Old Age Day by Day May 31, 2012

Yesterday, after finding out about a joyous birth, I heard that our dear friend died two days before.  It was expected, as he had lung cancer and had lived beyond what anyone hoped, but still, a bright light has gone out in our lives.  And he had so many plans, wanted to live and travel and enjoy his house in the woods.  He fiercely loved life.  He had a passionate, close relationship with his wife, and after so many years, from youth on, they remained in love, not just loving.  It was a blessing to see them together.  She tended him with the utmost care and kindness, and he was able to die at home, surrounded by his woods, his dog, his family, his memories. 

And I knew this coming, but am never prepared.  I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.  The impulse is to help, but really, right now, his widow is just processing her feelings, surrounded by family, trying to plan a memorial in a month or so.  There are only prayers and blessings and wishing ease and as little detail planning as possible, so she can feel what she feels.  They were such a couple, and now, she will go on, but it's a new, unfamiliar path, and it will be hard.

Old Age Day by Day May 30, 2012

Yesterday, my foster granddaughter and I had stopped for frozen yogurt, shopped for a birthday dress for her, and were on the way to the rose garden when her dad called, saying her mom was in labor.  We were screaming in the car and turned around and headed for her home.  And last night just before midnight, her baby sister was born, all 9 lbs, 11oz and 22 " of her.  I'm so thrilled for them.  My granddaughter was hoping for a sister and now she's here.  Her mom was a trooper, and had the natural childbirth she wished. 

What touched me most was my granddaughter saying how perfect it was that I was with her to tell her the news.  And when I left her house, she insisted on a big hug and kiss.  I do so feel loved.  When a family opens their hearts to someone in the way this family has, I cannot help but see a grace and affirmation of humanity in their generousity.  It's one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

Old Age Day by Day May 29, 2012

Some friends of ours have are visiting in two weeks.  I'm excited, because I haven't seen them in a long time.  Their daughter lives nearby, and that is pulling them here.  I've never even met their son, who is eighteen.  These are friends from graduate school, so it was long enough ago that I had a flash that I would look strikingly old to them.  We have gray hair, wrinkles, the whole shebang, and they are maybe in their early fifties.  Short of getting emergency cosmetic surgery, there's not much I can do to soften the blow.  Oh, well, this is down side of people not seeing you frequently.  The shock is great when the real thing is before you.  I don't see any of this as an obstacle, but I am very self conscious this week about my age.  First, the young woman giving me her seat on the train, then the senior discount offered when I didn't ask, then the mirror, now I'm seeing myself as I am now, and I guess I'm not so comfortable in my own saggy skin.  I'd love to be beyond these petty concerns, but that would take a brain transplant.

Then I get on the scale and I'm five pounds up, so no more carbs for me.  They've been slipping back in my meals while I wasn't looking - well, okay, I put them there.  Back to salads and imagining myself as an impala or some other graceful grazing animal on the plain.  No more thinking like a lion about hamburgers.  And it wouldn't hurt to run or at least walk fast, as if I was that impala with a lion after me.  It's a jungle out there, if you're my age and watching your diet.

Old Age Day by Day May 28, 2012

Yesterday, a young woman offered me a seat on the train.  Oh, dear.  I am old!  And then, when there were huge boomings from fireworks last night, I couldn't make the effort to go outside and stand on the roof of the garage to see them.  Today, I'm disappointed in myself.  The pictures in the newspaper make me regret my lethargy.  On the good side, my daughter and I saw a great art exhibit, one I'd like to go back and see again.  It was exciting and inspiring, with many new artists.  So I ain't dead yet, I guess.

Today we have no plans, and it's overcast and dreary, but perhaps we will figure out something to do.  If we have enough energy.  This retirement thing can be dangerous, like a permanent rainy day where you don't go out.  It feels cosy, but then you get lazy, and just don't bother to interact out in the world.  Well, yesterday, I guess I did enough interacting, with meditation and dharma talk, lunch with a friend and her best friend, and the museum trip.  Perhaps I'm overreacting a bit.  Onward and upward1

Old Age Day by Day May 26, 2012

This day is a wedding anniversary for our older daughter, but they are divorcing, so I won't be sending flowers this year.  Things change.  But it does make me think back to that beautiful day, and all the family gathered and friends and flowers and great food and tears and all the turbulent components of such a celebration.  Our granddaughter came from that union, and she is such a blessing, that I will always have happy memories of the wedding.

Today it's overcast and we are going to see the film "Chimpanzee" in the afternoon, as I've been curious about it since I read the reviews.  My husband is still in his pajamas, working on his puzzle, and I am back from walking the dogs, and it's that kind of slow, cosy day.  We can even walk to the movie, so everything is easy-peasy. 

I'm reflecting on this change that occurs, and how it can be dramatic or slow, like my own aging, and yet, each moment is new and fresh and can be appreciated on its own, without fear or dread.  We're in the flow of the river, and each drop is connected to others and we're all moving slowly then swiftly towards the sea.  I'm attempting to relax in this river, and notice what is on the bank and up in the sky and under the surface.  To be here, not fighting the flow, but part of it.

Old Age Day by Day May 25, 2012

We were thinking of going to the cabin, but the weather is turning cooler and it is possible there will be rain, so we're sticking it out here.  That suits me fine.  I haven't been eager for any travel.  I've got my mysteries lined up like ducks, friends to see and an art exhibit I'd like to squeeze in.  Travel on this weekend means traffic, and some work is going on on the bridges and really, it's easier to stick close. 

I finished Toni Morrison's "Home", and it's a beautiful little book, like a prose poem, and redemptive in tone.  It reminds me of "The Bluest Eye".  There is a whole lot of hope in this book though, and I like that touch.  And the main male character is fully delineated, and beautiful, in an honest way.  I remember many years ago being thrilled by Morrison's visit to the university where I was a graduate student, and my being chosen to have dinner with her, as the representative of my creative writing department.  I was quiet, but managed to talk about a few non-literary topics.  She also did a workshop with a few of us, and then there was a gala speech in front of thousands.  She was comfortable to be around, and comforting, and she has a great sense of humor.  Soon after I met her, she won the Noble Prize for Literature.  I've never questioned that award.  She is a great writer, and each book has universal, timeless issues intertwined within.  She has us revisit our history as a nation, and she recalls it not to shame us but to reclaim the humanity of a time most would rather forget.  Like Ralph Ellison's "Invisible Man", she speaks beyond nationhood, and yet is quintessentially American.  Her rhythms, like his, are jazzy and pulses of the body.  She's a treasure.

Old Age Day by Day May 24, 2012

My foster granddaughter's mom is now a few days overdue for her baby.  I really sympathize.  My first baby was a month late, the second fourteen days and the third seventeen days.  The fourth was a week early.  Was I ever surprised!  I'm sure she is so ready to be over with it and see that little baby and hold it in her arms.  And it is probably confusing for her daughter.  There has been a lot of build up.  Sooner or later this baby is coming out, and at it's own pace.  And if he/she is a bit reluctant, who can blame him/her?  Going into this world of ours is not easy, even with adoring parents and sister waiting.  An onslaught of light and sound and discomfort awaits, as well as the joy of being alive in this world.  So I feel for the baby and the family.  A big event is coming, excitingly and relentlessly.  A change making event.

Old Age Day by day May 23, 2012

My husband and the dogs are returning today.  They've been gone almost a week, and it's been a good break, but it will be nice to have them back.  Next time, I guess I will go up, and see the spring wildflowers and watch the lake and the boats from the deck.  I must say I've done a pretty fine job of relaxing down here, and feel rested.  I still wake up early and get up at the same time, but it's quieter and I've managed to see people and entertain myself quite well.  I have always had the inner resources to do that, because I grew up mostly in rural places, where walking in the woods, or reading, or picking blackberries or biking to the river were the choices.  No movies, no structured social events, no shows or shopping.  I'm not lonely when I'm alone.

I wonder if my generation will be the last to be able to enjoy solitude and a vast amount of unstructured time?  It appears to be almost panic - these people on their Iphones texting desperately, keeping busy, "connecting".  Silence is just not bearable these days.  And there never is real silence, but you can't hear the sounds of nature if ear buds are blasting music, even great music, and there is a kind of insulation to the drone of television, Ipods, radios and the like.  Technology is separating us artificially from what sustains us.  What this means for the future I don't know and won't be around to witness.  But it makes no sense to give up resources and capacities that surround us and don't charge us for their use.  It's earth speaking.  We surely should listen.

Old Age Day by Day May 22, 2012

I went with a friend to see "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" and found it better than I expected.  There were really honest moments about aging, and the characters were more complex, probably because they were played by such able actors.  Yes, it was sentimental, but at the end of people's lives, sentiment plays a big part, it's natural.  I found myself feeling something for each of the characters. 

I just got off the phone with a dear friend who's been away and is now returned, and we had a heart felt conversation.  I really missed her and I'm happy to have her back.  We'll meet up Friday.  Today I'm glad to see the sunshine and looking forward to taking my foster granddaughter to the nearby rose gardens.  She's developed quite and interest in plants, and I want to encourage her. 

In the meantime, I'm reading Toni Morrison's "Home", which is beautiful and soulful so far.  She is a treasure, and I'm always delighted when in new book arrives.

Old Age Day by Day May 21, 2012

I've had a nice few days on my own, while my husband has been at our cabin.  These separations are good for me, because the routine is broken up a bit, and I can be more spontaneous, and I don't cook.  This morning I cleaned out the freezer, and discovered a lot of very old breads, waffles and the like, which somehow I always think we will eat and we never do.  Now that I'm watching my carbs, breads just sit in the refrigerator, until I fear for their freshness, then I freeze them, then they develop ice all over the ziplock bag, then I throw them out, despairing of figuring out how old they are.  This is not an efficient system. 

I recycled many old magazines as well, finally surrendering to the fact that I will never read certain articles, those kind where they would be educational, and I would be a more informed person, but I can't make myself sit down and plow through.  Today I'm okay with being uninformed.

Yesterday, my neighbor next door called and asked if I knew how to get her flashing hazard lights on her car to shut off.  I explained I am an idiot with that kind of thing and my husband was at the cabin, but came over anyhow.  And here's the thing:  I did find the button and shut them off as soon as I sat down in the driver's seat.  I was overwhelmed with my own expert technological capability.  I have new respect for myself.  And hopefully, my neighbor is now in total awe of me.

So, along with seeing a concert, a movie, having a Buddhist study group, seeing my teacher's dharma talk, having lunch and shopping with my daughter and dinner with my son, I have done these more important, life altering tasks.  Who knows what amazing thing I will do today!?  Certainly, not me.

Old Age Day by Day May 18, 2012

This is the day our daughter-in-law receives her teaching credential.  I know she will be happy and relieved.  We sure are a teaching family!  It's a beautiful day, like summer again, and I'm thinking mightily of Memorial Day Weekend, especially as my husband is up at our cabin basking in the sun on the deck.  I had a few commitments down here, so didn't go.  Also, I like the guy, but I like a break, too.  I am not of the "We two are one" persuasion about marriage.  To me, that's claustrophobic.  I like to think of marriage as a partnership which brings much new and interesting to lives.  I don't like to think of us as a couple, or yoked together.  We support each other in doing our own thing, and share some of that, but not all of it.  Marriage is complicated.

We just received an invitation from friends for their 50th wedding anniversary.  It's a joyful occasion, and their respect and love for each other is abundantly clear.  They are both strong, independent people who have forged a family and a life that is ever changing and challenging and fun.  My husband and I are in our 38th year of marriage.  We've barely begun!

Old Age Day by Day May 17, 2012

The film "Gerhardt Richter Painting"  is a gem.  You get to see him in the process of painting, and subsequently get a brief glimpse of all the versions of a painting before he's "done".  Sometimes I would want to yell stop and get him to stick with a version, but it was swiftly covered over, never to be seen again.  Moment to moment the art changed, and that awareness was a lesson in itself.  He didn't say much, as he thinks words are another form of language from art, so you cannot superimpose words on paintings.  I agree with that idea.  Yet words are our basic medium, so we struggle and incline ourselves that way.  The film is quiet and introspective, the way the artist is known to be, and therefore I felt i understood him better by the end.  He looks sixty, but must have been in his eighties when the film was made.  It reminds you how physical painting is, and how good a shape it's kept him in. 

The other day someone was saying in another life they'd like to be an athlete.  I said I'd have liked to have been a painter.  Art has been a major passion for me all my life.  Art expresses for me what I cannot express verbally. 

Old Age Day by Day May 16, 2012

My foster granddaughter and I sewed pillows yesterday.  She brought them home with her, pleased as punch (what does that expression mean, anyhow?)  Her mom's baby is due this coming Saturday.  It's exciting, and these last days always stretch out interminably.  Waiting is hard.  Her mother is so cheerful, and glows, but still.  She's feeling done.  On to the next phase.

I had my first three kids late, so I know all about waiting.  When the fourth was a week early, I was unprepared.  Whatever scenarios I thought up ahead of time, I was always surprised.  And each kid has turned out to be so different from the others, that it makes sense they began life differently. 

My mother thought I was a difficult birth (I was her first) and my brother an easy baby.  Her attitude and relationship to me was difficult, and she simply adored my brother.  Though perhaps not fair, it's natural.  The circumstances surrounding birth color the whole experience.  Lucky for me, I had easy births each time, and this perhaps overly encouraged me to have another.  I liked pregnancy and birth.  It was my own personal magic act.

So it's fun to be let in on a brand new magic act, coming right up, any day now.

Old Age Day by Day May 15, 2012

Our daughter's graduation was lovely and the whole weekend so happy.  The party was fun and friendly, and though our team lost on Mother's Day, they played well and we were pleased.  My friend left yesterday, and now it's back to the old routine, but that has its merits as well.  Now, on to sewing projects, writing jobs, and seeing the dermatologist.  I'm a happy camper.  Today I see my foster granddaughter and before that my husband, son and I are doing a bit of shopping and having lunch out.  Simple pleasures, but all the more pleasant because they are simple.

Our governor is still attempting to explain why we need to raise taxes to pay for the services that we scream about if they are touched.  Good luck with that.  I think we should have economics in first grade, and little cash registers at each desk.  Instead, we think of finances as magic, and want the hits to be on the other guy, not us.  This a amazingly irrational, which is a perfect mirror (storm) of Washington, D.C.  The newspaper gives me a big fat headache.  I like our Governor, because I have every reason to believe that he is sane.  Our state is lucky that way.  But he clearly won't be appreciated until he is gone.  If then.  Welcome to my world.  Actually, it's yours, too.

Old Age Day by Day May 11, 2012

We went, with our younger daughter and her boyfriend, to see the movie "The Avengers" last night.  Lots of structures exploding, buildings collapsing, strange alien monitor lizard type things, and Samuel L. Jackson, whom I happen to be quite fond of even in his more ridiculous roles.  There were several heroes, one for every taste and Scarlett Johansen for the men in the audience.  My daughter and I have a particular interest in the guy who plays Thor, what a cutie, and the bad guy, Loki, is fun as played by Tim Huddleston, who I just saw in "Deep Blue Sea".  Mindless fun, and too long at that, but it's summery weather and we're all in the mood.

It should be gorgeous for our daughter's graduation tomorrow.  Luckily, it's in the morning, before it gets too hot.  Sunscreen and a hat ought to do it.  I'm excited about seeing our other daughter and my best friend.  They arrive today.  Oh, boy.

Old Age Day by Day May 10, 2012

I'm going to my monthly therapy appointment today, and I still find it helpful to check in with her.  She has my complicated history and is a witness for me in my life.  Sometimes I go in thinking I have nothing to say, sometimes too much, but the experience is always useful.  Lately, I've been having more trouble sleeping, so something is brewing.  I'm sure she will help me get to the bottom of it.  One of the beauties for me of good therapy is that she is not judging me.  I judge myself pretty severely, so I need that model.  She's an antidote self criticism and doubt.  I feel better about myself when I examine an event or action through her eyes.  I may not agreed entirely, but I relax a bit.  This coming weekend is full of big events, including a graduation and Mother's Day.  The latter is ripe for self criticism and angst about how I might have done things differently, or behaviors I'm still not happy about around my kids.  I'm self examining, I guess you might say, and despite my intentions, some habits are still haunting me.  Love is easy, it's what does or doesn't come out of my mouth that I worry about.  The Buddhist goal of Right Speech is foremost in my mind a lot of the time.  It used to be that I was too impulsive, but now sometimes I feel I don't speak up when it would be beneficial.  Each act must be examined carefully for it's possibility to harm unintentionally.  Tricky business.

Old Age Day byy Day May 9, 2012

I saw the movie "Pirates" with my foster granddaughter, and we both enjoyed it.  It was suitably silly.  It was a hot day, so the theater felt nice and cool, and we browsed a bookstore beforehand.  When I took her to her house, she was excited to show me some strawberries she was growing, but when she looked in her pot, the squirrels had eaten them all.  I have the same problem.  My backyard is a fruit factory for the critters, including my dogs, who eat the droppings from the squirrels.  I get about one persimmon and three apples each year.

Oh, well.  Today I'm taking a friend to a birthday lunch, and I feel pleased with the present I found for her.  I do love giving gifts.  So did my Mom.  My Dad usually acted like gift giving was under duress, but my Mom was pleased when she found something she felt was perfect for the other person, and her enthusiasm was communicated to both my brother and I.  And like my mother, I love it best when I make something myself for the other person, and love receiving those kind of presents best as well. 

What a day! 

Old Age Day by Day May 8, 2012

We're having summer right here, right now.  I am wearing - get this - a SLEEVELESS shirt, and sandals.  Yes, I'm wearing pants also.  Summer here is fleeting and goes in and out with the tides, so I have to assess the weather quickly and adjust at lightning speed.  This I have done.  And when it's foggy and cold tomorrow I will pull out my fleece and don socks.  But right now my toes are wiggling free, exposed to the elements, tanning ever so gently.

Sitting out in our backyard is a great way to appreciate the weather, the birds, the squirrels, and the flowers.  I see that our roses have begun to bloom, and there are yellow roses in full throttle, plus the lavender rhrododendrons.  What a great time of year.  I'm all over the bulb thing and on to the next phrase.  I'm thinking dreamily of how celebratory the garden will look for our daughter's grad party on Saturday, and pleased, as if I'd had something to do with the seasons.  These delusions of grandeur are pleasing if false, and I believe I'll just sit here a while longer with them before I come back to reality.

Old Age Day by Day May 7, 2012

My husband's concert was quite stirring.  It was a newly discovered mass by Dvorzak,  and quite dramatic and energetic.  If it hadn't of been for the merciless pew seating, and the heat, it would have been sublime.  I'm sore this morning, from sitting meditation, dharma talk and the concert.  Our son made us a fabulous meal when we got home with halibut, a fritata, mushrooms and leeks, and a salad stuffed with seafood.  I'm still full.  Then we watched the BBC Sherlock, the miniseries with Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freedman.  This episode was dazzling and funny and brilliant.  I can't wait to see the other two shows.  So we ended the day pretty delighted.

This morning I'm going to talk to my foster granddaughter's mom about her upcoming labor.  Then I have an eye appointment.  It's heavenly weather, so I hope to sit out in the garden when my eyes stop being dialated.  My bad eye takes many hours to get back to what passes as normal for me.  But hopefully it's holding and not getting worse.  I'll find out today. 

Old Age Day by Day May 5, 2012

Cinco de Mayo!  Beautiful day, the biggest moon of the year tonight, and our younger daughter did an elegant job of her thesis defense!  We were so proud of her and delighted with her research project.  Next week she does the graduation shebang, and we'll be celebrating big time!  My husband, our older son and I spent time afterward analyzing objectively how hers was the best project and presentation.  We dared not do it in front of anyone else, but privately, we gloated.  I'm sure she feels so relieved, and now just the joyous part.  It's going to be a great week.

Old Age Day by Day May 4, 2012

Today I'm having lunch with a friend and my husband and I are going to see Dianne Reeves sing this evening.  We're just wild social butterflies this week.  Tomorrow our daughter presents her thesis defense, and we are looking forward to that.  We're so proud of her.  My husband has concerts he's singing in this weekend and I'm going to attend one of those.  So we have a full few days and at the end a graduation celebration.  A week of joy. 

Well, not all joy.  There is the cleaning, and picking up stuff and shopping and toilet scrubbing, and most difficult of all:  choosing something to wear for these events.  The pressure is on.  I do have some recruits at my disposal.  last year whenever I happened to be shopping I looked for dresses with sleeves.  If they were on sale and in my color and size, I tried them on and bought one.  This occurred several times, so that I actually have four new dresses that I could wear, and they are all comfortable and yet, and yet, decisions are hard when you are an elderly butterball who still would like to look attractive.  Females!  We never give up our vanities. 

So in the middle of this email I picked up a call from my friend, and she has a cold, so the lunch is out and I can instead go order the cake for the graduation and find flowers for tomorrow.  I am nothing if not fluid. 

Old Age Day by Day May 3, 2012

This morning I walked the dogs, usually my husband's task, but it's rainy and his back is bothering him.  I had a whirling vision of blue flowers, as I tugged and guided the dogs on their haphazard way.  Many people are planting blue, or blue is taking over the gardens, or I'm becoming colorblind.  The blue forget-me-nots have volunteered themselves all over our yard and the neighbors, but there seemed to be delphiniums and many other bluenesses everywhere we went.  I like that.  Though if asked, I say I like white flowers best, my favorite flower is the daffodil.  I think I don't like pink flowers, but then there are peonies up the street, a hot pink, that I covet every time I walk by.  And a pale pink hyacinth or baby rose - they've got me at hello.  I used to adore the sterling silver rose, but now I have a fondness for the red/black rose, and one bush grows in my front yard.  Purple is good, and any color of pansy sends me back to childhood, and my mother's vase, clear glass, dome shaped, with holes for each pansy.  I did think they were faces and connected with fairies.  We have two volunteer foxgloves in the front, pink with freckles, and though their leaves are hairy and not lovely, the tallness and dignity of the plants have won me over.  My grandmother had hollyhocks and sunflowers, and these tall strangers remind me of them.

So, I guess I like just about every single flower and color.  A field of daffodils is a definite heartstopper, but barring that sight, I'm happy with the neighbors' offerings, and if it's blue du jour, then bleu it is.

Old Age Day by Day May 2, 2012

My husband and I went to the symphony last night, and had a lovely experience listening to Handel's "Water Music" and "Fireworks" and four of Bach's Brandenberg Concertos.  Gorgeous music, musicianship and the conductor, Jane Glover, was amazing.  We were high in the balcony, but it mattered not at all.  Baroque rules!

Today is another glorious sunny day, and I plan to do a bunch of errands, organize my photos on my computer, and be out as much as I can.  I have a sense of spaciousness, and for that I am grateful.  My foster granddaughter and I sewed yesterday and her fascination with it, and her impatience, are very endearing to me.  She was thrilled that I had a blanket I'd knitted for her.  She thinks I'm a magician.  That is how very young she is.  But she's also right.  There is a magic to sewing and knitting.  I was sewing felt birds for a mobile, and she picked out again her material for pillows for her room, and they will be a representation of how something flat becomes fat, soft and from a distance, alive.  I love seeing the world through her young eyes.

Old Age Day by Day May 1, 2012

May Day!  No, this is not a distress call.  When I was a child, in the dark ages, we actually danced around a May Pole, and in Virginia, there was a huge celebration for May Day, with a May Queen, skits and dances and singing from every class, and general overabundance of joyousness.  Spring had sprung, school was almost out, and the whole town turned out for the festivities.  Our younger daughter went to an all women's college, and they did the May Day thing there.  It's a lovely, gift free chance to feel exuberant for no real reason. 

Today I have my foster granddaughter, so I think we will look at our favorite plant nursery and celebrate spring that way.  She's turning into an ardent gardener, and I love that about her.  Well, I love everything, but especially her interest in flowers.  And if there is a pole, I may swing around it once or twice, just for the heck of it.