Old Age Day by Day April 30, 2012

I had a mammogram and bone density test this morning.  Fun city.  There is always the unknown permeating the waiting room - a sidebar of fear.  We are all in it together, but some of us will be called back and will not be off the hook for a year.  Being female, being older, being human.  Vulnerability makes us united, for brief moments, with strangers.

I spent the time during the mammogram chatting with the technician about mystery books.  She gave me a recommendation and I had one for her.  In this way we showed there were no hard feelings.  We were in a small room together, I was half naked, she had to twist my breasts like pretzels, and it was understood that everyone meant well, no harm done.  And the bigger mystery of our bodies was avoided.

Now I'm going to run errands, go shopping with my son, and figure out what to make for dinner.  And I'll appreciate every ordinary, mindless task.  I had a brush with mystery this morning, and I won't forget it until the results come in.

Old Age Day by Day April 29, 2012

I've got a headache, very rare for me.  I even took two aspirin.  I sat outside with a friend after meditation in the noonday sun without a hat - not too smart.  Other than fried brain, I feel good, it's a beautiful day, and I had a beef hot dog for lunch for the first time in years.  It tasted delicious, smothered in mustard and red onions.  Now my mouth is burning and I wouldn't dare breathe on anyone, but it was worth it.  I had a good talk with my friend.  She is my swim buddy for our Buddhist practice, and her advice and guidance is a special part of my life.  Today's dharma talk was about awareness, and I'm beginning to understand and recognize it when it happens moment to moment.  I notice the thought patterns and ego of my mind, but there is a detachment from any investment in them.  I feel permission to notice without judgment or disturbance.  Underneath, I listen and look and observe and live without past or future intruding.  It's the ultimate freedom.

So I may go lie down for a while, as I'm noticing the headache, and the noise from the pool next door and my husband clearing his throat and a bird singing and the dogs basking in the sun and the movement of wind in the trees and the keys of the computer tapping.  It's all good.

Old Age Day by Day April 28, 2012

April is almost over, and we're having summery weather, and a bunch of new plants have popped up in the garden, mainly irises.  What a nice welcome home!  I had a lovely time on our trip, seeing friends and our daughter and granddaughter.  But it's always good to get back.  I have a lot of preparation to do for our younger daughter's MA graduation, and that is a happy task indeed.  Plus, cleaning, buying more dog food, groceries and decorations.  I slip into these tasks with some comfort, as they are so familiar to me. 

Our granddaughter had an overly exciting birthday, overwhelmed by the gifts, the lead up to the party, and the friends, and she handled everything well, joyous at the running around in the back yard and the cake.  She needed nothing more, really.  Her mother made two luscious cakes, chocolate for the birthday girl, and vanilla with pink frosting for those less adventurous.  Her daddy made the ice cream, and it was a great day for ice cream, as it was around 80 degrees.  Next day was her little celebration at school, with fresh raspberries, pretzels and carrot sticks, and it was sweet to witness that as well.  I'm lucky to be a part of her joy, and it is sustaining.

At my age, I appreciate every ritual and benchmark.  Each reminds me of others, and that I won't be here for many more.  A fourth birthday party is a treasure for my heart.

Old Age Day by Day April 18, 2012

I have a thing for elephants.  Thus, I have been given elephant tea towels, elephant purses, elephant scarves, elephant earrings; you get the idea.  Where this comes from I have no idea.  Maybe seeing "Dumbo" as a kid, or my fascination with India, which predates marrying a man of South Asian origins.  I gravitate towards them in the zoo, and am, at the same time, tortured by their lack of space and loneliness.  When I was in India and our rickshaw passed an elephant slauntering down the street, I felt dropped into a magical world.  And like the bear, which is my totem, these creatures are huge, and dangerous.  They are being pushed and squeezed out by people, and they need SPACE.  They are threatened.  Is all this a mirror of my own psychology?  Do I feel like a large underdog?  I doubt it, but something resonates, and I respect that.

I'm connected.  And if I'm connected to elephants, then, heck I figure I'm connected to every living thing, and our crowded world, and our shrinking habitat and our need to KEEP IN OUR FAMILY GROUPS.  The elephants show us we have certain basic needs, and they haven't evolved.  We still need food, shelter, safe habitat, social relationships, family, and to be free from being hunted down and killed.  And a lot of us on this planet, human and other, are not safeguarded our basic rights.  Trayvon was one of us.

Old Age Day by Day April 15, 2012

My foster granddaughter's dog had to be put to sleep.  I know she's going to miss him.  We were talking about him on Thursday and I was trying to explain about dog years and human years.  The dog was her Dad's, who has been dead six years.  So there is another link gone, but luckily, she has a great new stepdad and they have a baby on the way.  So there is much to be joyful about.  And she unlike most young kids has already had a tremendous loss in her life.  I'm glad I have the dogs here for her to bungle with.  And I'm grateful we have the kind of relationship where we talk about the big issues, even though she is six and I am sixty six. 

I'll call her later, and we'll talk.  That's what friends do.

Old Age Day by Day April 13, 2012

Well, well, well.  Friday the Thirteenth, again.  We had quite the dramatic thunderstorms last night, and I had visions of our cedar trees coming down on top of the house, but there was no damage, and the rapids of waters have receded and all is calm and bright.  I don't remember ever having such thunder and lightning around here, though I remember it in other states as a child and as an adult in Colorado.  Today is the beginning of a warming up and sunny skies, so I'm cheerful about the weekend.  In the meantime, perhaps a bit of housecleaning and organizing before we leave next week on our trip. 

Yesterday I had a lovely day with my foster granddaughter.  We played Uno and Hearts for two hours, went out to lunch at our favorite ice cream parlour, then saw a matinee of "The Secret World of Arriety".  The animation was gorgeous, and the story from the children's books "The Borrowers".  We also gardened and worked on felt birds for mobiles for her and the coming baby.  I won't see her for couple of weeks now, and I felt a pang about it.  We still laugh a lot and I notice my husband is around us more and more, attempting to amuse her.  She's just a delightful little being. 

So my gratitude far outweighs the ominous date, and I'm looking forward to a lovely weekend.

Old Age Day by Day April 11, 2012

I visited my friend and her granddaughter today.  The baby is beautiful, happy and active.  It was delightful to be around her.  I brought her a stuffed elephant and nursery rhyme book.  We gazed at her antics on a quilt on the floor.  She can turn over, scoot and get up on her knees.  She has quite the smile.  She took a nap and we even got more talk in than I expected.  I'm so pleased to see my friend enjoying this precious child and being with her 3 days a week.  And I'm happy her daughter has the reassurance of knowing her baby is lovingly cared for while she works.  And now I can walk up the hill and visit and get a baby hit whenever I want!

Tomorrow I have my foster granddaughter, and I have museum plans and lunch plans and maybe a matinee as well.  At almost seven, she is quite the companion and enthusiastic to get out and about.  And I enjoy her company so much. 

Old Age Day by Day April 10, 2012

In my email this morning were photos of our granddaughter finding Easter eggs and looking very happy.  In about a week we'll be visiting her.  I'm getting very excited.  This trip will involve seeing other dear friends as well, and it seems just about the perfect time to get away and see some different scenery.  After this trip, the cabin will be a good getaway, with it warming up, the snow all melted and the lake back to it's summer level.  But right now, I'm a little sick of my routine and a break sounds good. 

Today is such a rainy day that my options are limited.  It had better be the exercise video and picking up my prescriptions and the bank, then back home to write or read.  Retreat is the best defense.  I have a book I've been meaning to read and one I've just begun about the architecture of cities, so I'm set, whether I want escape or intellectual stimulation.  Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to lounge I go.

Old Age Day by Day April 9, 2012

Last week was my brother's birthday.  I sent him a card, as usual.  He sends me birthday and Christmas cards and baked goods at Christmas and garden sculptures in the spring.  He does not answer phone calls or wish to be in contact in any other way.  I haven't seen him in over 11 years or spoken to him, by his wish.  I know nothing about his life, except he is still living in the same house, because the cards aren't returned by the post office.  Sometimes I forget I have a brother.  It's very strange.  He was an alcoholic from 16 to mid thirties, and after our parents died he broke contact for two years, then we resumed visiting each other until he wrote a long letter saying how much he loved me but didn't want to see any of the family again.  As they say, actions have consequences, so now I would view him as a stranger and really have no reason to see him.  He is not a person who is able to support another in any way.  I am a person who respects herself.  He has nothing to offer me now.  I wish him well.  I pray for his well being.  He's floating out there in the ocean of life, and our boats are unlikely to cross paths again.  I'm at peace with that. 

Old Age Day by Day April 7, 2012

My husband just left for our cabin, and I kind of wish I'd gone, too, but I want to see my new teacher live tomorrow, and my mental health is probably better served by hearing his dharma talk.  It's touch and go though, because the mountains and silence and birds do me a world of good as well.  If I have a sanctuary, it's up there.  The silence at this time of year, the "nothing to do" letting go, the lack of newspapers and mail or even neighbors, makes a kind of peace that has helped sustain me over the years.  I love the woods.  I love the wildflowers that must have begun to spring up, and the rising of the lake and the melting of the snow.  I like the roar of the river as it jolts into the far end of the lake.  Soon there will be boats on the lake and people at the beaches and the snack bar will be open and the store will be crowded with campers.  Right now is the calm before the storm.

I'll let my husband have that kind of calming down, and I'll sit tomorrow and take in the words of a young, wise teacher whose love is boundless.

Old Age Day by Day April 6, 2012

We just got back from walking around the reservoir with the dogs.  It is a glorious day and though many a younger person jogged by us, we felt fit and glad for the knees and hips cooperating.  Tonight we go out to dinner to celebrate our older son's birthday, so it's a pleasant day.  I went to the bakery this morning and picked out the cake our son wanted, plus a little surprise, and I even now feel pleasure just being in a bakery, though I can't eat the contents.  There is a sensual delight in looking at the cakes and cookies and admiring the frosting and decorations.  One wedding cake had a flowing white satin gown effect from the frosting.  Another bridal cake was four squares stacked and decorated with chocolate garnishes like hennaed hands.  There was an Easter cake in a pale mint green with frosting eggs and ribbons. 

And the surprise is two coconut cake eggs covered in dark chocolate, with pastel squiggles.  Coconut is much admired in our family.  I've never had any food that didn't improve with coconut.  My mother made the best three or four layer coconut cake for Easter, with a food color dyed green nest, jelly bean eggs and a couple of fluffy chicks on top.  I can taste it now.  And no calories for just dreaming!

Old Age Day by Day April 5, 2012

A couple of days ago a dear friend and I were on a walk together and her hip began hurting badly.  I walked home and got the car and picked her up.  Now she is at her daughter's, with pain meds and a walker and cane.  She's extremely good natured about it, but remarked that she is on a new adventure, and her days of blithely walking for miles might be over, at least for a while.  She's a few years older than me, and I got a partly selfish chill when she said that.  One day we are feeling fine, the next the joints or knees or fairly crucial equipment fail us and we must adjust.  Our freedom is circumscribed by this new state of being.  One has to be strong and valiant to grow old.  You can see it as a series of disappointments or opportunities.  My friend has her practice, and she will do well with these new challenges.  But how would I do, how will I do?  I feel bad for my friend too because her brother is dying, and she was set to go out when he called.  Will she be able to?  Is the body's collapse related to letting go of her only sibling?  How are these things connected?

It's all mysterious.  Today I insisted on walking the dogs.  I appreciated being able to.  I vowed to take better care of myself.  But what is coming?  Am I prepared?  I don't know.

Old Age Day by Day April 4, 2012

I believe this will be a movie matinee day for me.  There is a movie out with Rachel Weitz, and I love her acting.  I may also shop for an electric toothbrush - oh, joy.  I just finished an amazing thriller last night - "When I go to Sleep" by Watson, which was riveting, about a woman with amnesia.  It was a real roller coaster ride, and at the same time made me think about identity and some complicated issues.  It was fun, and as they say, I hated to see it end.
Yesterday, I managed to wait at the wrong place for my friend for tea, and when my other friend and I went out for lunch, her leg sort of gave out, and I had to walk back home, get the car, and pick her up.  So things were just a bit off and unsettling.  The stars are slightly misaligned or something.  My friend says it's the Water Dragon year - lots of planets shifting in weird ways and powerful forces at work.  I'm inclined to believe something is afoot, and there have been a series of disturbing news on the the homefront and beyond.  Time to remember to be kind and gentle in all things, and careful with oneself.

Old Age Day by Day April 3, 2012

Today is a girlfriend day, as I'm having tea with one and lunch with the other.  My friends anchor me, and I treasure my time with them.  The small moments are my best.  The laughter, sharing, and sadness are my most valued times.  It's nice to take a trip or see something new, but nicer still to witness each other's journey through life's ups and downs and middles.  The middles are fine.  I'm all for middles.  As I get older I don't seek the highs and lows - the thrills and chills.  I feel most alive, most fully present, in the steady drum of life.  The sounds of frog songs in the night. 

Old Age Day by Day April 2, 2012

We had a nice three days away, with a lot of driving, but on roads where we had not ventured before, and we saw things not seen before, such as two lighthouses, a guest house museum, a botanical gardens that exceeded all expectations, beaches, tiny towns, windy roads through foothills.  We stayed in a town with one hotel (6 rooms) with a pub and a small grocery store next door.  But crossing the road, we could take wooden stairs down to a black sand beach.  The coast was stormy with huge waves and many rocks.  The little towns were fun to see, and imagine how it would be to live in one.  We saw a pgmy forest of pines and cypress.  The signs said some trees had eighty life rings but stood only 2 feet high.  I have 66 life rings and stand five feet high, so I identified mightily with this forest.  I guess it's the acid in the soil that inhibits growth.  Strange.

We saw monuments to the destruction of the redwoods through the decimating forestry, and tried to imagine what the coast looked like before the lumbermen.  For 11,000 years the Pomo lived up and down the coast, without altering the look, but in less than 100 years, the lumberman transformed the land, muddied up the rivers, blocked streams and built their ugly wooden structures.  The resulting towns have nothing to recommend them but the ocean and beaches, which they could not alter, much as they probably would have liked to.  We were fascinated by the two lighthouses we saw, one a tall, classic pillar of white and the other small, like a church with a lens instead of a steeple.  They still need these lighthouses, with such dangerous rocks and coastline, and imagining the lives of the lighthouse keepers, seeing their photos and family pictures, was deeply interesting.  The lens are like huge jewels, multifaceted.  One lighthouse had taken the lens down and we could see it up close.  The other was still functional and we could see the light searching and beaconing.  I saw a book about women lighthouse keepers and regret not buying it. 

So our three day weekend was a great getaway.  We even stopped by to see my Buddhist teacher and her husband, and stroll through their gardens and watch the birds, especially yellow finches, red winged blackbirds and banded pigeons.