love of life.  You're either in this life, or dreaming through it, and I'd rather be awake and experience ALL of it. 

Old Age Day by Day March 14, 2012

I'm sopped.  Just got back from walking the dogs in the rain with my husband.  Despite the boots, raingear and unbrella, I'm a drippy mess.  We didn't take them out at all yesterday, so we felt obligated, but a river runs through it, namely, our town.  And there is no river, normally.  This afternoon I have to drive up and back to my son's house, so I'm going to be mighty careful.  And people drive like idiots here in the rain.  It's like watching an alternate universe.  The rain makes everybody crazy.

But I got to wear my new rainboots, which I bought while visiting my daughter and on her advice.  She lives in REAL rain country, so she knows her boots.  So far I really like them.  I didn't feel myself slipping once.  I wasn't dancing through the puddles like Gene Kelly, but I was steadfast and stable.  My little granddaughter's favorite movie is "Singing in the Rain".  I think she loves the music part, but also the sheer joy of the film.  You can't not grin.  "What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again".

Old Age Day by Day March 13, 2012

Well, what do you know!?!  It IS raining.  Our thirsty garden is drinking it up.  I think I can hear the plants sighing.  I could hear the rain last night and was comforted by it, and this morning I actually have to figure out when and how to walk the dogs, instead of plunging right outside.  I'm thinking of inside activities and not a lot of getting in the car.  I always think of our younger daughter, with no outside recess for her kindergarteners and first graders.  It's a challenge, but she'll survive. 

Hey, we actually put up the chair pads on the outside furniture.  How prescient is that?  I practically have psychic powers.  I could be the advisor to the stars, that is, if they were talking from their perch in the sky. 

Old Age Day by Day March 12, 2012

It was supposed to rain today, but it's brightly sunny.  It might as well have, since I went to the dentist to be tortured by a lot of digital xrays.  The camera they put in your mouth feels like an oxen's metal bite and weighs as much.  Finally, I told them I'd had enough for today, after they kept telling me to relax my tongue and treating me like a bad child.  I've got to find a new dentist.  Every time I go there there is someone new and they have an aggressive sales pitch for various things.  Enough is enough.  I'm too nice for my own good.

So for a few weeks are older son is living with us, and we have adjustments to make, but it's so nice to have him around.  He's been traveling a lot the last few years, and when he's home he usually lives on hour and a half away, so we're arranging our lives so we can have space and togetherness in a comfortable balance. 

Things change. 

Old Age Day by Day March 11, 2012

My head is still swimming with visions of daffodils and tulips and narcissus at the National Trust Estate my friend and I visited yesterday.  There were acres of blooming fruit trees, bulbs everywhere and the smell of spring humming around us.  It was bliss.  I brought home a pot of daffodils, and think dreamily of walking in the gardens and basking in the sun.  I remember my mother talking about this place, which is close to where she used to live, and I can see why she loved to go there.  The house is charming, too, warm and well furnished, and although large, it feels cosy and inviting.  How fortunate that the property has been preserved and so lovingly cared for.  The gardens are as marvelous as anything in Europe I've seen; elegant and colorful and full of huge old trees and bushes.  The trip was a gift from my friend for last Christmas, and wow, what a present1

I wish I could say that it has inspired me to garden vigorously at home, but actually it has only made me determined to go back when the roses are blooming and the fruit is on the trees.  It's a little bit of heaven, and I'd like to visit again.

Old Age Day by Day March 10, 2012

Our older son just won a prestigious award for grad students, and we're so happy for him.  It's money and encouragement and he thinks it will be a guarantee of a good job.  He's worked a lot of hard and lonely hours, so he deserves it.  Our kids have accomplished so much, and all the while remaining decent, kind people.  I feel lucky.  It feels like a lot of celebrating will be going on this spring and next.  Two masters degrees, a Phd, and probably a few surprises as well.  I love being a witness to the unfolding of my kids' lives.  Sometimes it's painful, but it is always interesting and surprising.  This part of parenthood is where you are powerless to protect them, don't know what path they should take, but are amazed and how well they do on their own. 

Old Age Day by Day March 9, 2012

I'm making an Indian feast for dinner as friends of my husband are coming over.  I love the food and a good excuse to indulge.  I need to stock up on spices and coconut and other delightful shopping, and it's a beautiful day for it.  And on Sunday our older son returns from London, and we have not seen him since November.  Plus, tomorrow a friend and I are going to gardens and exploring a landscape we have not seen before.  So, it's all good.  Gratitude arises.  No effort needed.

Old Age Day by Day March 8, 2012

I'm about to go off to my therapy appointment.  I look forward to it, because I value her advice and perspective.  I go once a month to "check in", and I have a couple of things I want to run by her this time.  A therapist, like a Buddhist teacher, is a witness to my intentions and my actions.  They often see a situation in a way I cannot yet grasp.  And they make suggestions, usually incredibly simple, which ease my life and relationships.  I need a lot of help fending off my rescuing tendencies, and also my desire to "talk things out".  Sometimes talking is not the best policy; sometimes I need to listen and observe, then mull what I think I've seen over later.

But I have great gratitude for these people who take an interest in how I'm wandering in the world.  They trust me to find my way, and I trust them for useful directions.

Old Age Day by Day March 7, 2012

Yesterday my foster granddaughter and I watched "Annie Get Your Gun".  First she asked me if there were any bad guys.  I thought and said, no.  What a novel idea!  I was surprised myself.  Disney movies ALWAYS have a bad guy, well, actually, it's usually a WOMAN.  But no, this musical has no bad guys and the problem in the movie is Annie Oakley and Frank Butler are hot headed.  It's their tempers and Frank's swelled head that keep them from their happy ending for a while.  She loved the costumes, the songs and especially "Anything you can do I can do better".  We sang it after with our own words until her dad picked her up.  And hey, I figure she learned there was a real wild west heroine who bested the guys all over the world, and looked mighty pretty doing it.  Betty Hutton was a great comedienne, and Howard Keel was his usual grinning, goodnatured songbird.  And my granddaughter learned about Sitting Bull, Buffalo Bill Cody and Shawnee Bill.  What's not to like?

The song "Got no Diamonds, Got No Pearls" is a great message, too:  "I got the sun in the morning and the moon in the evening and the stars at night".  Still I'm grateful for what I've got.  Hummmm.  What a radical concept.

Old Age Day by Day March 6, 2012

My husband and I had an interesting conversation over lunch yesterday.  I was explaining that I have never been attracted to "authorities".  (We had been talking about the Vatican and the contraception issue)  As a child I felt injustice in the arbitrary (sometimes) power of my parents, and I was trained by them to ask questions and think for myself.  My husband thought I meant I knew more than anybody else, but I clarified:  I know more about MYSELF than anyone else.  I ask for expertise, and love being a student, but about myself, I cede no power over to another.  Yes, people can hurt me, yes, people can help me, but I am the one choosing to let in their opinions.  I check everything I observe against my own feelings and experiences.  I definitely have always thought of myself as spiritual, but I do not bow to the authority of any religion.  My Buddhist path encourages me to look inside myself and trust me, which accords with my behavior all my life.  I let myself learn from my mistakes in judgment and feeling.  Life is a risk, and my life is unique.  There is no formula that suits me completely.  I have freely chosen to make my major intention to not harm myself or others.  Because my heart has always pulled that way, and I do not wish to cause suffering to others.  But I take all responsibility for this life and my actions, so I cannot rest in an authority or institution.  I'm necessarily adversarial to rules and regulations of the conduct of human beings.  I respect others choices, and wish for the same.

My husband and I have a long marriage, almost 38 years, but we are always finding new subjects to discuss and explaining each other differently.  We are changing, have changed many times, and so we meet in this moment, and it's new and fresh.  I love that secret about marriage.

Old Age Day by Day March 5, 2012

We were awakened at 5:30 am by an earthquake.  It must have been centered nearby, as it was quite a shake, though brief.  It startled the dogs, and they had to be let outside to bark at mother nature.  Amazingly, I went back to sleep.  With earthquakes, there isn't much to do.  They are usually over before you can get downstairs and out the door or under a table.  Just another reminder that I am not in control of anything, and my life can change in an instant.  I already knew that, but it never hurts to have a reality check.  I'm in the majority of of people here who know a big one is coming, but are not ready for preemptive measures.  We like where we live too much.  When I was in my early twenties, and living up north, there occurred three big earthquakes in the space of eight hours.  Some of our new friends, who had relocated from Rapid Falls, South Dakota, because their company and had moved, were deeply frightened by the quakes.  They had deposits on houses and had picked the colors of their appliances and were adjusting, but after the quakes, many of the couples moved back to South Dakota, sans jobs.  The next year a devastating flood hit Rapid City and pretty much wiped out the town.

So I'm not sure there is a guaranteed island of safety, where nature does not raise it's head and rattle a few inhabitants of it's domain.  That time I took the baby and stayed with my parents for a few days until the aftershocks calmed down.  I've never forgotten the feel of that night, rushing to the baby's crib and my husband pulling him out by his feet, huddling with many others in the apartment complex by the pool until a second quake sloshed the pool like a plastic tub, then, exhausted in early morning, venturing back inside to have a third quake hit and the tv, bookshelves and pictures fall over again.  Some buildings crumbled, some people died, and a lot of stuff broke.  And that is when you realize stuff is stuff, and if you're alive and unharmed, you're damned lucky.  Not smart, not well planned out, just lucky.

Old Age Day by Day March 4, 2012

I had a delightful time with my granddaughter and daughter, and feel like my heart connection has been reestablished.  We played store, dressup, restaurant, going on a trip, riding in a boat, and we read and danced and sang.  We had a long talk about death while she was in the bath one night, because her dad's father recently died.  She was clarifying for me that I wasn't as old as him, which is true, I'm about sixteen years younger, and I could see her fear and I hope I reassured her that even when I do die, my love will be all around her.  The main gift I give her, is I am willing to stay in the house all day and she doesn't have to get in the car seat and be dragged around to school, etc.  I am retired, so I can be still with her.  We have peaceful, quiet days, mostly.  And when we do go out, it is to the children's museum or strolling her dolly in her stroller and looking at crocuses and daffodils.

Now I'm making the transition back to an adult world.  Both have their merits, and I'm grateful I have access to the wonder of the child and the contemplation of the adult.